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Sam Pagunuran Jul 16
with milk-stained lips
and spoiled tears
i've unearthed myself
from the black tar
that is mother

i did not cry at first
then with a punch
she carved me
with jagged corners
sharp enough to hurt

it is not a birth
but an exorcism
a regurgitation
of a rotten heart
but it's still a heart

ba-dump
ba-dump
i am warm not by blood
gasoline fills my lungs
ba-dump, i'm on fire

"ba-dump, ba-dump"
are my first words
it's baneful magic
my mother too hollow
to understand

my arrival is an omen
she calls me "consumption"
i devoured my mother
and spit out the soil
i am sick and i am also full
Sam Pagunuran Feb 2020
my grief, a calm sea
with me who's underwater
with no air, no life

hands facing the sun
slowly reaching for my ship
hoping i will float—

heavy is my loss
far from reach, ship is sinking
a retribution

my ship as my foe
and her fall is my drowning
untimely future

and time stood still for—
my ship, a broken wreckage
leaving me wading

salvation in death
i swam for survival and
no ship for rescue

people did find me
lonely hero with nothing
but my sun-dried tears

captain with no ship
grief heavy like dead body
rolling off the plank

my ship, a ghostship
where i am the only ghost
and my ship's at peace

"sorry for your loss"
how much does condolence weigh
to you—a stranger
for my best friend who left this world too early
Sam Pagunuran May 2019
Night's deafening lull
cradles me back to limbo—
—falling is release.
Sam Pagunuran May 2019
Salvation found me.
I will treat myself better.
This time, I choose me.
Today, I started going to therapy.
Sam Pagunuran May 2019
Your eyes are the world
The world is covered
In water
Of rivers
Of seas
Of oceans
No land above it
No land hiding below

The world, your eyes, is
Glimmering black
You are past the blues
The blues got dimmer
Are your thoughts get
Darker

Is the blackness
A cry for the
Universe's unfainess
To you?

A surrender from the
Reckless abandon
You've put yourself into?

An echo of the
Void, the emptiness, the abyss
You try so hard to fill?

The currents from your
Oceans
Are ever so wild

The waves get bigger
As days go by

The waves wash away
Your sorrows, your grief

The waves splash you
Back to reality
Back to uncertainty

And at the crack of dawn
At the crack of doom

The waves drown
The sound of your
Heart shattering to
Pieces like dreams
That turned into
Nightmares

The world is lawless
There are no walls at the ends
The water is falling
The world is closing in

The Universe whispers
"It's time to rest, my child,
Your world is heavy,
Your mind is light
A world uninhabitable
Even for you
Rest easy and
Sleep til you forget
The life you think you
Deserve."
How do you cope with loneliness? I'm getting really tired of everything now.
Sam Pagunuran Sep 2017
You don't want to tell it to my face
But you forget that your eyes speak
And they don't say you love me
And they don't say my name
You won't love me
You won't say my name.
Sam Pagunuran Sep 2017
And I promise you
that I will leave before you
even ask me to.
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