there are nights where the rain's so heavy I could drown myself in it
the thunder's just as violent as my sadness
and I wonder why I feel guilty when you were the one who left
I met someone new but my heart was never meant to belong to anyone else
and I love him but I feel like he's only borrowing what's yours
your t-shirt is at the bottom of my junk drawer
and I think of how I could've done things differently
If I could, I'd do it all again
but if I'm being honest with myself I loved you the only way I knew how
with the kind of abundance that can suffocate
so I'll carry my heart like a weight and not an asset
because it will never be a blessing to feel this much

I broke my own heart when I wrote poems for you
as if you could hear my thoughts
telepathy of some sort
and what's meant for you will find its way back but you never did
the truth is I'm trying to let go with honey on my hands
and I always thought love was patient
but I'm beginning to resent you for the way you're under my skin
and I tried to get you out of my system
but I stuttered when we said goodbye
because I was never good at knowing when love isn't love anymore

I saw you smile and I thought about how each time I start something new it feels different
I call my best friend and ask her if I'm foolish for imagining summer next to you
I start to smile in my sleep and see the world through rose tinted glasses
and I tell myself I won't rush in but it's like telling the seasons not to change
winter creeps it's way in and I miss the way fall felt
but you're still here
and I think this time I'll keep us to myself
because something this simple doesn't need an explanation
you keep me calm and I'll keep you passionate
and I can't imagine mornings without you

I want you to learn about forgiveness
I want you to tell your mother you know she didn't mean to project all of her emotions on you
that she was only your age when she had you and you are still learning too
tell her that you love her, that the best parts of you came from her
I want you to call your dad
I know hearing his voice makes you clench your fists
I know your muscles still hate him even when your heart says you don't
tell him the way his absence had you crying on your bathroom floor before you knew what a panic attack was
tell him the reasons why you blame him for the way you love
then tell him you forgive him
you forgive him even though he never asked you to, you forgive him for yourself
I want you to make a list of every person that's ever wronged you
I want you to burn it and I want you to wish them well
the kind of love you've found, pure and warm
there is no room for resentment in a heart like yours
and then I want you to forgive yourself
even if you feel like you don't deserve it
be gentle with your mind, give yourself a place to rest
you are doing far better than you think

there's a letter I wrote you with no address
in a box beneath my bed
and this isn't a metaphor for the time I spent waiting for you
there's scattered words in my head
playing like a broken record
a collage of tired clichés
holding just enough truth to echo the memories of you
there's nails on my fingers bitten to the brim for every time your name's been in my mouth
and I've tried to wash it down
but something about the wiring in my brain
has fooled me into believing my excess of love
will make up for your lack there of

In my head it's 2 a.m. and you're as awake as I am
heads against our pillows and we're both thinking of each other but neither of us know it
you're missing me
and you're unsure of whether you even knew me well enough to have the privilege of missing me at all
but you miss me for the things we never said
and in my head you're thinking of how you never really got close enough to wrap your arms around my waist
to tell me everything I made you feel and everything you saw coming
that never quite played out how you wanted
In my head even your fingers are sad when you think about my skin
even your lips burn at the thought of never kissing mine again
but it's probably just in my head

I discovered you slowly
and I don't know that I ever believed opposites really attract
but you are my peaceful and I am your wild
I discovered your language and you tucked my hair behind my ear
assurance falls from your tongue like honey and it's got my hand stuck to yours for good-
"I love you
I love everything about you
even the things you hate, I love
and what you love I love even more"