My heart was once a butterfly flying youthfully through the air.
It did not care, it had no scars, it had no burdens, it had no strain.
One day this butterfly became curious, and danced around a black flower.
This flower was tempting, it's name was Love.
Love was poisonous.
Love sickened my butterfly, and it almost perished.
Eventually, the butterfly woke up. It picked itself up, told itself it was fine, and ventured forth, only to be knocked down again.
And again.
And again.
Because this Love was everywhere, and the butterfly no longer knew how to ignore it.
So it built a fort as tall as the sky, and hid behind it for a long time.

One day the flower flew over the wall, and landed beside the butterfly.
The butterfly couldn't quite tell if it was Love or not, but it felt content.

That was the day I met you.

Jealousy is a prison,
That encloses you in shackles,
And locks you in a room.
The lack of trust flows through my veins like adrenaline as I struggle to break free;
I slam my head against the brick walls hoping someone will hear me.
I cry for help but it's like screaming with your mouth closed,
As I drown in my thoughts, and overthink my misery.
The prison walls grow tighter around me and I begin to close my eyes,
As I pray for the days where I can see the light.
Jealousy is something that can tear you apart.
And for me, it's a prison I can't get out of.
I was born without the ability to trust,
So I weep to myself hoping I will get out.

I am sick of myself and all of my problems.
I am sick of my lack of ambition.
I am sick of my overwhelming need to do the wrong thing,
And the lack of the need to do what's right.
I am sick of sitting here and writing these stories,
About a life that has grown so boring.
I am sick of the weather and how it changes.
And I am sick of my desperation;
However,
I enjoy the smell of spring and the smile on certain people's faces,
And I guess that's enough for me.

You are essential
Like water that needs to hydrate dry bodies
And nourish growing trees.
I need you like the earth needs the sun
And how the moon needs the earth
And how humanity needs oxygen.
I thirst for you
Like a carnivore thirsts for blood
Or how she thirsts for pulls
Of cheap ***** on Monday nights.
You are the droplet of water running down the car window
As I look outside I barely see you
For I am mesmerized by the lights and the charisma
Of night.
Eventually as the sun begins to rise,
Waking the earth with her essential light
I notice you resting on the window.
My hands are very dry,
So I roll down the window
And rest my hand outside
Feeling the cool drops of you
Quench my need for love
That I feel I'll never fully
Receive.

I have never met one so broken,
So raw,
So completely exposed.
But, maybe that is only because I have found my way beyond your steep walls.
I have somehow dug under, or floated over, one method or the other,
And found myself here staring at someone I have never seen before.
This girl was important and she seemed very sure,
But something in her eyes told me otherwise.
So I stared and I cared and pretended to listen as she told me the truth from start to end.
And at the end of her story, I found that misery was not only found in her eyes,
But that her eyes were mine and I was seeing myself
For the first time.

People are different, but yet they're the same,
With their forever entitled and fickle brains,
With their struggle with commitment and baggage they bare;
Secrets are always afraid to be shared.

You tell me you want me and you show it too,
However, I can't get a hold of you.

Revelation sinks in,
Like poison.
Calming at first, then
Turning violent,
Harsh,
Painful,
And sad.
You do not want me anymore, and the elixir of your love ceases to cleans my brain.
For now I am vulnerable, left out to die,
Without your sincere words of encouragement,
How will I survive?
How will I learn to move on, when all I wanted was you?
How will I recover from death, as this venom slowly kicks in?
How will I reverse time, and stop myself before I saw you,
When your soft blue eyes met mine,
The world stopped,
Just one time.
How will I make you change your mind?
There is no reversing death, though.
And change occurs without a jury telling it not to.
For the poison has almost knocked me unconscious now.
So please, before I go,
Know this,
I hate you.

The trees echo my desire for nourishment.
They are weeping and shedding their leaves,
Breaking down slowly and preparing for the cold months.

Music is playing in my head as we walk these narrow streets,
Experiencing youth and lust like it was just our method of speaking.

I am only a tortured soul searching for a purpose,
but I know that here with you is somewhere I should be.

This is my life and I can't escape it,
So if I miss the train, I'll take the next one.
You rest your head upon my shoulder and smile,
It let's me know that you love me,
It let's me know you understand.

If it were up to me I'd kiss your head and tell you that you are beautiful,
But unfortunately, as a tree, I cannot speak.
The seasons come and go as they please,
so I'll just sway in the breeze hoping someday you'll climb me again.

Don't be concerned with creating a legacy.
Don't be sad when your name is forgotten, just as peace and the motivation to do great has long past in the world.
Along with the striving taste to go against society, and be your own.
For nothing is no longer present in this world.
Nothing is permanent,
Nothing matters.
So if you live your life only trying to get your name in a history book,
good for you.
But it is not about your name, or your legacy on the world that matters.
For it is the impact on yourself that makes the difference.
Because you could strive to accomplish a task that changes the universe,
But inside you are crippled with misery.
However, you may choose to live that way,
And believe that somehow living a miserable life but leaving a mark is what the purpose of your being was.
But for me,
I would rather be happy, and allow everyone around to me to know that I was happy with myself when I perished.
And that, I feel,
Would make all the difference.

I don't speak my thoughts, I only write them down,
Only because I can't speak out loud.
When I speak, I stutter, or barely make a sound.

-speaks my thoughts-
"I don't like that."
"No, you're right. I'm sorry."

Loves sees no boundaries,
Love sees no limits,
So why is it that I feel my heart quit?
Every so often, I feel so alone,
And I feel myself close,
And become a body
That no one can hold.

Maybe we're meant to deteriorate
Break apart and wash away.
All we are, and all we'll be is a story anyways.
And when that story is no longer told
We'll just be a name on a piece of rock,
Left underground to rot and deteriorate
Just like we were always meant to do.

Everyday is the same.
I feel darkness and terror with the unknowing of life,
Uncertain of what I stand for, and what my purpose is.
But I feel that is normal, for a girl of my age.
With so much to offer, it just seems surreal,
In fact, nothing really feels real.
I wake up in the morning, quarter to 7,
And the one thing on my mind is, "Is this worth it?"
I think, "Is what I do even adding up to something?
"Is this life I live, a life at all?"
And I smile,
Because it does not matter.
Nothing matters, really.
You make me happy, and I like you.
And I like how I feel when I'm with you.
I like how it feels being in your arms,
How it feels when you talk, and I can feel the vibration of your voice through your shirt.
I am certain of two things,
I will die,
And I really, really like you.

There is a flower inside of you.
There is a light inside of you.
There is nothing you can do
to stop it from shining through.
That one night,
I said it was alright,
So we dropped every concern on the ground.
I never gave you my heart, and I'm not sure if I have yours,
and if I do, do not worry.
I will water you and hold you and tell you it's alright.
I'll show you the ways, make us forget all the pain,
And remember that strange summer day
We drove to the sea.
So take my hand,
I'll show you the ways,
And we'll build a castle out in the forest.
You'll be okay,
And so will I.
Life is just funny, sometimes.
Let's just settle our roots,
Take off our shoes,
And remember that there's a flower inside of me, too.

I hope you know that you are beautiful.
You are a small flower, in a field of weeds.
You will bask in the sun, and quiver in the night,
Hoping for affection that never comes.
And you deserve it, you do.
And I'm sorry he broke your heart, I'm sorry you're upset,
But please feel better, flower.
Let the rain sooth your wounds.
Let your friends water you with kind words, and unconditional love.
Grow to your fullest potential,
Because your smile puts those weeds to shame.

Your lips were a pinch of color smeared on a blank canvas
And I wanted nothing but to find the exact hue.
I clung to you like the know is clinging to the branches,
But I'll melt away eventually.
Your voice was like the melancholy tone of my old guitar,
I adored the sound but I always wanted more.

You and I, we are like cups of water.
People drink us when they need to feel clean,
They drink us when they need to feel satisfied.
They use us in recipes and to cleanse their bodies.
But never are we their favorite drink.
You are the water to my body.
You make up 75% of me.

There is a haunting contentment with the idea that Death will greet us someday.

There is something wrong with my brain.
I constantly tell myself to do the right thing,
But my ideas are irrational and my words are not words;
They are pictures carved out from memories my mind has somehow stolen.
There are spiders, and creatures, and storms crashing through my mind,
And there is no moon in my head that can control this tide.
So I sit here and watch myself rot and go insane,
As I constantly wonder what's wrong with my brain.

And I found that sadness isn't a gradual process.
It's instantaneous, like a cold wave of salt water flushing you under,
Drowning you for a few moments, and you're in shock.
You ask yourself, "Am I drowning?" and, "Is this really the end?"
And then you begin to panic.
You cannot see, for the salt burns your eyes, and you aim blindly for the surface.
Your lungs feel heavy, suddenly,
And you begin to lose your breath.
And in that moment, you reach the surface.
The surface isn't promising, for it's a blinding, white light,
And your eyes have a difficult time adjusting to the light.
They may never fully adjust, really.
And then you wish you had drowned,
Because for some reason the water changed you,
And you cannot fully learn to breathe,
And your eyes never fully adjust,
So you're stuck being this numb, blind, asthmatic person for the rest of your time.
There's no going back either,
Once you're hit, you're hit.
It's not a gradual process.

I do not need
Anyone
But myself.
Thank you for trying.

The rain has been coming down for days,
And I feel safe.
I am becoming my own, and beginning to accept the unknown that captivates my simple mind.
I over analyze and drive myself insane, but I have some deep routed feeling that through my hardships,
I will be okay.
As if this purge was some sort of release of fear,
Because a burden has been relseased off my crooked shoulders.
I feel genuine happiness,  knowing you care.
That's all I ever wanted, I guess

My lungs ache
For the comforting embrace of
Fresh air, and relief,
And slumber.
But it is far too late,
I am trapped under water,
And I cannot see,
Nor hear,
Nor breathe,
Nor speak.
But I can surely taste;
So, I try and ******* blood and grow familiar of
It's humanly reminder that I'm still alive.
These days have been tearing me to shreds
And I no longer have a voice to shout out for help.

I breathe you in slowly, attempting to grasp this moment to its fullest extent.
Your skin smells like home, and you know that I know,
I don’t ever want it to end.
Your eyes say that you’re in love, and your smile says it too,
And when your glance meets mine, I know that the feeling is true.
You are sad and you’re scared and you can’t understand,
That I am too.
But when our worlds collide and your eyes meet mine,
You won’t want it to end.
Your voice is like heaven your heart is like mine,
Beating faster and faster as my hand passes by.
And the hours turn to minutes and your face meets mine,
And you understand we don’t want this to end.
Our bodies connect and suddenly we are complex,
Figures just balanced in time.
And when the end is the end,
And your thoughts suspend,
Understand that you’ll always be mine.
Your heart is a cave I have buried myself in, and darling,
I don’t want this to end.

You told me we were a movie,
But we were more than a 2 hour scripted piece of art.
I remember the willow trees and how they'd weep over us when we felt like weeping, too.
I remember the sunsets and how they came around 7:30 pm,
Now the fickle sun sets at 4 pm.
I remember the girl who told us we were beautiful,
In her own way
she was a sign of the great perhaps before us.
I remember desperately wanting to kiss you,
Even though I reserved those moments for the late nights we were intoxicated
when you somehow made your way into my arms every time
And how our lips would accidentally brush against each other,
softly,
And innocently.
I can't help but realize that you must have known how I felt
And how much I wanted to hold you.
Or how when you rested your head on my shoulder that one morning,
You definitely could hear my heart skip a beat.
So maybe if you're right, and if this is a movie,
You've chosen to end it.
Or maybe you've decided your character has moved on,
Leaving me alone under the shade of the willow trees
With my cigarettes and 4 pm sunsets.

The end

This is the air that smells like the leaves that start to decay.
This is the crumbling of stones as the ocean crashes into them day after day.
This is the rush of the wind that messes up your hair.
This is the smile on your face as your friend speeds up around the curve of the road.
This is the laugh that escapes your lips as you feel yourself let go.
This is the pure joy and excitement of teenage rebellion.
This is the sad truth that hits you after a long day.
This is the dread and anxiety of coming back to reality.
This is the migraine you wake up to the next morning.
This is the squinting of your eyes as you attempt to stare at your phone in the middle of the night.
This is the worry that he might never call back.
This is the warmth of your family's love.
This is the comfort of knowing everything will be okay.
Enjoy the little things.

Someone once told me that when you crave something, it's your body's way of telling you that you need it.
So tonight when I crave your presence, I must need it.
We have crossed universes before, telling each other stories without using words;
Sharing secrets between the lips and bed sheets.
I wish I could tell you these thoughts and how your lips still seem foreign
However many times they meet mine, they still seem forbidden.
I wish I knew the secrets you keep, even though I can taste them in my dreams,
And the rare times they escape out of your mouth.
However, I have difficulty distinguishing your words.
I often see you in my dreams, confessing every thought and every concern in my being,
But you just whisper that you love me,
As if you're haunting me.

This feeling
Is unfamiliar
Yet so right
It hurts
But not painfully
But joyfully
And I can't muster words

To tell you
How I feel for you
How I taste you
How I can't resist

You
Are something
Else

And I feel it now,
The rushing guilt, the sickening doubt,
The feelings I never wished to feel again.
And words are sprouting, growing, and shouting, from their captivity inside my head.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, I'm not sure where I'm going,
I know that surely I am growing,
I know that rhyming is nothing
But a pattern.

So if everyday was a challenge,
And every breath was a risk,
Why does humanity continue to live?
As these thoughts absorb you, and these questions envelope you,
Into some foreign core.
I will continue to nourish some unknown object,
The unknowing of what is to come.

And if I were to personify every action and every word,
Would I drive myself insane?
Because bringing feelings and emotions into your eyes is surely something I cannot seem to obtain.

Do you notice the drifting?
Do you recognize the time?
Do you often wonder about the first time you saw me?
Because I think about you often, and the small things.
Like the feeling you get when you see the rain.

There are millions to billions of emotions associated with every word of this sentence.
Am I the one to judge how you feel,
When I can't even uncover the meaning behind my words?

The moon comes out eventually, as it's rival forces her out.
She sits there while the night surrounds her, making her cold and anxious.
"The Earth is a cruel place," A distance star whispers as she suddenly appears in the night sky.
The moon looks at Earth, her distant cousin and shrugs.
"She seems alright to me." Replies the moon.
"What do you mean?" The star asks.
The moon sighs and responds, "The Earth isn't the cruel one, Star. It's the people she made. Those people, her children, are destroying her from the inside out. They aren't even aware of what they're doing."
The star looks at the Earth and then back at the moon. The moon struggles to remain composed as she sees her cousin get eaten alive in the nightlife.
"Maybe you should do something." Says the star.
The moon sighs and replies, "There's nothing I can do, it's too late."

I am young.
I am free.
I am music.
I am me.

I hear silence.
I see dark.
I taste sadness.
I can break your heart.

I am human.
I am scared.
Life is precious.
Life is rare.
Breathe it in,
Remember you're here.

Memories fade
As fast as sugar dissolves in my tea
And I feel myself do absolutely nothing about it.
I'm caught inside myself, some deep, silver trance,
And I can't crawl out of it.
Because I see you leaving, with the storm,
And the clouds are dry heaving because they don't know what else to do.
Should I prepare my goodbye, or should I hold on tight,
To someone I hold dearly in my heart?
Stories are Stories,
And love is love,  whether it's young or naive or both.
So if this is a novel,
A big detailed adventure, of my story and of my home,
How do I tell, if this chapter is long,
Or if it Is merely a page long?
I cannot tell, and neither can you,
So we are forced to sit on the frozen grass,
Remembering and forgetting the past,
And realizing nothing is sure.
So I plead to rest my words,
Silence my tongue,
Before the cold comes.

You're with me because you want to be.
I'm with you cause I need to be.
You're with me because you feel apathy.
I'm with you because I feel empathy.
You hate me,
I love you,
You kiss me,
I hug you.
Please let me know that you want this
Because I'm losing my grip on the handle
Of the door
We opened
When we first met.

I want to be wrapped up in the arms of someone I love.
I'm not sure who,
But they look and smell a lot like you.

This is for every time I opened up and every time you didn't care
Every time I tried asking what was wrong and you pushed me away
Every time I fell down and you didn't pick me up
I had to do it on my own, does that make you sad at all?
Every time I supported you and barely supported me
Every time I never hit ignore and every time I stayed up staring at my phone waiting for you to text back
Every time I felt betrayed
Every time your eyes stared another way
Every time I felt neglected and ignored, and I did nothing to stop it
Every time I should have said something but I didn't
Every time I just waited and waited for you to say something meaningful
Every time you just didn't understand me
I tried making this work
But you chose to ignore me
Once again.
This is for the the time I chose to walk away.

And just like that,
you were gone.
Like a whisper in the dark,
Or a flash of light,
In a dark field
Where no one saw,
But you.
And just like that
It didn't hurt
The pain I felt was only relevant when your presence touched me
Scraping the surface,
But never truly touching my heart.
And just like that,
I realized,
What we had wasn't real,
Raw,
Or passionate.
And just like that,
I am whole once again.

Sadness is one hell of a drug.

There once was a girl named Yesterday,
She feared Tomorrow,
and hated Today.

The warm water feels hot on my cold hands as I rush to erase the memories of the day behind me.
I can try and forget time by doing such mindless tasks, but when I look in the mirror I am reminded of my life,
And how this face is stuck with me for eternity.
Will I still like myself when my skin is no longer vibrant and youthful?
Because I see smile marks beginning to form and I am displeased.
Will I still walk through this town 30 years from now and understand my ever growing anxieties?
Or will I reflect and shake my head at how utterly idiotic I was?
Only time will tell and at the moment I can't decide if that's comforting or terrifying.
These places have seen my mistakes and regrets and my moments of bittersweet happiness
And I wonder if they will continue to remember my legacy.
We will all be forgotten and life is a lost cause,
But if I learn to accept this maybe I won't be so bitter.
However, to become content with such a thought is something I don't think I can ever be.

People are naive and simple and I feel as though I am complex and unreachable.
If you were a field of daisies I'd be the ****,
Criticizing you all and feeling complete envy.
For you all dance through life's wind like it's beautiful and kind,
While I shiver in the dark and forever pray for some spec of light.
A tree has grown beside me and I have become so cold,
Making warm water impossible to hold.

And I'll admit I don't really like the rain,
Despite the beauty of it that people speak about.
I don't find it all that great.
I've been lying and trying to understand it's warmth and
Embrace the cold droplets that somehow singe my frail skin,
But whenever the world cries I can't help but feel sad.

Must we all lie and claim that these tears bring joy?
Because when I see her cry I don't smile and call her amazing.
I feel myself cry a little, too
And realize that she is in fact beautiful.

With this I realize we live in a world of lies.
We lie about our feelings,
Our experiences,
Our tastes,
Our professions.
We lie about religion,
And expressions,
Knowledge,
And passions.
But sadly enough we lie to ourselves about these things and give ourselves headaches,
And look outside just to see we're not the only thing crying.

I guess maybe there's something wrong with me,
Because no matter how hard I try I can't seem to hold something for too long.
And I mean I guess that makes sense literally too, because when given something physical to hold,
I become aggravated, and drop it.
So maybe this is a test, or maybe it's a game.
But, either way, I don't know if I'll like the results.
You are a subject, in which I find difficult,
And no matter how much I inquire about help,
I still do not understand you.
I believe that is what drew me to you in the first place, though.
So I pray to some god I don't think exists,
Telling him that I need to sort out my ****,
Because if I set this one down, I swear on my life,
I will not ever forgive myself.
You are precious,
You are rare,
But somehow I feel like you're barely here.
And as the days go by, and progress into months,
How do I know that you'll stay?
How do I know that you won't set me down, like I have set down others?
How do I know what you do in your free time?
I cannot question your motives, because I know I will be disappointed.
So I sit on my *** and count the days until you notice
I'm falling apart.

Your hands are on my mind
The way they move and
The way they stay fixated on my spine.
The way they make motions and gestures,
Use utensils and cause pleasure,
They are one of a kind.

Your eyes are on my mind
The way the see the world and
The way they can see into mine.
The way they flicker back and forth
And look directly on the floor
In moments of discomfort,
They are one of a kind.

Your laugh is on my mind
The way it engulfs the room and
The way it stops time.
The way it is so genuine and nice.
It is one of a kind.

You are on my mind
The way you haunt my thoughts and
Make everything seem fine.
The way you pull me in and let me go
Like there's something to say or maybe
Just something I should know.
You are one of a kind.

You are the sliver of navy blue in my crimson and golden colored sky.
You might not be very noticeable, but without you the sunset would not be complete, and I could not properly transfer it onto a canvas.
You are the warm sun on a fresh spring afternoon.
I don't particularly like spring, but the glimmer of light is enough to put a smile on my face, and it may even make my day a bit brighter.
You are the mint after a cigarette.
Small, refreshing, and relieving.
You are the warm breath on soft skin,
The goodbye after a long day,
The hug you've long desired.
You are the sunrise, **** the sunset.
You're new and exciting.
You are the first droplet of rain.
You are the mistakes, the compromise, and the solutions all in one.
You are promising.
You are possibly the most magical thing I have ever seen.
You are possibly what I need.

And stubborn,
And somewhat self absorbed.
But you're gentle,
And careful,
And difficult to ignore.
So why can't I call you out on your annoying tendencies?
Do you feel the same way about me?
Do you rest your head on your pillow, and reminisce on the times we had?
Do you ever believe in fate?
Or that someday we can escape,
From this world we've grown too fond of?
Do you read between the lines,
And figure out my lies?
Do you ever cry?
Was there a time you fell in love,
With the simplicity of,
Something you can't describe?
Will you ever hold my heart,
Inside your arms,
And for once, tell me it's alright?
Because I can't forget the days,
When your face was not just a face,
But something so wonderful, I just could not describe.
Or will there be a day,
When all my dreams slip away,
And the home I created in your bed,
Will no longer be a home,
But a shallow hole inside your head,
Making you remember the times we spent,
Rather than forget?

To be strong
But I am only just a seed
Struggling to grow without a hand to water me.