I have came to the realize that the world is not all sunshine and rainbows.
I realized its a gaint hole.
As a child we are taught to shoot for the stars and reach for the sky.
As an adult all im shooting for is the surface.
I have fallen into a hole that doesn't have a entrance nor a exit.
I can't seem to find the way out.
The farther I get, the clearer things become.
The basic concepts to life start to become irrelevant.  
I've meet many souls down in the hole.
But they all must leave for i have given them the light to find the way out.
When i leave the hole i will either be a changed soul or a pile of ash.
For i can only survive in told darkness for so long.
So along the journey i hope to find my light so i can find my way out of the hole.

How do i tell my best friend that im in love with her?
When I'm around her all my fears fade away.
She looks at me with those big brown eyes and i just fall.
When we sitting in her drive away and says "let's go inside stupid"
My heart melts in half.
How do i tell her?
I don't love her just for her body
Not the way her lips feel on mine.
Not the way she moves her hips when a good song comes on.
How do i tell her
Its the way she pores her heart out everytime she sings
The way she looks when she's dozing off
Or when she rolls over in bed and snuggles down into her spot.
I love her obsession with blankets. The way the explains her system with making cubbyholes in them.
But I hate that you never notice how much i just sit and admire how beautiful you are.
You are my sunshine and the love of my life.
But i am not yours.
And i guess that's okay.
but if i tell you how i feel it will change things.
You will look at me differently.
And you will stop running to me.
So when you ask what's wrong
All i want to say is "im in love with my bestfriend but shes not in love with me"
But all i say is "nothing"

I
   do
       not
         know
             how
                 to
              fall
     asleep
without
you
I
   do
         not
                know
                    how
                  to
           keep
    going
anymore

As I grasp for air
All I see is your smiling face
As you grasp for air
All you see is my tears

As I cry myself to sleep
All I feel is shame
As you cry yourself to sleep
All you feel is
Oh wait, you do not cry
Because you have no soul

I carried a book.
My book was all of the things.  
I carried you with me dad.
In a book.
He was the biggest section of  the book.
When I get sad I pulled you out and began to reminisce.  
But I also carried what you did to me.
I carried the hair pulling
The name calling, slapping and punching.
As I lay awake at night, I seemed to have carried the nights with you.
The ones where I was locked in the basement
The ones where I got one piece of bread for the week
But I also carried the good times.
I carried the times where we went to the city and watched the stars.
The beautiful names you called me.
But when it got to be too much,
I packed him into the book, closed the cover, then packed the book.
I carried you with me dad
In a book.
I carried my sister.
Whitney I carried you
In a book.
This section jumped around.
It always started with
I loved you
Then I hated you.
But I always found a way to
Love you
Again.
As I laid awake at night
I thought about all the times you could have saved me
But you layed in bed with him
And disregarded
Everything that was happening to me
You disregarded me
You disregarded everything about me
But I always found a way to
Love you
Again.
But when it got to be too much,
I packed her into the book, closed the cover, then packed the book.
I carried you with me Whitney
In a book.
I carried a child.
I carried my child.
Even though she came to me
Out of hate.
I always did love
Her section.
She came to me in the darkest
Of times.
I was thankful that I got to hold you.
Even if it was just for a breathe.
If I could have named her it would have been
Rebbeca Lynne
I have and always did love her.
My sweet child.
But when it got to be too much,
I packed her into the book, closed the cover, then packed the book.
I carried you with me child.
In a book.
I carried an angel.
I carried my angel.
He came to me at the best times.
But he told me something
That I never wanted to hear.
I was told that in 24 days
I was to join him
In a world of peace
Of happiness
And of joy.
But in 23 days
I learned so much about myself
I learned how to escape.
But on the last day
I did not want to leave.
This place sounded so sweet
But I wanted to stay and learn.
So I ran.
I ran as far as I could from him.
At the end of the 24th day.
He still managed a way to find me.
But when it got to be too much,
I packed him into the book, closed the cover, then packed the book.
I carried you my angel.
In a book.
I carried the place.
This place was not like any other place.
Before I entered this place
I was told I would not carry anything from the past.
I was told this would be a place of peace
Of Happiness
And of Joy
But this place was not.
This place was a room.
With no lights.
With no sound.
Just a room.
I could not see 2 inches in front of me.
This place had no peace
No happiness
And no joy.
It was just a room.
But when it got to be too much,
I packed it into the book, closed the cover, then packed the book.
I carried the place.
I carried this book with me.
No matter where I went.
I carried it with me until the day I died.
This book can not be opened.
It can not be read.
But one day this book will find you.
And once you find it
You will join me in the basement
You will join me in the city.
You will join me in the love
And in the hate.
You join me on the run.
You will join me in a breathe.
You will join me in the place.
But you will never read this book.
But when it gets to be too much,
You can try to close the cover, then pack the book.
But you will never carry this book
The book I carried.

I lost track of me
i got addicted
to the worst kind of drug


you

i struggled to realize  
how much you impacted
every choice, every action, every move

i can't wear that blue shirt
  because it reminds me of the way i
felt with you
the happiness, the smiles, the laughs

i can do this

i wore that shirt today
i didn't cry
but i did smile
not because of you
because the happiness that came from my friends
my teachers, who I see as parents
the boy, i call my best friend

i latched on to his hug for about 30 seconds longer than usual
he asked "you okay"
"all because of this"
i smiled and walked to class
happy

i can't seem to put my feelings on paper
or speak them
you have seem to take my breath
away
but i can still breath
how strange.

I don't know what to do
I am stuck in this gap
its hard to move forward
or backwards

im trying to choose between
him and him

him one
pros
nice, funny, calls me cute, noticed me
cons
distant, innocent, awkward
him two
pros
cute, nice, funny, and some notices me
cons
seems ***** all the time, clingy, its always wyd

they both notice me and i don't know why,
i'm not cute
i'm not funny
i don't attract any similes
i attract stares

my inspiration has changed
the passion i write with is different
"be who you wanna be"
to
"happy, that's all you need"
to write something worth reading by many
isn't as easy as you think, or it may be
people expect so much of each other
but don't hold themselves to that own standard

blame. it can be passed person to person
but the true ones will own up too it
"i messed up bro"
"i did that bro"
but you can't own up to what you did to me
you broke my heart
then left
but i just have to move on
blame.
i put it all on you even tho
you weren't to blame
it was me
but karma will come and get you
i heard she's a *****

Dear Mom,
As I write this letter to you, I hope you realize how much you have hurt me. And that all you are doing is making things worse. I can't seem to say these words you face to face nor will you let me.
I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect 5 year old again. I'm 17 I make mistakes. I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time, but I will never admit to your face. But that shouldn't be your reason for your actions.
I don't want anything to do with you anymore. You have made life more of a hell these past few years then you probably ever will. But the drama needed to stop. But you didn't seem to realize this. I hope this isn't breaking your heart but you already broke mine. As I sit here I'm not crying, and I hope you aren't either. But honestly, everything I'm saying I have tried to tell you before. But you don't listen. I hope this letter would suffice for you, because you aren't getting anything more from me. I am done with you. I am done with everything you so call "have to offer". I tried having a relationship with you, you see how well that worked. You haven't seemed to show me you deserve another chance. I have always resented you for moving away from me. Always have and probably always will. But that isn't the only reason. As a mother your duties are to take care of me. I am your child. I come first before anyone and everyone, including yourself. This might be harsh but its the real world. Time for both of us to live in reality.  This is something you struggled with, this and making my life a living hell. But that isn't just it, you seemed to use me as a pawn or a spy for my dad, which i never seemed to understand why.  You just ditching me to go hangout with your friends isn't okay either. You will always be my Birth Giver, but you really didn't deserve the title Mom. I can't keep going down this road that I have been going down. It really has been enough. I'm done shedding tears for you, done stressing, and done sacrificing my life. Maybe in the future when I don't need to be dependent on you. But right now I don't need you in my life. You are basically destroying everything I have tried to build and re-build in the past four years. Many of my friend relationships have been destroyed because I took all my emotions to them at the age of 12. What normal kids has these emotions? I bottled them up and expressed them at the worst times possible. That is what happens when your the kid of ill mother who strains every part of you. I'm sorry if this isn't something you wanted to hear. But this is what I need say. I wish you the best in life and all your health issues. I will always love you, but right now this is the best thing I can offer.

Laying awake night is probably one of worst things about depression.
Because you’re neither tried or energized.
You just lay there.
Depression isn’t just being sad.
Depression isn’t just sitting at home because your to upset to go out.
It’s so much more.
It’s hard for people to talking about depression.
Just like the incarcerated cousin at family gatherings.
Or the just not so okay uncle that’s a little to close with kids.
But not talking about “it”
Is something you shouldn’t do.
Depression is something that can’t be defined.
It’s like water in a glass.
Shape shifting.
But we all still love and appreciate water?
So why not depression?
Ohh because it changes the loved one?
But what if the loved one really needed you to be there
But instead you ignore them because you think they need space.
Be there. No matter what.
Attempt to talk to them. Don’t push them away
Don’t ignore them when they are screaming for help.
Would you help a loved one if they were in pain?
Or would you just watch them suffer.
That’s what ignoring the topic of depression does.

these poems are the only thing keeping me alive
i write from keeping from crying
from thinking about all the calories i had today
whether i has enough water or to much soda.
these poems are the only thing getting me out of bed
i can only write sitting at a table.
these making me get out of bed to just write a poem
these poems are the only way i can count the days
i can't count them by the times i slept because i take
multiple naps a day
i count the days as how many poems do i not have published
so the days when i decided the published the poem
Those days don’t matter

Do you know what dying feels like?


Could it even be put in words?

thirteen reasons why i love you
1.You made me smile like never before
2.I never seemed to cry when I was with you.
  3.I thought you were the one
   4.The memories weren't scaring
    5.The pain wasn't as strong while being around you
     6.My scars started to heel.
      7.My smile never leaved while around you
       8.I was actually happy
        9.I enjoyed being around you
         10.When I laughed I wasn't faking
          11.When we talked it wasn't awkward
           12.My emotions were alway defined
            13.My heart wasn't confused about you
                                          thirteen reasons why i hate you
1.You can't make up your mind
2.You never said you wanted us to work
  3.My emotions never made a difference to you
   4.My feelings were alway wrong towards you
    5.We never did what I wanted
     6.We didn't talk about our problems
      7.I wasn't want you needed
       8.I did things that you didn't argue with you
        9.My beliefs weren't agreeing with yours
         10.My friends could never hangout with us
          11.Changing opinions wasn't what you ever wanted
            12.Changing for me was alway a no go
              13.Someone alway came first
                                                         one reason why I left
1. I loved you
                                                     one reason why you left
1.you didn't love me

all i want
to do
is cry

why?
i don't know
it just
feels right

everytime i cry
the more i die
i'm afraid that
if i cry
i won't
recover

i hope you know
i have changed because of you.
me meeting you
and you breaking my heart
because im not good enough for you.
was the best thing that could have happened.
because now i love the new me
So THANK YOU for breaking me.

you say you don't want to be in a relationship
but you ask for me to **** around with you
"i'm not ready" "my heart still hurts"
Those are lies and me and you both know.
I sit here and still believe you and take your word
cuz you've "changed"
Me and you both know you haven't
I watched the way you slipped your hand down
my skirt.
You smile. That's how I know you haven't changed.
but I still believed that you have changed.

Don't you love it when they say
" I love you"
" I ain't never gonna leave you"

We all know that those are lies.
Just like
"i'm fine"
Nobody is ever really fine

Today is the day
I asked you to be mine forever
Will you join me? As I went to jump in the lake.
You said you would here then as I sank to the bottom
I didn't see your face

As I sit here writing about you
I can feel your hand slipping up my leg.
The softness of your finger tips.
I can imagine your lips up against my neck.
I can feel you sitting here watching me write

As I lay here I think about you
I can feel you covering my mouth
I taste the dirt on your hands against my lips
I can hear you say "shut up"
I can feel you laying here watching me think

As I drive home I can feel
the pain radiating across
I can see the look on my face in the mirror
I can imagine the disgusted look you gave me
As I drive home I can feel you

Sometimes I wonder
I wonder if our love
will grow like the flowers growing around the bench

But then I worry that
Our love will be like the weeds
that get pulled out

I sit in class and wonder
I wonder if you are doing to same

I set next to you
My palms are so sweaty
I wonder if your are too

I lay in bed
At 2 am
t
h
   i
    n
      k
        i
         n
           g
             about
                 you
I think about how your eyes glisten in the sun
I think about how smart those glasses make you
look
I think about the way you giggle...

But then I think about how I can't make you as happy as your
EX...

As I drift to sleep.
You finally leave my mind
then I walk up and see your face...
C
r
  y
   i
    n
      g
But then I realize it not you.
Its me crying at a picture of you.
Laughing with you ex.

She let people stab her in the back
Like stepping on a bug, they never know it’s coming
Like hunting a deer they don’t know it’s coming
She let them, she wanted it

She was called a one trick pony
She wanted the pain
She wanted to be let down
She let them, she wanted it

But that’s not her story
But nobody knew
Nobody,

people liked to judge her
Tell her what she feels.
She wanted to break the wall stopping
Her from speaking
Her words told something
Like the words to songs, poems, stories
They were stopped like water to a dam

She never spoke

She was called names
Rude, quite, stupid,dumb, fat, ugly
Eventually she felt
Rude quite, stupid and dumb, fat,and ugly

She never stood up
She believed that she meant nothing
She was broken
Lost,
Dead

People made her world feel  broken

People made her feel sick

People make her feel gone

She was in pain
She cut herself
She starved herself
She was trying to be everything she wasn’t

She was told to be a happy butterfly
But she was stuck in her cocoon
Locked away
She didn’t have a key,
She didn’t have a code
To be the happy butterfly
that everyone told her to be

She didn’t want the pain or the scars,
The guilt, the agony, the hatred
She was told to be the happy butterfly
That she never believed she could be.