It's been 2 years, has it not?

It's like inhaling dust
From all that haze
Except that haze is gone
And the pain remains

My lungs are on fire
I feel something - or someone
Slicing, gnawing at them
Or rubbing salt - I can't really tell

I was promised (I told myself)
It would get better
But it didn't and
Now I'm in bed wide awake
Spooked by the memories we made

People act like it and pretend that they care
But saying "It's gonna be okay"
Isn't exactly fair
When actions speak louder than words

Because in the dim light of my phone
Those words were my distraction
Words were my relief and
Words are all I have

I want this to be over
I want to forget
But these memories are etched

I'm not very strong, so to speak
I'm merely a girl refusing to sound weak
Often condescending; narcissism in full glory
But every action taken was never without a story

What is it, you might ask, do pray tell
If curious is what you are, then very well I shall
I am seasoned, scarred, battered and bruised
Torn, tattered and worn out from use

This you know, you've been there before
One too many times we've walked out the door
We both have wounds, you and I
I've grown tired and my tears have run dry

This won't work, I've heard them all say
But never you mind, I'll be okay
A fighter now, a pushover before
I gotta be strong before I lose even more

A chanced encounter, that's what you are
Could he be different? I wondered from afar
Conversations over coffee, what a great start!
But I've grown accustomed to guarding my heart

It's not that I don't trust, nor that I don't care
My past has hurt me and my mama said beware
Risks have been taken, perhaps a little too much
So please understand as to why I am such

Despite all that, you've got me thinking
Things could be better, if only I kept believing
Because I've grown fond of our playful banter
The time is mine, and that's all that matters

I do not want to be a perfume-tinged person of your past,
tainted with chemicals and compounds whose names I do not know

Neither do I want to be just another girl you used to love

I wish to be the scent of a thousand freshly picked flowers,
staining your mind with my vibrant colours

To you, I wish to be your sweetest serendipity - the most exquisite delicacy your lips have ever tasted

I wish to be to you, what you are to me.

It goes like this.
One fine summer's day.
Across the classroom, there you stood.
We grew close.
Days turned into weeks and weeks into months.
Who knew how much you'd mean to me in such a short span of time?
Not a moment went by without laughter and happiness.
For once, everything felt right; natural and as easy as breathing.
Could this be it?
But here comes the plot twist.
Out of the blue, it all stops.
You were no longer there.
Neither there to greet me at the start of a new day nor end my nights with peace and tranquility.
It's been so hard - missing you and what we used to be; hoping that one day, things could go back to the way they were.
But what were we?
You were my universe but I was just your friend; caught up in this grey area that stirs up a storm in my mind.
That's the cue, though.
It's time to say goodbye.

*Silly girl, you know better. You saw it coming. People come and go. The people who matter will leave, and there's nothing you can do to change that. And like all of the boys you've met before, he'll be gone too.

Now, you know that it isn't entirely your fault. It's not that you're flawed. It's not that she's better either. But sometimes, the one you want is never going be the one you get to have. Sometimes, it's just not meant to be.

Be a little kinder to yourself and spare yourself of the thoughts that you're not good enough. A boy does not define your self-worth; him leaving does not make you worth any less. Remember not lose yourself in all this sadness. Because you won't be sad forever. You'll be okay. You are okay.

You are
My reason for not sleeping 'til 3 in the morning
The cup of coffee I need to get my day running
The dark shadows etched into my skin, underneath my eyes
Every hue possible in the blue skies
The scent on your clothes that I keep
The very same lullaby that soothes me to sleep
The smile playing at the corner of my lips
The tingles I get, when I feel your fingertips
A spark ignited within my heart
The sadness I feel whenever we are apart
The heat on my eyelids underneath the scorching sun
The destination when you ask me where I'd run
The ink that flows out onto my paper
The source of my inspiration; the only thing I remember.

Take me with you,
where the wildflowers grow.
Let's travel to where the sun sets;
somewhere only we know.

To escape the pain,
the bitterness of reality.
To indulge in freedom,
and the sweet serenity.

To fall in love is to allow yourself to fall into a deep, dark hole.
You don't know what awaits you at the bottom.

You could get hurt on your way down - scraping yourself against the walls; getting bruises and cuts on your body, hands and feet. There's the possibility of dying from the impact; landing on jagged rocks after what feels like an infinity of waiting in pitch black darkness.

Or you find yourself free-falling, enjoying every bit of your journey down. You might land on soft fluffy cotton. Better yet, a bed of roses - without the thorns. And for once, you'd thank yourself for being so reckless when you couldn't see what was coming.

And right now, here I am before the gamble - the entrance of that hole. I feel myself tipping towards it, but I fear what awaits at the end. That's the thing about you - it's always one extreme or the other; there is no in between. I either survive, or I don't. And you know what? You're still that risk I'm willing to take.