Im writting to you here becuase I cant in real life,
so here ill say everything I've always wanted to say
and Ill proudly say it with regret and humiliation because I couldn't be
any stronger, and anything bigger to say it to you in person.
ill say that i still think about what we were
and that i only do at 2 am, because 2 am is the time for heartbroken people who need closure and the feeling of infatuation in their life,
ill also say that any other time, I don't think about you because there's nothing to think about,
we had something
but it ended because you decided that having nothing was better than having everything
and you were too scared of having everything
and i was too scared of having nothing .
ill also say that even though i still might love you with every inch and piece of me, i would never want you back
because having you back is like setting my house on fire while im watching from the outside, it would just **** everything inside, but i would be left with nothing.
in the midst of all this saying, i would say how i miss our talks and our jokes, and how it could be anytime of day ill still think about telling you a stupid joke i heard, hoping to hear your laugh once more
to finish off
ill confess how i want to keep you in my life, because with you, even though i still, and always will, have nothing
you gave me
everything.

I haven't written a poem in a long time
I forgot how it felt to find the passion I once had for the words you once said, dripping from the same hands that once caressed you.
I think the reason why I haven't spilled my heart onto the white sheet is because I forgot how to feel,
and now that the blood stained feelings  i had showered onto the pure white paper, are gone,
i miss it
because when they were there
my hands were covered with letters to you.

My mind now is so overwhelmed with thoughts that miss the place they call home
but the place i use to call home isnt home to me anymore,
its your home
now that your gone,
your the only thing I seem to think about late at night,
living in my mind,
im infested with the what ifs and i miss yous I wish i could say,
but thinking of you inst enough to make me throw up the feelings back onto my lap, like seasonal flu,
a flu so strong that it makes you forget who you are and what you were, but after months of sleepless cold nights, laying on a bed of regret and covered with shame, thinking of what it was like to be whole again,
the season has passed and
your only left with the fear that you might catch it again,
the same fear i have
that once i start writing again,
i'm left to catch the feelings i had for you.

and at night, when i get ready for a long night of staying up and no sleep,
the only thing i can think of is you
and i know that sounds crazy because when we first started talking i told you that it wasnt gonna last,
and i told myself that i wouldn't get too attached
but look at me now,
im here
thinking of you every moment of everyday,
attached to the point where i can no longer be me with out you,
to me it doesn't make sense because when i was little i would tell myself i dont believe in love' i couldn't picture myself with anyone
thought of love made me throw up the hope i had for something better,
but man,
when we talked and talked,
i knew that there was gonna be the day
where i fall to hard
and i wont be able to get back up
and nonetheless
that day came
not too long into the best thing that has ever happened to me
and to be honest
it shook me
and i realized
as crazy as it sounds
with out you there is no me

i cant describe the feeling of walking down the bridge , the musician playing the most generic song ever,
but for some reason
at that moment it isn't generic.
in fact, its like walking into an air conditioned room after a long day of being in the hot sun, comfortable.
walking down the bridge felt comfortable.
not only comfortable, it felt right
i
felt right
i felt like i belonged,
the wind brushing my hair,
the sun complementing my complexion
i actually felt like i belonged somewhere
i complemented the sun, the sun complemented me,
i have
b l o s s o m ed
my foot is in front of the other, walking and walking,
it felt like i could walk forever
replaying the moment of serenity in my head making me feel
a l i v e
for the first time in forever

i cannot say what's on my mind,
it wont make any sense
to you,
to anyone,
and especially to me, so
i won't say anything
and you will tell me that it doesn't matter how i say it, it only matters if i do
but when you say nothing instead of ‘im in love with you’ the words will swim down the veins of your lover like poison filling them to the brink of extinction and you will regret it,
so next time think of what to say
and say it or
trust me
it will change the whole game
and thats what happened
the game was changed when nothing came out of my mouth the day you told me i was your universe,
i instantly regret not saying anything,
regret falling like a fruit from a tree that i cannot pick up with my sensitive hands
but trust me
trust me when i say i wanted to pick them up,
with every inch of me, i wanted to be the one that gave you the fruit you ever so desired but i cannot hurt my myself to please you even though pleasing you was the only thing i had ever known
i will not destroy myself, for you, but at the same time i wanted to if it meant keeping you with me
all i wanted was to be there for you but i guess the poison i filled you up with was actually a magnet i had placed in your heart
and you were not attracted to me,
you did not come when i had told you that i picked up the fruit,
my hands bleeding for you
i would give every inch of my being to say ‘im in love with you’ instead of staying quiet
because quiet didnt get me anywhere but here
****** hands, self destruction,
in the sidewalk of you heart catching a ride to god knows where,
my love for you packed in the bags i have,
waiting for a ride that will come soon.

I make things harder than it needs to be.
Its like I enjoy the melancholic feeling every time I think of you
but I don't,
truth is,
I did this to myself,
I was the one who lit up the matches and watched them burn to the end;
flame touching my fingers,
the ever so burning sensation I get when I'm reminded that my own self sabotage let you go.
Its not enough though,
to go back to you.
Trust me when I say that the thing in life I wish I had the most right now would be you,
your hand in mine
but the feeling I get when you hand actually touches mine, the slightest bit, isn't what I expected.
I made it like this
I ruined such a perfectly good thing, and there's no way I'm getting it back.

It feels like forever when I don't see you.
When I don't see the smile you bring and the endless waves that remain around you through thick and thin.
Your hand feels warm in mine and I try to make something out of it,
but it takes a while
and it takes a lifetime before the words that were left unsaid actually leave my mouth;
for the first time, I don't trust what I'm saying.
It's all nonsense like the way I thought we were,
and nonsense like the thing we are right now
But I realize
we.
are.
nothing.
as in we are nothing together,
but everything apart,
and the everything won't make it to the endless waves because what.
we.
were.
ended.
I guess your endless waves didn't match up with the end of my tide
and just like that you became and I didn't and
I'm still trying to comprehend the endlessness that you left and the nothing I have.
When I see you it's like the smile that was on you first comes to me through thick and thin
and the force of the waves isn't enough to push me into the nothing I have and make something with the things I still haven't said
And when your hand touches mine for the first time since you became endless, I smile with the things I have yet to say and the nothingness that I have
and I miss it
but, how can I miss something that was nothing ?

The table sits alone in the dining room of our home
It hasn’t been touched in ages like my emotions by ur spit of lies
that u claim are the truths-
But the truths don’t fix up the cracked edges of the wood like they don’t fix up my thoughts of you.
The table I pass everytime I run to the room where it doesn’t matter if we stay together anymore because everything would be better if you weren’t here,
the same room where your lies tied in with my nonsense had ripped open the walls and the truth caved in once you were completely gone.
The call had described such a sweet serenity
the life of happiness I onced pictured the first time we held hands,
but the realness of your words wasn’t enough to make me drop to my knees and beg you to come back
No, the realness in your words had made me realize how much I hate that table and how much I hate the thought of you