my grudges relish
the taste of isolation;
bitter by the day.

Berlin, Berlin, just what art thou?
A cake of layers baked from fates
by many bakers, cold and proud,
who filled it with chunks of bitter dates.

The cream on top is cloying, sweet,
to compensate for the stale flour
and brownish yeast of marching feet
with bruised crabapples, soft and sour.

To try a slice of this complex taste
isn’t easy: It’s baked in haste.

Violence is never the answer,
But the implication of that quote
Is that violence is an answer
Even if it isn't ever optimal.

As someone once deaf,
And because of it once mute,
Such a quiet but thoughtful demeanor
Usually stirs one from their bitter attitude.

The slumber of anger,
Like that of sadness;
The tiredness is a dear friend,
The emptiness of them.

In that absence of contentment
Missing too is common sense.
The confusion of all emotions,
Their transient nature and overlap.

The first thoughts in the morning,
Filled with tension and anxious,
Mirror those like at night;
The nest of pests parasitic.

Anger, like sadness, is too broad.
Am I enraged by indignation?
Am I grieving from someone gone?
They have their places.

But violence is never an answer.
Peace, no matter what,
Is ever hardly secured
Even if it is always optimal.

I can't stand these lonley nights.
I try not to be bitter for it is blight.
It consumes me whole how i lost a future so bright;
The girl, my friends, my dignity gone like waning light.
How can any of this truly be right?
But no matter how hard i stress my plight,
I still come to realise it was never really  right,
For they never cared for me their love was tight,
And in their depature i found the light.
Lonely yes, but now i can stand these nights,
And yes for company i still do fight.
But i know it will come when the time is right.
I guess for now its just another lonley night.

just like that the pretty girl in my dreams
disappeared freed my sheets to let them
suffocate as usual and i stayed there
facing the ceiling with cymbals’ collisions under my pillow

and for a haze i stayed
still and subsisting on spit and spider mites
like the sea wasn’t swallowing anything
till i was ninety percent salt and crystallized
breathing out dusty alphabet soup into the aether

like anyone with a disdain for capital letters
my circle sends its love along with mutual virtue parasitism
in distress beacons pinged through a dead battery and twitching fingers
and you know it’s for the best

no falling out of bed or breakfasts till the oasis is complete
under construction in the dusty pillowcase i call home
down the street from the abandoned asylum where i learned
mouth too dry and lungs too sharp

a shriveled cactus with paper spines

in lonely disdain,
a pulsating bitterness;
utters a bad word.

At 16, I was a shadow of myself
A reflection of all my doubts and fears
But now, when I look in the mirror
I see resistance
And a person who faced their demons
I am no longer bound by the bitterness
Fueled by my own insecurity
Gone is the girl who questioned her worth
And in her place stands the woman
Who knows the value of herself

I wouldn’t say that life is fair,
but sometimes the wind blows in our favour.
We do sense tension in the air, every time life issues a disclaimer.
In life you may be coerced,
in to becoming a self blamer.

What bitterness and grief has life in store for me?
If only my good deeds redeem me from being a shamer.
You may mock me for what I am today,
but tomorrow to your deeds you will be a claimer.

Whatever good you do along the way,
will come back to save you when you need acclaimer.
On earth you have no time to spare,
on your target you should be the aimer.
Life can be shocking sometimes, but no need to be the exclaimer.

It’s little things that do count in life,
if to your soul you want to be a tamer.
A friendly smile or a nod of the head,
to your self-esteem you will be a reclaimer.
Or a kind word that might earn you respect,
or for which you could enter the hall of famer.

Honour your word and gain peoples hearts,
to your reputation it won’t be a restrainer.
Seek wisdom in the womb of life, to your dignity it will be a maintainer.
Don’t sell your soul for what it’s worth,  
unless you want humiliation to be your enslaver.

no, i mean this anger
no, i mean this guilt
no. i mean, what is the difference
between this anger and guilt?
because the chains all rattle the same behind me.

i could go and ask my mother,
but the lines on her face would deepen
and she would tell me there is only anger
and she doesn’t know guilt
and how could i expect her to believe in something
which she has never experienced?
and would i take the trash on my way out?

i am unsure if it is my fault my mom feels this way,
or if it is my fault she doesn’t feel any differently.
she’s sewn me richly ornamented robes,
woven from girlhood ambitions fallen short
threaded with hopes she had long dismissed.
but i am not joseph, and the garments never seemed to fit me right.
and my mother is not god,
her love has never been unconditional.

the robes have long since become stiff
gathering dust on the coat rack.
maybe i could hang some of the guilt there, too.
or maybe i’ll hang the anger.
or maybe i’ll hang both.
or maybe i’ll hang on to it all a little longer.

i never learned when it’s appropriate to let go
and i learned a little too late about the bruises i leave behind by holding on so tightly.
a lesson all my mothers before me had to learn.
after all, in the very beginning,
eve never once received a mothers embrace.
the closest mother she had was the garden of eden.
(was she saddened in her exile, or was she relieved to be free?)