a  September wind ruffles my hair
I step into a place I have long avoided
very few things have changed since the last time I was here
but the flowers have fallen and are stepped on

I am not sure why I visited
why I would even bother to talk at all
why I would go back where it is most painful
when I know what awaits me

it has been a year now but it doesn’t seem like it
there has been talk about another with your arm slung around her
but somehow I can’t imagine it
and I don’t want to know what it will be like to see you again

did it really happen?
the way it ended, was that real?
every single moment we fit like puzzle pieces
every single time we told each other everything
was that all in vain?

it has been a while
and I must admit that your name does not make me feel anything
but while I am being honest
I have to say that my hand remembers what it was like to hold you

because she will have to look into the same face I did
she would see all the things I used to love
she would be in the arms that I used to be in
she would know that things that I knew

I may not belong there anymore
but it was beautiful while it lasted
and I will not keep you from your happiness
as long as you promise

that even if you are with somebody else
you will not forget what it was like with me

midnight every day
I lie in bed haunted by my own thoughts
and a question echoes through my bones
“can you really do it?”

almost two decades of the same thing
this question that bears down on me
is what I do enough?
is all of this exhaustion enough to prove something?

oftentimes I let myself be lost
between the lines and the colors and the textures
tangled in the words the world has bestowed upon me
trapped in the frames of what I display to the world

but with every piece I showcase
a part of me is eternally in each one
and the more I give to this earth
the less I have to myself

sometimes I let myself collapse into nothingness
breaking myself beyond repair
trying to find weakness and striking there
just to pour more into the art that I struggle to create

is there really anything good that will come out of this?
is using every ounce of my heart and soul worth every single day?

but if there is anything this cruel world has taught me
it is that I do not just give up on what I love
and what I love might be the death of me
and yet it is the immortality that will carry me on
it is the beauty that I am willing to leave behind

the dawn is painting pictures on the emptiness of this town
shadows are engulfing the silence
I breathe in the cold of the snow and the familiarity of home
but here I can’t shake the feeling of being lost

so for only a while
I go away from the lights and the banners with my name
my steps carry me away from the noise of their praise
one moment in a year to myself

a scarf to hide the features they can recognize
wandering aimlessly in the worn-down streets
it has been a while since a peace has engulfed me
far too long a time since it wasn’t about me

and I remember what it was like
more than a year ago in the same loneliness of the lights
I remember what the country felt like on my spine
they saw how I failed every single person who believed in me

I remember the fear that gripped every nerve of my being
trying to drown it out with music and snow
staying away from a home that might not welcome me
but the ice would always draw me in

impulsively touching the cold metal around my finger
I think of what awaits me behind doors
it is a place where I can truly belong
a safe haven that only I know every vein of

and so I trace my steps towards a new home
knowing that now my moonlight is asleep
I have a few hours until his eyes flutter awake
a few hours to think about what it feels to have him beside me

I do not need to dream tonight
knowing that somehow someone who hid behind everything
someone who was invisible in every way
was seen by the person who the stars crafted

and he will be there in the morning
the sun will be illuminating every plane of him
and his light will manage to chase away my darkness