You told me I broke you
That you fell apart
Without me you were wreckage
Broken bits of a heart

And then you moved on
You found some new parts
Started making the repairs
Built your own heart

Tell me is it wonderful
To be whole again
The guilt has destroyed me
Long after you didn't

this is me
screaming into
the void
a whisper
i am deserving and worthy of love

this is me
constructing pieces
of boundaries
i can't put up yet

this is me
speaking words
that are not lies

this is me
preparing for the worst

this is self-preservation

hey i heard you are doing better
im glad
for you

im not doing better
it's worse


im tired of drawing lines on my arm
running out of time all along

they told me it'd be ok
well what if everyone was wrong

?

do you still need me

you sent me a post
"send this to the person that saved your life, even if they didn't know it"

im glad you're better
im glad i could help

but dear god i'm still falling apart

I know my face is feminine
I know everyone 'knows' I'm a girl
I know in this confusing christian society
You have to keep to the binary

And so I don't expect them
To look at me
And say "He"

But just once
Maybe they'll hesitate
Before saying "She"

I wrote a poem into the wind
Improvisational melody
And promptly forgot it
I think the wind kept it

I forgot how much I missed you
Until we started talking again
I've been through lots of painful things
But not many compare to losing a friend

You texted me a week ago
You tried to apologize
It wasn't your fault
(You liked looking in my eyes)

Said you found this jacket
In the picture, it reminded
Me of a 80s quilt
I said you should get it, you did

Adults keep pulling on our sleeves
Telling us to grow up
Keep only what you need
Well I needed connection
And I needed a friend
You were running low on those too
Maybe life's out to get us
Maybe they just don't care
I know it's easier
If I have you there

I think the funny thing
It's not the
Staying in bed for days
Awake and then
Sleeping in few
Hour increments

(and certainly not the night I woke up at two
to the sound of the darkness
how I could hear it whispering my name
I didn't fall asleep until I saw the sun)

but
I think the funny thing
Is how even after days in bed
My every need passed over on a platter
(From six feet away)
Recovery is not a steep *****

Over a week, and I'm still hacking up phlegm
(I realize that's disgusting to picture
Trust me, tasting it is worse)

Oh, so I should be grateful
"It's not covid, so you're fine"
(Not that I got tested,
I have a sensitive nose
It bleeds very easily.
Decided it was safer to stay home)

"I'm sorry, but we have to cancel
Thanksgiving.... No, we don't think we're contagious, but we want to be sure.... Thank you for understanding!"

My sister was showing symptoms
The strep test was negative
A doctor says it was allergies

That's nice, but a 99.8
Isn't allergies

So yes
The funny thing
Is the recovery
But only because there doesn't seem to be any of it.