Forgive me father for I have sinned.
His hands were on my hips as we swayed to the beat
Our lips danced together,
Our moans creating a hymn.

He was kneeling above the altar created specially for him,
Caressing his devotee,
Appreciating her beauty.

Forgive me clergy, for I gave him my ring,
How many Hail Mary’s will wipe off this sin?

Father, you told me my purity was all I had.
If this is what Hell feels like,
I would gladly sin again and again.

She knew it was destroying her,
Tearing her up piece by piece.
She knew it was unhealthy,
He was torturing her,
thought by thought.

His presence could be felt,
Even when he wasn't there.
His name runs wild in her mind,
No matter how hard she tried to tame it.

Everything led back to him.
The music, the books, the bed…

Everything just came rushing back,
The memories she tried so hard to forget,
That blackening pain,
The red blots on the sheets,
The screams....

He was the only source of light,
In my world of darkness.
The only source of good
In a place surrounded by bad influences.
The only source of food,
In a place of starving hunger.

Her only source of love,
In a place of surging hatred.

She thought she had his love,
The love that has brought her happiness,
But, the poor, sad little girl,
Has never seen love outside of his.
She doesn't know love, real love.
And she never will...

No one knows love six feet underground.

She stands there
Fooling them with a smile
That they think is full of glee
When really
She can't wait to get out of here
and just fall
Into a deep deep slumber.

When she's sleeping,
She can't remember.
She forgets everything.

She forgets the taunts,
The torture,
The tears of blood
The screams
The demons....

She forgets them all when her eyes are closed.

But when she's awake,
the memories...
They hit her like a ton of bricks.

So sleep my angel...
For they can't hurt you there...

Not yet at least

Wave after wave,
Each one hitting her harder than before
Black clouds gathering above her, inside her, behind her,
All of them surrounding her in an eternal darkness.

Gasping,
Thrashing,
Screaming,
Crying.

She sinks.

I'm drowning in a sea,
A sea of my own Thoughts.
The dark slowly engulfing the light,
Savouring the taste as it crushes the good
in between its sharp fangs as the blood seeps out...
the deep red staining the sides of its mouth.

My breath hitching as I am forced to revel
In the dark
Being forced to watch myself
Self Destructing.

tears pooling in my eyes
But never escaping
As I am compelled to
By the demon involuntarily making me hold a gun to my head.

The demons laughing at my pleas,
Pointing at the disappointment that I have become.

The grin never leaving their face
As they watch their success story finish the job that they have started.
As the gun drops from my hand,
Into their next victims hand.

The red not only in my mind now,
But also on the white carpet...
The stains splattered all over
Never coming off.

It’s my 18th birthday today, love.
I beat you.
I finally did it.

Remember baby,
how we used to fight,
We used to play and compete
And how I used to whine,
Never gaining a single victory.
You always gloated,
Always rubbed it in my face.
In the end you always told me,
“My biggest achievement is you babe”
and tears would fall down
Staining my cheeks.
These tears never went away,
But you did.

Baby you promised!
You said we were forever!
So why did you leave me defenceless?!
I don’t like this game baby.
You win, I lose.
please don’t let my agonising anguish continue.

I wanted to win darling,
But not like this.
Not with you sleeping
Six feet
In a ***** damp ditch.

Before you, my world was dull,
The trees had no colour and neither did the sun.
I kept looking around for something to hold onto , but there was none
I never thought I would be able to see the day where I was blissful.

Like a storm, you came in,
Your eyes as piercing as a knife
And that smile that could give life
It was as if you were yang and i was yin.

I was the dark that was seeping into your life
But you didn’t mind as you smiled and guided me through
I could hear the demons pulling me back but you fought them all off
Unfortunately, they feed off chaos and strife

But the demons scared you..and nonchalantly you fled.
And like everyone else, you left me for dead.

The ghost of survivors guilt can be so unkind.
It haunts me even in my dreams
Every Single Night,
Taunting me for living and breathing right,
Showing me that this cruel, cruel world
Really is plight.

It was flickering.
She could feel it.
She watched in awe as the light fought its way through,
Moving,
Just as she thought that it would die out,
That the fight was over,
It flickered again,
Stronger,
Brighter,
Hotter.

It seemed like an endless cycle.
A vicious, painful cycle.
She wondered why the light didn't just give up!
Why was it fighting its way through what seemed like a pointless war?!
Why didn't the light just...give up?
It would be easier, safer, painless...

Then she saw it.
The light stopped flickering.
The flame grew, brighter and brighter,
lighting up the black room,
Illuminating her once dark life.
She saw the flame dancing in glee,
knowing that it had won that dark battle.
She looked down and saw a shadow,
Her shadow.

Just like that,
She had her answers.

The skies will weep,
For both of us they reap
Coloured tears of love
Fall over the city that fell from above.

Hell is empty,
The devils are amongst us.
Keeping us apart
They just laugh at our efforts.

The skies are bleeding now, my darling,
Bleeding tears of sorrow.
Why are they keeping me away from you?

The devils are here, my darling.
Running after us.
Clawing and tearing their way through anything
That stands in their way.

The devils are here, my darling,
They are you and me.

Here I am sat
At 2am.
Thinking of you and me
And our short lived romance.

Our little story
Wasn’t enough for me.
Darling didn’t you see
How we were puppets
Faking our glee.

Little plastic dolls,
Set up perfectly,
To do what makes them merry
While we drowned in misery.

But baby,
I was wrong.
I never should’ve broken it off.
Because here I am
At 2 in the morning
thinking about you and me
And our Short little Story.

The day I learnt I was broken
I didn’t cry at all,
Instead a laugh escaped my lips,
As I leaned against a wall
and laughed and laughed
as I began to fall.

The day I learnt I was broken,
I started to look around,
But I saw nothing,
Didn’t even hear a single sound.

The day I learnt I was broken,
I didn’t have anyone.
Not a single person to turn to,
No one could be found.

The day I learnt I was broken,
I also learnt that I was alone.
                 With no friends, no heart and no place to call home.

Dear Mama,
It’s me,
Your little girl.
The one who grew up too fast,
Has her own life now.
The one who you look at so strange,
‘Cause you can’t recognise even her own name.

Dear Mama,
It’s me.
Your angel.
Your baby girl,
The one who needs you more than ever,
The one who you can’t bear to look at because she’s changed.

Dear Mama,
Where are you going?
This is your home.
Home is where your heart is mama,
With me and the expensive new china.
Mama,
Please don't leave me alone, again.
Remember what happened the last time?

Dear Mama,
Please say it ain’t so.
You can’t leave now.
Your little angel needs to be in your arms.
Needs you to hold on to her,
Maybe then her broken pieces will fit back together.

Dear Mama,
I know you’ve gone,
But I also know that you’re still here,
That I’m still in your arms.
‘Cause Mama when I look at the sky,
I only see a bright light,
The star is shining on me,
Lifting me up,
Showering only glee,
Holding me tight,
Treating me right.

Dear Mama,
Don’t be sad.
Here I am,
Next to you,
Not on my death bed.

I'm a ghost,
Something you can't fathom.
I walk around these halls
Hoping to find a cure..

It's there,
I know it is.
I've heard legends,stories,myths you tell little kids
"It can be cured," you said

It's all in my pretty little head
There are no shadows
No black,dark things
Lurking. Waiting. Plotting my demise
It's all in my mind.

I'm just a ghost
Roaming these halls
Waiting. Watching.
For the cut to become a scar.

There's only darkness,
Not even a sliver of light,
Even the crack of dawn only brings black,
There is no hope,
No hope of ever going back,
Because once you go black, you never return from the other end of the spectrum.

Two sides,
Two opposing forces,
One winner.
Millions of deaths,
Billions of wars.
One winner.

The winner?
The one that consumes you.

My winner?
The Darkness.

She sleeps,
Alone.
Patiently awaiting his return,
Craving his presence.

She lies in a comfy space,
Waiting for him to join her.

Countless hours passed,
No sign of him,
Not even a single tear,
or a stem of white petals.

She's getting lonely,
all alone,
Lying in these satin sheets,
The space is closing all around her.

She can't see in this growing darkness,
Her breath escaping her body,
Walls pushing against her frail, fragile body.

Waiting and wishing his return
To his one, true love.
He promised he would be there,
That they would go together.

So here she lays,
Waiting for him to fulfil it
Just as they promised they would,
Together.


Wishing his return to her,
6 feet underground.

I'm incapable of love,
Incapable of feeling,
But Darling, please know that you are above,
Above everyone else. You're my King.

Mine.

im more than capable of jealousy,
The Green Beast grows inside of me.
He grows alongside the Black Barbarian
that thrives and feeds off Chaos and Strife
that takes pleasure in my Pain.

Mine.

I'm incapable of happiness,
Incapable of smiling for more than five minutes.
But Darling, please know that you're the source of my grin
The only one that can take away my despair...even if its for a little while.

Mine.

Baby, I'm more than capable of sadness,
its the only thing im good at.
the Blue Monster lets out a hearty laugh for every Drop that spills out of my leaking tap.
He sits on his throne beside his Comrades
Absorbing power like a Sponge.

Mine.

​
I know that you'll never be mine,
But you already know that I'm yours
Maybe even till the end of time

I know that we gave it a shot,
And it obviously didn't work out
Cause you're with her now.

I wish I could say that I was really okay,
But from this poem,
I'm obviously not.

You've made it crystal clear,
That you hold her more dear,
More near,
To your still beating heart.

I just think that it's funny,
How months ago you told me not to worry,
But when I caught you with her,
You didn't even bother to say sorry.

Fall in love with a writer,
If you want to be granted immortality.
But beware,
If a writer falls in love with you...
They will carve you in history.

​
But the nights are long,
And now you won't even return my calls.
The space between us grows so fast.
What once was love,
Is just a scar.

Don't fall in love with a girl who writes
Don't fall for her words that she calls
A song.
Don't fall in love with what she uses as an outlet for all who has done her wrong.

Don't fall in love with a girl that spews her emotions on a paper.
All of her poems will be about you. You and.
Only You.
Don't fall for her seemingly pretty words that in reality tear through flesh like a bayonet.  

Don't fall for this girl who writes.  
Don't tell her about your thoughts that keep you awake at night
Your conflicting emotions of do I text her or not?!

Don't tell her how you feel

Don't tell her anything...

Anything that you tell her
She already knows.
This girl who writes only writes for you.
This girl who vowed never to fall
Has already fallen for you.
Her fragile heart betrayed her and a million unspoken promises.

She vowed never ever to fall for a boy that she can't call
At 4 in the morning with a cheesy pick up line in mind
She vowed never ever to fall at all.

Don't fall for anything or anyone at all.
Everything that falls only gets shattered into a million
Little pieces.

Darkest night never felt so bright with you by my side,
The light appears,
Only with you in sight.
Oh darling,
Baby,
My love,
Don’t you see,
You’re the only one for me.
You give me life,
Light,
Guidance.
Something I didn’t have,
Till I met your acquaintance.
Oh sweetie,
It’s so awfully cliche,
But really baby,
I know we’re going to grow old and grey
Together.

You may have this body,
You think that it’s yours
To keep
To do with as you see fit,
To kick to one side when you’re done with,
To worship when you’re bored.

You may think that this body is yours,
That I am but a mere pest
One that is too tired to stand up to you,
One who is so bruised and battered that
she is just a husk of the woman she used to be.

All I needed was a call,
But you never cared.
Laughing at my pleas,
Laughed when I bawled.

Lost and insecure,
You left me.
Lying on the floor,
In my most vulnerable state.

Promises were broken,
Those which were spoken.

You promised you would never said goodbye,
We even sealed it with a kiss.

Since then the guards have been up,
Never to be killed again.

To the one that holds my hand,
When I'm losing all my might,
And the one that tells me I can,
When i think i've lost the fight.

She's always in my heart,
I can feel her in my soul
She was there when I was young,
I'll be there when she's old.

I'll never let her go,
For diamonds are a girl's best friend,
And you know you've found one
When you know she'll be here till the very end .

So here's to you mom
My own personal hero
You were there when I was young
I'll be there when you're old.

Here's to you, mom,
My personal superhero,
For whenever I need her,
She always seems to appear.
Be it a phone call,
Or a lingering thought.

So here's to you mom,
The only mom that makes the best crepes,
Our own superhero,
For not all superheroes wear capes.

By now you must’ve realised,
that every face wears a mask
but darling,
if you let me, I want to do the honours,
of taking that filth away from you,
Daring, you don’t need a cover up
You’re just perfect the way you are.
Don’t you dare do them that favour
of getting under your akin
they’re just parasite’s ;
Lurking to get within;
They’re the monsters that hide under your bed


But darling I forgot to tell you…
We are the parasites and monsters that the fairytales warned us about.

I can't do this anymore,
The pretending,
The lies,
The betrayal.

I can't do this anymore,
The lying to my friends,
To my family
About being happy.

I can't do this anymore,
I'm sick of trying,
I'm tired of crying,
I just want to sleep.
To sleep and forget,
Because while I'm sleeping
I don't remember anything.

I don't remember the hurt,
The lies,
The scars,
The blood,
I don't remember anything.

If I were over it,
My heart wouldn't hurt anymore.
If I were over it,
I wouldn't be scrolling through years and years worth of content
just so I could see my name on your timeline.

If i were over it,
my breath wouldn't get caught in my throat
just by seeing your name on snapchat,
twitter, or even instagram,
fearing that you're with someone who isn't me.

If I were over it,
I wouldn't still be writing about you,
picturing what our lives would be like
if instead of running away,
I actually stayed.
​

She used to be happy, emitting joy,
She used to be friends with everybody,
She was the flame that the moths would fly to
She was the spark that changed it all.

But the flame has long died out,
The joy has vanished.
The words that were spoken cut her like a knife,
It took away her innocence, joy and almost her life.

She’s falling, falling oh so deep
Into darkness that you put in her world,
A world that she didn’t know existed
Until that day.

Oh darling, she’s gone now. Don’t you dare weep,
She’s here isn’t she…just in a deep deep sleep.

The wind had never howled this
Loud.
It wanted everyone to hear its sorrow.
Oh how the mighty have fallen!

And with it came the tears.
Tears of the sky.
The rain fell
Harder,
Faster,
Pelting everyone with its rage,
Making them feel its plight.
Oh how the mighty have wept!

"We were Kings!" She screamed.
"Kingdoms fall." He replied nonchalantly.
"We were happy." She told him.
"Happiness never lasts." He said simply.

"We were in love." She managed to croak.
"Love doesn't exist."
Oh how the mighty are suffering!

Words mean nothing
Nothing at all
If your word is going to be like a glass after it falls.

Broken
Empty
Only spoken

Truth versus illusion.
That seems to fit.
Where the illusion was that I was perfect with him
When the truth is that I couldn't stop the tears from leaving the brim.

She ambled along the pavement,
Searching for an answer,
Desperately looking for a reason to stay.

Tears pooled in her eyes ,
But she didn’t cry.…She never does.
“It makes you weak,” she stammered.
Vulnerable.

She was said to be a boy,
Never liking dresses.
She wanted to go places,
Unlike the rest who wanted a barbie doll as a toy.

She ambled, walked, then ran.
But she never found it.

Well, there goes another one.
Burried deep within the sand.

I want to be Fire.

I want to burn,
To lick and hiss
and defy all odds.

I want to last,
To never die even when a swarm of people
From near and far,
Scream, fling, shout
At me,
Still then,
I will burn,
Destroy everything that works against me.

I want people to stop and stare,
Admire my beauty,
Come so close to it,
But being too scared to touch.

I want to engulf,
To incinerate
Anything that stands in my way.
The smoke from my success
Should paralyse.

I want to be Fire,
Even when I think I’m dying out,
i want my flames to rise again and again.

Right now there's only rain,
Not even a glimpse of light
I just can't help feel like I'm stuck in a Fight.
A fight for my life...

Trapped in a moving train
Only headed for a deadly crash
With nothing to pull, not even a chain
And nothing to do except wait for death.

being able to feel It coming,
and feel Its presence,
but never able to know when or how..
The worse form of torture is sitting here waiting for it to engulf me in its cold, black embrace.

It's Funny how the person that seems the bubbliest,
Is the saddest.

It's Funny how the person that is most helpful,
Needs more help than anyone.

It's Funny how the person who always has a smile on their face,
Is the person who cries themselves to sleep.

It's Funny how we think we know the people around us...
just by how they act,
But the truth is that we don't know anything..
Isn't that a big slap?

Why do we crave to label everything in our path,
Why do we seek to throw out wrath
and make everyone else miserable
Just so we can have some smiles.

​
I'll take shelter in my memories of a fool.
Because nothing hits me harder then the
Emotions when I see you.

You left me broken and ashamed
Nothing left but picture frames
All I know is that I lost the best part of me
When you left me hanging.

I took shelter in the deepest part of my brain.
Remembered how you were before you changed.
You used to smile.
The kind that would light up the whole room.
Now you do nothing but stand in the corner and brood.

I found shelter in a cramped up space.
Stuffed and overflowing with nothing but memories of us at your place.
Do you remember the day we just sat and talked?
Sitting under the grooves of the wall,
Tracing, memorising every little detail
Lord knows I still go over everything
Replaying it over and over again.

If I could do it all over
I know I'd do it differently.
I wouldn't have let you walk out the door
Even if my life depended on it.
I wouldn't have let you crawl into that dark room in your head
You know the one where it makes you afraid,
Afraid that everything is your doing,
That its your fault we're losing.

A silence like death,
Tears unable to take its own course,
Trapped.
( Just like I am )

a Prison called faith,
I am unable to face
Anyone.
( Can't tell them anything. Or Else…)

Isolation is the only solace,
The only one I am able to take calm breaths.
( don’t let them in)
( don’t allow them to see)
( I’m drowning in a pool of my own imagination)

                 *Serendipity.

"Be yourself and you will go far,"
They said.
But what if being myself is how I got these scars.
The bruises on my back, bruises on my heart.
The deflated self esteem that I was left to hold
and the endless streams of "Just ignore it."
My thoughts that once used to be gold,
They're all gone and replaced with a deep, black pit in my soul