I have never understood
why people gravitate towards light
when it blinds the eyes that cannot adjust
when it can be traitorous

how long have they taught us to reach for light
to reach for a hope that is not really there?
how long have we been fooled that it is purely good
that it will be the salvation of all?

I have found more comfort in darkness
for it does not choke the life out of the shadows
for it does not parch the lands with its severity
for it does not deprive

and i do know
that with darkness there lurks an evil
a doubt that traps you in its embrace
a danger within the shadows

i have been so afraid of such a love
so afraid that they will cast me out because of what i want
for it is not what they dream of
for the shadows are their fear

but i will stand by it
because in darkness
i have found the cure
for the unending light

sometimes
it's better to not be seen
better to hide behind the lights
better to be just another face

but i wonder
if you knew me
would you like me too?
would you like the smile that reached my heart
would you like the way i lit up when it's you here
would you like the way that everything stops for you?

you're used to it
this boy of the stars and the rain and the words
you with a sea of believers behind him
will you really see me?

for i am ordinary
someone you won't know in your lifetime
will i matter the way that you matter to me?

it is however
an honor to be here
to see you even when i'm only part of the thousands that do
to see you where you belong
to know that up there
you can feel every single beat of our hearts

Ten.
It is the first time my fingers slip into the spaces between yours
It's not usually okay but this time you don't mind
A light rain is placing droplets of shimmer on your lashes and your smile
We mess up the lyrics of a song that we thought we knew
The flowers scratch our legs as we walk through fields of wonder

Nine
It is the first time you come over
My mother makes you cheese sandwiches that you nibble on
I let you into my only safe haven
You run your fingers along the worn-down spines on my hand-me-down shelves
I tape my solar system mobile to a corner near my bed
You ask me about the words on my wall
And all i can tell you is that it's how I got found

Eight.
I tell you about the first one who owned my heart
He was of blue symphonies and stormy shadows
He used to smile at me like I was magic
And you tell me about yours
A boy of star blood and a mind like the sea
He used to spill wonder all over his floors

Seven.
This is the time that I don't know where to go
I sneak out of my house, barefoot and unfeeling
And somehow I find a way to your home
But it's 2 am and the streetlights are giving out
And all I know is your dreams are haunting you
So I walk away for the first time in a while
And I allow myself to be lost

Six.
You meet me in the ever-busy hallways
And bump your ruddy backpack against mine
You give me a pack of sticky notes for my words
And I slide a handful of multicolored pens into your pockets
Our shoes skid on the too-shiny floors
And your laugh resonates in my ears

Five.
It is the day of your first kiss
We are lying on dried-up grass as the fireflies make constellations on our skin
You say he tasted of nightmares and a fallen heaven
I twist pale flowers into a crown for your head
And you sing a song for all the light he kissed away

Four.
You and I fight for the first time
Because you don't understand that there are things you cannot know
And I don't understand why you hold on to what hurts you
We shut doors and we build walls
I string Christmas lights through my fingers because yours used to belong there
And i hear that you haven't had sleep in days

I will be honest
I do not want to count down the last three
But this is our story
We have begun
And we will end

Three.
It is the second time I let you in where I can be safe
We sit in silence and stare at my glow-in-the-dark stars
You try to form words from the mess of who I am
I try to splatter my walls with a life I have long lost
I see your fears along the curve of your spine
You lazily trace maps onto my arms
And yet I can't find my way home

Two.
It's 2am again and I can't handle being alone
This time i do not hesitate to go to your house
I stare at the shadows behind your window
And i plead
Wake up, wake up, wake up
Just this once
Be restless with me
Stay until the silence of my sadness fades into sleep
Stay until we can be lost again

One.
It has been a week without your neon green sticky notes
It has been a month without any interaction
And it has been a full day since I realized
That our countdown didn't lead to something surprising or extraordinary
We ended in the only way we could have
In silence

it’s 2:15 am and I don’t really know where to go
you are asleep on the other end of the line
it’s been a while since what we said felt like it mattered
because now we are all about the hollow spaces

I can hear the cars passing by outside
and I keep thinking of how we used to be in cars going to each other
but now even if you aren’t that far from home
I know that it will be a long time before I can reach you again

fissures on the surface of my soul
are you afraid that you will break me?
rope burns and bleeding hands
are you afraid that I will let go?

sometimes I think of the very first time you smiled at me
there was no way that you could have known
of the rains that I could bring into your days
of the imminent destruction I could bring

and yet you held me like all of the hope in the world was within me
you loved me as if everything would really be okay
but it’s 2:30 now and I know that you’re not going to stay
and how can I blame you when all along we have been in ruins?
but for now I want to drown in yesterday
thinking of how we painted colors into our own sky
remembering what it felt to have the stars to ourselves
knowing that the hours with you were never hours I lost

my thoughts will scratch my mind raw, this I know
you were a boy of the flower fields and the moonlight and of late-night words
and all I am is a girl who is haunted by her own musings
your light does not need my shadow