Thoughts racing
Frustration attacks
Fearing what I do
Have I done things wrong

Falling to my knees
I grip my head
Pressing with all my might
To try and stop it from destroying me

Over analyzing
Over thinking
Emotions going out of control
As I rock back and forth

Is everything I do so wrong
I can’t see how it’s not anymore
The pain my head inflicts
Driving me insane

Where is the peace of mind
Where is the harmony that I hear so much about
Where is the love for myself
Why must I be so broken

I start to scream
Trying to drown out the voices
Blasting music so loud
It can cause someone to go deaf

Yet I still hear the thoughts
Nagging my every move
Telling me all these lies
With so much negativity

Things like
You’ll never amount to anything
You aren’t worth anyone’s time
You annoy everyone you talk to

You don’t deserve happiness
You deserve this pain you’re in
You don’t have a right to feel special
You will never be enough

They all hate you
They find you repulsive
They don’t care about you
Why do you think they would ever love you

All these things
Everyday
All day
Breaking me apart bit by bit

Pushing me further and further
Into this pit of despair
Driving me to think
Maybe I’m better off alone

Maybe I’m better off away from everyone
Maybe I just annoy everyone I talk to
Maybe I am intruding on the people I care about
Maybe I’m not worth the air I breath

Am I even worthy of being loved
So many negative thoughts
Drowning out my own voice
Sending me into a state of disarray

Crying myself to sleep
Huddled in a corner
Fearing to even be seen
By those I call my family

Why am I so broken
Why must my head do this to me
What is happening to me
Do I even deserve to exist

It hurts to have your heart broken
But when it’s your trust that’s broken
It can be years before you are strong enough
To trust someone else

My trust was broken a few months back
And now that I found another
In which I like so very much
The trust is effecting me

Delusions and hallucinations set in
Causing my mind to panic
I try so hard to push them away
But they keep getting worse

I’m reassured that I’m not a burden
That I’m attractive and liked
But at the same time
My thoughts run ramped

Maybe he’s lying
Maybe he’s talking to other people
Maybe he’s with someone already
Maybe he’s just using you

Maybe he’s seeing multiple people
Maybe he’s this
Maybe he’s that
Thoughts of mistrust running wild

I can’t sleep
I eat everything in sight
Or I don’t eat at all
I cry all the time

I see visions and delusions
Of me cooking him dinner
And someone else coming in
And kissing his cheek calling him babe

And I wonder
Is my head really this bad
Am I going to let the past ruin my future
But yet the hallucinations continue

Visions of him holding someone else
Visions of me saying just take me home
Visions of me breaking down and crying
Visions of me that I wish to unsee

Cause you see
I like this guy
So very much
But this mistrust

Has got to stop
It will eat me alive
And it’s not fair to him
To compare him with the past

I’m breaking down
My heart beats hurt
I can’t contain it for much longer
It just keeps building and building

The harder I push it down
The harder it pushes back
And I break down in tears
Bawling my eyes out

All I do is think about him
Even with music blasting in my ears
The thoughts race by without stop
He’s all that’s on my mind

I miss him so much
I don’t know what to do
I shove my head into music and games
Yet it doesn’t work

I’m up late into the night
Constantly thinking what will happen
What if things were different
If the situation was different

Would we have actually became a couple
Or would this have still happened
I’m trying so hard for him
To just be his friend through this time

But the more time that passes
The greater the pain becomes
And I wonder to myself
Did I fall in love?

Is that why this hurts so much
Is that why I can’t help but miss him
Why he is constantly on my mind
Running circles around my distractions

I’m honestly afraid of the next time I see him
What if I run inwards and cause the body to faint
What if I run to him and kiss him?
What about a deeply felt bear hug?

Would he hate me?
It’s petrifying to think about
And each outcome is just painful
I’m so afraid to tell him

Afraid to say what’s on my mind
About how much this hurts
About my feelings for him
About how much I miss him

Should I cave and tell him?
Or should I bare the pain a bit longer
Letting the fates dictate
What is to come

I need answers
But I know that no one can give them
It has to come from me
Whatever my mind and heart decide

Fractured vision
Tear stained cheeks
Aching hearts
Shaking fists

Depression and anger
Mixed together
In a deadly fire
Waiting to ignite

Bursting at the seams
Pushing through the pain
Of a misery
That’s threatening to ****

Crashing and thrashing
Punching and flailing
Wishing things would change
That things would be better

Pushing down emotions
Being replaced by burning
Most agonizing feeling
Of being lost in the moment

Losing the sight
Not seeing what the point is
Breaking down into rubble
Swaying back and forth

Tears burst the dam
Rushing down the cheeks
Salt taste upon the lips
Nails digging into shoulders

Knees clenched to the chest
Screaming out for help
Yet nothing calls out
There is no help to come

The meds that help
Have stopped working right
And now a crumbled mess
Lays upon the floor

Asthma attacks ensue
Panic and anxiety spike
Dissociation happens
All is lost