The distance is fading
Along with my vision
And youth.
I remember the moments
When I was with
You.
I feel scared
Getting older
And knowing
Each day
Brings me closer
To you.
I'm not sure if you are real
Or if you are a comfort
Or if you've been tricking me this whole time.
I want to know my purpose
And my meaning.
I want to know yours, too.
I want this all to make sense.
Who are you?

You don't care about this as much as I want you to,
And I don't care about you as much as you want me to.
So, I think it'd be fair
If we both disappeared
And took some time to recollect.
And at the end of the day,
When all the hurt drifts away,
And the stars no longer weep for our kisses;
We'll end up okay,
And throw this all away,
And maybe meet again
Another warm summer day.

Look into my eyes and tell me it's alright.
Hold me by my heart and tell me I'm alive.
I don't know who you are,
And you don't know me,
But I think about you and that time we saw all there was to see.
I'm sick of the weather and I'm sick of these people.
I'm sick of pretending I don't care when I don't see you.
Take me by the hand and guide me to the light,
Or push me on the bed and say goodnight.

You're getting to know the back of my hand
While I'm getting to know the shape of my heart
As it violently presses against my sternum in a uniform timing.
It is dark, but I know your eyes are glancing down at my pale hand,
Flushed pink with the cold,
icy wind that angrily rushes through the window to our right.
No one has ever shown this much interest in my hand before,
And I know that sounds strange,
But it is comforting to know that someone other than me can appreciate such things.
I am an artist, and my hands are my gateway to the world,
They are the messenger,
The communicator,
And without them I'd be lost.
Hands tell stories,
They create,
They destroy,
But they can make beautiful things.
So let's make something beautiful and destroy it.

The sun casts light through my windows, making little shapes on my floor.
I stare at them and wonder if I'll ever be fascinated with anything else again.
Stress pools down on me, and I feel damp and uncomfortable
Knowing reality will soon hit me like a bus as soon as I sit up.
You left last night.

It's so easy to remember in times you will forget.
I'll surely forget our tears and forget our mutual fears and all of our regrets.
I'll forget about you at times and you'll forget about me,
But maybe we'll be happy.

Run and catch your train,
It's leaving without me.
I never thought the day would come
When reality hits,
And we all grow up.

Soft couches,
***** carpet,
Tobacco flavored breath.
***** stained shirts,
Soft lips,
Desire for a body to hold.
Stumbling,
Falling,
Crying,
laughing.
Walking,
Talking,
Driving,
Smoking.
Kissing,
Missing,
Wanting,
Wishing.
Hazy lights,
Blurred signs,
Mixed signals.
Jealousy,
Empathy,
Anger,
Joy.
Wooden walls,
Drunken calls,
Dark areas.
Wet grass,
Dry laughs,
A night dedicated to my birth.

Routines are the mind's way of playing tricks on you.
And when you reach a point of breaking, a point of severe uncontrollable emotional damage,
The damage, of course, inflicted upon you by yourself,
Will suffocate you and in the process, proceed to shove you against a wall without any last words.
And in that moment, you feel like crying,
But you know, that there is no point in crying anymore.
There is no point in pondering, no point in asking, "why?"
You will find that you, yourself are nothing but a mere fraction of the mammalia kingdom,
With nothing but processed emotions, fake attitudes, controversial peers, and material objects that mean absolutely nothing to the outside observer.
You are nothing but a stupid monkey with "designer" fashion,
Nothing but a human with this bizarre concept of love that masks the lust you feel deep in the night as you crave someone's arms around your broken body.
You are nothing but a victim to life and all of life's offerings.
I am nothing.
I am minuscule.
I am a victim to society,
A victim to pop culture,
A victim to perfection,
A victim to succeed,
A victim to wealth and prosperity,
A victim to living in its own,
But most importantly, I am a victim to my own mind.
And that, I feel, is the single most cruel thing that could possibly happen to myself.
There is no point in success without a driving force pushing you to succeed,
And if I were granted success with no specific driving force then why should I be granted it?
If I worked for hours just scraping the surface of some magical discovery only to be brought down with negative feedback,
Why do I fail?
Why do I fail constantly?
Why do I tell myself that I am smart when I do nothing to prove so?
I am nothing but a victim to my own mind,
And the only escape is to die.
I am nothing.

It looks like we must say goodbye to the restless nights and the rebellion I grew so fond of.
I must gain a sense of composure and come to grips with what's ahead, I guess.
It's hard to move on after all that has happened.
It's hard to move on, at all.
So Summer, do you think of me when the nights turn cold and your brain wonders into the dark places of your mind?
Or am I tucked away somewhere far, never to come back around until next year?
Because I think about you all of the time.
About your warm embrace,
Your bright eyes,
And most importantly your smile.
But I smell change in the air, now,
And there's no reversing time.
I can sense you trying to stay.
You even cried today.
But Summer, it's time to move on.
So let's pack up our things,
Say our goodbyes,
And keep our memories on a shelf somewhere.
Let's let them collect dust,
Let our bicycles rust,
And pick up the pieces again
On a cold evening
When I miss your smell
Will you remember me?

I long for the heat and the rain and the green
Of the leaves as they blow in an August breeze;
With that smell of fires, and propane, and smoke, and the ocean
And the excitement of children when the fireworks light the sky.

I crave the affection of a carefree attitude,
The utter perfection of love and appreciation.
I want to listen to the sound of the days passing by
And hear my life be completed by each passing moment.

I want to lay in the grass and notice the sky,
Not for the color but for it's incredible height.
I wish I could forever remain in the clouds,
But I will surely shoot back down once September comes around.

And nothing comes easy anymore.
No words in my mind can form into sentences,
Just as the victim struggles with her words as the man dressed in black holds a knife to her throat.
She knows what to say, but she just can't stop the image of her head falling off her body from playing in her mind.
so with this thought I decide to check the time
Only to see that it is limited
and I can't formulate my thoughts into readable words.
I want the word to understand the beauty inside my mind,
Before this man decides to dig his blade into my skin and end my life.
I can see humanity suffocating under the hand of technology,
With nothing to save us but our minds,
But our minds are flooded with misery.
So will we be saved or is this damage already too thick?
Is it time to be content with this lack of air,
Or should I request to have my throat slit open
To make up for it?

Break me down for I am broken but I've been built up again.
Your strong force has held me up through the storms and the wind.
It's been a terrible hurricane season and I'm glad the sun decided to come out.

Oh love, you are mistaken, you are the sun itself.
You're the fortress that surrounds me,
You're the thing that's keeping me around.

Run me over because I'm falling and I'm not sure where I'll land.
My heart has been cut out of my body and has been placed gently in your hands.

Oh love, you are the world.
I would not harm you and if I could,
I'd set myself on fire just to feel your pain too.

Trace the outlines of my hands on your back,
Take me with you when you leave.
I want to be the whisper in your ears,
I want to be the wind blowing in your hair.

Follow my footsteps when I go home so you can follow me to my bed,
Take off my clothes and explore the fields inside my heart.
Take off your shoes and stay the night
I need you by my side.

Oh love, you may not know it but I am a fool for your eyes.
The way you smile reminds me of warm summer forests,
I could explore it for hours on end.

I love you,
Goodnight

It's hard to believe every word that you said, every lie that you fed,
Was nothing but ******* and lies.
But day after day, I observe the way
You respond but never try.
It's hard to believe I actually thought everything you said was true,
But how could I not, all I ever wanted was you.
It's a story that's been said, that's been stuck in my head,
Over and over again.

Over and over again I fall for you.
Over and over again I cry for you.
Over and over again I pray for you.
Over and over again are we.

Give me your attention, spare me your time,
I need to know someday you could be mine.
Minutes turn to hours, days to weeks,
But somehow when I'm with you, I cannot speak.
Why is it that I can't tell you how I feel?
When this awful situation is such a constant ordeal?
Are you playing games, am I insane?
Why is every word constantly replayed in my brain?
Maybe you just don't like me, or maybe I'm not worth your time,
Over and over again,
I question if you're mine.

That my whole word fell apart.
Before I went to bed though, I realized something, too.
I'm honestly in love with you.
They say love hurts,
And there is indeed an ache in my heart,
As I proceed to imagine a life without you.
I have been in love before, once or twice,
But this is something I cannot describe.
For I am familiar with the feeling, with the aching, and the yearning,
But this feeling of doubt and insecurity is new to me.
Is it that you are too perfect for me?
Possibly, I am just not used to be treated the way I deserve to be.
There is no sacrifice,
There is no misery,
There is no sadness,
I only feel fright and happiness.
Fright because I am scared one day you will realize how perfect you are,
And that you will walk away, just has everyone before you.
Happiness because you truly care about me and love me,
And I am ready for whatever hell comes before us.
And for me, that is saying a lot.

I had a dream we were scuba divers.
We floated through life like nothing could hurt us.
We're all running from something, I learned.

I had a dream we climbed mountains.
We sat at the top and looked at the world from above.
We laughed and choked and felt our lungs close.
We're all afraid of dying, I learned.

I had a dream we were astronauts.
We said our goodbyes and floated in the sky,
Looking down only to remember that time
We were scuba divers.
We're all afraid to let go, I learned.

I had a dream you left one day.
You packed your bags and I went to your house.
We hugged and promised to keep in touch
And that I'd visit at least once a month.

I had a dream we grew up.

We lie in two different ways.
Sometimes we lie, and we lie well, and never get caught.
Other times we don't lie as well, and the lie gets revealed,
leaving the truth.
What I've learned is that when our lies get revealed, we obviously didn't lie as well as we could have.
This maybe is because we are bad liars, or because subconsciously we wanted the truth to be revealed.
We are all liars and cheaters alike,
But the truth is always there
Haunting us
Until revealed.

I will never be able to be there for you,
And that is the single most tragic thing
I will ever know.

It comes all at once,
Like a bullet to the head,
Or a pill to your bloodstream,
Or water from a faucet.
And when it happens it hurts,
Like bright lights to adjusting pupils,
Cold water to a warm body,
Or a sharp object to soft skin.
Reality.

People are changing,
And aging.
The weather is, too.
So is the sky, and the earth, and the science that revolves around us
Spitting theories and numbers and equations and pictures at us to remind us how small we are.
The forests keep diminishing and the skies keep polluting and the ocean continues to grow
As the ice keeps melting and the animals keep perishing as our minds continue to grow.
And I look around at this small town and think about its origins and the moments it has seen,
And I wonder why it is some things stay the same.

Every step you take someone else has taken at one point in time or another.
And if it's the first, someone else will step in your footsteps and not give a **** about who has stepped there before.

Someone told me once that you die twice:
Once when your heart stops beating,
And again when your name is said for the last time.

So here I am, standing before the world on a stage for everyone to see;
Pouring my heart out to a group of people who I may never meet.
If every word and every thought I produce means something to you,
Just remember,
It means something completely different to me.

Why is there a difference between different and unique?
Because both sound pretty strange to me.
If I was called either one, or both, I think I would be equally as insulted.

Why are there different seasons which each one containing a different mood?
Did anyone ask Autumn is she minded being unacknowledged? And what about Winter, Winter is often neglected too.

What is appreciation without passion?
What is passion without love?
What is love without kindness?
What is kindness without appreciation?

So what happened to harmony with every living being?
Because if you ask me, it seems to have disappeared.
Humans are not much different than a tree,
Other than the fact we can see.

But trees can see far more than we,
For they feel every single thing.
Humans have a tendency of erasing the feelings and emotions that they dislike,
But without those feelings, how can we appreciate?

Maybe these people who are outcasts labeled "different" and "unique", whatever the difference in them may be,
Maybe they know something you don't.
Maybe they know more about the trees.

I've never had butterflies;
Nor have I feared goodbyes,
Or constantly questioned if my hair looked just right.
But I can't deny the way you make me feel.
It's like sand being collected in a bottle,
And over time it begins to overflow,
And the emotional bliss can no longer be contained.
It is so soon, so soon to be feeling this way.
But I have never felt this way before,
And I've never been more sure,
That I'm falling for you.
I've never had butterflies;
But when I'm with you
My heart splits right open,
And the sweet nectar of the rose where my heart is,
Attracts all the wonderful monarchs of the world.

I want to live my life in every perspective.
I want to feel the emotions and the pain of every single person.
I want to enjoy the world through my eyes shining through the light of another person.
I want to love this life unconditionally.
I want to see the world.
I want to feel it all.
I want to feel at all.
I want to feel.

What it's like
To be every type of person,
In every single town,
In every single county,
In every single state,
In every single region,
In every single country,
On every single continent,
On every single planet,
In every single solar system,
In every single galaxy,
In every single universe.
I want to know what it's like to be you.

If I knew that may have been the last time I saw you,
I would have held my eyes on you for so much longer.
I would have appreciated the way you walk, and the way your eyes shimmer even when the sun is hiding behind the clouds.
If I knew that may have been the last time I held you,
I would have held you so much tighter, and never would have let go.
Not even to look up and stare at your face.
If I knew that may have been the last time I was with you,
I would have said everything.
I love you.

At the start, we just had so much in common, I really thought i meant more to him than I did.
And seeing as that I'm not really distraught about us breaking up,
I guess he didn't mean that much to me either.

And I learned that after loving myself, loving others was more enjoyable.
Despite the hate dwelling inside us,
The memories burning holes in our chests,
And the kisses soon forgotten.
Always forgive,
But never forget.

I’m sorry but I’m actually going to begin reevaluating my life. I need to buckle down, and just get things straight for once. I can’t continue wasting my time with pointless, mindless things. I need substance. I am going to improve academically and just **** all social insecurities. I’ll be out of this town in about a year, I can handle a year of solitude. I find it easier that way, anyways. So, I’m sorry for being a ****** person. But I’m not going to apologize for anything anymore, because if you don’t like me, don’t like my concern, don’t like my emotions, and most certainly don’t like the person I’ve become, then I don’t think you are worthy of another apology.

I’m sorry but I’m actually going to begin reevaluating my life. I need to buckle down, and just get things straight for once. I can’t continue wasting my time with pointless, mindless things. I need substance. I am going to improve academically and just **** all social insecurities. I’ll be out of this town in about a year, I can handle a year of solitude. I find it easier that way, anyways. So, I’m sorry for being a ****** person. But I’m not going to apologize for anything anymore, because if you don’t like me, don’t like my concern, don’t like my emotions, and most certainly don’t like the person I’ve become, then I don’t think you are worthy of another apology.

I will hold your heart until it stops beating
And I will remember your name even when it ceases to have meaning.
I will love your face when it grows older
Even when your skin grows colder.

I remember the day I fell in love with your smile
And the day it was us against the world for a little while.
I remember smoking cigarettes and being so nervous
About smelling bad and how the nicotine controlled us.

I know that we kiss and I know it means something,
But I cherish the moments in which we say nothing.
I remember the day you went away, and we tried not to cry but the tears came anyway.

And I know you love someone else and so do I but if our paths ever cross I feel I'd be ready this time.
What we have is nothing that anyone can understand,
But I constantly crave your voice like music from our favorite band.

We are simple as rain as a tree,
Excuse me for repetition, but there's nothing to see.
We are in sync and need each other more than we could ever know,
And I'll love you forever I could never let you go.

We spend our entire lives trying to find ourselves.
We already know ourselves, though.
We live with ourselves each and every day,
So how would we not know our identity?
Our journey in life should not be wasted trying to uncover hidden parts of your mind.
In fact, you should take what you're certain of and enhance it in any way possible.
Find what makes you happy, and become passionate about it.
Find your passions.
I am passionate about my life.
I know who I am.
However,
I have yet to find the one factor that gets me up each morning.
I've decided that if I were to die soon,
I wouldn't want to not know what hit me.
I'd rather die slowly and painfully,
So I can feel my last bit of sensation before all control is lost.
I want to feel each part of my body shutting down, and I want to feel comforted by it.
I want to look up at the light and tell it that I'm ready.
I'd rather that, than feel nothing at all.
Because how can you die with passion if you die afraid?

I feel as though I am being lied to
And that every motive and every action of my life
Is not real
Is it that life is unfathomable
Or is it that
I am going
Slowly
Insane

Take my hand and take me away.
Show me thing the things I never will truly see.
I want to see the way you blink, the way you breathe, and the way you fix your hair after the wind gently messes with it.
As my presence gently messes with your mind.
Sometimes I wonder if passion is real,
Or if we're all pretending to be obsessed with activities that don't even matter.
Maybe in the end we all die miserable.
I want to know where the sun is.
I want to know how you see me.
I wish to see the way the stars glisten in the fields in the middle of the country.
I just want to know if the sun sets the same way that it does here.
You have no ocean;
How do you breathe?

The silence absorbs us, as drunken bodies connect
And I feel my judgement slip from my head, and to the floor.
I feel passion overcome me, as my heart is racing, telling me to slow down.
But love is a force that drives me crazy, and at this point there's no control anymore.
And at the time it seems right, and my heart feels fine,
Knowing that you are mine as long as we last.
But there will be a day, when my dreams slip away,
Like how my judgement slipped to the floor.

The snow can't hide your ashes
It can only bury them if you smoke the night before
So if I smoke in the morning, it's going to show.
I tried using it as an ashtray,
But the evidence was visible.
I felt bad for tainting the beautiful white glow.
I fell in love with the landscape,
Even more so when it was covered in white.
I fell in love with you face,
Even though I don't know where it's been.
I fell in love with the footsteps,
Walking to where I stand.
I fell in love with the rooftops,
And the people who let go.
So if I use my lungs as an ashtray,
I know my body is covered in snow.
I can use perfume to cover the evidence,
But only time will let me know
If this morning cigarette was worth it.
If the messages were worth it,
I'll probably never know.
So if you see my reflection,
In those snow covered hills,
Just remember it when my face was white and pure like the freshly fallen snow.
I can't keep falling
For people and landscapes,
But I can keep trying
If my lungs can withstand it.
So take my voice and remember it
For all that it was.
Take my heart and keep it
Away from the cold.

Maybe we are poets
Maybe we are doomed
Maybe we are determined
Maybe you're my muse
Maybe I'm a dancer
Maybe I'm a lover
Maybe this is more
Maybe this is less
Maybe I was meant to hold your hand
Maybe I'm just dead
Maybe we kissed
Maybe we messed up
Maybe this is something
Maybe I'm sick in the head
Maybe I'm in love
Maybe I'm confused
Maybe I'm just searching
Maybe I've been lost
Maybe I found comfort
Maybe I did not
Maybe we're meant to love
Maybe we're meant to break
Maybe this will make sense
Maybe I'll never know
Maybe it'll be okay

I'm intoxicated.
This evening is magical.
But I cannot remember my name.
Who am I?
What is this life?
Who says I live while I watch others die?
I do not understand the higher power that dropped me here.
Why me, of all people?
Why should I stay here and watch others suffer, when I cannot do anything to help?
I just want everything to be happy.
It is Christmas morning;
I do not want gifts,
I do not want magic,
And I surely do not want snow.
I want peace on this earth,
And I want to know that death is something accomplished,
Rather than given.
Like a letter, of acceptance,
Rather than a letter of sentence.
I want the world to know that I love it.
I want all the people to know that I care.
I want the universe to know that I'm ready for it,
To take me away,
One soft summer day,
And to know,
Everything is okay.

I found that realizing you have to move on is about as tragic as becoming sick of your favorite song.
You still feel inclined to listen to it from time to time,
No matter how much you know you don't want to or need to.
It's upsetting and unfortunate, but you just to pull through it,
And live a life without music for a little while.

I have learned that the earth is a beautiful place.
It is full of mystery, color, uniqueness, and vivid, lush life.
I feel honored as an individual to experience this world with a human mind and capability of thinking.
I feel blessed to be a human and able to fully comprehend my thoughts,
And reflect my feelings upon others,
In order to hopefully influence them to appreciate this knowledge as well.
However, as much as I feel blessed,
I do also feel disgusted and upset,
That the human race as a whole is capable of so much destruction and violence.
A majority of us are sick minded, and not capable of experiencing love for anything but themselves.
We must look past this thought,
And appreciate.
As living beings we must only appreciate and love,
And then we will gain full happiness.
As humans we can feel beautiful emotions,
Sense beautiful sensations,
And think of masterful things.
We can feel with such a vivid capability and yet none of us take a moment to actually appreciate that.
Humanity is beautiful, if we make it.
Humanity is disgusting, if we make it.
All my life I have appreciated the world and the universe with such an intense power that I have forgotten to appreciate myself.
I am hoping with time that I will be able to see that I myself,
Am a beautiful world within this world,
And finally be happy.

And I need your lips right now as much as I need something in my blood.
I drown my pain with temporary fixes,
But maybe your arms are what I need to fix this.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me,
I am losing sight of reality more and more,
As each day progresses
The older I get,
The greater my stress is.
I'm not sure who I am,
Or what I'm supposed to be,
But if I'm next to you,
I feel like me.

We always walk through rain trying to get under something to avoid getting wet.
We do this in life also.
We rush along, holding things over our heads, and try and take cover.
We never bother to stop and actually take in what's happening around us;
We're too busy trying to not get wet.
We never stop and understand what is actually happening and say:
"What a wonderful combination of hydrogen and oxygen molecules falling from the sky!" Or
"How amazing is it that my skin repels the water?"
Instead we curse the rain, and call it ridiculous.
But every once in a while, sharp darts of
reality will come and slap you in the face,
Reminding you of the season,
And how you're way too early for your next class,
Or that you need to be somewhere in 5 minutes and you're 20 minutes away,
Or that he stopped loving you after a while.
We try to avoid such thoughts because we know reality is painful,
Just like fall rain on warm skin.
We can try to avoid reality for the rest of our lives, and never accomplish a thing,
Or we can come to terms with the fact that if we step outside we will get wet,
Allowing reality to soak into our coats,
Making us cold for the rest of the evening.

Nimble fingers break apart green stems
And I watch them as diligently as I watch him
Twirl ebony strands between his fingers
Nervously
Anxiously
Waiting.
I'm waiting for your call and he's waiting for his texts
And I'm questioning reality as my pink nicotine fingers type words
That stream from my broken mind
It hurts tonight.
Teeth tell stories and lies
And I realize I am unlovable.
Not because of you,
Or the others before
But because I am unloved by myself.

Skinny necks hold sturdy heads
Blonde hair covers red scalps
Scratched and torn apart from stress of deadlines and tests
He's not on your mind right now.

I take drags knowing they blacken my tongue
Making my words unrecognized even by myself
And I wonder where I am and when I should be home

We all want more
We need less
This world is something with answers that I feel should be left unsaid.

Stories told by tainted hearts
Questioning myself
Questioning my heart

You are the relentless force crushing and bearing down on my fragile shoulders
You are the shivering that remains long after being outside in the cold
You are the sweat that gets in your eyes after pleading that the room would just cool down for a moment
You are the dollar missing from my wallet when I go to order a coffee at the local cafe
You are the lost hours of sleeping catching up with me as I wake up each morning
You are the plague that haunts my mind
You are the shroud over my eyes, preventing me from seeing what I should
You are unnecessary
You are pointless
You are harmless
You keep me up at night
You make me dread being awake
You are crippling
You are me

And I think about you from time to time
What you are possibly wearing and sometimes what's on your mind
And I wonder if your eyes still shine as bright.
It's hard to believe I was ever yours and that I was magically enchanted by you in any way.
You're kind and you're gentle
You're smart and you're subtle
But you're naive and you're selfish and I let it slide past.
If only I knew back then that you'd seem so silly to me now
With your goofy smile and your drunk texts and your late night calls.
It's not that I don't miss you,
Because I do.
I just don't think I need to admit that to myself right now.
So if you're there and you're thinking about my hair or my crooked teeth or my vacant eyes,
Just know I'm thinking about you only sometimes.

I'd tell you I love you but I'm not sure if it will hurt me,
To open up like a window and let all the insects fly in once again.
For it took a while to get them out.
I do not like the chemicals from the fumigation,
And I surely don't like having these organisms inside of me.
But there is something about this weather we're having that is very tempting.
I feel myself letting go of all fears and inhibitions,
I feel myself opening my windows.
So if I let you in I know you will hurt me,
And if you come inside I know I might hurt you.
I might close the window while you are still flying in,
Snap you in half and nearly **** you,
But I at least let half of you inside.

The skin on my head is peeling off,
Revealing every one of my thoughts.
I feel open,
Exposed,
I have no where to go from here.
I'm lost in a world full of despair,
Every night I try to not pull out my hair,
But there's always something telling me to worry.
I feel so alone in a cave of open arms,
With places to go, lights to see, arms to touch.
So if you're reading this know that the space where my heart is hurts,
And that I never had much to learn,
And that the empty space in my chest is filling up with blood.
One day I'll get a knife,
Cut open my chest and expose my insides,
And show them why love is something that goes away with time.

Emotion provokes me,
Passion demotivates me,
And love desensitizes me.
But today, I let myself break down.
I let the tears break free from their restraints, and flow freely, and they ran
Down my cheeks, fast and urgent, like they desperately needed to meet my chin for the first time.
And I realize how fragile it is, how fragile I am, how sad life really is.
I feel
Real.
And this isn't something I've felt in a while.
Why is it that the thought of losing something so precious to me, makes me feel alive?
Why is it that I believe I need you, now?
The words keep running out my mouth, as I spatter these thoughts out loud, as my tears follow in unison.
Flowing,
Like energy,
Like the blood in my feeble veins,
Like the students passing through halls,
Like cars on the freeway,
Like life.
I am flowing, pushing effortlessly through some invisible current that I have been fighting against my whole life.
My tears, however, have reminded me that I am still moving.
No matter how much I have tried to halt, no matter how many times I have attempted to stop,
My tears have reminded me.
I am flowing,
I am breaking against my restraints, and meeting life face on for the first time in my life.
My anxiety has clouded me from reality for too long.
So thank you, Sadness,
If that is your name.
You saved me from going insane, tonight.

I have so many passions,
But I contain no passion to pursue them.

The sky is pastel, and makes me feel happy,
Although my day is turning more and more upside down as the day progresses.
I am so unaware of who I am and what contains me,
Yet I am so sure that I am who I am supposed to be.
Adolescence is a dumb thing, because it causes me to lose sight of things I was often so sure of.
I hold my future in an unsure hand, trembling as I begin to feel my fingers wrap around it,
Not yet obtaining it, but most definitely acknowledging it's existence.
I cannot see it, for I am standing in the road with a blindfold on,
Looking like a complete and udder idiot, holding out a shaking hand as I struggle to grasp onto some undefined object that controls my every thought.
I feel embarrassed, and I feel dumb,
But people do not notice me.
They are doing the same as me.
Everyone is standing out on this road, with a blindfold on, as they attempt to grasp onto this foreign object that shapes their every motive.
Some people grasp this object fully, and accept it for whatever texture it obtains.
Others, like me, are failing to fully wrap their fingers around this object.
I am blind, you see, and I can't tell if this object, my future, is large, or so small that I can barely see it.
I cannot tell if there is a car speeding up behind me, rushing through stop signs and yields and red lights,
I am blind.
I can't tell if this car will decide to hit me or not.
I cannot tell if this object will control me for the rest of my life.
I cannot tell if someday I will overcome my fear of the object, and drop it on the floor like I should.
But for now, I stand here, holding it out in front of me, letting it control my every move like I always have.
And I sit here and I realize why it is that I write about myself more than I write about anyone else.

And these years turn into moments as I see my memories fade
Just as the smoke from my lips slowly wisps toward the ceiling;
Hazy, and seeming to slowly deteriorate as they venture forth.

As moments once seemed so vivid and real
I see them vanishing before my eyes in a cloud of bittersweet nostalgia
Never to return but only in those blissful moments when the smoke just barely releases from it's hold in my lungs.

And if I were to remember this moment as my fingers translate my thoughts into words,
Maybe I wouldn't feel so sad.

So maybe we were meant to break each other's hearts,
Tear down our walls and rip ourselves apart.
No matter what it it's not going to end easily,
It's going to bring us to tears and leave us in a pool of misery.

However, I can promise you,
That no matter how terribly or beautifully this plays through,
I'll always be here for you.
I'll never do anything to hurt you.
And with that said, you may call me pathetic,
You can say I'm sick in the head for doing something like this again,
But heartbreak is okay.
We should never feel hopeless because we are human,
And we are able to heal no matter the circumstances.

So if I ever hurt you or if you destroy me,
Just know it's going to end beautifully.
We are merely flowers in a field of hope,
Sometimes the sun doesn't shine on us,
But that shouldn't make us not grow.