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hxzin Feb 24
first there were my brothers
came into the world ******, kicking and screaming
formed into sculpted men
grinning patriots
flag in hand
their eyes rolling at any glimpse of difference

then there was the promised child
the one wanted so dearly
the mute angel
the one with a scrunched nose
masking stims in the corner, seeing the world so violently
became this thing, pushing away the female mould set before them so neatly
the boyish one
preferring the sweet solitude of the garden, pushing tiny feet into soft earth, plucking dandelions and daisies and braiding them gently into wisps of hair,
the academic one,
nose in a book, struggling on the playground,
crying quietly, head full of cymbals
the disappointing one,
something queer and other
preferring to sprawl themselves across their space, untidy and unkept
the brilliant one,
thoughtful and caring, holding their dearest ones close and
loving so so intently
hxzin Feb 22
and then i'm sitting there
in some grey waiting room
with those same old chairs from some office catalog
waiting for my name to be called
and then I'm there telling a stranger about
how i was exposed to it at the age of 6
wanted to **** myself by 7
because the numbers on the box were too high
was told my friend was ***** by 12
wished she would just be put out of her suffering by 13
outed and excluded by 14
and about to commit by 15, cold and alone

and then rather apathetically
things moved on
i grew up
and it weighed me down less
but it still sits there at the back
like dust you just can't shift

now i'm sitting here with my fingers crossed
that they'll sweep it away
and things will keep moving on
even apathetically
massive tw sorry! brain empty but so so so full
hxzin Feb 1
i always feel it at the front of my mouth
almost say it casually
but i’ve never said it aloud
but dear god do i want to
hxzin Jan 15
i struggle to believe anyone could
love me, because she
would only return my sentiment
in texts at 3am and on
intoxicated nights where all i
was, was a body for her to hold and
to plant kisses on high;
come morning time
she would’ve rolled over,
eyes closed, faced away.
im glad i never told her i loved her because
it would’ve been a half truth
a confession stained with bitter melancholy

on being used
hxzin Jan 13
my creativity died with me
like a lamb at the slaughter
cutthroat, warm thick blood running
i sacrificed it for normalcy
for fear of rejection or for anxiety's sake
i dont know
but now i am but a shell
of the full person i once used to be
every ounce of difference drained

sometimes i wonder who i would've become if i hadn't washed over everything i once was in order to not fear judgment. but at least im not as anxiety-ridden as i once was, right?
hxzin Jan 13
show me your art and i’ll show you mine,
tell me of your past, give me your time,
let me heal your scars with everything that i say,
just hold me close and ask how was my day.

  Jan 13 hxzin
And I feel so like the ocean,
Pulled into you like the moon.
I have this gravitation
Where I can't seem to let go
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