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Memphis Ghosts Jan 2016
Dear future self,

(First I'll ask) How are you? How's your wife or husband? The kids? How's life treating you?

I know it was hard but it's gotten better..., hasn't it?

(Then I'll go on) Let me give you some advice, that hopefully you will follow.

Don't be like your dad. Don't get into drugs and waste your money away on them. Only to yell at your children when you don't have anymore. Don't be like your dad in the sense of fighting with your husband or wife until they cry. Don't push them away or sleep in an opposite bed, just because of their flaws. Don't act like you love them when you can't even love yourself. Don't settle down and have a family until you know you are stable and know you have taken care of your mental illnesses that eat you alive inside, only to hold a gun to your wife and not remember a single thing to happen.

Don't be like your mom. Don't support your significant other if he or she is tied in with drugs and abuse. Don't leave and then come back so your child can continue to go through your suffering just because you think "you love him". Don't fight with your child until she wants to leave or locks herself in her room just because she feels you hate her, of him if the matter comes to a son. Don't claim you want to **** yourself then disappear without another word, leaving your child behind to fend for themselves against their thoughts and worries of you. Don't let your child wrestle you for a gun that you plan to shoot yourself with. Don't have a family unless you have fixed yourself and prepared yourself.

Don't be like your sibling. Don't hold your children over your parents head and blame you're sibling for attention. Don't ignore your illness and replace real medication with drugs. Don't treat your children as if one is better than the other.


I know it's a lot to take in. A lot of advice to you. But hunny, it's better this way than to let your children relive what you went through. Continue to be different. Continue to be you. Be yourself and you will find happiness. Work hard and you will find gratitude. Don't be your family, and you will find unconditional love within your own family that you have never felt before.

Sincerely,
Past Self.
More thoughts
Memphis Ghosts Jan 2016
There's something about a cookie cutter that many people like. How perfect it is, how it's handy and controlling, how it's the regular norm for a normal family.

So, they believe, "maybe my kid can be the same". Maybe they can transfer their kids perfectly in life like a cookie cutter can with dough.

But in all reality, not everyone fits that cookie cutter mold. So, they are forced, being shoved into the cutter and broken in the process, leaving them perfect but bruised.

Then once that dough is baked and life is towards its end, they are thrown away as they aren't perfect like all the rest. They are cracked and crumbled. Though, mom still continues, shoving her little dough boy or girl into the cookie cutter, trying to get a new one perfect since she threw away the last... But alas..this one is different too.

In an imaginary world, the mother would have thrown away the cookie cutter and loved the dough the way he or she was.. But instead this is reality, where being cookie cutter perfect is the only option.
Just some thoughts...
Memphis Ghosts Nov 2015
Stress. Stress. Stress. That's all life ever is. Kids don't plead to be older. It's a trick. You'll soon wash away into everything all at once and feel like you're drowning. You'll panic so much and worry so much that you just want to sit and cry for days and days and days. Just run away. Stay a child for as long as you can. Don't grow up. Because the process is a burden. Don't get caught in that wave and think everything will be fine, that you can handle it's force, when you end up going under it instead. To those already there, keep fighting to be above that wave. Fight for that ship that has yet to sink that will take you out of the forceful grasp. Don't give up.
Memphis Ghosts Nov 2015
Her
There's something about her.
Her Jersey accent and how calm and thin it is compared to the thick accented surrounding her,
Her smile and how she can brighten up the day like she were the fire building up the beautiful sun,
Her love and how no matter who you are or what you are she will love you and care for you like no other could,
How she can be a nerd and still be cute as hell,
How she sends me good morning pictures and pictures to try to make me smile when I'm upset,
How my longing to be with her is like a soldier out at war, wanting to be with his wife.
She's 543 miles away..
My heart aches because I want to love her, I want to be with her.
But I don't feel good enough for her, i feel like she deserves better..
I've lied to her, I've hurt her..
But I love her.
...
She's the only reason why  I continue to exist in this retched world..
Scars cover my thigh and wrist yet somehow she knows how to erase them..
She gets my mind off of them as if they weren't even there.
She makes me feel beautiful, she makes me feel loved.
I long to be by her side, I long to hold her, I long to feel her skin, her touch, her breath, her lips, her laugh oh god her laugh....
I long to see her and hear her voice in person as I've only heard it on recording or over the phone.
I have never felt for another woman like I have felt for her...
I'm scared to admit that I like her.. as my parents think this and that and that me being a lesbian might not be an option.
But honestly, If I become lesbian with her, it wouldn't matter.
She's all i love, she's all I want.
There's something about her that draws me in.
She works hard to capture my light and bring it through, and I can't thank her enough for it...


I hope she gets to see this one day and realize that she is good enough, that she is important and that I love her unconditionally.

She brightens my day when my shadows try to swallow me.
She loves me when no one else will.
She is there for me always no matter what I have done.
.....

She is slowly rekindling my heart into one whole piece again..
....

She is gold, she is love, she is my light shinning through the seams.
There's something about her..and that something is everything...
....

That something about her.. I want to be mine for as long as I live.. no matter the consequences..
Memphis Ghosts Nov 2015
She's broken.
Her heart throbs at the losses she has obtained in her life.
She stresses over the future, the present, and the past.
She tries to hide away and snaps at people when they enter.

School has her preoccupied for hours until time to go to bed at 2am, only to be awaken by her thoughts and dark shadows.
Maybe she busies herself with school to get away from the reality.
May she busies herself because she is afraid of loosing the light that seeps within her.

There's a light inside the girl. So fragile and dull, once bright and shinning. What happened? She closed herself up. She hid away the light. It had once drawn so many people to her, making her feel pretty, happy, and something to someone. But her walls built up, sealing the light as everyone left her by death or by pure amusement. Leaving her the broken fragile being she is.

She misses being vibrant and strong, but how can she when she loses her faith? How can she when everything in her life seems to go wrong.

She depends upon doctors, counseling, pills, just so she can be happy again. Sometimes it works but after a while she realizes that it just masks everything, she tells the doctor and the pills change. There's never one happy pill, it just changes and changes until there is no more left to try.

She's forever ****** up in her own head. Her eyes growing darker, her soul growing duller as no one will brave the walls she built and the mountains of pills she takes to find her again.

If someone would just find her.. if someone would look for her through the darkness and shadow, to see that little sliver of light shinning through the seams. She wouldn't stress so much on school. She wouldn't be so worried of trying to get into a college. She wouldn't be so worried about her family and about love.

She wouldn't be afraid of losing the light. Of losing herself.
....


If someone had the courage to find her, she would be free.
Memphis Ghosts Nov 2015
They say that time is supposed to heal you but what are you supposed to do when you have lost the one you love for what feels like forever.
It makes your faith waver and it makes your family break apart.
The one that you lost was the glue that kept everything together and now it's like the glue is washed away or has been dried to detach everything.
Oh, if there were phones up there i would call you and ask how you are and beg you to come back down to earth.
I'd ask you to help with the family and to rekindle my faith by telling me all about what it is like up there and if it were truly real.
Because at this very moment i feel like this isn't even earth, i feel like this is hell and it just keeps getting worse.
If there truly is a heaven, i want to know and i want to know from you.
If there truly is a god then why did he take you away from me and why does he continue to make things harder on me as if I am being punished.
What have i done to deserve this?
What have i done to deserve losing you?
To deserve having a broken heart?


...

To deserve having  a broken family...?


I just want that one phone call.. Just one. So that I can hear your angelic voice once again. To hear your reassurance, to hear you say that everything will be okay..
Memphis Ghosts Nov 2015
You know those movie scenes, the ones where the guy throws stones at the girls window, trying to get her attention to express his love, of where he stands out in the yard with a stereo blasting a love song to express his longing to the girl, or the ones where the girl unexpectedly
sees her lover on a crowded street corner, everything else losing focus and she tugs on his sleeve to speak her hellos or purposely runs into him to lock eyes with each other as they come back up from picking up each other's stuff, oh or the classic of the prince swooping his princess off her feet, carrying her away to be his queen?
Why are these envisioned as love at first sight or a happily ever after? They aren't real love. They are just scenes from a script, being acted out for entertainment and money.
They convince you otherwise, so well though, don't they. How they seal their love with a kiss and instantly get married after just meeting each other. How they speak their "I love you" as if it can easily roll off their tongue and it mean everything in the world. How they live their married lives so easily without a care in the world.
Movies never depict what true love is, what real love is. They go as far as what people expect love to be, teaching them more false standards of loving. Leaving couples heart broken and married lives separate as they don't have the typical movie scene of love.
Love is loving yourself, no matter your flaws and no matter your differences from others. It's finding that person and feeling the reassurance they give you. It's the feeling you get when your heart races with theirs, matching the rhythms. It's patience and time, waiting for that one or being patient with that one. It's finding someone who loves you unconditionally and who you can trust with everything. It's the understanding and not so understanding the two of you share and work with your differences. It's knowing that you are both right and wrong in the circumstances given. It is having their name echo in your mind every minute and the smile you receive thinking it. It's finding someone that will hold you when you cry and be your support when you need it.
Love can be so many things. Love isn't what you see in a movie scene, it's what you feel. It's how you feel for yourself, your significant other, your family, your friends. Love doesn't come your way instantly, it takes time. So be patient, it will come to you. Maybe today, tomorrow, 20 years from now, who knows. But it will come. Right now, enjoy your life. Tell everyone how you truly feel about them and don't give up. Ever.
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