please stay
don’t go
not ever

@journeyofdays

hold my heart
trust you
implicitly

@journeyofdays

yes scared
it may never pass

@journeyofdays

so this is life
you
me


@journeyofdays

small steps
small wins
thank you

@journeyofdays

it is physical
change
is
permanent

@journeyofdays

begging*
was ever in the vows

@journeyofdays

stop it
not sure I can

@journeyofdays

melancholy*
will
stay for dinner too

@journeyofdays

sorrowful
no
life is just
still

@journeyofdays

staying here in this agony
a ménage with spiders
the same ones that still haunt my father
he brought them home
mother fed them
and now they have infested everything
generations of them
they hitch rides with my bags every time I move.
unwelcome ghosts
they emerge from the cracks in the walls
haunting my nights
they hover during the day
just out of reach
scuttling around in the shadows
avoiding the glare
no one else sees them
they are there just for me
watching
I hear them tapping in the timber
waiting for the shadows to lengthen

is this voluntary
do I get a choice
what are the options

symbiosis is not my choice
spiders are demanding more
now want forever inside my head
there is no mutual benefit
draw is all one way
half life is no life
I choose not to take the pact
surrender my soul
I am more than the spiders tell me
they tell lies
their poison is smoke
they need me more
than I need them
or want them
do I call the exterminators
who do you contract to get rid of the generational pain
the evil that lurks to destroy
heal the expectations of spiders at night
change the DNA
the parts soaked in grief
banish  shadows
live as me without spiders
a parable changed
conversion
I choose conversion

@journeyofdays

softly now
your name is called
time is ceasing
it is the order of things
cosmos

@journeyofdays

never thought it would end like this
a life time to here
ending so cruelly
and the sadness is immense
crushing


@journeyofdays

cuppa in bed
I love you a little bit more

@journeyofdays

you had it but you don’t anymore
but why
anxiety rising
fear places
fear people
over analyse any situation
protect

you had it but you don’t any more
but why do I ...
not trust
not sleep
drag my **** through some days
sit near the exit
sit at the back

you had it but you don’t anymore
ok then, so this, right here, is normal now???
******* great!

@journeyofdays

if you are taking a dagger to my heart
do it quickly
the wait
that is too painful

@journeyofdays

how do we dance
we cannot touch the ground
because it is no longer there
disappearing well before we the music started
what anchors us in gravity has been missing for some time
drift apart
our choice to perish
if we leave this orbit
we can dance between the stars

@journeyofdays

you are close
even in my dreams I can feel you skirting the tree line
why do come back
to claim those bits you left in me

weeks ago the scars started to itch
bubbling in my blood
time bombs you left behind
banished not entitled

the closer you get I feel
your poison in my blood
bent on opening those wounds again
haven’t you done enough

can I bleed it out
now that it is close to the surface
let it run across the ground
finding you on the edge of dark


@journeyofdays

you think this night is dark
there are darker places
within the hearts of men
in the locker of secrets
those that are never told
and not forgotten
even if the manifest was lost



@journeyofdays

so we have not spoken, in what? four years?
seen each other
danced around the awkward physical proximity
you have never been encouraged
to speak to me
enter into my space
engage in anyway

so why smile at me now?
why move
towards me
into my space
and be surprised by the lack of warmth ?

you are more ******* deluded than ...

#thisjourneyofdays

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
deserts are formation
breath is shallow
cold is paralysing, heat without relief
utter exhaustion

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
eddies progress in formations across the ground
scratching around in the earth
rivulets of dust fan out across the surface
grinding and polishing the soul

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
profound nothing
only pain makes this real
but it is fleeting and empty seeps back in
there is no self-worth

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

this lesson has been hard
it has been lonely
the empty has been necessary
there is no point lower
now the ground is stable

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
tumbling through a wash cycle of dust
and nothing
I have already died
been to my own funeral
mourned my passing, grieved for months
walked through a valley of half-life in shadow
and have come out the other-side

deserts are lessons
and I am not scared anymore

@journeyofdays

PTSD PTSInjury   #growth #lifelesson #PTSgrowth  #death #life

...do not tell me
what I think or what my intentions are
you do not know me at all
what you see is true
but it isn’t all of me
there is so much still hidden
some things thought lost
as if passage of time removes their relevance
secrets and events held deep
in depths welded into caverns
there are sconces on the walls
marking the tombs for the living
you walk over them and past them
unknowing and uncaring with your presumptions
clipping your heels and stubbing your toe
on the rivets that keep them tethered.
preaching your rants
spin them wildly into screams
to keep you covered
in a fury of anger and hate
while I keep mine encased
held deep in a cold temple
with the pressure it might create diamonds

@journeyofdays

this life of words
substance of a new life
if they slow down
if they dry up
having mined the pockets of emotion
creating a honeycombed mind
am I at the end
do I need to seek another seam
are there lingering memories trapped deeper
exhausted limits of charts
dilemma
can I stay here for a while longer

@journeyofdays

dinner
tonight
guest list
hmmm
I will be wearing combat boots
oh and the pearl drop earrings
topics of conversation
awe don’t worry about me
I’ll be fine
filter
not sure where that is
that ok with you

@journeyofdays

whispers
of surfaces untouched
places unseen
yet to be discovered

Jobira & @journeyofdays

discovered* prescriptions
for the pain
you
caused
discarded
now *******

Jobira & @journeyofdays

steps missed discovered an eroded
masterpiece after damage was done

Jobira and @journeyofdays

thought about the words
decoded
and discovered the hidden meaning

Jobira & @journeyofdays

nothing can be discovered
beneath this wreckage
except
more
ruins

Jobira & @journeyofdays

discovered* life
exists in the shadows
after waking from dreams


Jobira & @journeyofdays

that key you handed me
discovered it does not work

Jobira & @journeyofdays

don’t leave my side
finding this really hard...the being social thing
I know, I know, I was fun..before
talking is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
smell the fear...****, I can smell it
I know, I know, these people are friends
being someone is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
spinning, the room is spinning
I know, I know, ...keep it light, chat, smile
happy faces is hard, they look at me differently, they can see the the
damage
they will s-stare at the the wounds

don’t leave my side
please
please
just h-hold my hand

#thisjourneyofdays

sounds so gentle
slow tearing
agony
torture in slow motion
drift

@journeyofdays

how do we do this goodbye
if you are honest
for just this once
admit
face
the truth that you said goodbye
a long time ago
drift is too kind
euphemism for your indifference
my life no longer on hold


@journeyofdays

lost on a new sea
through necessity
learning to
drift

@journeyofdays

weighed down
ceased struggling
peacefully
old ways loosening
to
drift

@journeyofdays

salt on the breeze
anointing  
healing
letting the mind
drift

@journeyofdays

too long hiding from truths
floating  in quiet water
drift

@journeyofdays

tides not of my making
turning  
horizons
emerging
drift
@journeyofdays

you want to understand beyond the observation
there is more to this than what you see
something more than words can ever describe
it changes you inside
changes the fabric

a test of fire
and it can be unbearably cold
overload of emotion raw and raging
leaving you numb and lifeless
retreating to indifference is a survival plan

do you understand
you need to feel this
words cannot describe
drink this cup and tell me it is otherwise

@journeyofdays

drips
drips
drips
never quite closed
the tap in my head

@journeyofdays

emotion unnamed
yet very familiar
dare not speak it’s name
increase risk of giving it permission
to hang around longer than
well however long this will take
energy builds
clouds start gathering
the armada assembled  
threatening electrical storms
in a rising wave
dragging me under
tumbling
tumbling
over
and
over
lungs burning
screaming for air


breathe now the storm has passed
fix your hair up honey
you look a tad bedraggled
drowning on dry land


@journeyofdays

do the storms end at the coast
will these wounds travel with me as I walk up the beach
do they heal in the gentle sun
can you read and rest in the muted light
I never chose the fight
this cannot be my reward
but I will be expected to fight again …. is victory assured

in a replay loop, an eternal trap
capricious gods this is your ultimate joke
I never chose these elysian fields
this cannot be my reward
fight again …. choose another end, not this medicated swamp

@journeyofdays

you will never see your reflection
in my eyes again

@journeyofdays

shuttered heart
shuttered eyes
shutting you out
walking away again

@journeyofdays

things left unsaid
too much was said
to begin with

@journeyofdays

how long
before I can walk past
and not look

@journeyofdays

end
has come
read the memo
large print
centred
bold


@journeyofdays

can you say when
is it obvious now
the point where we separated heart and head
when the logic of us fell apart
and the differences became stark
now everything we were is dust
and clawing at outrage is sport


@journeyofdays

punches, lies, smears, deceptions
erupt  
and splatter onto the paper here on my table
heavy chunks of blood dark, fringed with greys
hate and sickness ooze from your pores
scenting the mix with sweet rot
stepping back
I close my eyes
only to see yours
and you know, I just painted your soul

@journeyofdays