I crave the attention but I won't admit it

Its Christmas Eve,
My mom is screaming
My dad is loving
My family has come
Only to judge
They say we love you
But under their small breaths they whisper
"Because i have to"
They wont except our differences
My mom shouts
The alcohol a little to strong
She weeps
The tears fall on my shirt
Telling me Christmas is ruined
Shes drunk all the time now
Crying a little to loud,
A little too much.
She tells me shes sad,
The sadness consumes her body,
Maybe its spreading,
And i think im catching.
Christmas is ruined
Family means nothing
Being together just isn't important
Maybe life will end soon
And peace will return again.
Am i the problem?
Are you the solution?
Christmas is ruined.

I ripped out my heart
And served it for you on a silver platter
You said, "dont worry baby, it wont shatter."
You put it on the top shelf of the wooden glass case
You told me it was the safest place.

What you failed to mention was that
You got angry,
And your vision got blurry.
You threw me against the glass
Making it crash
Against the hard wood floors
Each piece breaking and shattering

You pinned me against the wooden case holding my arms together tightly out of your reach,
Grabbing my shoulders, you slammed me again, easing your voice to a deep scream.
And as my still beating heart dropped to the floor
You picked it up with deft fingerings and starting picking away the pieces of shattered glass
Making your fingers bleed

You slid the glass against my skin causing small cuts where your hands should have been
Raising your fists in the air holding in your defending scream
You released me
As i caught air, i ran
For the door

And you pushed me making me squirm against the floor
Still grabbing the handle
Twisting and turning trying to escape
You picked up my heart
And threw it at my face

It was broken, torn up to shreds
And you left me.
Holding onto the handle, dead.

As the night carries on
And the beautiful laughter comes to an end
The people who once filled my hearts with joy
Only fill my head with emptyness
The flowers that once grew
Are dead
And as I lay in my bed
Close my ears
Shut my eyes,
I cry
To another sleepless night.

I was born for leaving,
Not staying stationary for months at a time,
I need to keep going
Keep running
I need the air on my face telling me to go further
I need the rush of life that i get when i know im leaving everything behind.
Theres no turning back anymore
Its just a straight road whispering in my ear telling me that greater things are ahead of me but i have to keep pushing,
I dont know where im going
Or where im headed
But im almost there.

Her name is an oceans wave
Or a tree that creaks when it sways in the wind
Its the church bells chimming together in sweet harmony from a distance
Its the singing songs of wildlife in the depths of the unknown forests

Shes a girl with brown eyes with golden specks.
Long brown hair always kept straight at the ends.
A body that everyone dreams of having, when you see her you can hear the crowd catch thier breath as she walks into the room.
All eyes on her.

She has the voice of the lullabys your mother sang to you when you were five.
She has healing hands, just as Snow White she makes everything come alive
Each footstep she takes you can see the grass grow greener and the flowers turn colors rather than black and white.

She makes sunsets look like rainstorms, and mountians look like hills.
She has laughters filled with grief and sorrow printed across her teeth.
She has this blue cloud radiating from her body, you can feel her when shes not even touching you.

Her cries are filled with dread, all the thoughts that swarm her head. Death seemed like a way out, but she couldn't bear the pain of her mother at her funeral.
Her grandparents died in the beginning of sixth grade, she said to me that one day they will come knocking on the front door saying they had a lovely trip.
She sees them in the butterflies that fly and the trees that spoke. She sees them in herself.

She has cuts on her arms and three on her thigh, i remember asking her why.
I graze them every now and then, but she doesnt seem to notice, my heart burns and breaks each time i see them.
She has eyes that sparkle but heavy bags that show her pain.
I never got an answer to my question why, just a shy smile and shake if her head.
Shes always been mysterious, never speaking the whole truth. But never confessing to a lie

She is beauty in a sunrise and she is beauty in a thunderstorm.

I used to hide my scars, forever ashamed by the marks covering my skin. From my wrists to my thighs, fading little white lines. Starring at them now like my skin is a piece of paper waiting for an author to mark me with his words. I don’t hide my scars anymore, for they have created a place to write poetry.

Sometimes I think I can see your name written in the stars
Spelling the sound of your voice
That lingers in my mind
Stars align just perfectly enough to tell me that your still here
When a gust of wind brushes the hair out of my face
I can feel that it's you trying to tuck loose strands of hair behind my ear
Everytime it rains the drops on my windowsill play the melody of your favorite songs
I said goodbye to you when they buried you deep under the earth
With the dirt and all the flowers
But you never said goodbye to me
Instead you said I'll be there soon

I crave you,
Your like an addiction
Like a pack of cigarettes
A small blue pill
A shot of Alcohol
You've crawled your way under my skin
You've dug a hole deep into my heart
Making it ache when your not touching me
Making it break when your not holding me
You've made my lungs squeeze for air when you grab my hair
You've made my insides burst with fire when you say my name
You've made my blood race through my body like an ocean wave
I crave you
Your like an addiction

He has this way about him, he flows like the river and sings like the ocean waves crashing into the sand on a winter morning at the beach
He laughs in colors that bloom flowers like it's always spring and he walks with such elegance that each step he takes is a new breath of life if he's walking in your direction. He speaks in sounds of church bells ringing in your ears with sweet songs of the universe. He was born from the cosmos shining like stars in a midnight sky. He puts the world to shame, when he says my name in the hushed silence of a nervous mess. He speaks softly but his words hold such power that you could believe anything coming out of his mouth.

I was the type of person
To grasp onto things to tight
The kind of girl who never told her secrets
And kept her mouth shut
So pain couldn't seep into her crevices
Unable to release my grip
Even when it didn't seem right
My fingertips would ache
But I thought it was worth the pain
I used to overthink everything
That if I lost something
I would lose pieces of myself
Then suddenly I would become someone
My heart didn't even recognize
When I lost myself upon the sea
I thought the ocean would slowly drown me
Instead, just like an angle gets its wings
I started to lift
From under the deep ocean floor
I rose from the dead outside my grave
And although the walls were caving in
I started to breathe again
When all is lost, I thought I was the girl who couldn't find her voice
Who was to afraid and full of fear
To tell you her deepest regrets.
I have come to realize
That she was me,
But I am filled with life
Still holding on a little to tight.

I fell in love with shadows that creep in and out of the dark
And it made me feel so hollow inside of my lonely heart

I know this world is shaking
But I'm on my knees
I'm Begging you please
To stay with me

Stay with me
Until I fall asleep
Kiss my under the covers
Watch me as I drift of to slumber
I know we're Second hand lovers
Hold my hand in my dreams
Tell me this is not what is seems

I've been staying up late
so Late I can't see your face I've been breaking down
So much I can't hear a sound

I want to trace your scars with my fingertips
Making them shake
I don't want this to end in a heartbreak
Let me feel your scars upon my skin
Make them mine
So I can heal you instead

I've got an ache in my heart
But I've never been scared of the dark
I've tried jumping to my death
And Laying on a train track unable to catch my breath
Seeing the sun set in the distance
Waiting there until midnight just to question my very existence
These walls are colored in red
Blood dripping from my leg
There's a gun on the table
And my body is pretty unstable
The barrel is cold on my temple
With its soft chill of metal
Pressed against my skin
A bullet clicks in
I pull the trigger
Letting go of my finger
The lights go out
It's time to start over right now

Live the full life of the mind,
Fascinated by new thoughts
Your soul longs to find.
Intoxicated by the strange,
Find comfort in the unfamiliar
Get lost purposely in places that
No one knows your name.

My heart is ******* broken
I have been torn wide open
I am breaking apart piece by piece
Just like each falling leaf
I was left in the abyss
Without a single kiss
You stole away my sanity
Now im left with futility
Im in love with danger
Because life couldn't be stranger.

I was in love with a boy, who just couldn't handle being in love with me

Meet me at the river, so I can kiss my poetry into you're mouth. And whisper poems down you're neck to send shivers up your spine. Lay naked with me on rocks in moonlight so you can see just my naked silhouette. This way you make love to my darkness, so you can love me in daylight. I will kiss your fingertips one by one telling you all the things I've come to love. Just stare into my eyes until see yourself only smaller and upside down, tell me about it when it happens so we can giggle and I can fall in love with your laugh again. Hold my hand as we run and jump into the river in the dead of night just the two of us swimming and dancing under the stars surrounded by water. Gaze at the stars and point out all your favorite constellations and I'll show you mine. Meet me there, down by the river so I can give you me.

They fell in love with the thought of being in love

She has lived her whole life saying she wants to be a Poet. But inside her, all she is searching for is to be someone elese's poetry.

I'm afraid of not being enough
Of laughing to loudly at corny jokes
Of reeking to much of the cigarettes I smoke

I'm afraid of not smiling as much
Of crying and black tears staining your sheets
Of giving you everything

I'm afraid of a broken heart
Of never being able to put back the pieces
Of lying helpless on your chest unable to speak cause my lungs have finally collapsed

I'm afraid of that spark I feel when your lips are on mine
Of that sudden electricity running through my spine
Of all the butterflies in my stomach turning to spiders

I'm afraid of loving you
But I'm tired of being afraid

Weeping willow trees
Surround the grass beneath my feet
Sun rays
Blind my eyes with a soft haze
White Dandelions dancing
Cover the pain of suffering
Carved writings
Remind my head of past memories
Under the falling leaves
Words spill out of my eyes
Onto the book of lies
Thoughts of death
Contained by the strive of full filling life
Everything is ethereal

He was a sunday evening sunset
He was the song of early morning birds
He was the light shining through windows in morning hush
He was the breath taking moments of life

&

I was the pooring rain on a friday night
I was the hushed tones of voices that carried throught darkness
I was the ocean with its constant crashing waves
I was the horrible scream of silence surrounded by a crowded room

His life was to beautiful to love a sad dark world like mine.

I am greedy in my self-loathing
And euphoric in my bliss

I am a half empty half full
Glass of bad habits

I stand until my knees give out
Because it all hurts until it doesn’t

And then, it hurts some more

Everything that exists in our universe,
Whether it can be seen or unseen,
Consists of pure energy.
All matter, even our thoughts and emotions have their own vibrational frequency.
Our subconscious thoughts are inseparably connected to the rest of the universe.
As our conscious mind dwells habitually on a thought or idea, they become imbedded within the subconscious mind.
They form into the dominant vibration and it resonates with similar vibrations drawing them into our lives.
The whole universe is mind

I'm stuck somewhere between hopless romantic and cold-hearted cynic.

Life is full of sad stories
And painful memories
It's also filled with laughter
And beautiful people to share the moments you adore most with
But its a dark world out there with thunderstorms that dont stop
And disasters that never cease
However, there are rays of light
That i call hope,
You have to hold onto that hope,
That it will all get better
Or you will have nothing at all,
You'll just stare blankly at things watching, waiting for a change.
*But you are the change.
You are the hope.

I am far past my breaking point
Loving wasn't made for me
And life isn't what I thought it would be
Flowers die when I walk by
And trees loose their leaves
I am far past my breaking point
Mountains are a danger to my heart
Calling my name so I can step my foot off the ledge
Bridges are burning and I crave the jump into the ocean and let the water swallow my soul
Confinement seems like heaven so no one will share my sickness
Death is glimpse of hope through my grey colored eyes
I am far past my breaking point
Losing grip from my rope that has anchored me down for times on end
Crying is a constant and screaming in a definite
Cigarettes burns in my jeans and holes through my lungs is okay with me
I've come to love my darkness and be okay with my sadness
Because I am far past my breaking point

She walks with elegance
And speaks songs of silence

She was every star that lit up the night sky
She was the grass that grew over feilds of green
She was the moon that brightened the darkest hour
She was the rivers flowing over rocks like nothing touched them
She was the trees growing upon the forest
She was the ocean tides changing with time
She was the soul of a tiger with a heart full of fear and love
She was the love that filled the morning air

She will be in our hearts forever till death takes us over and brings us back to her.

Theres a nice saying, "pain demands to be felt"
But what is pain?
is it when your heart gets shattered into pieces of broken glass?
or is it when someone you love leaves you?
I think that theres many ways to feel pain.
but god, oh god, how are we supposed to deal with this pain?
it eats us from the inside out till were nothing but bones in a coffin.
it tears us apart piece by piece.
it chokes us till we cant stand up straight, till we cant breathe.
it drowns us with sorrow till we're blue.
it brings us to the floor begging on our hands and knees to make it stop.
However, that the thing about pain, it demands to be felt, because if you're not experiencing pain, then what are you experiencing?
Nothing.
pain will change you into a person you never thought you could be,
it will transform you to this sad dark person,
who plods there feet everywhere they walk,
who bows there head in a crowd of smiling faces,
and this pain you're feeling,
this pain you're experiencing,
it will destroy you.

She looks at herself in the mirror,
Examining her face and aging wrinkles
Her eyes turn towards me, i know she hates what she sees.
She watches herself in the mirror tears swelling in her eyes.
She shifts to the left and grabs her razor,
Slitting her throat and screaming.
why is there blood streaming down my neck
I glance in the mirror
She's me, dying in the bathroom with a cut just below her jawline
The walls are going dark and all I see is red.

I see you in the petals that drop, singing he loves me. He loves me not.

I was born from the trees
My roots grow for miles
I am a child of the sun
And i live be the moon
My friends are flowers
And i blossom with colors
I will grow throughout my life
And i will die amung the trees
They will cut me down like i was dead,
They will harm my flower friends
They will destroy my roots
And take away my sun, my moon
But i will still be here,
My leaves flowing through the wind
I will plant my seeds and grow again.

Theres this tree beside my old house that we used to live in when my parents were still together, occasionally I drive by, park my car, and stare at the tree that holds so many memories.
I remember climbing the branches higher and higher till my mother screamed from the porch telling me I would fall if I got any higher, ignoring my mother I climbed a few branches higher, listening to the wind sing and the birds harmonize in a beautiful melody, I remember feeling on top of the world, that sensation that I could be anything.
A five year old girl, with curly blonde hair and green eyes dreaming of the world as a huge place that she couldn't get each of her feet on every inch of the earth, it was a scary thought at the time, but peeking out of the branches she always saw a light, maybe it was the sun, but I saw it as hope. That one day the world  won't seem so big anymore, that i'd be able to swim the oceans and hike the mountains.
I'm sixteen now, watching this tree full of memories. Tears form in the sockets of my eyes. Because now I realize that the world is just a little too small, its overwhelming. There are billions of people in this world, and I'm just one. Tears stream down my face, wetting my cheeks, and I can't contain the animal caged inside me, so I release the beast. Bursting into a sob, I see a girl, with blonde curly hair climbing the branches on the tree of memories, her mother yelling from the front porch, telling her to climb down before she gets hurt. Her green eyes lock mine for a second, and she climbs higher, smiling as the sky fills her heart.

I thought I was over it, I thought I was finally okay again. Then all of the sudden it's like the night it all happened hits me in the chest and knocks me off my feet. Losing my ground and the air in my lungs, I forgot how to breathe. And I'm sitting in my room as I try to write this down, and I know it isn't good enough. Everything seems wrong to say and all the words are making me drown. I want this world to end, but just for me, I want to see all the life in everyone else's eyes except mine. I don't deserve this world, it was never mine to deserve. And now that I'm staring at this screen trying to make all these words make sense. Maybe I'm trying to say goodbye, or hello for the first time. I haven't made up my mind yet. But I guess what's happening is that all this pain is built up inside my heart and I wake up to realize that it's never going away, I thought I was okay but I'm such a liar.

These walls are caving in
My breathe has become so weak
These life isn't mine to keep
Let me go
Please
I just want to sleep
If you leave me
I will die
Every inch of my body will decay
All of you will pray
To my dead body
Rotting deep under the trees
I asked you to stay
Won't you please?

You are so stupid
You are so selfish
You are worthless
You are hopeless
And these people are screaming at me
Watching every tear fall
Wishing they actually cared at all
All these people screaming
And they are all
Me.
I'm tearing myself apart
Every corner of my heart
I'm falling
While everyone is calling
My name begging me to stay
But God, oh god I just want to go away
This life is worthless for me
They won't even miss me
Maybe if I left a note
Just to tell them why
Tell them about all the tears I've cried
Now I'm finally saying goodbye.

I can feel the words coming out of my mouth grasping towards freedom, but my mouth is open letting the words free and no sound will come out.
Its as if i am so afraid, i cant even voice my opinion. I cant even tell you how i feel. I am so terrified of the reaction i would recieve that i cant even talk to you. I might throw up, my hands are trembling with anticipation.
Then it happens, the words spew out of my mouth dropping like bombs and all i hear is a ringing noise from an explosion.
I cant even stand to look at you, knowing that when i do, your eyes will touch mine for a split second and shame me for what i have done. That dissapointed look will tear me to shreads.
I want you to know that i am sorry. But what's done is done, and nothing can be undone, you cant change life even of you wanted. You cant snap your fingers or wave a magic wand and everything be gone in the blink of an eye. So we should learn to deal with our mistakes.
Because our mistakes make us who we are, even if we dont realize that today, we will someday. They dont define us as a person, but they make us who we are because we learn from them, we change.
Thats all life is, full of mistakes.
Live with it,
Because i will live with mine.

You are a lingering pain in my heart
That aches with each step I take
Trying to escape you is pointless
Your everywhere but then your nowhere
Sometimes I believe you've finally left my head,
But I always forget I gave you a key, though you never bother to lock the door anyways,
You sneak in with quiet footsteps, I barely register that you're even there
Then memories swarm my thoughts like a cloud of moths.
You are a throb on the right side of my head.
Every waking moment I still hear your heavy breaths
Which turn my days into headaches.
You remind me of the time I broke my cheekbone, a bone that cannot be fixed, a bone that will always be broken.
You pour out of my mouth everyday saying things I don't mean, to people I care about.
Somehow you ruined me.
And I can't seem to ruin you.

What is it that you fear so much that you have to burry it away into the darkness of the unconscious?

I keep typing in this stupid little box trying to think of something clever to say. Anything really, something that might rhyme, it might not. I keep typing in this little box trying to tell you how sad I am and how all these thoughts are tearing at my chest trying to break free out of my heart and my head. I keep typing in this little box trying to say that winter is coming soon, the saddest part of the year. I keep trying to tell you how I don't find sunsets beautiful anymore, I find them fake. I don't wish upon fountains anymore or shooting stats for that matter. I can't believe in a wish anymore. I'm not sure why, maybe because everyone lies. I keep trying to say how I hate roses because they remind me of death and how I hate the way my face looks in the mirror. But nothing seems to come out the way I want it to.

Tears are falling from my eyes though it feels I am crying boulders when each step I take is walking into a crater full of hate.
Cigarette between my teeth rotting my lungs and staining my teeth, filling me with smoke I breathe out air full of lies.
Pieces of my heart dropping from my heart as an angel drops from heaven when it loses its wings.
Demons in my head screaming out for attention but everybody is dead. Dreadful cries spreading through souls like wildfire, lighting flames to all the world.

Your face turned black
And your eyes were brown
Your skin wasn't your skin
And the ink that marked you was never there before
And you above me,
Looking down on me, dominating me
And your hair is buzzed when it should have been thick and curly.
I know who this monster is that formed over your skin.
I know it's not you, I know it's my mind telling me that this is not right.
I ask you to stop because I'm going to be sick.
You stop.
He didn't.
Running to the bathroom and slamming the door colapsing naked on the floor.
Hanging my head over the toilet the tears begin to form.
Then the suffocating feeling in the deepest part of my heart starts.
And the dry heaving begins, my eyes blur with sweet salty tears and everything goes black
My hearing is muffled like my body is submerged under the sea.
My head starts to ring
And my mouth starts to sob and scream.
My body shakes and I feel her hands on my shoulders pulling me into an embrace, waking me out of my trance she looks at me with tears and her eyes.
Grabbing all the life I had she pushed me into reality.
Telling me it's not time to go yet.
A fallen angel was right under my nose yet I couldn't see it.
But you didn't even check to see if I was still breathing.

These dark waters crowd the minds of soulless lovers buried deep in the ocean sea. Where love is breaking like ocean waves. Lovers stand in these dark waters, bringing knifes to there chests and dark waters turn red.

Im not here anymore,
My mind is lost
My heart is gone
Im searching to find my soul
Everyone has left me
And i am alone
There is no hope
There is no sain
Everyone is painless
Or filled with emptyness
I am emotionless
No grief
No sorrow
There's no happiness ethier
Its just another face
Another place.

Please don't rip your heart out trying to save mine.