When did it stop? Did you stop loving me when I couldn't speak cause my throat was so tight from screaming in my dreams? Did you stop caring when I threw the sheets over my head because I didnt want you to see me crying? Did you stop loving me when I talked about my past and my future? Did you'd wish I'd just shut up? Did you still love me when you held my head in your hands and kissed my forehead and said "this love will never end"? Did you still love me when you showed up with messy hair and flowers in your hand? What about that time we walked through the park with our fingers intertwined and you said "although the sky is grey, the color in your mind colors the whole sky"? When did you stop loving me? When I couldn't get out of bed in the morning because love just wasn't enough strength to keep going? Was it when you left for a vacation with your parents cause they wanted you to think about your future? Was it because maybe I wasn't apart of that future? You said till the end. I didnt know that the end was a month ago, I thought the end was when I was dead. But now im barely breathing, so I might as well just be on my death bed. When did it stop?

I found love
Where it wasn't supposed to be
Right infront of me
And I can barely breathe
This ocean is drowning me
Taking my body down into the sea
I found heart ache
In a bottle full of ***
I can't feel my tounge
I never meant to make you bleed
I was just trying to burn myself instead
I found pain
Where it was supposed to be hidden
Our love was forever forbidden
Kept in secret places
In small empty spaces
As people watched with blank faces
I found love
In your darkest part
The smallest place in your heart

Life
     Is
       All
          But
    A
              Lie

Death
          Is­
           Certain,
Inevitable
                      To happen

Living
          Is
            *Dying

We
    Are
        Born
              Only
To
                     ­ Die
                         Maybe
                                 Today,
Maybe
         *Tomorrow

Writing gave me something to believe in; something to hold on to.
It gave me a purpose, when I thought there was nothing left.
It took me to unimaginable places, where I could see new adventures and new life surrounding every footstep in that direction, beautiful flowers crowding over my shoes, like it was a new rebirth for this journey.
Writing have me a mindset, one that I didn't see possible, it have me a mind that saw all colors of the world, everyday I didnt only see black and white, I saw colors flowing out of peoples mouths as they sang songs of broken hearts, I saw colors streaming down faces of greif and hate.
It gave me moments that were so cherishable, it couldn't be torn from my mind. Moments that only I could be apart of, it made me realize that; although I was alone, I was apart of something huge. Something so unspeakable, no one even knew it was there.
Writing have me sights of mountians with no end, it abled me to feel life through the trees, and to hear the words they spoke.
A pencil and paper gave me a world never thought possible.

If only to saw the real me, you wouldn't think I was beautiful. If you watched me undress you wouldn't be staring at me, you'd be looking at the cuts along my thighs. You wouldn't admire me, you'd just see through me or stare at me with pity.

Looking at you is like standing in an art museum starring at such a masterpiece. You are a work of art, from you're jawline to the tip of your fingers. You're eyes are this blue green color that remind me of the sea. People would call us sinners, ******* eachother with a simple stare. I can't help but to touch you, and I always crave to feel you're body touching mine. Crying the words I love you, while taking my hand in yours and kissing it softly is how I lost myself in you're voice. Following the sweet sound of the melodies you sing I wander off to dream.

I will never get tired of you calling me beautiful, or moving the hair from my face or the way you grab the back of my neck when you want to kiss me and hold me in place. I will never grow old of you saying Im adorable, or the way you smile at me when you think I'm not looking. I won't get bored of your dance moves or the way you sing. The way you laugh at my jokes even when they aren't funny, or the way you stare at me like you are searching for my soul. I will never grow tired of you

I asked him, "tell me your deepest secret."

"I don't have any secrets." He said

I told him that everyone has a secret or a lie bundled inside their chest.

He told me that no one has given me a reason to lie, or a secret to keep.

"Then I guess you must be perfect, because my soul is full of lies I've told. My heart is full of the secrets that have been left unspoken." I said.

"Can you tell me?"

This feeling is contagious
Spreading like wildfire
Burning everything in its way
Its not a sore nose, or a cough
Is a sickness deep in your heart
A constant aching pain
Like stubbing your toe
Its not a still beat,
Its just a loud throb
Aching for hands to hold
For arms to be carried in
And for eyes to linger at

Its like your sitting at a table
Then a handsome man walks up and sits down
You have a few drinks
And share a couple laughs
You get to know eachother,
You share old memories
And untold secrets,
Then a bell rings
And hes gone in a blink of an eye
Winking at the next girl
At the very next table.
You'll share a glance or two,
But after a couple minutes hes a little further down the line.

This world is crumbling down
And I'm left in the middle of the rubble.

In a tall field of yellow-green grass
Picking flowers from the roots
Putting them behind your ear,
And through your hair
Feeling the wind flow through our intertwined fingers,
The sun filling your dark brown eyes with golden specks
The dandelions dancing in the breeze
Your steady arms wrapped around my shivering body,
Promising me a safe harbor,
That maybe i am not forever alone
The sky forming clouds of gray
The blue slowly begins to fade,
A raindrop falls, and rolls down your cheek
Your smile spreads from eye to eye
Filling me with happiness and feeling alive
The sun is gone,
And your eyes are darker
Making me feel warmer
And as the rain continues to fall
I stand with you, hand in hand
Heart and soul
Poured out onto the wet field of yellow-green grass,
I realize now in this moment that i love you,
And i am prepared to have my life shattered into pieces when you leave,
But i will remember this memory.
Hand in hand,
In the yellow-green grass.

There are many things i am happy to forget,
To wipe away
To a clean slate.
A new year,
A new beginning.
The start of something new
Compared to something old.
The lost soul,
Brought to be found again.
Light comes
And darkness fades.
A new year,
Is a new start,
A fresh place,
Happiness may come
To bring sorrowed pain.
Its a new chapter,
A different page.
You are the creator of your own story,
Walk your own path
A new road,
Twist and turns
Blurred lines
Shadowed trees.
Its a new year,
A new beginning
This is your choice,
Only you can decide.

Watching you
Watch me
Craving for you
To just touch me
Feel my warmth
On my thigh
Tell me
Not to cry
Hold me close
And squeeze me tight
Tell me everything
Will be alright
Grab my hand
And dance with me
Tell me
Of your dream
Kiss my neck
And whisper in my ear
Tell me there is nothing
Left to fear
Touch my scars
And kiss them softly
Tell me how
You love the sweet
Smell of black coffee
Sleep with me
And hold me lightly
My heart is delicate
Tell me how
My voice is angelic
Make me smile
And make me cry
My heart is yours
And yours is mine
I'm watching you
Watch me

It's 3am and the moon is casting a shadow across your face, for some reason I can't sleep, but you've been gone for hours. Wrapped around my body like a prison.

It's 4am and I can't stop thinking about the stars and how they light up all this darkness in our lives.

It's 5am and the clouds are starting to get lighter, the sun is peeking trying to escape the darkness. The blinds are shut but mind eyes are bloodshot and open, starring into the nothingness but these four walls.

It's 6am and I can hear the birds singing in the trees. The Suns almost out and I can't feel my feet.

It's 7am and it's shining through the blinds, your eyes are awakening as mine are watery, and tears are falling down my cheekes.

It's 8am and the pain has subsided and my mind drifts slowly to nothing and my eyes are shut. But I hear you whisper good morning.

And it's the same again, repetitive nights and mornings.

I need your love
Like I need the pills
My doctor prescribes me
I need all your kisses
Like I need the air in my lungs
I need your body
Like I need the heart in my chest
I need your mind
Like I need the feel of writing
To let my thoughts escape
I need your voice
Like I need the stars in the sky
And the sun and then moon
I need your eyes
Like I need you.

From the moment i met you
I knew that if i touched you
You would shatter me
To broken glass
And i didn't want to cut you
So i kept my distance
And ended up
Only cutting myself

If I told you I loved you,
What would you say?
Would you love me too,
Or walk away?

My head is in my hands
And my arms are shaking
My voice is cracking
There's tears streaming down my face
Falling onto my shirt
And your starring at me
With wide brown eyes
Trying to lift my head
To see if I'm ok.
You look at me in pain
And I can't even say your name
Your watching me wipe my tears
And your whispering how you love me
Even though you watched me cry
Looking at me while I'm in my most vulnerable state.
You just stare
With wide eyes and your hand gripping my right thigh.
I tell you I'm fine and you believe it,
Only for a moment in time, until you regret it.

I got lost one day,
Lost in my own head.
It was full of old memories, and stories.
Like walking down memory lane,
Watching smile after smile pass.
I saw a memory when i was little laughing and playing with the flowers.
Being a child, not a care in the world, no pain on my shoulder, no sadness on my face, just a child. Laughing and smelling the roses.
Then i saw myself and i was sitting on the edge of a grave stone,
Pulling on a cigarette.
I looked older less like myself,
Like grief has aged me in places that took away my youth.
I walked a little closer and saw that i was sitting on my own grave,
Taking one last drag of my cigarette.

You are a balloon, swaying away in a ******* hurricane.

Brisk early morning

The sun barely shining

Birds are cherping

Trees are singing

The moon still gleaming

Cigarette still burning

Lungs slowly dying

Life is ending

Sadness is killing

Time is nothing

And death is pleasuring

You fail to see the beauty inside you, you can't see the person I'm staring at.
I am screaming at you and you can't even hear me. I am begging for you to just look in the mirror and see what I see.
I see a man, with curly brown almost black hair. A dimple on each cheek, and misplaced freckles that make your face like a painting from van gough.
I see the poems thought up inside your head, just not being able to write them down because you don't want the criticism.
I see a ten year old boy, living with his best friend at the time cause his mom was an addict and his dad was a drunk.
I see a boy with sad eyes crying because he doesn't feel loved from the world surrounding him.
I see a boy yelling and cursing at his parents for bringing him into this unfaithful world, crying out for attention that he thinks he doesn't deserve.
But now,
I see a man who is stronger than his demons.

It's just a blank slate, take it and run my dear.


Because these only come once in a lifetime,


make no mistake. This is your blank slate.

I think my heart is starting to decay without you.

I did the thing I'm not supposed to do again
He said he'd leave if I did it again
Well I did it again
And maybe he won't find out again
But he will leave again
He'll find another lame excuse to leave again
I'm falling apart again
Thrown on the floor again
Breaking down again
I'm drowning again
Please don't leave me again
I can't take this again
He's gone again

Dear Trevor Matthew May,

One day far from now, you'll look back on this. You might read it once and shove it in the top right drawer of your desk, or you might re-read every single line till you have it memorized. Maybe you'll take a quick glance at it and blur all the words together to make just one black shadow on the paper. At least it will make you think of me...

Once i told you, that the moon makes me think of you. I remember when i thought that. I was sitting on my back porch smoking a cigarette with Lewis Watson "sink or swim" playing in the background. Which we decided that was our song. The moon was just a sliver through the evergreen trees. And thats how i saw you. Even the slightest part of you was so bright that it shined through evergreen trees and warmed my cold heart. Your heat has spread through me like wildfire and there's not much ice left in my body.

I know that your sneezes come in pairs, when one comes, there's always another. I know that you crinkle your nose every few minutes and that your mouth twitches into a small curve when i whisper your name. I know where your sensitive spot is, right below your belt. I glide my hand along your happy trail and your body wriggles and squirms then you burst out in laughter as i hold your face a kiss you till your still.

I used to think that life was this huge ball made of glass that i could throw at the wall and watch it shatter. I used to think that it was all pointless and that nothing lasted forever and it would soon be over. I remember holding death in the palm of my hand. Just a few simple pills that could end everything. As they were starring back at me i realized i couldn't leave, not just yet. I needed to stay, not for myself but for the people around me. I thought that maybe no one would care if i was gone, and maybe they still wont. But i couldn't take the risk. People say suicide is selfish but people don't understand the thoughts running through a suicidal persons mind.

Your eyes are brown with hidden specks of gold flakes in them, they shine golden on a sunny day with the lights just right. I think i fell in love with your eyes because theres this quote from a book that i hold dearly to my heart, "as dawn goes down today, nothing gold can stay." Your eyes remind me of that because some days your eyes are gold and others they're this dark gloomy brown thats warm and comforting. Nothing golden can stay just like the flakes in your eyes or the sun, it always dies for the moon.

I saw you in a crowded room full of people everyday for a year. Sitting in the same classroom, barely knowing each other. I saw your curly brown hair and your smile when you laughed, i noticed the way you move your hands and the way your eyes shifted to mine, everyday i saw you, barely able to say your name. Anxiety was a prison back then, who would have known you would be the one that i fell in love with.

There are moments when i doubt that you love me, there are times when i feel to ahead of myself and i know I'm not ready. But there's never a dull moment with you, its always something and thats when i know i love you. I remember the first time we "tried" to make love to one another. It was a complete disaster, we laughed and giggled at the way out bodies lined up, and your chin hit my forehead and then you'd kiss it to make it feel better, or when we would laugh so hard our belly ached we we kissed and our lips made the **** like sound.

But i remember the time we did make love, i could feel you, every single part of you. Buried deep inside me, i felt you. I felt us, just one being, one person. I remember crying afterwards because im emotional and i cant handle big things or change. I remember you whispering in my ear, "this will be your real first time". And in that moment i knew, you would be the one to break me. With all your love and all your heart, it would shatter me to pieces in one soft moment.

Theres gonna be times when I'm sad and i don't know why, there will be times when i just want to cry myself to sleep. Its this chemical in my brain that make me sad, its just an unbalanced chemical.  Im sorry that i cant always be happy. I wont always be the person you want me to be, and for that i am deeply sorry. I want to be the one that will always make you happy, but sometimes i just cant.  I promise you that i will always try my hardest. I will try to make you happy and show you how much i love you, i will try to show you that you are the one.

Love,

Rachael

Break me free, from this prison you have kept me in.
Let me go, spread my wings so I can breathe again.
I need air in my lungs and grass under my feet.
Take me away from these gray walls and concrete.
there are bars along the walls and you come to say hello,
You bring a red rose.
I know your trying to show me love,
But I am grey.
Your red rose is white in my eyes.

I lost myself
In you
Losing all of me
To become
Only a small part of
You
Lost in the ocean
Lost in the trees
Lost in the desert
Lost in the seas
I found my way
To a better
Place
With lost souls
And lost dreams
I lost myself
In losing you

Lust is such a word describing love while takes away the sappy romance story and straight down to the *******.

She smelled of old books and great stories
If you looked upon her you could see all the lives she lived through in all the pages she read
Like the ink left the paper and found a home within her skin
She was a walking novel with hidden stories living inside her head
When she spoke the world grew silent just to hear the untold words she held tightly within
As if her words were oxygen and without them no one could breathe
Her eyes the color of stormy skies
If you looked close enough the black in her eyes was an endless void, a doorway to the world she hid inside.

I watched the moon tonight
Thinking of you
The sparkle in your eyes
Your hopeless romantic
Ways and your sweet sense of laughter
Loving you has been such a pleasure baby
I'll be lovin you forever
Till the moon dies
And the sparkle in your eyes

I thought you were the one who was going to stand by my side through our lifetime. I thought you'd always hold me late at night when the demons came. I thought you would laugh when I said something funny. Now we barely speak and your holding her at night instead of me. Your walking through life holding her hand instead of mine. How am I supposed to breathe now when your not breathing with me.

Inside my body, its dark; almost black.

But everytime we kiss, I can feel the

colors of your mouth spilling inside

my dull black heart. Changing my

insides drop by drop, and when every

part of my insides are colorful again.

You will leave, just like all the others.

And my insides will be black, all over

again.

I see you in my nightmares
Every Time I close my eyes to sleep
I wake with your face imprinted on my eyelids
Awoken with sweaty palms and fear in my throat

He looked at me with eyes full of hope, waiting for something. A word, a sentence, anything.
He watched the way my hands were shaking and I saw his happiness slowly fade away. He could see the fear in my eyes, watching the way my chest was rising and falling like the ocean waves. I let out a sigh and said no. I think I could hear the buildings drop inside is chest. The volcanoes erupting in his head. And the earth blown to a million pieces before his feet. I saw the life fade away from his face.

I ripped out my heart
And served it for you on a silver platter
You said, "dont worry baby, it wont shatter."
You put it on the top shelf of the wooden glass case
You told me it was the safest place.

What you failed to mention was that
You got angry,
And your vision got blurry.
You threw me against the glass
Making it crash
Against the hard wood floors
Each piece breaking and shattering

You pinned me against the wooden case holding my arms together tightly out of your reach,
Grabbing my shoulders, you slammed me again, easing your voice to a deep scream.
And as my still beating heart dropped to the floor
You picked it up with deft fingerings and starting picking away the pieces of shattered glass
Making your fingers bleed

You slid the glass against my skin causing small cuts where your hands should have been
Raising your fists in the air holding in your defending scream
You released me
As i caught air, i ran
For the door

And you pushed me making me squirm against the floor
Still grabbing the handle
Twisting and turning trying to escape
You picked up my heart
And threw it at my face

It was broken, torn up to shreds
And you left me.
Holding onto the handle, dead.

Twisted lights
Dark orange glow
Street lamps
Glinted sparkles on the snow
Signs painted red
Starlight
Dancing in your head
Rain drops
Thunderstorms and lightening
Graffiti walls
Spray painted blue
Ocean colored sky
Clouds full of rain
Cigarette burns
And white filters
Black lungs
Dark souled hearts
Knife splits
And bandaged ribs
Blood stains
And rope
Handfuls of white colored pills
Blankets full of hope
Covered with dried tears
Of crying pain
Leaking from
Your eyes that constantly drain
One more pill swallowed down
Your throat
All that's left
Is twisted lights
Dark orange glow
Street lamps
And glinted sparking snow

I fell in love with shadows that creep in and out of the dark
And it made me feel so hollow inside of my lonely heart

I know this world is shaking
But I'm on my knees
I'm Begging you please
To stay with me

Stay with me
Until I fall asleep
Kiss my under the covers
Watch me as I drift of to slumber
I know we're Second hand lovers
Hold my hand in my dreams
Tell me this is not what is seems

I've been staying up late
so Late I can't see your face I've been breaking down
So much I can't hear a sound

I want to trace your scars with my fingertips
Making them shake
I don't want this to end in a heartbreak
Let me feel your scars upon my skin
Make them mine
So I can heal you instead

I've got an ache in my heart
But I've never been scared of the dark
I've tried jumping to my death
And Laying on a train track unable to catch my breath
Seeing the sun set in the distance
Waiting there until midnight just to question my very existence
These walls are colored in red
Blood dripping from my leg
There's a gun on the table
And my body is pretty unstable
The barrel is cold on my temple
With its soft chill of metal
Pressed against my skin
A bullet clicks in
I pull the trigger
Letting go of my finger
The lights go out
It's time to start over right now

My heart is ******* broken
I have been torn wide open
I am breaking apart piece by piece
Just like each falling leaf
I was left in the abyss
Without a single kiss
You stole away my sanity
Now im left with futility
Im in love with danger
Because life couldn't be stranger.

I want to be the reason you can't sleep at night. Looking at the ceiling fan wondering why I came into your life. Watching the moon grow in size thinking about the way I walk towards you, the features in my face when I lean into kiss you. I want you to ponder in your thoughts about touching me in places no man can touch but you.