she dreams of days she’ll never get back,
heartbreak that never happened to her,
feelings she’s never had,
and that she’s scared she never will.
there is a darkness to her thoughts
when she can understand them.
sometimes she thinks she’s less than she is
(but only on days she can tell her self-worth)
her mind has been sealed off to the public
for so long
she’s beginning to forget her own thoughts.
she remembers better days.
she remembers the days before.
she remembers a time that is not Now.
and to her
those days are inherently better.
she’s self-absorbed.
(a secret: we all are)
to her
this is a flaw.
when looking in the mirror,
to her,
almost everything is.
she is too ******* herself,
she thinks.
she wants to be better
to herself
to others—
just Better.
she thinks.
she tries hard.
she doesn’t try at all.
sometimes all she can manage is trying to try.
she fails.
sometimes it’s okay.
sometimes she’s okay.
(are you really sad if you laughed yesterday?)
she thinks. she thinks she thinks. she thinks.
she smiles a lot.
she cries a lot.
she imagines they cancel each other out.
she only completely understood what a metaphor was
when she was 14
even though she had been using them since she could remember.
she thinks that’s a metaphor for her life.
she doesn’t quite know what that means
but she thinks one day she will.
she thinks.