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s Feb 11
lsd vision
made sad streetlights sparkle green
morphed rivers into mountains
it seemed
we walked 100 miles
in less than 5 minutes
and lives 100 lives
none of which survived

oh how things change
and how trauma has aged my bones
s Feb 2
i don’t grasp how time works
hours go so slow
months blur into years almost suddenly
maybe i’ll grow into this loneliness
maybe it'll drive me mad
like black mold
hell
i’m already mad
i’ve thought about you for 1,825 days, or something like that
i did the math

last night i suffered body aches
but not in the coronavirus way
i let someone new hold me
while the thought of you crushed me
it’s painful, hard to open up
most days, massive effort to leave home
the anxiety ridden world barely turns
still i struggle to keep up
i just get high and listen to the National
remember how i used to cry to you, about poetry?
and now everything is a memory
that i keep alive through bias and unwarranted feeling
none of it could ever make sense
i almost touched you in my fever dream last week
and i said i wouldn’t get ****** in
16 months n it still hurts:)
s Jan 16
i guess, some parts of pain we cling to
like dusky upstate nights
me, you, streetlights
marijuana
and dollar scratch offs in parking lots
2 broke ******* gambling for more
than that which their love could afford

kinda sad, i don’t write like i used to
but i don’t bleed that way either
and we don’t talk anymore
for good reason.
that will never change
s Nov 2020
the chill has set in
i start to feel lonely
like i did back then
but what im missing?
it’s different.
i don’t miss you.
i miss a past self-
someone you never knew
ive come to terms that love
can be riddled with abuse
i no longer miss such darkness

Russell, i refuse
s Jul 2019
yep
ur lies breed like bacteria
i’m not fixated on what’s real anymore
i know i can’t get that from u
i go motion to motion
don’t wanna feed into ur massacre
i’m impartial
but still afflicted
guess loves contagious
silent killer
you must think i’m stupid at this point. don’t you see how it all adds up? as u started liking her posts randomly then lying about what you were doing and hanging out with her as she sat there twirling her hair at you while you were running your hands through yours. i don’t ******* say this **** but i think about it every day.& then finding that you wrote she would help you with studying for your final in your planner, then finding an index with her “practicing her handwriting” all over it in your folder? then you continuing to talk to her behind my back when we became long distance? you truly think i’m dumb and i just go along with it at this point. i don’t care the way i used to anymore. i feel nothing. and i’m writing this here because i’ll never have the ***** to admit it to you and guess what you’ll never ******* read it here, i already know it. i don’t ******* care the way i used to. and i don’t feel the same anymore. and it’s the ******* truth.
s Jun 2019
**** im
putting you through hell
refusing to see the human in you
refusing to believe anything at all

yet you’re strength
i mean: you are strength
you compensate
for my lack thereof

ive crashed into you for 3 years now
a recurring tidal wave
fell for your addict eyes long ago
love the clean ones just the same

you are my memories
you’re everything in me
you’re the courage i’ve found recently
  i don’t give you enough credit.
i only want one person to read this & i hope you do
s Jun 2019
Hm?
let’s watch history repeat itself
we know the song and dance by now
i’ll push you away with contorted hands
let the delusions block me out

i’m never satisfied, it’s the ******* truth
addicted to attention, obsessed with you
but my expectations are always too **** high
& it’s impossible to see me through

love’s nothin but a pathetic joke
built to erode
what did i try to preserve
even roses decompose

i’m in pain
just a silhouette lately
yea i’m listening to elliott smith
crying
what did you ******* expect
Yea I wrote something for the first time in months and it’s **** what about it
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