Ellie White

Ellie White Apr 2015

when you're forcing yourself to forget them

Some days, when the skies turn into dark, steely greys, and the rain pours down like the Gods are weeping, I make an effort to pull out the dusty box in the back of my closet. Within it, are memories that are better off forgotten. Everyone who has ever been a part of them, think that these ancient artifacts have been long destroyed, reduced to rubble, burned in fires too bright and strong to survive. However, these items, these photos, these ancient pieces from another era, another time, another life, are reminders of just how far I’ve come. I can pull out a hoodie, deep red, the colour of my blood on my sheets after you left and wrap myself in it to find comfort from the storm raging outside my window. You see, these memories are some things that may be better off erased and destroyed, but every once in a while, when the fragility of life is made apparent, you need to be able to pull out a dusty box, filled with belongings of your seventeen year old self, young and in love, fearlessly taking on and navigating the bumpy roads, of holding two lives in your hands, and working tirelessly to blend them together. You’ll fall in love again, maybe you already have, but you will never fall in love for the very first time again, and it’s important to physically be able to hold that too hot summer in your hands; where the weather only allowed you to sit by the water with the air conditioning on full blast, playing songs on a hand burned CD, talking about the future like you had a clue of what it would bring. It’s important to remember what being naïve and infinite was like. It’s important to be able to remember him. It’s important to let yourself remember him.

#love #heartbreak #young #writing #heartache #musings #seventeen #gettingoverit

Ellie White Feb 2015

promises

I remember lying with you, tears streaming down my face. It was the first time that I ever begged you to stay, the first time that I ever let you see how much I needed you, the first time I ever let you see the deep fear within me. You looked me right back in the eyes, wiped the welling tears from my cheeks, kissed my nose and promised that you would always be there. I guess thats why, after we ended, you never stayed gone. When I yelled at you to please, leave me alone, you begged me to please, just calm down, let you stay.

months and months of back and forth rooted in one promise kept to this day.

#love #heartbreak #promise

Ellie White Feb 2015

Phantom Feelings

Please stop coming back,
When you don’t stay for too long,
I can’t take seeing you,
But not seeing you there at all.
My heart still longs
For the feelings you used to give it,
It still searches for home,
Even though home is not in you anymore.

My hands are still searching
For the feeling of yours holding them,
For the intertwined fingers,
The squeezes of love and reassurance.

My mind is still wrapped up,
In sleepy three a.m’s,
In mumbled “i love you’s”,
In sighs of happiness.

#love #heartbreak #poetry #night #ink #late #writing #spilled #prose #breakups

Ellie White Nov 2014

Round and Round

Round and round in circles we go,
Like a merry-go-round,
The spinning never stops,
We are never on the same page,

Round and round in circles we go,
Chasing each other like a game of tag,
You run too fast,
I can never catch up,

Round and round in circles we go,
Play hide and seek,
I am an excellent hider, I do it so well,
You can never find me,

Round and round in circles we go,
I guess we are both to blame,
They say not to search for love,
It will find you, just stay put,

Round and round in circles we go,
I swore I would stop writing about you months ago,
But muses are a rare commodity,
You’re still buried deep in my thoughts,

Round and round in circles we go,
Just stop turning, stop running, stop hiding, stop pretending,
Come back, wait, please,
I promise I can love you better.

Muses are a rare commodity

#love #heartbreak #ex #on #breakups #moving #boyfriends #long-distance #girlfriends #muses

Ellie White Nov 2014

Life Tracks

One step forward,
Two steps back,
You don’t make it,
It makes you,
Luck is for the dreamers,
I am becoming a realist,
Take off the mask,
Wipe away the makeup,
Brush your hair,
Stare at your face,
Who are you?
Are you the face you apply each day?
Are you the persona you carry?
Take a good look,
Stare at your eyes,
Brown flecked with green,
What do they want to see you do?

Wash away the day,
Scrub away the thoughts of doubt,
Reassure yourself that you have got this,
You have to have this,
No one else will have it for you,

Curl up and try not to cry,
When did you miss so much?
Try to get your life on track,
But what track, which one?
Don’t pick paths which will lead you back to people,
People are never constant,
They change like the weather,

Fall asleep,
Don’t rest though,
Have your mind plagued with thoughts,
Let the past crash down around you,
You could have done things differently,
You could have saved that,
Why did you care so much?
Why did you put them before you?

Wake up,
Let the mask reform,
Plaster on that smile you get compliments on,
Day in day out,
You are a better person,
Not knowing what kind of person you really are at all.

(e.m.w)

— Sometimes I hate myself. Most of the time I hide without knowing it at all. (Ellie White)

#love #heartbreak #life #doors #on #decisions #moving #goals #tracks #paths

Ellie White Jun 2014

I Am Proud Of You

You have no idea, how much I wish that I could take the pain away,
And replace your teary eyed nights,
With peaceful dream filled sleep,
My heart breaks, when I answer the phone to your tired voice,
Which is full of fear that you cannot shake,

I want you to know a few things,
I have told you them all before,

You are stronger than a million warriors charging into battle,
You posses more knowledge than the smartest people on the earth,
You are worth more than what people tell you and make you think,
You have wisdom beyond your years,
You have felt more pain than anyone should ever feel in their lifetime,

But you are a survivor,
Overcoming every hurdle with grace and dignity,
I don’t believe in a God,
But looking at you navigate life with such grace and pushing fear aside,
Makes me believe in you the way some people believe in a higher power,

You serve as my inspiration,
The person who I want to please with my success,
You are everything I want to be,
Because you,
Although scared, and frightened,
Have created, moulded and navigated your way to a place,
Where even though, there are still scared, tear-filled nights,
Is the right path and place for you to be.

―
Ellie White

Dedicated to my best friend.

#love #heartbreak #friends #tears #scared #loss #friendship #night #late #personal

Ellie White May 2014

Home

Ever since I came back to this place,
Where street signs and neighborhood parks,
Mark first kisses and an entity of first moments,
I have not been able to be at peace with myself,
Because every time I turn a corner in this hometown we experienced first love in together,
I am reminded of times and events which have been packed into boxes labeled
“Do not open, avoid at all costs,” in my mind.

I don’t want to remember the significance that these places hold anymore,
I don’t want to be constantly reminded of what event happened where,
I can’t be home here,
Being home only makes me long for you,
Which I find the perfect irony in,
Because the only place I have ever truly felt at home was wrapped in your arms,
Parked on the side of this suburban road, looking out over street signs and neighborhood parks,
On hot summer days,
Like today.
(e.m.w)

I moved home from my first year of university to the hometown where I first fell in love and being here without him to love is driving slightly insane because I am always reminded of a moment that occurred this time last year as I walk these now empty streets of nostalgia and the past.