i used to think
that i was a tiny dancer
in a music box,
spinning and sparkling
in front of a little mirror,
and girls would make me dance
when they were at their worst,
i would dance and smile,
and their tears would dry,
and they would see their beauty
behind me,
but i was just looking in the wrong mirror.
i used to think i was
the dawn,
stretching out over the horizon,
untouchable,
but dusk came.
i used to call myself
superwoman (or supergirl, because i hadn't
grown up)
and i thought i was invincible,
but i broke my arm when i
ran towards the villain.
i used to say i was a pop-star,
with thousands of adoring fans,
until i realized only my mum
liked my singing.
and then i saw
a monster in the mirror,
and it consumed me for
what felt like forever,
until, finally,
i realized that i was a
tiny dancer,
and if i danced,
i could dry my own tears.
i was the dawn,
but i was also the dusk,
bringing stars to the
broken hearted
(bringing stars to myself)
and i wasn't superwoman,
or even supergirl,
but i could befriend her
and learn her ways.
and when i sang to
the people who mattered,
the people who i loved,
they were soothed,
they liked to hear me sing,
and all was well.
sometimes,
i can still see that monster,
but behind her is the girl
who i know i can be.

today i was hidden behind change
behind little things like
nail polish and a hair cut
(everyone says the hair cut is a big thing)
but tomorrow what can i hide behind
besides lies and a china doll grin
and sunglasses to hide when my eyes
get watery from feeling too much
and i can hide behind my bangs and my hands
but i am still there
and i can still be found
i can hide in the ceiling because someone in it cares
for me
but i am hidden behind a wall of demons
of sins who keep people out
of my heart and soul
and mind
oh my mind
if anyone found the true thoughts in my
mind
they would send me away
again
and i would no longer be hidden
i would be in white
not in the darkness i call home
and all the time people would stare at me
and poke and **** and pull and push
like that man who hides himself
in a stuffy room
in nightmare ville
that place that smelt like the ocean when it rains
and blood and sweat and insecurity
and sounded like sniffles and muffled shouts
and screams but only i heard those
and it tasted like sadness and fear and electricity
and it felt like a blanket a wet blanket
that suffocated me
they'll poke and **** and push and pull me like
the man who hides there did
if i come out of hiding
so i wont.
i will stay hidden
i am hidden
except for now. now i am showing, but now i am leaving.

r.c.

each of these scars on my skin (paper)
tell stories and my fingers touch them to hold my memories
because i remember opening up and i hated telling anyone
how i felt
and what it was like to see my insides pour out
and that i still wanted to do it,
i still wanted to decorate my arms, thighs, stomach, hips, heart
with little pink red purple red lines
i remember when he grabbed my arm and i cringed and flinched and ****** air in through my teeth and my chapped lips
and you knew
through all that blue fabric you could see
my scars

r.c.

People told me you were a smoker-
nothing but trouble,
and that you were left overs
from girls who had left because they were
scared
I didn't listen, I just wanted to kiss
away the nicotine, I got withdrawls without
being addicted, and our lips never met
because I kept shoving you away,
you kept reaching for the skin under my 
'Fall Out Boy' t-shirt 
And you told me that I made you hot,
and I just giggled and said you didn't
need me, you were the hottest guy I had ever seen
but I knew what you meant,
I could feel the desire on your breath
against my neck

you took me to a concert
with the music blaring in my ears, I could
barely hear what you said but I could see
the way your eyes moved and the way that my heart started to sink
when our eyes met
so our sweaty bodies pressed against eachother in time to the music
and I laughed when you sang those songs about love and heartbreak
staring at me, because I didn't realize (I never realized)
that I meant that much to you 
(I thought it was always a joke, the way you needed me. I didn't
understand that the music spoke to you about me)

I asked you, still wearing the t-shirt (much to your dismay)
which Fall Out Boy song
could be ours, and as you stared
at the anchor (I asked you to lift your eyes but you wouldn't)
you chose Alone Together, or 
was it The Phoenix, I couldn't remember,
but you said I was your phoenix,
and I laughed and compared you to Albus Dumbledore,
but inside I wasn't laughing, because there was
fiery desire in your finger tips,
and I wondered if I really would burst into flames
(or tears, but either way, would I come back to life?)
But I thought it was the coolest thing
that you thought I was **** (like Finn said to Rachel during their
prom king and queen dance)

but inside I stared at you the same way
watching my heart slowly crack because I was never as desirable
as pretty as she could be.
you deserved to be with somone like her,
someone who's body fits perfectly into yours
who would fit right into a magazine photoshoot right beside you
while I took the photographs of the perfect couple..
I put on my best clothes and dressed up hoping to look like sleeping beauty to you 
but you laughed at me and asked why I looked so fancy
we were only watching Peter Pan, like we did every friday
(and I was Tinkerbell, because you were too blinded by someone else 
to see me)

I remember that I asked you, on a Wednesday 
(you pointed out my bracelet and told me it was **** Day,
and winked, and I shuddered inwardly)
why you left the last girl-
and you said because she was a princess
and I was a queen,
and I laughed and threw my arms around your neck
and we kissed and I tasted nicotine, your hands were cold
against my neck.
That was it. That was my wake up call.
I was nothing but a body to you,
my chest and rear were big,
larger than most,
so I shoved you away again, and then turned on my heel,
and said 'you are my ashes, and I have risen out of you',
and then I was gone on my Phoenix Wings.
But that was not the end of it,
because then I visited her, your ex,
and I told her what happened, and let myself cry a little,
and the two of us watched Peter Pan,
and I made a friend, because we had both dated Captain Hook.

and i believe you may **** me
with soft blue eyes.
you'll press your love into my
heart with a sword,
and kiss the blood off.
and i have a feeling i won't last long
if you keep telling me how much you care.
i know i will pass away if you keep
crying over my pain.
i don't know how to love you,
and i will get lost in the storm.
but i am ready to lose my life
to your love.
a poison has never been so gorgeous.
so merciful.
the title angel of death
doesn't fit,
you are more.
and yet, you are nothing
as i take my

l a s t

b r e a t h.

i am sorry-

because my butterflies flew away

because i wilted

and no amount of care could bring me back,

away from my silver sliver.

i do not know why i am
Such
a
broken
*****.

I cannot think of anything but my tomorrow and even
my yesterday, and how I ****** so much so I will again

I cannot hear you ask me if I'm okay, my heart beats in my ears, I am shaking so hard that I drop my juice and then
I
cry

if even for a moment I am sure of something, I'm sure an angel has touched me

I've got this much to do, and I say this as I
Stretch out my arms and you copy me except
You say you love me that big

but I do not believe you so I shut you out
because that is what I do
I am that little girl who can't stop writing dreams on my skin
or writing nightmares on my bones

I wrote '*****, ******, ******, *******, fatty, freak!' on my bones (and my bones are breaking) even though a few had never been spoken to me, but I
I could see them on lips that housed cigarettes
and maybe ***,
and possibly alcohol.
Lips that kissed pieces of bodies that should stay hidden
until we're older.

and all of these things, everything hurts and I'm doing everything
wrong

And I'm crying and I'm asleep because I'm anxious
I'm afraid

r.c.

i am skin
plastered onto these glass bones
and i am begging for pain

i am a plastic smile
manufactured for the
benefit of others

i am hidden between
lies and a new look
and sleep

i am human
and i make mistakes that nobody sees
mistakes that hide in my room on paper on skin

i am scared and lost and confused
but i am strong and inspired

i am me
and you are you

but if we were to become one

we would be
invincible

r.c.

You say you accept us?

Why the hell do you use 'that's gay' as an insult if you're so accepting?

And when are you going to learn that there's more than just gay and straight. Just like there's more than black and white, and there's more than ignorance, though I rarely see it!

And if you think the word '******' is ok, then walk away because we're gonna have a problem.

You have it so easy.

Do we walk around asking you why you chose to be straight?

Should we?

DO YOU GET FORCED INTO ******* CONVERSION THERAPY LIKE OH NO, WAIT, YOU'RE STRAIGHT? TSK TSK LITTLE BOY. GAY IS THE NORM, BEING STRAIGHT IS JUST A PHASE!

No!

You don't.

And I may be wrong, but has anyone ever slit their throat because someone was like 'oh, you're straight'?

Probably not, right?

So get out of my face unless you're going to accept us, because there shouldn't even be a question about this! We just like different people.

Stop making us afraid, stop using our sexuality as a weapon, stop questioning us, just stop.

do not
feel
scrape the feelings out with a dagger
remove them from your flesh,
and do not feel
do not feel for emotion clouds the
brain.

r.c.

i have no idea
why i can feel a boxing match
in my rib cage
where bone and heart meet.
or why my skin tingles like i am
watermelon, left on the ground after a picnic,
and the ants have found me.
i don't know what this is-
i'm in enemy territory,
this dumb thing called love.

You said good morning, beautiful, how did you sleep?
You made too many promises you just couldn't keep.
You said "You'll be okay, just maybe not today"
That was just what I wanted you to say
I fought to keep you out
But you were too strong
I let down my walls
**** was I wrong

My hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon



And when you touched my skin, I could feel the future
I could see the past, and I could feel her
I asked "Do I have your heart"
Or will your pretty ex-girlfriend tear us apart?

Of course you said- 'I love you, baby, we'll last forever'.
And I felt like every day was the first day, the first time you said you loved me
Until the past pulled you away


My hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon


We were both scarred and reeling from the fall
But then you went and ended it all
“I’m good for you but you’re not good for me”
All the lies and the secrets- why couldn’t I see?

We met in the rain, we were both in pain,
and I said 'I think you're saving me',
you said 'I can set you free'

My hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon


I’m dancing around the words I should be saying
I’m holding in the breaths I should be taking
Why can’t you wake up?
Why can’t you see?
Just what you’re doing to me?

Everything was desperation, this love was pain's creation,
so we should have known that it would hurt
because in the fire of everything bad, we met and I pretended you were my safety net
we both got burned, I should have learned
not to trust anyone with such a pathetic lust

Because my hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon
No, you won't be kissing them anytime soon.

the only explanation
for light pouring from you
is that whole scientific theory
that we're all made of stardust.

i don't know if i believe it
but i know that i want to inhale you
and blend our souls together.
i know that i love you so much and
i can't.

and everything is so bright,
my fingers trail across your hand
and come up dripping with stardust
so i know that you can burn me
but that you don't.

that is true love,
and the other half of true love is falling
in love with stardust
at 1 am as i lay on my side
crying into my pillow
and drinking black holes.

I thought i saw you

but the guy on the sidewalk was severely confused
when i used your name

and i want you to see how I've changed
but I fear you'll dislike what I've become

everytime a line hits my skin I'm picturing

the lines by your mouth as you frown at me

tomorrownextweeksometimebeforeidie I'll see you

I can meet you at the intersection on my palm

in my head, on my heart, in my soul
You can meet me at the intersection

where I stepped into oncoming traffic

r.c.

i remember comfort all through my body but then this
pain... it was this horrible pain in my stomach
but i could push it away enough to give him my soul.
it was what he wanted, right?
telling myself i had some part of him was delusional, he only gave me
a character he created. but i took it, no questions asked.
he claimed to buy me, but he only rented me.
looking back, i realize the pain was a warning.
because he was a predator and i, his prey,
but he took my innocence
and still wanted to pray.
i didn't ever ever ever think he was taking my being,
but then i was no longer whole.
and now i know.

Toss me into the ocean (my boat already capsized, then turtled. ****, what a summer.)

Aim a gun at my head (once, there was a guy who robbed some store with an unidentified weapon, and he lived on our street, and hid in my yard, and men with guns were everywhere looking for him.)

Run your knife down my skin (I'm a recovering cutter.)

Take the people I love away from me ( SIX MONTHS OLD AND HE'S DEAD)

Break a promise (he never came back; he never visited)

Drug me (they tossed pills at me to make me numb, make me happy, keep me sane)

Cram me into the confines of your basement (I layed perfectly still for about an hour to see if my brain was o.k.)

Bury me alive (when I was little my mom, and my brother, and me would horse around and I would end up under too many blankets and pillows and I couldn't breathe)

**** me (I almost did it myself.)

Do your worst- I've done mine.

r.c.

there's a drain
in this ******
middle school bathroom.
shoulder to shoulder
stalls,
and toilet paper stuck
here, there,
and above me.
one light has burnt out,
and it smells like
feminine products,
cherry lip gloss,
and electric nerves.
but there is a drain,
and it is my favorite part.
because if my eyes squeeze shut
then i am bones,
liquefied,
slipping into the spaces,
joining the world underneath.
and i reform,
i solidify as a crying little girl,
who still has to do math tests.

r.c.

'keep your head up princess,
your crown is falling...'
'sorry,' i say,
and push that diamond tiara back.
'sorry,' says the king, and
our voices are so different.
'shh, it's okay...'
'it'll never be okay!' i say,
and he pulls me against his fabric to
keep me safe.
'let your guard down.'
'i'm so afraid, your highness,'
'don't be. you are royalty too.'

Its 1 o clock in the morning,
There's too many hours in the clicking
Of that old ceiling fan.
And if it fell out of its hole,
And hit me,
Would you send flowers?
I think of bumping into you,
Somewhere big.
So nobody notices the sobs,
From both of us.
You cry because my skin is
Ugly
And I cry because your eyes are
Tired.
I wonder (1:05, why can't I sleep?)
If your smile (it never stopped)
Would falter,
With my stories of pain.
(You never stopped smiling, but
Missing you is stopping time)
(1:05)
Click, click.
Maybe I'll write you a letter.
Maybe I'll send it.
(Its 3:30)
One more word on the paper.
Sorry, and it's slanted, floating off its line
Misplaced, like I,
Before sleep.

r.c.

Set me free,
oh, gravity,
I cannot stay here,
I am an anchor,
and he is a sailboat.

My bones are star dust-
I am a super nova.
Behind me is darkness, ahead is a sky full of
stars, and that is why my eyes are bright
even when my soul (made of star dust, too)- is dull.

r.c.

trigger
trigger
trigger
maybe i'm pullin' a gun.
surprised the cops ain't come runnin',
because i'm trigger happy, nothing's stoppin'
the pain.
nothing's stoppin' the blood, except the sheriff who rolled into town
unwelcome,
maybe i gotta shoot him too.
i lose everyone, might as well
shoot him too.
trigger
trigger trigger
trigger trigger
maybe i'm pullin' a gun.

But I got 1k views! Thanks everyone!

i tried to look through your eyes today

at me, me, the girl who trusted you, (who trusts you, maybe...)

i saw a girl who sat, almost at your feet for God's sake,

and let words pour out of my mouth like i was
throwing up last nights dinner, because i hadn't eaten that night

and i saw a girl who couldn't face the mirror, because she
doesn't know how to act around strangers

there was a girl who made me sad, made me wish i could take
all the pain away

i saw a girl who was constantly HIDING (no, i was just... okay, maybe i was hiding) in too big sweaters and buns, long sleeves and leggings

dear GOD, its nearly 90 degrees outside, why are you wearing long sleeves?

because she has squiggly ink on her arms she doesn't want you to see

oh, oh but i figured it out

she wears these things because she's hiding

this is what you see- you see me, like nobody else

ever

has

r.c.

H o r r o r stories
Are your eyes (clear, drained of color as you
Cry)
Roaming the words on my
Bone marrow.
Because they say
'You should have been here'
And
'**** you for leaving without goodbye'
And you're on the floor,
Laying in my weakness.
I bleed, you watch, I clean up,
You go.
Later, you are laughing.
The pain is gone from your eyes,
From your palms.
You have become the anger in my throat as I scream
'***** you!'
And you catch me by
My wrist
Before I slap
That pretty little face.
You are crying too,
But you pull me in as I thrash,
And tell me you're never leaving again.
But I wake up, wander to the room we
Were going to meet in.
Are you there?
Of. Course. Not.
One more story in my bone marrow book.

r.c.

i don't want to talk about it to
the people who want to know.
i want to talk about it to
the people who don't have to know,
but don't mind anyway.

i want to tell you, actually.

about when i was too lonely
to know what i was doing.
when my no was not firm enough,
was not said often enough.
so they played me,
and i don't blame them.
i was so vulnerable.
so easy to take advantage of.
why not?
i was disposable, useable only for a moment of pleasure.
and it really hurt,
but i just sat there.
and took it.

and now look at me-
fighting flashbacks when a classmate makes a joke about the four letter R word.
crying for no reason.

i have always wanted to
make you proud.
but the harder i try,
the less you care, it seems.
i didn't cry that day,
but i really wanted to.
you taught me about myself
in a few minutes,
and you watched me closely
as i learned the ropes.

and today it's so cloudy and i am
freezing cold
and i just want you to be proud
because i am still smiling.

i am at home,
here,
covering up and
staring out the window,
and i can't wait to smile at you.
because maybe,

*this time you'll smile back

****, what a body, and sometimes
she touches me.
****, what a great voice,  and sometimes
she sings to me.
****, what a smile, and sometimes
it's directed at me.
Our laughs match like
we were meant to be.

r.c.

anger. i write with tears in my eyes because i am angry to be proven right. when i am forbade from sharing my poetry, proving me right of the times when i said NOBODY CARES, i am so angry that there are tears in my eyes. i'm going to make you read this and you are going to look at me and say nothing. you never say anything except 'ok' and you can't see it but that's so FRUSTRATING. do i only deserve two letters from you? all the times you've said in few words that i was wrong when i said you don't care about me, that nobody does, you were lying. i should have known better. the explanation for my tears? you, and her.

i became the moon,
my eyes pulled the stars away from the night
(the night was lonely anyway, it had nothing to lose)
and i found a tiara next to the curb.
on my way out to get it, a Cadillac almost hit me,
but i saved myself and my royal status.
my gown was short, tattered,
but perfectly outlined the curves of my body.
my hair was untamed,
but tiny little curls framed my jaw and cheekbones
just so.
for one night, for one moment in time,
i was the princess that little me had always wanted to be.

and at times, i wonder if you've ever really seen her, beautiful her. in those moments when her heart is beating fast because she's being smart, and when her eyes are watery because she's drowning in memories. she's so beautiful, can't you see it? when her cheeks are rosy red and her hair is mussy. shy, humble. have you ever really looked at her? her heart spills out and she is surrounded by an air of love. she's breathtaking, especially when her breath has been taken, haven't you noticed? haven't you noticed how bright her eyes are when she loves you? she wants to be yours and it's a beautiful sight, you should see her. **you should see her, you would fall in love the same way she crashed into being in love with you

if ever there is a time when i don't love you, the world must be ending, and the stars must be exploding in on themselves to fall onto the long lost lovers who turned on one another to slit each others throats. and even then, i will still love you. when you try to **** me, i will still love you. when i am gone, i will still love you. when you have become a memory, and i have become even less than that, i will still love you. if ever there is a time when i don't love you, i will love you.

my bones have become 
nothing but the ocean that can easily 
drown me 
and my eyes have become brides 
behind lovely dark veils 
and filled with my bones 
and my body is filled 
with these dots on my palm 
they told me I was worthless 
I told them to go to Hell 
though the funny thing is 
we were there 
and my skin was scarred with caring too much 
and I was scarred with caring too much 
my heart was everywhere 
on my skin 
and I was everywhere 
in the atmosphere 
I wished I could hide behind something that 
was based on lies 
because I wanted to believe so badly 
that I was captain America 
and you were my shield 
but instead you were Loki 
and I was all of the Avengers at once 
because I have to fight for myself 
because everything I thought was true 
was a dream 
and I am awake 
and my bones are water 
and my eyes are filled with my bones 
behind a veil

r.c.

sometimes for a minute I forget that I don't exist In your mind
you're the one that keeps me breathing when I'm pushed into the ocean
and yet you don't even realize that you're the air in my lungs when I
struggle to move through the dark waters
but that's okay because I would rather have you hold me up and not know it
than not have you there to keep me from drowning

The moon showed me exactly what was inside of your soul
And I wondered if the stars showed you what was in mine,
if you could see me as I shattered, as I exploded into nothing but star
dust.
And then you asked me if it was alright if you
came closer, and fixed me, and I said- yes, just don't hurt me,
and you didn't. Piece by piece, you put me
together,
and your hands bled onto my skin, and we mixed together
as skin and breath,
because you understood me, you had once upon a shadow been
where
I
stood. At the ledge, almost falling
And now you were there again to rescue me.

you held me that night at the bridge
when all I wanted to do was fall,slowly, but not for you
i'd already fallen for you, and I didn't realize you cared.
but then you jumped out of the shadows,
grabbed my wrists, looked me in the eyes
and told me that I was worth more than what I was doing
as you pulled me away from the bridge you reminded
me that I was beautiful (you reminded me of this
many times with your musical voice, I just forget
each time because you've put me together so many times)

I thought it was funny, how you could save me but i couldn't help
You, i found it comical that maybe I hadn't even
said my first words or
Walked towards the light,
when you were struggling like i was
Now, and when my laughter broke the humid night air,
You were confused, so i laughed harder and pointed at the ledge
That you pulled me back from and said
'That's why i wanted to fall- because you keep saving
Me, and i cannot save you, you might not need saving but i am
Weak, worthless, useless, i am done'
And i sprinted towards oblivion but you still held me and
No matter how many times i screamed and hit you
You would not let go.

you amaze me that way.
why would you hold someone so broken
that she wants to drop off the end of oblivion
never to be seen again by anyone breathing
(or anyone who has ever breathed, if I had gotten my way)
you held me so tight that the only person I could harm
was you
why would you do that? why would you
let me hurt you just so I could not hurt myself
so I could not rip myself into millions of pieces
you've pulled me back from the edge of the world
where I would've fallen if you hadn't pulled me back
with your gentle hands dragging me away from where I stood
grabbing my arms and keeping me there
so instead of falling off the bridge I fell for you.

I slid to the ground, and your arms
Were
Still
Around
Me,
and your breath still held because you cared
and you wanted me to be alright,
or at least alive
and thanks to you,
I was.

I doodled butterflies on my arms, and pretended
they could fly into my veins, and they were named after
celebrities and friends and family, no not family
I let my butterflies
live, and they lived real lives while I,
I lived a life already dead i n s i d e
and I let the butterflies soar back onto my skin
after every shower scared them away.
I was a flower and they were perched on me,
they were pollinating my strength with kind words
and you're going to be okay
okay
because we love you
you're our flower and we are your butterflies
And you will be okay. So thank you,
Dear butterflies,
thank you for living.


r.c.

my feet quickly began to meld into the
rubber grips on the stairs descending (into hell, I promise)
and wasn't I supposed to ask him something?
or wait, maybe I was supposed to ask yesterday.
what if I see someone I know?
ohnonono don't look at him
don't-
yeah, yeah, I'm perfectly fine but if you don't mind,
I need to get this test done (so I can go home, but I don't say that)
there's a sword fight going on in my spine,
and a boxing match in my head.
somehow my tears manage to stay
on the bridge of my lips,
staying off of the paper
that will judge me.
and then I wipe them with
ever graying hands, hands that shake
as I pass him the booklet,
and hands that turn the doorknob
releasing me and flushing out
all the panic.

r.c.

Marina's lyrics tell my story except

'Actually, my names-' because I don't know

'It's my problem if I have no friends and feel I want to die!'

Yeah, but what's my name? Rita.

No, but I mean who am I?

My names the dirtyblondenoblondenocopperheadnoblondenobrunette in the corner.

My names Cinderella, except that's the name he gave me,

we don't talk about him

Because to him I'm also ChristySusanChristySusan But to him I'm not Rita

To my best friend, I'm 13ShirleyJordan because we've been friends since grade 6 day 1 and we're funny.

But who am I?

You're Rita

YOU ARE KIND AND LOVELY AND IMPORTANT AND CLEVER, YOU'RE A 'PERFECT GIRL :) '

You're all these empty shouts as they eat and fall asleep and watch the stars shine.

You're Rita.

actually,  I'm tired.

r.c.

it was some sort of
illness
that rushed to my fingertips
and when i touched her,
i could feel myself heat up.
like everything inside of me,
was rushing to the threshold of my mouth.
and i had to keep it in. i had to clench down
until i could taste crimson metal.
and i kept my hands on her,
until my skin became the pond in the winter,
and the fever moved on.

you can
read my poetry
in the breaths i take to cry
short,
gasps.
you can
read my poetry,
as neurotically
as my nightmares on a hot summer night.
it is poetry,
not the national anthem.

r.c.

i am alive and i remember what you said

'it can be ok if you want it to be'.

so, with music loud and

smile wide,

i am alive , for once.

things are not perfect, and the pain still lingers,
but a tiny bit of hope is transforming my day.

it may just be today,
but for once,

i am alive,

i am happy,

i am alive.

Wasn't this about the time yesterday that I was stuck
over the toilet, afraid I would throw up, because I was ill

but this morning my stomach hurts because I'm crying too hard

it's 2 am and I can't breathe I can't sleep why am I remembering this with tears

2 am and my stomach still hurts but my thighs and hips are dry.

r.c.

i remember having to stand where they
could find me
and they brought me to some place
that smelt of tears (**** it smelt like screams)
and maybe i shed my own tears
and maybe some other scared little girl smelt
the sugar burning
because my innocence left the day i decided that
everything was awfulscarywhatshappening
so i dialed some number and made a mistake
and i lost the battle to stay
hidden
i remember i remember i remember
saying i loved him, and all he did was
drop me.
i remember i remember i remember
saying i hated me, and all i did was
drop me.
i remember i remember i remember
saying i love you, and all you did was
carry me.

I wonder if
you're noticing me cringing because your voice
no longer soothes me into a state of serenity,
instead it manages to make my hands shake
and my head hurt.
And if you can see my hands shaking,
do I need to sit on them?
Because something about the days a h e a d
are twisting up my i n s i d e s.
And I'm at war with insanity,
I've lost my mind and any ounce of me that cared.
If you notice my frantic state,
how come you haven't asked me if I'm okay
like you usually do, and how come you
won't center me, pull me out of the tide,
because you're strong and I,
I am turning inside out, completely and utterly
broken.
My bones are where my skin should be, my hair
is blood, and I am made of skin and senses.
Except that I am numb,
so maybe I am blind, and deaf, and dead.
please, center me because I am off balance,
and I have fallen, and the world is tilted.
center me (please) because you're the center of my world.

r.c.

My lips emitted         lies.
My eyes exposed      the truth.
I fell into                     oblivion.

r.c.

if i make a typo,
please forgive me,
because my fingers are slipping as my keyboard
drowns.
but i needed to write this, to someone who will
never see it.

dear you,
i miss you. i miss the way your eyes were the greatest color i had felt in a long time, and then became a legacy nobody could live up to. i miss the way you tripped on air. i miss the way you laughed when i tripped on my words, because i never trusted my mouth to work properly. i miss the way you would become this energetic child when you talked about the possibilities that lay in the stars. as if talking about stars literally pulled them from the sky and put them in your eyes. and maybe you never put them back. i miss the way you believed in me, one hand firmly on my mind and the other cradling my fragile heart. i miss the way there was this sort of love between us (completely platonic and professional) and i miss the way you asked me if i was okay, and when i lied, you pulled the truth out of me. i miss you, simply and fully.
how come you had to go?

r.c.

something drew you to me
as something drew me to you
an invisible thread
that i was afraid was too thin
to hold us together,
to keep you where i wanted you
so i cut it myself (like i used to cut my shell)
and i didn't know that
the rope was actually wire
and cutting it made it go slack,
and it hit me
r i g h t i n m y c h e s t
but i still loved you,
i loved you as i bled,
i loved you on my knees.
i loved you while you grabbed me by the waist
and kissed away the tears
saying 'hush now, butterfly, it's all okay'
but i didn't die, no.
i ended up in the ICU,
where I (had to) see you.
And then you admitted
you were into me,
but not like that (?)

r.c.

and i was like
maybe i can get this poem out,
get the life in me out.
but i am falling asleep,
skin on fire.