You know those nights?
The ones when you’re driving alone in the car and the radios playing old songs like
               “Dust in the Wind”, Kansas
               “Come Away with Me”, Norah Jones
You know, those ones?

and there’s this feeling of loneliness
                                             sadness
                                             emptiness
but they aren’t bad—
Just Comforting
it reminds you of a rainy day

as you drive you can see into the windows of the houses you pass
they stand out against the pitch blackness
    the smothering darkness
    the wool blanket that covers your head when you’re cold

stars shine soulless white
which contrasts with how you feel
but it’s nice

and you know you can’t touch it
you can hardly imagine its vastness
                                           its endlessness
                                           its infinity
all you can do is ponder
    ponder the midnight navy blue sky
    ponder the peculiar comforting houses and what they do inside

Do they laugh?
Maybe they're watching your favorite TV program?
a child could be crying, or trying to stifle laugh
    Maybe their mother is asleep?
    or baby brother?
Perhaps no ones home?
they just forgot to turn off the lights

You will never know
Although you can ponder
                                 dream
                                 imagine
                                 wonder
                                 think
and you want to go inside

Perhaps... its best to keep driving

The world is full of
           Inequality

No matter where you look
No matter what they say
The world is full of
           Inequality

It’s said that fire can destroy anything
           if it burns hot enough
           if it burns long enough
even if that anything is as tenacious as steel
because steel melts
and it can be bent to my will

I am fire
I will burn
I can bend the world to my will

The world that’s full of Inequality

Because I am a woman
Because I am resilient
And no one will tell me otherwise.

For years
I’ve kept it down.

It’s a
         pillow over mouth
         blanket over head
         Duct-tape and Gags
sort of feeling

Because I’m ok
    (they have to think im ok)
    (i dont know why but they have to)

It’s been
               Building
               Boiling
               Burning

               music in my ears
               words at my fingers
               Ties and Shackles

I have to be ok
    (if i tell myself that it has to be true)
    (i dont know why but i have to)

Really I’m Fine

then she told me
        - Maybe you should talk to someone?
        - I mean maybe... Ill be fine tho
        - Trust me, thats what I thought too
           but I did, and you kno the story better than anyone
        - If I find time then I guess so
        - Yus! I’m glad. Itll be goooood for you

Too bad my schedule’s full.

It’s fine
I’m fine
    (this hasnt been enough of a problem)
    (its been ok up until now)
    (this has always been there though)

why do I feel like this though?
              What do you guys talk about in that chat?
              Why do you like me? I’m a *****...
              Haha it’s not stupid! Why don’t you like it?
              *******!
              I make myself laugh more than I do others.
              Is this normal?
              HA!! Oh sorry...
              I’m a very self-aware person, self-reflective. It’s hard to explain...
             What? Is that stupid?
             Haha... yeah...
             im sad

I feel weird...
Why do I feel weird?
    (it isnt good. whats wrong? somethings wrong)
am I normal?
can someone help?
What am i doing wrong? whats wrong...
    (its not ok)
           im sad

I just
Want
To fall in love
With my best friend

But I'm scared
Of the consequences
And how
It would affect
The other people
I hold dear

-----------------------------------------------------------­

I've never been
One to have
Crushes
In fact
I always thought
Myself weird
For that very same
Reason

Until I met you
That is
Until I fell for you
I no longer
Thought myself weird

What is weird
However
Is our double helix dance
Of flirtation
And friendship

Constantly either moving
Toward each other
Or away
Drawn together
Or apart

It's so weird
To me
That I still keep
Crushing
On you
For its entirely
New
Yet so
Old

Hopefully soon
Our dance can end
And we can
Just be honest
With ourselves
With each other
And finally kiss
In the middle

I've grown so accustomed to this numbness.
It spreads through my body
like wildfire
consuming dry skin and chapped lips.
It overtakes all of me, fills my being
from stomach to heart and
eventually my mind.
It begins to feel like brush on the forest floor,
stale and easy to catch
but quick to burn up.

------------------------------------------------------------­---------

Our ship is sinking
so quickly.
Blink and you miss
all the little moments we could have had
that you failed to see.
Your blindness and My complacency
like cannonballs
punching holes in our vessel
and me in the stomach.
You don't even seem to care Captain.
We're patching up a sinking ship with bandages
but it won't stay afloat.

I love you so much
in my heart of hearts
Know that.

One of my greatest fears is losing you
and sometimes I feel the time has come
      too much distance
      too many differences
that you're ready to leave

Not many things make me
     as sad as that does
Very few things bring me tears
     like that does

If I could make you feel
the physical sensation of
I love you -  I would.
It's visceral

I feel my heart warm up
knot in my chest
and in my throat
butterflies in my stomach
and tingles on my skin
Only just begin to explain it

I love you
with every fiber of being
Please
don't give up on me

Shout out to the fact
that I wrote my D&D character
to be everything
I've ever wanted
I've ever hoped for
I've ever imagined
for myself

Now I'm quite literally
living vicariously through her
and finding myself wishing
for what she has
rather mourning what I don't

It's probably not healthy
how invested in her I am
how obsessed
how utterly disappointed I am
that I'm not really her
I want to be her

What was the last thing we did
together?
as a family?

I genuinely can't remember
and it breaks my heart
like our broken family.

Was it baseball on the television
sitting together in the living room?
Was it dinner at the table - no
it's been years since we've done that.


Come to think about it,
maybe TV dinners were the wedge.

Dad traveled for work
every week we'd see him 2 days.
Mom got her masters
and ran the house, working full-time.
I... I was too lost in the tidal wave of high school
too blind to see what was happening. Until-

Freshman year of college I felt it. Without me
there was nothing to reconcile mom
as she fell out of love and into independence.
Plus dad was out of work and at home, of course
that only caused the boiling *** to overflow. Now-

Dad's all alone
         and
Mom took the cat
         and
I'm living 9 hours away from both

the house goes on the market in January
but mom moves out in December
and in January I need to apartment sit the cat
while mom travels for work

Welp
You did it.
You made me cry.

It’s been so long too
    so long
I was doing alright —
    shoving stuff down
    because thats what im good at

But this uncorked a whole bottle
    of my Grade A Premium Tears—
    youre welcome by the way
    theyre nice and aged
    i know its your favorite drink

I wonder if you even know—
That you made me cry...
and if you do, then are you gonna apologize?
    because ive got stuff to do
    that wasnt just an excuse
        So... I mean, that wasn’t really called for.

I wonder how long you’ll take
This time.
    its never been that long before
    itd take longer if it was genuine
You’re good at saying sorry but you never mean it.
    youre like the opposite of my last one

Usually it’s, “I’m sorry, I love you, I know I’m a ****.”
And I say, “It’s ok, you are but I love you anyways.” —
    because for some reason i do
    i dont know why
    i probably shouldn’t, you really are an ***
    but like... youre hot
    and im *****
        So—
        I’m 95% sure I do love you.

I wonder if it’s you who made me mean?
    or if it was them
    theyre ***** too
Maybe I was always mean, and you brought it out—
    i wouldnt be surprised
    i can be a *****
        That’s why this is a problem anyways.

I do know
You made me cry
It’s been so long.