The hardest part in pretending to be okay
is knowing that you are alone.
They see your smile and hear your laugh
and then they walk away.
Your scream is shattering, yet silent
and for a reason you have yet to discover on your own.
Your words are a game of scrabble
That no one seems to be able to decipher.
It all seems really pointless, now.
Why do you even try?

You’re not okay,
And you’re not okay pretending it’s supposed to be this way.
Forced laughter and twisted smiles,
You never thought life would end up like this.
No one knows and no one cares,
It’s a tragic way to live indeed.

But for some reason, you still want to live.
You want to breathe, you want to dream,
You want desperately to be free.
Death is not something you fear,
But you don’t desire it in the least.
Explain these mutated feelings to me,
I’m lost in hopeless thoughts.

Are you sad, or are you happy?
You don’t seem to know yourself.
Should you cry, or should you laugh?
Opposites to each other of course.
How could you begin to describe this life?
It’s a question mark with no sentence.

And at the end of the day, tucked into bed
Countless hours are spent staring ahead.
The good things,
The bad things,
And all the things in between -
Spiral in your head with no apparent ending.
And you begin to think that maybe, just maybe...
It won’t be as difficult tomorrow.

And I just wanted you to know…

That he knows that we know.
That she knows that he did.
That I saw and you heard.
That he wasn't and she was.
That she knew that he swore -
That they couldn’t and he wouldn’t.
So she won and he lost.
So she scowled and he wept.
So she left,
and I looked closer.

She was gone and he was alone.

She was moving on while he was sitting at home.
She was getting over him while he cried on the floor.
She lived her life freely, while he didn’t make it much further -

And that was it.

So I told you and you told them,
and they told her and this time -
she fell to the floor.
Promises made in vain years before,
ignored first by him but in suit by her.

And because he's gone -
because she left him -
because he broke -
she did the first thing that came to mind,
and did what tore them apart in the beginning.
Getting over her addiction to him,
with the one he had broken her heart with.

So now she's alone and he's no more,
she's crying on the floor and no one knows,
not me nor you - she's behind closed doors.

And I can't see through them -
I can't see through her eyes.

But apparently, according to the note -
and everyone believes notes -
a life without him was what she had wanted.
And a life without him was what she had gotten.
But when life took him away with no second chances,
life without him was something she no longer could handle.

So she went no further.

And that was it.

So her parents told us and for the first time,
we had nothing to say.
Not once, but twice, and in the same way...
two people we'd followed with our eyes, ears, and mouths
were no longer fueling our conversations now due south.

So...

You went your way and I went mine,
he went his way, and she went on her own.
The rest spread out like Jacks before we dropped the ball,
and we were all alone this time.
Not just one, no -
Not this time.

And that... was it.

I’ve made a few mistakes down the road
Some keep me up late at night
I didn’t think then they would make me lose control
And it hurts how much they impact my life

Back then I never thought how or why or when
this or that could come back to haunt me again
I was foolish and desperate and blind, I know now
And because of that, I have ****** up my life

Guilt, more guilt, it eats me alive
It doesn’t matter how young I was,
Not in a predator’s eyes
A mistake is a mistake and it will nail me to my grave

No coming back from that now
What will they say, what will they do,
is there a kind of escape I can hope for - am I doomed?  

Just let me live in peace, just let me scrape by
I’m terrified the life I haven’t lived is over,
I’m terrified I won’t find my light

I’ll say it once, I’ll say it twice
I’ll say it as many times as I need
I’m sorry, I apologize, I’ll get down on my knees
But please, oh please –

Don’t hold my adolescent sins against me