Everyone always says, that they will always be there for you.

But the truth is, nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly sad.

and that's okay I don't blame them.

I wouldn't want to be around me either.

Today I told someone that I have dignity and self worth...I lied

the day i get an invitation to your wedding and it tells me to wear white, i'll wear black, and when you ask me why i'll tell you that i feel like i'm attending my own funeral.

i'll sit there and wonder if you ever hear the sound of broken promises resounding like church bells at a wedding for people that weren't meant to be?

when you're standing at the altar saying vows they'll sound like death threats to my ears. you'll look at me and mouth the words "im sorry" like pulled back triggers on a gun.

i'll remember i was bulletproof until your eyes looked at mine, and then i became the biggest target in the room, and this is why you'll always be a lesson in broken hearts.

i loved you like a forest fire that was out of control, like there were a million firefighters trying to put out the spark we had and someone just kept adding fuel to the fire.

i tried so hard to conceal my butterflies like lighters , unaware that you'd already stolen them from my pockets and extinguished any idea that things could've ever been different between us.

now i understand i was just a broken metaphor to you and it makes me mad that i used to spend most of my time of daydreaming that maybe i'd be the person you spend your last breath saying "i love you" to.

when its asked if anyone has any objections i'll smile and say, "i loved him to," and just like you did, i'll walk away.

I like spending time alone
With the right person.

The problem is that
I found the right person.

I know it doesn’t make sense
To enjoy solitude
With someone else.

And I also know
I’m not his right person.
I know he doesn’t think about me.

And I know he won’t think about how my hair glows a goldish-bronze in the sunset.
He won’t dream about my blue eyes peering over his chest after we make love.

And I know he won’t rant about how I don’t love him with the same passion he loves me,
Because it’s the other way around.

I know he likes spending time alone,
Maybe with the right person.

The problem is that
I wasn’t the right person.

I love you, so silently
in my dreaming reverie:
a place you won't go.  
My heart, you can't know,
because the world
and our stories lie between.

last summer
I met a boy of 6 feet tall
he is two years older than me
he listens to punk rock
has an alcoholic father,
and his kisses
are sweeter than honey
and softer than silk

we spent countless, long, dreamy
cold, rainy, humid
nights
in my backyard
with the smell of too much hairspray
which I can not bring myself to smell again
and mosquito spray which I never apply anymore
11pm
4am
the hours passed by like minutes, seconds

under the stars
telling secrets
I was scared
scared of losing him
even though he was already lost

fading
disapearing
slowly and then all at once

hallways
silence
stares
me alone
him and her

11pm
4am
hours seem like eternitys, milleniums
crying
flashbacks
thinking about the us that will never be
blood spills on the paper
spelling out your words, promises
do I even cross his mind
maybe  probably not  no

I'm sorry I wasn't
skinny
pretty
funny
admirable
good
enough

I'm sorry

we didn't even say goodbye

goodbye, Brandan

In Welsh
The word "Hiraeth" means
A homesickness for a home
To which you cannot return.
A home which maybe never was.
The nostalgia,
The yearning,
The grief for the lost places of your past.

In Russian
The word "Toska" means
A dull ache of the soul.
A longing with nothing to long for.
A sick pining.
A vague restlessness.

In Yaghan
The word "Mamihlapinatapai" means
A look shared by two people,
Each wishing that the other will
Offer something that they both desire
But are unwilling to suggest or offer themselves.

You say that you love my words
And wonder why I have such a passion for them.
It's simple, really.
I'm merely trying to put a name
To everything you inspire me to feel.