camera around my neck
tears in my eyes
a lump in my throat
a pen in my hand
notebook in my lap
glasses on face
ponytail in my hair
headphones around my head
and yet, you are still on my mind.

(a.b)

i scroll through
the symptoms;
the signs once more
finally screen-shotting them
only so i do not have to keep
looking and re-looking
them up

i rummage through the very
personal box of writings
hidden under my bed
i find the paper
with the heading of:
How I See Me, How I Am
following the undepthed title
is a list of short, spiked written words,
words that, all though so very short, mean so much
and ache even worse

down to the bottom of the list my finger skims
my eyes scattered throughout the words
and my tears scarring the paper
finally at the the bottom
i grab the pen and finish the list
with one simple word

depressed

(a.b)

tonight i will replace
draining my blood
and the sight of the dark, intriguing, red liquid,
being wrenched from my body with the familiar of wine.
I've never been one to like the taste,
so **** and untastful,
but it's as if my taste buds have changed and the recipe was switched fore I've never tasted anything sweeter.

(a.b)

a ratty, mangled tooth brush and
two years of lost socks scattered throughout my house,
is what i am left with.

i go to bed alone.
i wake up alone.
i brush my teeth,
and there lies the toothbrush.
i can't get myself to toss it to the curb,
much like you did me.
i feel that the moment i do that
all hope is gone
and you'll never come back.
chances are,
you aren't coming back,
but i know the day i toss it is the day i not only lose you,
but i lose myself too.

your sock habits always made me giggle.
from holy socks to your moms floral, fuzzy socks,
you always left them everywhere.
we could be mid supper
and you would bend down to take them off.
i used to find it annoying,
constantly picking up smelly socks
in the weirdest of places,
but now when i find those socks
that i hadn't found before,
it brings me happiness.

i don't know if i will ever be able
to get rid of your toothbrush
or if i will ever find the last of your socks,
but i hope that i don't
because the day that happens
is the day i'm forced to say goodbye.

this is to my best of friends
the only one i could trust
and the only one a goodbye is a must.

i finally decided to do the deed
and i surely hope to succeed
im sorry to have to tell you this but a goodbye was of need.

ive been all too sad you see
and to me
i couldnt deal and im sure you are to disagree.

i hope you understand
and i know this isn't so very grand
but im sorry that i will no longer be able hold your hand
and tell you youll be okay to stand.

goodbye.

(a.b)

sometimes the sun shines
and others it glows,
it's hard to tell the difference
i guess nobody really knows.
we all love sunsets
and sunrises too,
but which we love more, we do not know
but i for sure know, that i do love you.

(a.b)

is what i think about
when im alone
in the dark
maybe its the darkness getting to my eyes, leading to my head that you have altered
or maybe its the way i can see your glowing smile in the light of the moon
fact over fiction tells me its the pain trapped in my heart
in every scenario, you are the cause of my never ending pain

(a.b)

craziness is the best way to describe it.

its like the building block for the upcoming dreadful emotions.

its as if your imagination knows something your heart and mind dont.

like its always a few steps or actions ahead from the rest of you.

you can hear voices from all different paths and you know one of those paths will lead you out of that before stage and back to the happyness but you also know the others will only pitchen in color and theyll close you in and there is no turning back to make the right choice.

but the part that is the craziest is i hear you voice louder then the rest.

its as if im going crazy.

it really is.

with the devils and demons and monsters pulling at the threads that hold me together trying to find that last strand.

but its almost as if someone or something is holding onto that last strand.

saving that last strand.

(a.b)

minutes before the bell was to ring,
i sat down in the seat that i sat in every other morning.
the one that was partially by the window and near you at the same time,
and the way the light reflected of your skin and into my eyes set the mood and made my day better just like that.
but, as the bell rang you were not to be found and so i sat and wondered where you were and when you'd come back.
and moments after those thoughts occured,
i remembered that you'll never mentally come back, because you called us quits.

(a.b)

as i sat and pondered about my future
our future
i became lost in the alternative outcomes
too busy daydreaming to realize what was really occurring

(a.b)

the moment i met you,
i just knew
we'd be much more
than acquaintances.
but from what id gathered,
i still had much in store.

the meeting of you
has changed my life
in the most dramatic point of view.

it seems,
still to this day,
that there was no middle man.
we went from strangers to best friends.
not a moment dull or grey.

but what still shocks me to have known
is that from then to now,
we have grown.
dont ask me how
for i never thought it possible
to have someone so close.
yet we seem to blow my
previous theories and thoughts away
each passing day.

(a.b)

someone once told me
"high school turns you into a monster"
but I don't believe that.
I believe high school is the time when the inner monsters living deep inside are finally pushed over the edge and forced to breath, see, and feel through the body it's been hibernating in.

(a.b)

I've woken up every morning
with bruised knees, swollen lips, and a picture of you burned into my skull. But never a memory explaining. I guess it's irony, because you left me, on the floor with bruised knees, swollen lips, and an unforgettable scene, without explaining.

(a.b)

you are two different people
whereas i am the stars.
you're always going back and forth between being the sun and the moon.
but whenever you are the sun i seem to fade away.
im still there, but its as if im invisible.  

(a.b)

one cut
two cut
three cut
four
cut until i am no more

five cut
six cut
seven cut
eight
starve until it looks like i never ate

nine cut
ten cut
eleven cut
twelve
grab the gun and turn to helve

thirteen cut
fourteen cut
fifteen cut
sixteen
i'm starting to forget all that i've seen

seventeen cut
eighteen cut
nineteen cut
twenty
i believe i have lived plenty

twenty-one cut
twenty-two cut
twenty-three cut
twenty-four
i am no more

(a.b)

here i sit
writing to you, my friend,
with my wrist slit.

ive finally done the deed
and a goodbye
is in much of need.

i didnt want to go
without a single goodbye
but i sat and pondered
as to who i should write to.

with the blood gushing
and thoughts slowing
your name came to mind
so now im writng and rushing.

i only have moments left
not that youd care
for you stole my heart in theft.

you had no intentions to give
it back without any wounds
so here i sit not wanting to live.

goodbye my old friend.

- a. m. b.

i will never forget,
always regret,
and wish we never met.
you were nothing but trouble,
and left nothing besides ruble.
you were always so mean,
and never wanted to be seen,
with me.
why didn't i see,
then, that you weren't any good?
i guess i never fully understood,
how much trouble you were, until now,
but i will no longer let you bring me down.

(a.b)

A shooting star is actually pronounced dead way before you see the shooting star
the shooting star is just the reminisce of the dead star
you see, a star will die but it's light will still shine for up to thousands of years due to the fact that light travels at a certain rate and it's so far away from our viewable perceptive
it's quite funny because it was the same way for me
I was dead but it took that final closure to realize it;

it took my physical death to realize my mental death.

(a.b)

the sun;
it rises
it lowers
and it has it's light stolen
from the moon.
of all of them
you'd never think it
to be
the moon
to do such a thing.
steal ones light
and takes it's fame
fore with the moon comes
sadness and there is more
sadness than there is joy.

(a.b)

i discovered my definition of love
much the way ben franklin did electricity;
it hit something so far up and it nearly killed me,
yet it was so bright and brilliant.

(a.b)

I can still feel the goose bumps lingering beneath my skin,
as well as the heat radiating from every place on my body you touched.

your voice is still clearly heard in my eardrums,
it's as if the sound never left.

a fragrance such as yours, so delightful and natural, still smothers my pillows and blankets,
I close my eyes late at night and feel as if you're there.

your lips, oh how i miss them, the taste of your lips entwined with my own was unforgettable,
yet I have somehow forgotten, it's been too long.

all of your features were a treat to any ones sight, but more so mine,
I saw your every detail as if it were a gift from god himself.

i love you, all of you.

(a.b)

love is nothing but a word
in this world of pain
that we're loving together
hopefully forever

pain is nothing but an obstacle
in this world of hate
that we're living together
hopefully forever

hate is just another spiteful action
in this world of death
that we're living together
hopefully forever

death is just a must
in this world of truth
we're living together
hopefully forever

truth is just another voice we choose to ignore
in this work of lies
that we're living together
hopefully forever

and in the end you realize
there was no forever
but only hope and love

(a.b)

earlier, i tried handing you a note, you rejected it.
this afternoon, i attempted a hug, but you pushed me away.
minutes ago, i said "goodbye" rather than my usual "goodnight, i love you.".
tomorrow, you'll realize, that was my suicide note, i wanted you to try one last time, and that was my final goodbye.

(a.b)

tonight, like every other night,
is filled with heartbreak,
of every variety.
the couple outside the bar is yelling and screaming over the music.
the love bugs, that have been together for months, are finally separating.
my heart has heard the note of an opera singer and has shattered that the way glass would.
the ocean currents have torn the school of fish apart.
another star has died and the moon sits quitly in a frown of a glow.
everything, that didn't break yesterday and that is supposed to break tomorrow, has broken tonight.

(a.b)

we all base the way we mature on self improvement.
i just wish that some people would realize that they were perfect the way they were.
because they honestly were perfect.

(a.b)

10:58 p.m.
i found out you had moved on

11:12 p.m.
i realized i hadn't

12:37 a.m.
she told me how you moved on and up her skirt

12:38 a.m.
the urges came

12:42 a.m.
i got sick to my stomach and threw up

12:50 a.m.
i called you

12:51 a.m.
you didn't answer

12:52 a.m.
i realized i had no one, no one at all

1:02 a.m.
the tears started

2:07 a.m.**
the urges took over

(a.b)

You can only say
hes different around me
So many times
Before you realize you're actually trying to persuade yourself.

(a.b)

i obviously love you more than toast,
because i love you the most.

i definitely love you more than a roast,
because i love you the most.

i surely love you more than the island coast,
because i love you the most.

id hate to boast,
but i love you the most.

(a.b)

as I watched you, drift away,
further and further away.
I realized that, one day
everything will be okay.

(a.b)

as i sit,
sit and wait
sit and think
sit and deprive myself of humanity,
which doesn't exist any longer,
i start to question why
why did all of this happen
why now
why me
but then i remembered,
i'm a **** up and thats why

(a.b)

hello?*
you promised me
you promised that youd be
everything i could ever need
but where are you now
now that im really scared
and i need you more then ever
i think that ive killed myself.

- a. m. b.

i've been driving
for quite some time
or miles, now

i'm not positive
if i'm metaforically speaking
or if it's reality i'm living

I could very possible
be driving to find happiness;
on the road to happily ever after
finding somewhere new and improved

or maybe i'm driving myself
in that i am pushing myself
to be the best i can be

but i am not all too sure
fore the fact that i am numb
and i can no longer feel emotion
except for the feeling of being lost

either way
i'm driving
i've been driving
and some things take time
but i'm still going and i won't stop
until i find what i am unsure of as of now

(a.b)

It just feels like the world is against me
As if my back is arched in the opposite direction of the wind
The suns rays are draining me of my color
My foot steps are all backwards
I can't seem to take a breath with out gasping for air
With every word I say comes a sigh of disgust
My life is full of disappointment and the world isn't making it any easier

(a.b)

rarely ever will you meet someone
who doesn't lack originality
or isn't a theif of personality,
fore even the moon takes over the suns light.

(a.b)

We expect too much, or maybe too little. In any case of the indecisive mind we should never have to expect someone to be there in a time of need for we all are in a constant time of need.

(a.b)

your mind is elsewhere
that i can detect.
your eyes are fluttering
and your voice is utterly low.
as well as your hands- visibly shaking.
on your mind
i do not know.
but as for me
i wish it to be.

(a.b)

tears stain my face,
a smile is placed on yours.

i'm beyond repair,
you don't even care.

i text you a message to tell you i still love you,
my contact is erased from your phone.

i'm lying in my bed, dying,
you're out with your friends not even crying

i need you so bad, more than ever before,
you just want me to go away.

i grab the medicine bottles,
you grab your phone.

i take all the pills left in the container,
you try your hardest not to call me.

i call you to tell you goodbye,
you forward the message, too afraid to answer.

i'm finally gone,
and you listened to the message too late.

(a.b)