'Always Sleep With Your Shoes On' Series... #2 2 out of 3.

You're in bed covering each ear,
        as beer bottles break when                            W
         thrown against   A
                                          L
                   ­                         L
You're just a kid, not sure which one got hit again,
Ears covered so you don't know who hollered out
in pain, Another hot night
                    without any air
           so your body is bare,
except at age six
you got your shoes
on in a quick fix,
Sure enough, it's 3 a.m,
Once again you hear daddy yell at mommy to get the kid and nothing else then he pushes you both out the house and
                    D
                                          ­                              O
                                                               ­            W
                                                              ­               N
                                                                ­               the steps.
Always sleep with your shoes on your feet,
       getting comfortable is not worth the risk.

Broken, beaten, down on both knees
Screaming, crying, as my world suddenly ceased
Down on the dirt and eating the dust
The luster of once sturdy metal, now filled with rust

Broken beaten, won't anyone look my way
Screaming, crying, don't know what to say
Down on the ground and digging my grave
For in all certainty, I can never be saved

i feel so beaten up
i feel so broken down
i think about what you've done
and then i start to drown
this isn't even a poem
i'm just trying to explain my emotions
i'm trying to make you understand
just how badly you've left me broken
there is no longer any trust
there is nothing left i have for you
so now i must adjust
to being alone and away from you
and i just can't bring myself
to say a single word to you
it hurts me far too much
and yet... i still want you to
hold on to me with
the tightest of grips
i know i'm already drowning
but please don't let me sink

let me love you
let me leave you
let me love you
let me leave you

let me ******* leave you

Life is so brutal
It mangles the heart
Beaten and bruised
From the very start
In a world fallen
From its original glory
We need to bring Jesus
Back to the story
His voice will heal
And mend your soul
If you give him the time
He can make you whole
Each day is a chance
To let him touch you
If you open your heart
His words will renew

Often times, 
We get so many answers of
“I’m too busy" or “Hit me up later"
But no one realizes that I…
I don't want to be the one that reaches out
I don't want to be the one that initiates anything 
I just want you to be there, and tell me 
That life's crap, but you got me. 
That you know I’m down, and 
You're by my side to pick me up. 
That when I wake up, 
You'll be by my side, 
We'll be walking together, 
Laughing and smiling... 
Ha.
Too bad, this is only a dream. 
I’m not lonely, only alone. 
I’m not dead yet, only dying. 
I’m struggling, but barely holding — 
— on.

You see,
I feel like a fool.
Trusting too many people
With words of
Content and satisfaction,
Ambitions and aspirations.
A light in the darkness
A light at the end of the tunnel
A beacon of hope in open oceans
But there is no hope.
Only an illusion.
There is no peace.
Only pieces of what we
Believe is there.
But their belief
Is that we’re
In this together.
But are we really?

You tell me that
It'll all be good.
But I'm not good.
I only say it
Because if I say anything else,
You'll be at a loss for words,
Unable to say anything
And then, it fills the void
With an awkward silence.
And like everyone else,
You'll say that
You're there for me.
But when I reach out,
Only emptiness fills my grasp.
Silence is like my isolation.
It's the reason why
I feel so foolish and —  
— alone.

It's not like
I don't have "friends"
- so to speak - but
It's like there's
Not a person in the world
That's willing to listen.
It's funny, you know?
They say that
Sticks and stones
May break my bones,
But words will
Never hurt me.
Actions are the ones
That we forgive and forget
But words...
Words are the things that
We remember forever.

When someone tells you
That they're
There for you.
Because their word
Is their promise.
And so when you call out,
You wait...
And wait...
And wait.
But then you realize
That, like rules,
Promises end up being broken.
Promises are unreliable.
Words are unreliable.

Don't tell me that
You'll answer when I call,
You'll be there when I need you,
You'll listen when I talk,
Because you won't.
Don't tell me that;
Don't promise me anything.
Because like the rest of the world,
You don't actually give a ****.
But I don't blame you.

I'm not trying to
Victimize myself
Because I'm not a victim
I'm not a survivor.
I'm not who you think I am.
Underneath all  
My strength and pride
My discipline and determination
My fortitude and dedication
I've lied.

It seems like life's
All about performance
You want to be the best?
You have to beat the best.
Even if that person
Is yourself.

I lay here,
Beaten and defeated.
Losing hope like its blood rushing out of me.
As i seek shelter from this feeling,
I find comfort.
Love,
At least i know that i can feel,
It's better than breathing.
I find comfort in the same thing that is killing me.
Defying the line i crossed many years ago,
I promised to never feel this way again,
But even broken promises hurt.
I started breaking promises before i started breathing,
Or my heart started beating.
Before i could walk,
I could think.
I could think of everything that is wrong with me.
That list goes on and on,
And as i lay here,
Thinking of everything wrong with me.
I decided to give up,
And with giving up,
I became happy.
I gave up in trying,
Breathing,
Feeling.

I gave up feeling,
Without feelings
I can breath,
I can walk.
I walked back into those lines i defied long ago.
And that's where you were.
I woke up on the hospital bed,
Half beaten,
Dying.
I laid there feeling alone.
Every single feeling came rushing back.
No one came running back at the sound of my heart beat,
Or my gasping voice.
You didn’t care,
When you saw me lying on that cold hard ground on that unpaved road,
You didn’t help,
You saw me at my lowest state,
Yet you didn’t love me then.
My broken heart yearns for you.
Yet you don’t want me even breathing around you.



I never learned to live without that feeling.
The feeling of betrayal,
Hopelessness,
Brokenness.
I forgot how i felt so at home in these feelings.
After losing you,
I felt alone.
Barely alive.
You crawled under my skin and made me uneasy.
Every day the unbearable pain you gave,
I couldn’t feel the same.
This hospital sheet itches at me like you words cut through my walls.
You made me uneasy,
Every thought of you killed me inside.
With every thought i became more and more careless.
It was like hell,
But on Earth it felt worse.
No one care enough to save me from this place i came into.

My life would be so much better, if you just dropped dead,
because staring into your eyes makes me see red,
for all that you have done,
and all the hurt that you have caused,
you would think the beating would be the worst,
but its always the words that hit the hardest,
and its not like I had a helping father,

living in a middle class house,
driving in a middle class car,
my mother sat the bar,
and she raised it up too far,

so everything was to look perfect,
I was supposed to smile,
I was supposed to make it worth it,
I was supposed to be perfect,

so what happens next,
Its not like I passed all her test,
I passed none,
i was to much and she was too strong,

I still feel her beatings on my face,
but that´s not what ended me up in this place,
because her words hit the hardest,
she said she regretted the adoption,
and with every second the words always hit harder,

because I tried my very best to be perfect,
but with insomnia, ADHD, Asperger and more,
it was like glass shattered beneath my feet with each step,
and all I ever wanted was to be like the rest.

you look at your life,
and all that you see,
is brokenness
and hopelessness
as if there's nothing
standing in your place.
you look at death,
and death looks back at you.

that moment when
they tell you
that you're
cheap and disposable
like the piece of trash
that you are

how many times have
you heard that before?

they throw punches
like they throw words
little do they know
words are like scars
they leave marks
on your life
like no other

it's like no one knows
no one feels
the pain
the suffering
the weakness

they call you
a coward
they call you
weak
they laugh at you
and belittle you
they push you down
and kick you
and like all
the other beatings before,
you take it.

they tell you
I'm sorry
but they don't mean it
they only say it
because they have to.

they tell you that they'll
be there for you
be by your side
every step of the way
but they're wrong
they lied to your face
just to make themselves
feel better
only to tell you that
they're busy
you don't feel better,
heck, you just feel
alone.

they say that
they know what
you're going through
they say it's going to
get better
but it --
--
--
--
doesn't.

they ask if you're okay
but they don't mean it
they don't give a ****
about how you feel
you want them to ask
if you're happy...  

but deep down,
your mind is shredded
your body is beaten to bits
and you feel like ****.
you want to slit your wrists
hold a gun to your head
and count to three...

One.
Two.
You don't even make it
to three.
You pulled the trigger
and your mind goes
blank.
You face death
and death stares back.

~With trepidation I hand you my heart, and with wariness I meet
your gaze, and with guilt I show you my scars~

"i've been burned
before
cut and crushed
in the past
my heart
has stopped
over
and over
only to be
shocked
back to life.
"beaten
and bruised
battered
and worn
i am resilient
but god
i am tired.
"i long
to love
again
to feel
-something-
again
but god
i don't know
if i can"