Ellie White

Ellie White Apr 2014

I still try to wash you from my life,
my body,
my mind,
I still take all my clothes,
my sheets,
my towels
And put them in a wash with too much detergent praying that this time,
You will not be there anymore,
That your scent which I know faded months ago,
Will be erased from my memory.
I still smell that ******* hoodie which sits folded in my closet,
Like it did,
When it,
When I,
Waited for you to come back and
Claim it,
Claim me.
I still smell what I used to when I burrowed my head into your chest,
And get hit with a wave of nostalgia,
Breathing deeper than I ever had before,
Because you taught me what breathing felt like.
Because you showed me that I had never known what air in my lungs felt like before
Because I feel like there is water in my ******* lungs and I am gasping for air daily.

[This will never be finished. I have nothing left to say. There is nothing left to say. This will be added to the collection of unfinished work which will never see the light of day again. Because we all need to give up on something in this world. And I can't give up on you as easily as you did to me. So I will give up on putting my thoughts on a page with some grace and delicacy and fluidity that moves perfectly. I will give up on that]

(e.m.w)

#love #heartbreak #breath #art #thoughts #you #me #nostalgia #breathe #writers #block #memory #air #unfinished #smell #chest #lungs #wash #fluid

Ellie White Apr 2014

Trace

I wish that I could have one more night with you lying next to me,
That way, when you trace the path from your heart to mine,
I can memorize the path that your hand took,
I can know where in my body my heart is located,
That way when you deem my heart,
Not good enough,
And my mind is telling my terrible things,
I can still trace my way back to my own heart,
And be reassured that just because you rejected my heart,
Does not mean that I must reject it as well,
Because it still serves a purpose for me.

(e.m.w)

#love #heartbreak #heart #good #thoughts #mind #night #fingers #you #me #path #he #left #lying #purpose #reason #pattern #trace

Ellie White Feb 2014

Burn

I drank a little too much tonight
Until I could feel the blood in my veins being replaced with a foreign substance
A substance which replaces sanity for insanity
and pain for numbness

I drank until I could feel my head swimming
Until something shifted within me,
Until there was nothing but sadistic thoughts

Every sip made me shut my eyes,
Feel the burn of the alcohol slide down my throat,
Feel the way that with every sip,
I lost the feeling of being lost more and more.

With each sip, your name became more and more clouded,
and the dates special to me faded more and more from my mind
With every sip, I cared less and less,
Because I began to feel nothing but the warm sensation rushing through my veins that you used to give me,
In the form of something much more toxic.

But like every substance that feels good as it courses through your veins,
There is always a price to pay in the morning,
And as the buzz and warmth that the alcohol provided slowly fades away,
It is replaced by what I had been smothering,
But like every time you smother the pain,
When it finally returns,
It returns more ferocious and vivacious than before.
emw

Ellie White Jan 2014

Someday

I hope someday you stumble upon an old photo of us together,
Forever stuck in laughter, looking at each other,
Unaware that the photo was ever being taken,
Too involved in each other to hear someone say:
“Say cheese”
I hope that you wonder,
If I still drink coffee like it is a form of blood,
Or if I still make pinky promises because I believe that those can never be broken,
I hope you wonder,
If my favourite thing to eat is still grilled cheese,
Or if I still love midnight phone calls,
Or if I am still the same insomniac I was when I was with you,
I hope someday,
You stumble upon an old picture of me,
My eyes looking at you,
Forever smiling,
Because in that moment I loved you,
I hope some day,
You wonder about me,
And how I am doing,
And if I ever wonder about you.
emw

Ellie White Jan 2014

Eight to Eighteen

I remember the first time I slept next to you,
Your body creating a silhouette underneath my sheets,
I remember thinking how odd it was,
That we could go from eight and needing a stuffed animal,
To eighteen and needing another human being to put us to sleep.

I remember the first time you kissed me,
Your lips on mine sending silent messages,
I remember thinking how odd it was,
That we could go from eight and our parents kissing us goodnight,
To eighteen and craving another human beings lips on ours.

I remember the first time you held my hand,
Your fingers intertwined into the slits between mine,
I remember thinking how odd it was,
That we could go from eight and our mothers pulling us by the hand across the street,
To eighteen and feeling loved and protected by another human being,

I remember the first time we ever fought,
Your words cutting through me like a knife,
I remember thinking how odd it was,
That we could go from eight and being taught only to say nice things,
To eighteen and using words to hurt another person,

I remember the first time we broke up,
Your actions, words, and events ringing in my head,
I remember thinking how odd it was,
That we could go from eight, and creating fairytales,
To eighteen and feeling crushed and unwanted beyond belief. emw.

Ellie White Jan 2014

Counting Fingertips

I used to count on my fingertips,
All the days which we had spent together,
The numbers grew and grew,
And each month, I was so surprised by how many days,
We had spent talking to each other,
Then, at midnight on the 9th you would call me,
And we would talk, and talk,
And remember,
And plan,
And then you would yawn,
Tell me that you love me so much,
And say:
“Good night Goof, I’ll talk to you tomorrow,as always,
I love you so much, you mean the world to me.”
The smile on my face would be enough to put me to sleep,
The sweetness of your words swirling in my head like a lullaby.

Slowly, without warning, you began to slip away,
But I still counted the days,
And for every new day that I counted and fell more in love,
You slipped further and further from me,
And more into your new world you had built,
There was no place for me,
No matter how many times you denied it.

Two months after I lost the privilege of calling you mine,
I still sit here on the eve of the 9th,
Counting my fingertips,
Only this time,
I am not counting the days which we have been together,
I am counting the days that we have been apart,
And there are no smiles,
Only tears streaming down my face.
emw

Ellie White Dec 2013

Letter

For our anniversary I wrote you a love letter,
Because we were apart and couldn't be with each other,
So I wrote down all my feelings, in a neat little story,
And told you about how you changed my life for the better with all your glory,
I sent away the better part of me,
So that it could remain in your humble hands until we could see each other again,

But somewhere our wires got crossed,
And you decided that it was too much,
So you ended things with me before the better part of myself I had sent to you got there,
I wondered for weeks, had you opened that letter,
And sometime after I forgot about it, I heard through the trickle of friends,
That my love story to you still sits in its envelope, gathering dust in a dark corner,
And you have not opened it to see my words that I had crafted together for you,
You have not opened all my hard work, and my dedication to you,

I know that my letter, and the better part of me, is sitting somewhere out of sight,
And I know that in time, when you don't care anymore,
You will stumble upon it and dispose of it without a second thought,

But all that I ask of you,
Because I know you will find this,
Is that you open that love letter, and see what I was wishing for in time,
See my words and my penmanship, crafting together, everything that I was unable to tell you,
All that I ask of you, is for you to open my letter,
And finally release the better part of me,
Because I have been wandering through these unknown halls,
Waiting for her to be released.

EMW.