i struggle to believe anyone could
love me, because she
would only return my sentiment
in texts at 3am and on
intoxicated nights where all i
was, was a body for her to hold and
to plant kisses on high;
come morning time
she would’ve rolled over,
eyes closed, faced away.
im glad i never told her i loved her because
it would’ve been a half truth
a confession stained with bitter melancholy

hr.

a slight inkling still remains
in my mind that i can't shift.
i still wish i could be her.
the jealousy can't fade when i
grasp to it with clenched fists

call me darling one more time
and i will run right to you
throw myself into your arms
and betwixt our laced fingers
and flittering glances
shall give you a kiss so heavenly
you won’t be able to forget me

hr.

when you recognise the depression
you can't pin-point it's arrival
unannounced, it crept in

it is the negative space
you cannot put words to it
it is what isn't

i'll let myself fall for you,
sweet apocalypse
proud unshaken sunflower
cream clementine of dawn
cacophony of harmonies.
yours is the sunlight and the joy that day brings
you are the crimson of dusk and crescent of Selene

what is there to life but
pleasure

like smoke sweet and thick
in my lungs,
fruitful wine that graces my tongue and
twirls my mind, laughter
and friendship that fill my evenings
and apartment,
dancing without a care to ryhthms and lovers
with soft lips and solid bodies

hr.

she was autumn
golden brown gilded her temples
lips rolled back over her smile

i wanted to love
like we were gods
at the beginning of the world

but there was something in our
sweet mortality.
i wanted to kiss his temples
and pulse points.
there was something about that
vulnerability,
so human and fragile.
i want to bask in just how
fleeting and temporary
we are because,
it makes our love so sacred

hr.

i spent sleepless nights alone in my bed,
caccooned in white sheets
reaching
for you,
resting my fingertips on myself in an
attempt to mimic what you may do
if you were here.

not out of lust but
longing for you
and your touch,
your presence,
your
scent,
your gaze.

without your body, soft but solid
and your petal-veined skin

hr.

show me your art and i’ll show you mine,
tell me of your past, give me your time,
let me heal your scars with everything that i say,
just hold me close and ask how was my day.

hr.

how many songs you have written
just to get me out of your mouth

i thought we'd ******
in shared breath, hot and sweet
peach lips parted
not in passing one another
silent
avoiding eye contact

no i shan't sit
nor be complicit
i was made to part seas
to create and feel
my purpose is to move
to use these hands of mine to craft
more than you could dream of
because my mind is made of the galaxies
my thought is celestial
and if i feel like it i will build
you a universe
from my fingertips

hr.

summer humming on the wind
lolling in a meadow
intoxicating ourselves with the season

hr.

first there were my brothers
came into the world ******, kicking and screaming
formed into sculpted men
grinning patriots
flag in hand
their eyes rolling at any glimpse of difference

then there was the promised child
the one wanted so dearly
the mute angel
the one with a scrunched nose
masking stims in the corner, seeing the world so violently
became this thing, pushing away the female mould set before them so neatly
the boyish one
preferring the sweet solitude of the garden, pushing tiny feet into soft earth, plucking dandelions and daisies and braiding them gently into wisps of hair,
the academic one,
nose in a book, struggling on the playground,
crying quietly, head full of cymbals
the disappointing one,
something queer and other
preferring to sprawl themselves across their space, untidy and unkept
the brilliant one,
thoughtful and caring, holding their dearest ones close and
loving so so intently

i may not fall for you but
i'll warm the left side of your bed for a time,
soothe the storm

your greatest attributes were in fact
just me!

i’m the rook
that took to my branch,
tree of silhouette lightning,
pecking the pelt off my prey
i’m casting them away for the sport of it.
if i take off,
like how the tide that comes and crashes,
foam and salt spitting,
eventually draws back, retreating back to the sea,
i won’t return in the same familiar form.
thorns for feet, a midnight beak.
i’ll take refuge in knowing you shan’t
remember me
but i’m the rook that pierced you,
strung you
hung you on my tree.

filling my mouth with toothpaste
to attempt to lift or at least
mask the stench of bitter bile
forced up by the continuous wrenching twist
of my stomach into an infinitely
tightening
knot

my old pleasures turn to pain
twist my ankle, make me buckle at the knees
i’m grinding rocks between my canines
i trip up, scuffed up knees
pain roars at the wound
red slowly appears
but all too soon it’s wiped up
bandaged and clean
it scabs in a few days
but the ivory streaks and shadows
those will not leave quick enough

i despise the idea that love is blind
because all it took for me dear
was one glance
and i knew

hr.

i'd lap up an apology like it was saccharine nectar.
i beg for my self-worth to be untied, unscrambled,
unknotted from perceptions of
strangers and eyes, that linger
and push inward, scorching my skin.
Lo i remain,
pensive and fickle
begging to be your humble, healing servant.
Please let me help you. Please let me save you.
I'll dash my own bandages from my wounds just to set yours.
Tell me where it hurts.
I tell you to not think of me, i'm not worthy of the thought.

i am not alone but o
am i inexplicably lonely

im drowning
choking, limbs flailing
pushing to be above
but im not
im choking
limbs flailing
im drowning

i always feel it at the front of my mouth
almost say it casually
but i’ve never said it aloud
but dear god do i want to

you are an addiction i can’t shift
i dream of you
and i wake to complete and utter emptiness

i fell for you in autumn, saw your gold soaked hair and presence everywhere,
the leaves turned crimson and honey,
the sun cascading through the woven branches,
i loved you in winter, cold days spent wrapped up in wool and cloth, bundles of scarves and shared umbrellas, icy winds nipping at our laced fingers,
i waited for you and spring, short eternities going by just so that i could see you again, breathe you in, hold you and feel home.

and to believe that i,
after only a
handful
of months,
have fallen
truly and
unmistakably in love
with
everything about you

hr.