It took me 10 years to let you in. 10 years to allow you to look at me and truly see me. 10 years for me to let you look at the piece of me I've never gotten back. That piece is yours. Hell, all of me is yours if you want it. I don't know if I can bear to be anyone else's now, knowing what I know; how things could be. And this is why it took 10 years. I've always been afraid that once I tried you I wouldn't have a taste for anything else. I let you in completely. No walls. No pretenses. No pretending I didn't. Now what?

I got butterflies hearing it
You got drunk and told me in a smokey bar
Earnestly, clumsily, but in the dearest way
You don't remember
You weren't quite ready
It wasn't how you wanted to do it

So we pretend you haven't told me yet.

I've wanted to tell you in so many smokey bars
On street corners when we're walking
In bed in the early morning
In the shower, suds covered, soaked and laughing
In my kitchen, dancing and spinning me around
On grocery trips and in speeding cars.

You haven't told me yet
But I'm bursting to tell you again

I don’t think you know what              it is you want with me
                                                   exactly
I don’t think you want me
                                                   exactly

Do I even want you?    
"Yes. Of course you do."          comes the answer unbidden and unwelcome

If maybe we don’t want one another, why                are we both still hanging onto this
                                                            ­               exactly
If maybe we don't want another then why                isn't it easier to hang onto this
                                                            ­               exactly

It's not feasible for me to depend on you to wrap me up and protect me from the world as much as I would like that to be so.

I can't come curl up on your lap every time the world takes a swing at me.

I can't call you in the middle of every busy day to whine that people are irritating.

I can't expect you to be there every night to hear me vent or emote about my day.

I can't depend on your comfort. I need to depend on me.

Still, I'm sitting here trying to calm down

And I ******* miss you.

You're my other.
You understand.
You engage.
You listen and mull things over and discuss.
You let me run
and you run with me.
You don't just let me run and wait for me to come back.
You run next to me.
You exhilarate me.
You allow me to breathe.
You breathe for me when I can't breathe for myself.
I miss you terribly.

I miss you.
Not *******.
I miss
You.
I miss your smile when I have a hard time waking up.
I miss you teasing me about my inability to go a day without spilling food on myself.
I miss knowing what you're thinking about; all ten things.
I miss the way we never walk in step.
I miss your wolffish grin when you're about to say something ****.
I miss the way you look at me and actually see who I am.
I miss talking to you after work until you fall asleep in my passenger seat; trying to stay awake but failing in spite of yourself.
I miss the way your hair sticks up eight different directions in the morning like a super Sayan
I miss conversations around the clock.
I miss your worries and your fears;
Your concern
Your empathy
Your laugh.
I miss you.

I wait
even a glimpse of you
would be plenty sometimes

                   You used to hug me when you saw me
                   even if it was only a 30 second meaning

You didn't
yesterday instead
you said 'hey dude'

                    You're frazzled. I get it. Honestly, I do
                    but a little encouragement wouldn't hurt

I want
you to just tell me
what you want

                    Don't be afraid to hurt me.
                    I'm not as fragile as I look.

I knew what I was getting into from the start.

lend me your heart
just lend me your ears

                                         I will tear you apart
                                         I will play on your fears

lend me your lips
lend me your thighs

                                        I will give you my hips
                                        but then I will cry

lend me your arms
and lend me your shoulder

                                        I will do more harm
                                        I will simply grow colder

please lend me your soul
lend me your mind

                                        I will make you un-whole
                                        I will leave you behind

  
    you've always known I was a flight risk

the game has ceased to be fun
you don’t want to settle anymore
you’re so bored with waiting
waiting for him to show up
waiting for him to notice you’re
right
there
hold on my dear

**you’re far too young to be so jaded little girl

I knew this was going to happen
It was never a question of if
Only when
Knew it the first night

I stepped into your embrace
"God it's good to see you."
We got drinks.
We left together.
I was still trying to fight myself.
I thought you'd be gone in a day...a week...a month at most.
That's why I pushed you away in the alley.

This. Raw. Open. Angst. Sadness.
Where I am now.
I was afraid of it.
I was afraid of letting you in.
Of letting you see me.
Of letting you have me.
Of letting myself have you.
I was afraid of losing you.

Then I was afraid of what not having you would do.
Of ignoring you, pushing this back into a box trying to convince myself of things I know aren't true:

"We're better apart,"
"You don't love me,"
"I'm the only one who sees this;
feels this;
fights with this"

Scared of regretting more than I already did
My only regrets belong to you.

I let go.
I dove in.
I swam.
You sat on the shore.
You watched.
You left.
I knew you were going to.
You said you would.

I didn't go my whole life without swimming.

Do not presume to tell me what is good for me
How I'm feeling
What I want
What I need
While I may not always know
I know you know less
When I say I can handle something
I can
When I say I want something
I do
Don't you dare try to control my life from afar with your words or lack there of

See me.
Look at me.

Please see me: who I am; what I have to offer you.
I’m sitting here silently screaming at the top of my thoughts.
I’m waiting for you to understand just what I am;
Hoping and praying I’m right; that you have what it takes
Be strong enough. Be brave enough to take me for what I am.
I see in you something that could see me. Try this with me?
I continue to wait and scream at the top of my thoughts.

Hear me.
Please.

waiting for you to awake
it finally hits me

zero to sixty in a few short days
that's what we've always done

you came back around riding storm clouds
wrapped me up in a tornado of comfort

I need this
it's terrifying

Every person that comes through the door
I hope is you
I'm hopelessly strung out
reel me back in

I’m a boredom buster
I’m a midnight snack
I’m a pointless drive
I’m an occasional drink to calm the nerves
I’m here nor there
I’m not going to be in the future
Why dwell on the past?

"I'm home."
My whole plan for the night has changed.
"Let me throw on some real clothes and makeup"
"You don't need makeup"
"Oh the makeup isn't for you. The makeup is so I can deal with reflective surfaces."
I am there in less than a half hour.
You wrap me in a hug.
It's as if some sort of missing gear drops into place in that moment.
So many things are said in that one embrace.
Did it look that way to the casual observer? Or did it look like an average hug between friends?
There were no casual observers.
We're in a bar.
Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.
You drink yours with Coke.
Mine has honey and is on the rocks.
"Are you two talking? Seeing one another?"
In unison: "No. Just friends."
Did anyone smell the lie before I recognized it?
My leg rests against yours.
You text me to communicate thoughts over the others' heads.
"Are you okay? I know he's a bit much. We can leave?"
"I'm fine. He's fine. Do you want to leave?"
We're leaving to join friends at a house.
We route through an ally to visit your brother's first.
You're in front of me. Beside me. around me. Kissing me. My lips remember things from years ago I'd told myself to forget happened. I shove you away. Confused. In shock. Dumbstruck. Awestruck.
"Wha...wher...where did that come from?"
"Oh. I see how it is. I'm sorry. Maybe I misread."
"No. Just...wha..."
I don't remember what else I said to you. Only what I felt. What I still feel. Shock. Relief. Awe. Joy. Disbelief.
I didn't shove you away because I wanted you away. I wanted to pull you in, ******* your hair in my needy hands and communicate to you things I've never had the guts to speak; wrap every inch of me around you and show you what my life had been without you; what it could be with you. I shoved you away because this is not what we do. We do not cross that line. We do not open that box. We do not acknowledge this...whatever this is. We ignore and deny. Even still, I didn't shove aside your next kiss. Or the next.

You cannot keep him afloat.
No one can.
You'll drown yourself if you try.
Keep yourself afloat.
Do things for you.
Make you happy.
Tell him about them.
Include him if he'll be included.
Talk to him.
Talk to him about simple things;
About beautiful things;
About curious things;
About mundane things.
Let him know you're there and floating next to him
That you will help him float if he needs it
But don't you dare drown yourself holding him above the water while you can't breathe.

you're constantly split
between trying to protect me from yourself
and letting me in

You can call me kid, but
I promise I'm a big girl.
I know what I'm risking being here

I knew you were a risk
from the first conversation
but your arms feel like where I should be

Maybe it's you
who should find some
safety from yourself

                                          Just maybe that safety
                                                should be me

Is it possible
that you meant
everything you said?

an inquiring,
lonely mind
needs to know

You keep everyone
two arms’ lengths away.
You’re untouchable.
Everyone wants a touch
But this way you’re safe.
No one can touch you.
No one can hurt you.

'Good Morning Sunshine'
those are words I long to hear
ushered from your lips
as you roll over to caress me awake

If I'm entirely honest,
I simply wish to awaken to you

I like you very much,
but I hate acting like it.
I hold back and act aloof
I’m terrified of falling for you
I’m afraid of showing I care about you
I’m afraid you won’t care as much.
It feels like stupidity to admit I want to be with you without knowing how you feel

I like ***, but I also love just sleeping with you wrapped around me.
I sleep better with someone in my bed.
I think you’re gorgeous when you’re fast asleep.
I talk in my sleep, but you do too.

I’m impulsive, but I overthink things.
I’m sensible about most things.
I feel like I’m not being sensible about you.
You don’t know what you want with me
and somehow this is okay.

Seems like yesterday I was 17.
I was a different girl in every way.
I know who I am now and what I’m worth
I think you’ve known from the start.

Don’t think.
Just act.
Revel in the beauty of the moment.

Don’t think about what comes next.
Just feel.
Improvise: Play the melody by ear.

Don’t think about the illogic of it all.
Just love.

Hey, It's me
You know who I am

I'm here for the long hall
I'm stuck fast, going nowhere soon

don't know how to quit
don't know how to bail

Wouldn't even if I could
It's not my nature

Give yourself (and me) a break
try not to make me wish I could get away

Beautiful words
Lush words
Unique words.
Long words.

Masterfully wielded words

They caress my ears
They kiss my lips
They are ****** in my mouth.
They tangle on my tongue.

They spill out of you
and into me.

You're unsure your potential is worth keeping around.
You love life enough to leave it and protect everyone from you.
**** your protection. You know how I feel about that.
"Everything will be okay"?
"It always is"?
Nothing in me will feel okay until I can wrap my arms around you and feel you again.

Understanding.
Safety.
Comfort.
Home.
I sleep better when you're here.
I feel better when you're touching me.
Even just a brush against your leg or your back behind me as I roll over.
You are what I crave the second anything is wrong
and the second anything is right.
You are a comfort I didn't think it possible to have.
I don't know what I give you that keeps you here, but I'm glad of it.
Please stay.

There once was a time when I thought that if we just spent time together and tried on one another that we'd find we were ill fit for one another;

that we would move on rather than sit around in ill fitted clothing.

What I didn't account for is you becoming my favorite thing to wear.

You don't fit improperly at all, rather you're the most comfortable thing I've ever worn.

Some meals you tire of before they're finished.
You push your plate away
the taste ash in your mouth
finished with even the idea of that flavor gracing your pallet again.

Some meals you devoir wantonly until there's nothing left.
They leave you hungry still.
You are forced to go find more to eat
another meal to fill you up better; more completely.

Some meals you nurse as long as you can.
They are savored tiny bite by tiny bite
you hoping to drag out the pleasure as long as you can
not wanting it to end.

Some meals you make as often as possible.
They become your favorite
delicious and effortless.
You eat them often without regret of calories or regard for consequences.

You don't talk
I'm afraid I've done wrong;
afraid you've changed your mind; afraid you will change your mind still. I'm afraid.
My past. Your past. Our history.
It makes me afraid.

I choke back tears that I know are irrational.
You scared me.
Knowing, imagining what I would feel to no longer know you existed somewhere was a terrifying thought experiment.

I fell asleep smiling last night
wide awake nestled in your chest
where I've learned I like to be

I fell asleep trying not to laugh
for sheer joy of your affection
Please don't ever keep it from me

We were best friends
We broke up
things are ugly
Our friends have picked sides
not because they were forced but because they weren't really my friends to begin with

You couldn't decide
Couldn't be friends
Couldn't be lovers
Couldn't handle me in your life at all

"If you are out, I will not be"
"Sorry doesn't fix anything. Us not seeing one another anymore does."

You have spun yourself as the good guy.
And they will call you mature.
You've handled this the best way you could.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
It wasn't your fault.
These things just happen
Sometimes

I will be crazy
Or unstable
Or just need to try harder to move past it.
I will be the bad guy.

I will stand drunk here in my apartment as you stick your drunken tongue down my throat
And your drunken fingers inside me

And I will wait for the morning to come so you can blame me
blame alcohol
blame anything except your lack of self
self respect, self worth, self control

Again.

Do you know what it's like to rewire your brain?
To lie to yourself for years about something?
Because that lie is easier to understand than what you know in your gut?
Because you can't explain what you know?
Because it's easier to lie to yourself so well that even you believe it than it is to acknowledge that you are terrified and lost and alone and that you don't know when that's going to stop?

Affection.
Retreat.
Affection.
Retreat.

When will you learn that emotion
doesn't have to be so hot and cold
so on and off?

Let go.

The brunt of your being:
I want it.
Anything you’ve been shielding me from.
Monsoons. Tornados. Earthquakes.
All of it. I want all of you.
I want to know what I’m missing.
Hit me with all that you have.

I want the walls down:
yours and mine.
I want one relationship where things aren’t obstructed by walls.
I want one person in my life to inhabit the same spaces with.
Be that person.
You know you could be.

We’re sitting on a hill. We’re listening to someone over the age of 40 introduce a band he says is lyrically good. I half-heartedly cheer when they take the stage. He looks at me, eyes twinkling and says,

“No, no, no. Like you mean it.”

“But....fine. Wooooo!”

“Come on. Like you mean it!” he chides, grinning. I relent and attempt to cheer ‘like I mean it.'

I let out an enthusiastic, “WOOOOOO hahahaha !”

I’m laughing as I cheer, finding that meaning it is fun. It’s invigorating. Being here with him, meaning it is perfectly fine. It’s been so long since I’ve had fun; so long since I’ve felt alive.

Feeling alive is meaning it. It’s just going, doing, feeling. It’s giving someone a door through those walls I’ve so carefully crafted. It’s the horrible hangover you get when you realize you’ve had too much ‘meaning it.' It’s living in the moment. Isn’t life just a compilation of moments anyway? Always mean it.

This whole thing is up to you:

I’ll sleep with you
because I like to.
I’ll wait and see where it goes
because I think you’re worth waiting for.
I’ll be around
because I don’t know how to be anything else

She’s not the kind of girl you put on your “roster” or decide to only see sometimes. The universe isn’t going to throw her at you twice. She’s the kind of girl you lock down as soon as you can. That’s the problem. You know that. You sense it; even if you aren’t ready or can’t give her what she needs. You try. And you fail. Inevitably she gets spooked and you lose her anyway.

She doesn’t need you. She doesn’t need me, or you, or him. Never has and never will. She wants you. She wants you and she isn’t afraid to tell you that; to show you that. She’s not someone you can game; or a game you can play. She doesn’t play.

She takes her love seriously with a side of whimsy. She wants it all and she wants it now. Play with her and she’ll get tired. She'll walk away. She’ll try to poke and **** you in the right direction, but if you take too long you’ll lose her. She knows what she wants and she knows what you want. She knows it better than you do. That’s why you want her. That’s why you want nothing to do with her.

It creates me.
It controls me.

It frees me.
It motivates me.

It stunts me.
It protects me.

It defines me.

It destroys me.