Written March 12, 2019
Happy Birthday, Daddy 💙
You always said on your birthday to look at the sky. If it was blue and the sun was shining, it meant that it wasn't going to snow and we were finally going to have spring. If it was otherwise, it would snow again before spring finally came. It always held true. Just like you always held true. Today we had bright blue skies and I know you might of had something to do with that. It'll be a year next month, since you've been gone. It doesn't feel like it. It still doesn't feel real. I feel like I can just call you and hear your sweet voice and laugh, but everytime I turn to do it, I remember. Nothing can prepare you for losing a parent. Nothing can prepare you for the time it takes for that hole to heal. I don't think that that hole ever will, because I was your babygirl. And I was a daddy's girl from the get go. Between fishing, to riding in the truck, to listening to nickelback so much I burnt you out on it, to just enjoying nature, listening to your jokes and stories (even if you had already told them before), going to you when I needed you most, helping you when you needed someone, just everything. And it hurts so much, it gets so hard sometimes. But I stay calm and work through it as best as I can because I know you are beside me through it all. I just wish I could talk to you again, see you again. I miss you so much. I love you. Happy birthday. 💙

Monday April 23, 2018

Today, God has taken someone very dear to me. He has made my father one of his many angels.

I never thought you would have gone this soon. It was weird..I was in class...didn't even know that you had already passed and yet, while people were giving their presentations, all i could think about was you. I started to write a letter to God. All I could write about was, why you. Why such a wonderful man? Why my rock, my foundation, the glue to our family? Why God had to take you? I knew you were suffering, I knew you had a hard life. But I also knew, you put us first. You cared for us until you couldn't any longer. You loved us, no matter our doings. I lost Nanna, your mother, three years ago. The docotrs gave you a year last January, but I didn't take it literal. I couldn't see you dying. I couldn't see the day that I wouldn't hear your laugh anymore, that I wouldn't feel your bear hug or hear your voice anymore. That I wouldn't hear the countless jokes and stories that you told over and over because you couldn't remember that you've already told them. I never thought that would come a day so soon. I never thought that that day would be today. I talked to you on the phone, asked you how you were, told you I loved you. I didn't think that that would be the last time that I would talk to you. That I would say those words to you. But alas, God had other plans for you. I know you aren't suffering anymore. I know you are happy and that you are with your mom, dad, grandma and grandpa. I just wish I could have been there to hug you one last time. To hear your laugh one last time. I love you and I'm going to miss the hell out of you. I still can't believe that your gone.

I wish I could have heard you say that you were proud of me one last time. But I know that you are. I'm not sure how to process this. It's going to be hard. But I'll be okay. Because I have you and everyone else guiding me.

I love you daddy. And I'm not sure what I will do without you. But I know that I will continue to make you proud.

Written: April 23, 2019

No one can prepare you for death, no matter whom it is. But most importantly, no one can prepare you for losing a parent, a father. No one prepares you when you feel the need to take on the role as the strong one and care for everyone else. No one prepares you for the moments when you have to comfort your niece or mother because she lost someone dear to her too. No one prepares you for the grief that you will run away from but it'll eventually hit you like a ton of bricks. No one prepares you for that depression, anxiety, anger, resentment, guilt, wishes, and pain. No one prepares you for that feeling of losing the only man that truly ever loved you since they day you were born. You don't have that chance to prepare. You don't have that chance to heal in advanced.

Because you never know when it truly hits. You never know when it's going to happen, how its going to happen, where, and why. I faced days, wondering when I was going to feel my grief. Would it be during the service? Would it be during the burial? Would it be a week later? A month? A year? You're never prepared to have that heart wrenching hole inside your chest, missing the man you used to look up to. The man you wanted to be at one point.

It's been a year, today, and some days it still doesn't feel real. It still doesn't feel like a reality. It feels like I could just go home and see him. Like he will walk in that door and give me one of his hugs that I so desperately want and need. I struggled. I still struggle with this. I thought I could work through this on my own. I thought I was strong enough to get through college with a breeze, help others, and THEN worry about my problems. But I've learned all too quickly that that isn't the case. That that could never be the case. I needed help and I got it. I reached out among family, friends, professors, counselors, and God, seeking help. And through them, I am building my strength. Because strength isn't something you can obtain alone. It's best in numbers, it's best with support from those around you whom love you and care for you and your well being. I can't say that this grief process is getting any easier, but it's not getting harder. And I feel like I'm set to be on the right path. The path that will help me succeed and make my dad proud. Everyday is a struggle, slowly but surely, it'll turn into a smoother passage. I may be sharing this on deaf ears (or in this case blind eyes bc social media) but let this be and insight. Don't go through whatever you are going through, alone. Reach out. You're not alone in this and you never will be.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
It's been one year without you, today, Daddy. A year that has felt like an eternity and a day, all in one. It's funny how time works like that, huh. I love you and I hope I'm doing what I can to make you proud. I miss you.

When you lose someone to death, they never tell you how hard or how easy the grief process can be.

They never tell you about that heartache that you feel inside your chest every time you think of the person you lost. That constant hole inside your chest and how, no matter how much you try to fill it with other things, it never goes away. They don’t inform you that certain songs, movies, or shows can trigger emotions deep inside of you and make you lose your **** sometimes. You’re never told about the constant days and nights, sobbing, unable to move as you just lay there and wish you were dead. Not because you wanted your life to end, but because you wish you were with that person again. They don’t tell you about your subconscious and how it’ll try to find every little thing that can relate to that person, just to try and get a grasp of hope that they might still be on earth, that they might still be alive.

No one tells you about the guilt you feel, for every negative impact you had with that person while you were alive. Let alone the guilt you face when you are supposed to do them proud and you feel as though you are failing them. They never tell you that that person might have taught you a lot of things in life, but they never taught you how to live your life without them, how to go on without them, how to move on from them. They never tell you about the constant stomach ache, the terrifying and rippling anxiety that you get every time someone mentions their name. You’re not told about the sting in your eyes or the pain of the lump in your throat as you try your best to prove to everyone that you are okay, when in fact, you are far from okay. The jaw clenching, the anger, the countless holes in the wall or dents in the ground that perfectly show an imprint of your knuckles, because you can’t seem to swallow your emotions anymore. They never tell you about the screaming, the anger towards the person that passed or really anyone and everyone for that matter.

They never talk about how antidepressants don’t work anymore or counseling just doesn’t seem like enough. You’re not told about the amount of times that you’ll space out during the day; whether you’re in class, at the marker, or in the shower. They don’t tell you about the shaking of every limb on your body because you ache to be able to reach for that person again, the shaking of your insides because you try to hold in or emotions. They let you know that the first year could be the hardest, or that you could be numb and the second year hits harder. About the countless holiday’s, birthdays, and anniversaries that you will miss and how it just becomes all the more painful each reminder. They don’t tell you about the nightmares. How you’ll relive every moment all over again and once you wake up, you’re forced to face the reality that it’s not true.

Throughout losing someone, you’re not told a lot of things. But most importantly, you’re not told about the fleeting moments you get for a split blissful second you have this butterfly feeling where everything is fine, that person didn’t pass, and you think they will call, you’ll call them, or they’ll walk right through that door soon. As if you hadn’t gone through all that pain and as if you hadn’t watched their soulless body be buried underground. And for that very very brief second, you feel normal and free. But as soon as it comes, it goes away just as fast and you’re faced with the brutal reality that that feeling was just an anomaly, a fluke, maybe even a daydream. Then you’re left to think about it for weeks on end, wondering why you felt that way in the first place when you /know/ they are gone.

Least to say….people don’t speak up. They don’t tell you a lot about grieving and how alone it can feel not knowing. But I just told you a small fraction of my side and believe me when I tell you, /you’re not alone/. /And you will never be alone/.

Dear future self,

(First I'll ask) How are you? How's your wife or husband? The kids? How's life treating you?

I know it was hard but it's gotten better..., hasn't it?

(Then I'll go on) Let me give you some advice, that hopefully you will follow.

Don't be like your dad. Don't get into drugs and waste your money away on them. Only to yell at your children when you don't have anymore. Don't be like your dad in the sense of fighting with your husband or wife until they cry. Don't push them away or sleep in an opposite bed, just because of their flaws. Don't act like you love them when you can't even love yourself. Don't settle down and have a family until you know you are stable and know you have taken care of your mental illnesses that eat you alive inside, only to hold a gun to your wife and not remember a single thing to happen.

Don't be like your mom. Don't support your significant other if he or she is tied in with drugs and abuse. Don't leave and then come back so your child can continue to go through your suffering just because you think "you love him". Don't fight with your child until she wants to leave or locks herself in her room just because she feels you hate her, of him if the matter comes to a son. Don't claim you want to **** yourself then disappear without another word, leaving your child behind to fend for themselves against their thoughts and worries of you. Don't let your child wrestle you for a gun that you plan to shoot yourself with. Don't have a family unless you have fixed yourself and prepared yourself.

Don't be like your sibling. Don't hold your children over your parents head and blame you're sibling for attention. Don't ignore your illness and replace real medication with drugs. Don't treat your children as if one is better than the other.


I know it's a lot to take in. A lot of advice to you. But hunny, it's better this way than to let your children relive what you went through. Continue to be different. Continue to be you. Be yourself and you will find happiness. Work hard and you will find gratitude. Don't be your family, and you will find unconditional love within your own family that you have never felt before.

Sincerely,
Past Self.

There's something about a cookie cutter that many people like. How perfect it is, how it's handy and controlling, how it's the regular norm for a normal family.

So, they believe, "maybe my kid can be the same". Maybe they can transfer their kids perfectly in life like a cookie cutter can with dough.

But in all reality, not everyone fits that cookie cutter mold. So, they are forced, being shoved into the cutter and broken in the process, leaving them perfect but bruised.

Then once that dough is baked and life is towards its end, they are thrown away as they aren't perfect like all the rest. They are cracked and crumbled. Though, mom still continues, shoving her little dough boy or girl into the cookie cutter, trying to get a new one perfect since she threw away the last... But alas..this one is different too.

In an imaginary world, the mother would have thrown away the cookie cutter and loved the dough the way he or she was.. But instead this is reality, where being cookie cutter perfect is the only option.

Stress. Stress. Stress. That's all life ever is. Kids don't plead to be older. It's a trick. You'll soon wash away into everything all at once and feel like you're drowning. You'll panic so much and worry so much that you just want to sit and cry for days and days and days. Just run away. Stay a child for as long as you can. Don't grow up. Because the process is a burden. Don't get caught in that wave and think everything will be fine, that you can handle it's force, when you end up going under it instead. To those already there, keep fighting to be above that wave. Fight for that ship that has yet to sink that will take you out of the forceful grasp. Don't give up.

There's something about her.
Her Jersey accent and how calm and thin it is compared to the thick accented surrounding her,
Her smile and how she can brighten up the day like she were the fire building up the beautiful sun,
Her love and how no matter who you are or what you are she will love you and care for you like no other could,
How she can be a nerd and still be cute as hell,
How she sends me good morning pictures and pictures to try to make me smile when I'm upset,
How my longing to be with her is like a soldier out at war, wanting to be with his wife.
She's 543 miles away..
My heart aches because I want to love her, I want to be with her.
But I don't feel good enough for her, i feel like she deserves better..
I've lied to her, I've hurt her..
But I love her.
...
She's the only reason why  I continue to exist in this retched world..
Scars cover my thigh and wrist yet somehow she knows how to erase them..
She gets my mind off of them as if they weren't even there.
She makes me feel beautiful, she makes me feel loved.
I long to be by her side, I long to hold her, I long to feel her skin, her touch, her breath, her lips, her laugh oh god her laugh....
I long to see her and hear her voice in person as I've only heard it on recording or over the phone.
I have never felt for another woman like I have felt for her...
I'm scared to admit that I like her.. as my parents think this and that and that me being a lesbian might not be an option.
But honestly, If I become lesbian with her, it wouldn't matter.
She's all i love, she's all I want.
There's something about her that draws me in.
She works hard to capture my light and bring it through, and I can't thank her enough for it...


I hope she gets to see this one day and realize that she is good enough, that she is important and that I love her unconditionally.

She brightens my day when my shadows try to swallow me.
She loves me when no one else will.
She is there for me always no matter what I have done.
.....

She is slowly rekindling my heart into one whole piece again..
....

She is gold, she is love, she is my light shinning through the seams.
There's something about her..and that something is everything...
....

That something about her.. I want to be mine for as long as I live.. no matter the consequences..

She's broken.
Her heart throbs at the losses she has obtained in her life.
She stresses over the future, the present, and the past.
She tries to hide away and snaps at people when they enter.

School has her preoccupied for hours until time to go to bed at 2am, only to be awaken by her thoughts and dark shadows.
Maybe she busies herself with school to get away from the reality.
May she busies herself because she is afraid of loosing the light that seeps within her.

There's a light inside the girl. So fragile and dull, once bright and shinning. What happened? She closed herself up. She hid away the light. It had once drawn so many people to her, making her feel pretty, happy, and something to someone. But her walls built up, sealing the light as everyone left her by death or by pure amusement. Leaving her the broken fragile being she is.

She misses being vibrant and strong, but how can she when she loses her faith? How can she when everything in her life seems to go wrong.

She depends upon doctors, counseling, pills, just so she can be happy again. Sometimes it works but after a while she realizes that it just masks everything, she tells the doctor and the pills change. There's never one happy pill, it just changes and changes until there is no more left to try.

She's forever ****** up in her own head. Her eyes growing darker, her soul growing duller as no one will brave the walls she built and the mountains of pills she takes to find her again.

If someone would just find her.. if someone would look for her through the darkness and shadow, to see that little sliver of light shinning through the seams. She wouldn't stress so much on school. She wouldn't be so worried of trying to get into a college. She wouldn't be so worried about her family and about love.

She wouldn't be afraid of losing the light. Of losing herself.
....


If someone had the courage to find her, she would be free.

They say that time is supposed to heal you but what are you supposed to do when you have lost the one you love for what feels like forever.
It makes your faith waver and it makes your family break apart.
The one that you lost was the glue that kept everything together and now it's like the glue is washed away or has been dried to detach everything.
Oh, if there were phones up there i would call you and ask how you are and beg you to come back down to earth.
I'd ask you to help with the family and to rekindle my faith by telling me all about what it is like up there and if it were truly real.
Because at this very moment i feel like this isn't even earth, i feel like this is hell and it just keeps getting worse.
If there truly is a heaven, i want to know and i want to know from you.
If there truly is a god then why did he take you away from me and why does he continue to make things harder on me as if I am being punished.
What have i done to deserve this?
What have i done to deserve losing you?
To deserve having a broken heart?


...

To deserve having  a broken family...?


I just want that one phone call.. Just one. So that I can hear your angelic voice once again. To hear your reassurance, to hear you say that everything will be okay..

You know those movie scenes, the ones where the guy throws stones at the girls window, trying to get her attention to express his love, of where he stands out in the yard with a stereo blasting a love song to express his longing to the girl, or the ones where the girl unexpectedly
sees her lover on a crowded street corner, everything else losing focus and she tugs on his sleeve to speak her hellos or purposely runs into him to lock eyes with each other as they come back up from picking up each other's stuff, oh or the classic of the prince swooping his princess off her feet, carrying her away to be his queen?
Why are these envisioned as love at first sight or a happily ever after? They aren't real love. They are just scenes from a script, being acted out for entertainment and money.
They convince you otherwise, so well though, don't they. How they seal their love with a kiss and instantly get married after just meeting each other. How they speak their "I love you" as if it can easily roll off their tongue and it mean everything in the world. How they live their married lives so easily without a care in the world.
Movies never depict what true love is, what real love is. They go as far as what people expect love to be, teaching them more false standards of loving. Leaving couples heart broken and married lives separate as they don't have the typical movie scene of love.
Love is loving yourself, no matter your flaws and no matter your differences from others. It's finding that person and feeling the reassurance they give you. It's the feeling you get when your heart races with theirs, matching the rhythms. It's patience and time, waiting for that one or being patient with that one. It's finding someone who loves you unconditionally and who you can trust with everything. It's the understanding and not so understanding the two of you share and work with your differences. It's knowing that you are both right and wrong in the circumstances given. It is having their name echo in your mind every minute and the smile you receive thinking it. It's finding someone that will hold you when you cry and be your support when you need it.
Love can be so many things. Love isn't what you see in a movie scene, it's what you feel. It's how you feel for yourself, your significant other, your family, your friends. Love doesn't come your way instantly, it takes time. So be patient, it will come to you. Maybe today, tomorrow, 20 years from now, who knows. But it will come. Right now, enjoy your life. Tell everyone how you truly feel about them and don't give up. Ever.

There's a moment where you come to a ledge and you get to choose; to jump off and greet sanity, leaving the ******* up life you were oh so destined to have, or you can sit in the insanity and wait on your true judgement day, watching as emptiness and darkness swallows you whole from all the hurt and loss until you are truly destined to greet sanity. What do I choose? I want happiness...sanity.. But I also want life. So I'm stuck here, carrying on climbing the fields of fluorescent life around me, waiting for what will come first; jumping off or judgement day. It is a hard decision but what is even harder is the simple thought that I am being swallowed more and more by the emptiness and darkness that has taken hold as a shadow in my life. What is the hardest is fighting this shadow, thinking you are winning but instead it knocks you back off your feet, causing you to build bricks and bricks of walls to shut everything out so that the hurt doesn't consume you anymore.