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Aleeza Nov 2017
a thousand and three hundred days
since I first heard your name
spoken quietly in front of a busy classroom
your hair pulled back into a neat ponytail

common, I thought
fitting into that pocket of ordinary
another face I will forget
another voice that I will lose in a crowd

so with everyone else
I merely tapped the edge of my notebook
wishing that I could find a way to disappear
into the lines of my notebook pages

months passed and you were 15 steps away
I used to settle into a corner near you
but I never bothered to offer my words
someone else needed them
and I used to clutch her hands until she stopped crying

and I sang her lullabies
and I used to belong in the nook beside her feet
and I thought she was my everything
and nothing felt the way her touch did

but I remember that one time
that she was gone and I was lost
and I found my place by your feet
I found a corner I could breathe in

there was still a distance
for you weren't who I would search for
and we may have exchanged words
but they were emptier than my hands without her

we grew apart
because what was there to hold onto?
do we hold on to the similarities that are but trivial?
do we hold on to the way we used to grin at each other when our gazes met?

days went by, weeks, months
I found hands to clutch and arms to hold me together
within those four walls I found more
more than what our wood-enclosed space could offer

there were early morning talks with small biscuits
there were pieces I wrote over the forgotten places
there were bittersweet tears on sleeves
there were stories bounced around

your name was still there
somewhere between the whispers and the lost chapters
and all I could think was I knew you
or well, I used to

there were the glimpses of you through windows
there was the same smile shared
so far and yet nothing changed
so far and yet I kept remembering how I fit into your corner

and then something brought us together again
I did not want to start over
I did not want to say "hi" for the first time in a long time
but it felt like I didn't need it

soon enough we were sharing stories under tables
our jackets barely keeping out the chill
our hands wandering into each other like magnets
and for some sort of reason I never ran out of words

you knew my heart
knew the way it beat so tirelessly for someone
knew how I had to choose
knew how I smiled through the screen when I told you
and I knew yours

good morning and goodnight
every single day, no fail
all those words and laughs in between
all those things that you found out about first

2am sleepy conversations
with coffee in our systems and glitters on our legs
tired eyes and wrong words
the lure of sleep pulling us in

6am greetings
you say you've just woken up
and I am ready to leave
I ask you if I should bring anything
and you're too tired to remember

5pm checks
"are you going to do this?"
"nah, I'd rather sleep."
I tell you about his smile
And you tell me about the way he holds you

and slowly we get more comfortable with the silence
all of the little things we share through the quiet
all the lack of words that never feel empty
the understanding that we are more than what we tell each other

that one time I could've really held you
with the colored lights too blinding and the music too loud
but I didn't mind any of them
since the moment I saw you

but he took you away
and I kept shouting in protest
and it didn't feel fair
but I forgot about it too soon anyways

I spent most of the night
trying to keep myself upright
holding onto the hands that took mine
trying to find you in the mess

and there was another time
when I told him to look for you
when he came back and told me you were with someone else
and my heart broke for him

and after that you realized that you really didn't know me
it was the first time we really fought
I was sobbing and you said words I never thought I would hear from you

then there was the unbearable silence
and only then did I realize that it was destructive
the way I needed to talk to you
because there was nothing but loneliness in the absence

I thought I would never get you back
I was afraid of so much
for the first time in a while
there was nothing but tears

and you came back
you held me and embraced me and told me everything I wanted to hear

I sang to you the songs I drunkenly remember
I wrote again after a lifetime of deleted drafts
I found my corner once more

but with that
I found out
that you were in love
I should've been happy
but something was wrong

and every day that you tell me about him
I die a little bit inside
but I will be happy
because that's all I should really be

sometimes your hand wanders into mine
sometimes I can tell you I love you until you fall asleep
sometimes your head is on my shoulder and I know it belongs there
sometimes I pretend that you can be mine

one thousand and three hundred days
and I know your name anywhere.
Aleeza Nov 2017
sometimes
my eyes wander to people
and i think
does anybody really know

who do you think you are
walking this fragile earth
and preaching the lies of centuries
telling the people of a treachery

you rely the world on this feeling
when it is nothing but fleeting in a world of change
you think that this is salvation
when it will abandon you

because this is far too human
too sweet in the mornings
all coffee and sunlight and soft music
and too bitter in the moonlight
all scratches on skin and empty screams and tears

all too human
that in every day it morphs into something unfamiliar
this feeling we hold so high
this feeling we crave to drown in

and the centuries that we have wasted in search of such
we were blind to the real force that pushes us over the edge
we have denied ourselves the truth for the longest time
it is now that we need to see

that this world does not allow for the existence of love
the very thing that wars were fought over and bonds were created
and it is only a passion that drives us
to our beginnings or to our ends
Aleeza Nov 2017
I have never understood
why people gravitate towards light
when it blinds the eyes that cannot adjust
when it can be traitorous

how long have they taught us to reach for light
to reach for a hope that is not really there?
how long have we been fooled that it is purely good
that it will be the salvation of all?

I have found more comfort in darkness
for it does not choke the life out of the shadows
for it does not parch the lands with its severity
for it does not deprive

and i do know
that with darkness there lurks an evil
a doubt that traps you in its embrace
a danger within the shadows

i have been so afraid of such a love
so afraid that they will cast me out because of what i want
for it is not what they dream of
for the shadows are their fear

but i will stand by it
because in darkness
i have found the cure
for the unending light
Aleeza Nov 2017
the dawn is painting pictures on the emptiness of this town
shadows are engulfing the silence
I breathe in the cold of the snow and the familiarity of home
but here I can’t shake the feeling of being lost

so for only a while
I go away from the lights and the banners with my name
my steps carry me away from the noise of their praise
one moment in a year to myself

a scarf to hide the features they can recognize
wandering aimlessly in the worn-down streets
it has been a while since a peace has engulfed me
far too long a time since it wasn’t about me

and I remember what it was like
more than a year ago in the same loneliness of the lights
I remember what the country felt like on my spine
they saw how I failed every single person who believed in me

I remember the fear that gripped every nerve of my being
trying to drown it out with music and snow
staying away from a home that might not welcome me
but the ice would always draw me in

impulsively touching the cold metal around my finger
I think of what awaits me behind doors
it is a place where I can truly belong
a safe haven that only I know every vein of

and so I trace my steps towards a new home
knowing that now my moonlight is asleep
I have a few hours until his eyes flutter awake
a few hours to think about what it feels to have him beside me

I do not need to dream tonight
knowing that somehow someone who hid behind everything
someone who was invisible in every way
was seen by the person who the stars crafted

and he will be there in the morning
the sun will be illuminating every plane of him
and his light will manage to chase away my darkness
Aleeza Nov 2017
Ten.
It is the first time my fingers slip into the spaces between yours
It's not usually okay but this time you don't mind
A light rain is placing droplets of shimmer on your lashes and your smile
We mess up the lyrics of a song that we thought we knew
The flowers scratch our legs as we walk through fields of wonder

Nine
It is the first time you come over
My mother makes you cheese sandwiches that you nibble on
I let you into my only safe haven
You run your fingers along the worn-down spines on my hand-me-down shelves
I tape my solar system mobile to a corner near my bed
You ask me about the words on my wall
And all i can tell you is that it's how I got found

Eight.
I tell you about the first one who owned my heart
He was of blue symphonies and stormy shadows
He used to smile at me like I was magic
And you tell me about yours
A boy of star blood and a mind like the sea
He used to spill wonder all over his floors

Seven.
This is the time that I don't know where to go
I sneak out of my house, barefoot and unfeeling
And somehow I find a way to your home
But it's 2 am and the streetlights are giving out
And all I know is your dreams are haunting you
So I walk away for the first time in a while
And I allow myself to be lost

Six.
You meet me in the ever-busy hallways
And bump your ruddy backpack against mine
You give me a pack of sticky notes for my words
And I slide a handful of multicolored pens into your pockets
Our shoes skid on the too-shiny floors
And your laugh resonates in my ears

Five.
It is the day of your first kiss
We are lying on dried-up grass as the fireflies make constellations on our skin
You say he tasted of nightmares and a fallen heaven
I twist pale flowers into a crown for your head
And you sing a song for all the light he kissed away

Four.
You and I fight for the first time
Because you don't understand that there are things you cannot know
And I don't understand why you hold on to what hurts you
We shut doors and we build walls
I string Christmas lights through my fingers because yours used to belong there
And i hear that you haven't had sleep in days

I will be honest
I do not want to count down the last three
But this is our story
We have begun
And we will end

Three.
It is the second time I let you in where I can be safe
We sit in silence and stare at my glow-in-the-dark stars
You try to form words from the mess of who I am
I try to splatter my walls with a life I have long lost
I see your fears along the curve of your spine
You lazily trace maps onto my arms
And yet I can't find my way home

Two.
It's 2am again and I can't handle being alone
This time i do not hesitate to go to your house
I stare at the shadows behind your window
And i plead
Wake up, wake up, wake up
Just this once
Be restless with me
Stay until the silence of my sadness fades into sleep
Stay until we can be lost again

One.
It has been a week without your neon green sticky notes
It has been a month without any interaction
And it has been a full day since I realized
That our countdown didn't lead to something surprising or extraordinary
We ended in the only way we could have
In silence
Aleeza Nov 2017
a  September wind ruffles my hair
I step into a place I have long avoided
very few things have changed since the last time I was here
but the flowers have fallen and are stepped on

I am not sure why I visited
why I would even bother to talk at all
why I would go back where it is most painful
when I know what awaits me

it has been a year now but it doesn’t seem like it
there has been talk about another with your arm slung around her
but somehow I can’t imagine it
and I don’t want to know what it will be like to see you again

did it really happen?
the way it ended, was that real?
every single moment we fit like puzzle pieces
every single time we told each other everything
was that all in vain?

it has been a while
and I must admit that your name does not make me feel anything
but while I am being honest
I have to say that my hand remembers what it was like to hold you

because she will have to look into the same face I did
she would see all the things I used to love
she would be in the arms that I used to be in
she would know that things that I knew

I may not belong there anymore
but it was beautiful while it lasted
and I will not keep you from your happiness
as long as you promise

that even if you are with somebody else
you will not forget what it was like with me
Aleeza Nov 2017
I didn’t ask to be assaulted with words
When you knew all too well that there was more than 15 bottles in my system
And my feet couldn’t find a way to walk a straight line.
“You only say ‘I love you’ when you’re drunk.”
I forced my drooping eyelids open to look at you
And I wanted to laugh.
It was past 2am on a Friday and I was lying down on my threadbare sofa
Your hands pushing a bucket towards me because you know me

You know me too well.
You know that on Thursdays the commute home was faster and the jeep would drop me off by the bar a street down from my cruddy apartment.
You know that I like this denim jacket you have because it has a pizza stitched onto it.
You know that my wallet is practically begging me to stop at the third shot but my heart won’t have any of it.
You know that no matter what, I will dance to Pussycat Dolls whenever they come on, even if I’m in the most contaminated restroom to exist.

But you don’t know
Of the way my head screams over the pounding of the music whenever you say her name.
Of the words that get stuck in my throat every single time you close the door behind you.
Of the times I wanted to know what it was like to have you near me when I wake up.
Of how I wanted to sing the cheesiest songs to you in the karaoke room.
Of how I closed my eyes in the presence of the night stars when I could hear how happy you were.

Sometimes my mind wanders to the thought of your lips on mine and your hands on my spine
But I remember that you said that she tasted like a fallen heaven
And I remember that I must taste like the loneliness of rain

You know that I fill in the gaps of my life with paint splatters in the colors of the sea
You know that there are tunes I will remember even when I’ve long forgotten the words
You know how my smile barely ever reaches my eyes
You know who I am.
Who am I anyways?
The sober girl who knows
That the only time I can hold your hand
Is when I get drunk enough to say “I love you”

So I say it again and again and again.
Because now you will laugh it off and say I’m drunk
Because you will forget about it the next day
Because when I’m sober
I can look at you with clear eyes and know
That you only say “I love you” when I’m drunk.
Aleeza Nov 2017
here we are again
the edge of the world
the streetlights far behind us
and your smile in the hazy dark

truth be told
we tiptoed out of our cages
bringing old notebooks and sleepless dreams
tripping into each other's laughs

it has been months since it was like this
the uncertainty of your hand on my wrist
hushed whispers in the dead of the night
and I feel weight slip off my spine

our feet carry us to the only place of solace that we know
and even in the weeks of forgetting
in the time I let the sea carry you away
we will always find our way back here

and you start telling me of his steady hands
I remember that yours were never like that
so I smile at the thought of you belonging somewhere
after years of wandering aimlessly

so you make sand towers like you always do
and I look for seashells like I always do
the sea is singing lullabies to the two weary souls
and my pulse is humming with it

you race me to the water
and the stars glitter as you wade through them
the wind whips our hair into a tangled mess of ink
and I barely reach you when you start to speak

you recite dead languages to my fingertips
all I can think of is the promise of a sweet death
your voice against my sea-kissed skin
and the only eyes that could drown me

we drag ourselves to the shore
shaking the sand from our hair
we get blankets to wrap around our shoulders
and I feel the corners of my mouth tilt up

side by side
all of the languages of the world dead to us now
as we breathe in the sweetness of escape
and our heads tilt towards each other

you ask me what I look for in someone
and I trace swirls into the sand for a while
because I don't know
and maybe I have never known

almost two decades of this fragile life
almost everyone I’ve loved only people of my imagination|
and I kid myself with the question
and maybe I’m just afraid of the answer

but I draw the constellations in my mind as I whisper to myself
"you."
Aleeza Nov 2017
dreaming has always been
part of the fragments of who I am
used to trace storybooks on thin paper
trying to find a way
to recreate the beauty of it
I would tape posters on my walls
princesses and all those ideas I found
trying to will myself to be like them
chanting that I will find me within them
as I drifted off

and when I fell for the first time
all my dreams would come back
running its fingers through my hair
and whispering sweetness I forbade

and that was when I found words
letting them immortalize the dreams
that would haunt and taunt and sing
showing me a world that I wanted to touch
and yet was pulled away from

I met you and they started making sense
as the touch of the faceless  are echoed in yours
as your smile feels like coming home
as all the whispers soared into a song

yet I couldn’t understand
how writing you wasn’t easy
how putting all my dreams into words turned daunting
the more I let myself fall from the graces of heaven

so here I am now
with what I cannot let myself forget
the dreams I can never admit I had
with your face tattooed in my mind
and your name like stardust in my veins

I dreamt about how the mornings would be
the sunlight forgiving as it lit up your mouth
the coffee I never liked less bitter that day
as we giggle into each other’s shoulders
and I try to find a rhythm in tapping your skin

I dreamt about taking deep breaths
right before plunging into a sea
the saltwater stings and our laughter rings
our hair and our eyes spilled ink in the blue

I dreamt of lazy days in a cramped space
blasting the music we loved years ago
slipping on newly-scrubbed floors
cookies in an oven and a book in hand
our bodies finding odd ways to dance

I dreamt of rain on windows
as we drive around the town
going down streets we never knew
watching as the city lights sparkled
and snuggling up in our too-thin hoodies

I dreamt of long days that would end in hugs
holding all my tired bones
listening to my drowsy words
not admitting that I am tired as I nod off
goodnight kisses with my penguin pajamas on

random dinner dates at new food places
trying to survive spicy challenges
chugging down milkshakes and water
and laughing at our faces

holding hands on train rides
whispering jokes we stole from somewhere
sharing earphones and an overplayed playlist
making up stories about strangers

and as I look at your name in my contacts
I realize that it has been weeks, months maybe
since our words really meant anything to each other
since I could still remember your smile
because I remember dreams
but not the person in them
and you are but a faceless one yet again
in all those that still try to pull me in
and I understand now

you will only be a dream.
Aleeza Jan 2018
if you were to ask me right now if i still loved you
i would not be able to answer
everyone who has asked me to this point has gotten the same answer
i don't know
maybe i do but in a different way
i have no time to really assess if i still do

you'd think after a few years
declaring to all the world that i don't anymore
you'd think that i mean it
that i am sure now of what i say
but there are moments that i question myself
is everything i've denied actually true?

there are days that i silently wish
hundreds of thoughts rushing to try to become the one i deem best
scenes i could probably write but deny myself the chance to
i might never fully admit it but there are so many things that i want to tell you about
like how my day went and interesting facts i found and that funny thing that happened
like how some people stress me out and how i'm almost always angry and the feeling that my heart is giving out
like how i miss you but i know that i can't keep a conversation going
like how i want to cling while i'm also stepping away

and on those days i understand
that what i want to talk about is mildly intriguing
barely enough to last more than an hour at best
that we are both busy and too preoccupied with other matters
almost drowning in a sea of responsibilities we cannot abandon
that some things are better kept to myself
because i know that they are of no importance to you
and sometimes i fear
that you feel the same way about me

there are days that i want to keep trying
i have no idea where that could take me
if any of it is worth my time and my exhaustion
but i still try
still rack my brain for anything to say
still try to find common ground when already we are bored of each other
still stay up to talk even as my body groans in protest
still support the things that you do and the choices that you make
still understand why you shut me out when all i ever did was let you in
still try to arrange meetings just for us so we can at least converse without the distance

and on those days i don't get much
i try to make excuses for it but i'm starting to lose ways to go around them
because no matter how many times i try i find myself bearing more weight than you do
i have learned to know when to stop initiating conversation
i have learned that we are more different than we made out to be
i have learned that i stay up far too late for a reply that will never come
i have learned that my support isn't what you are looking for
i have learned that you will never let me in
i have learned that i will be waiting for nothing in the agreed meeting places

there are days that i want to cave in
i want to tell you of my hurt and hope that you can comfort me
tell you about how hard it is to breathe sometimes
tell you about the burden i should stop pretending i could tolerate
tell you about the how it's gotten worse these past few months
tell you about how i need something, someone to cling to
tell you about how there are hard weeks that make me want to be held for a long time

and on those days i close myself to the world
choosing not to tell you any of that
choosing not to tell anyone that
because everyone else will worry
fuss over me and try to convince me that things will be better
because i know that you won't
and i don't blame you
i have been difficult and confusing and i seemed so intent on not healing
but it would have been nice to know that you will be there for me
trying to, at least

there are days that i want to forget
completely put in the past and never remember
but they always haunt me
always try to remind me of what was done
like how you forget everything until the very last minute
like how you put certain things before me time after time
like how i let you choose even when it hurt me

and on those days i knew how to accept
i will always forgive even with the lack of an apology
because who am i really to you?
who am i to demand attention, to demand time?
i have no right to it, that much i know
so i forgive again and again
always having hope for the next time around
trying to drown out the voices that say that i am little more to you than something occasionally important

because i know that it isn't true
you can still remember little facts about me even when i've forgotten that i ever told you
you can still see me in so many things that you always bring them up to me
you can still stand by me as i make decisions that are particularly hard
you can still talk to me despite the rift i caused
you can still say that you are immensely proud of who i've become

and sometimes, i think
you
you, who fought to save us, save what remnants of what we used to have
you, who never hesitated to tell me i was important whenever i doubted it
you, who would surprise me with small gestures that i would remember weeks after
you, who found my stories amusing when very few others did
you, who would read everything i wrote and believed in me more than i could

and sometimes, i remember
that i would probably go to the ends of the world to find someone who can be there for you
listen to you and understand you and remind you to rest
support you and give you feedback and get you smiling as much as possible
someone to know all the little quirks and all the things that make you who you are
someone to stay unlike the others who left
i remember that they asked why i wanted to do that when i could be that for you
i remember answering that there are things i cannot be for you and that there are things you cannot be for me
i remember saying that you will always be that light i want to protect
for you may surround yourself in shadow but i know of the flicker in you

and there are things that i can never be sure about
like the best times to talk or how to predict reactions from you
but i am sure of one thing, at least
i am sure that i will keep you
and that i will try to make what we have better than what it is now

i still don't have a clear answer for the question
and i guess i will never have one
for now, i hope that all i've said will be enough.
Aleeza Nov 2017
they say that there are things that you can never unsee
images forever burned into the folds of your brain
and yet I think that there are even more things that you can’t unhear
those things that you want to drown out with music you didn’t even know you had

like that song you’ve just found
and it is new to you and the words may not be that clear for now
but a part of you understands
a part of you feels the string of notes every single moment that song lasts
a part of you understands somehow

like cars passing by the street outside your house at midnight
they are mere whooshes in your dreamlike state
their lights stay for too little of a time
and you can’t help but wonder
of where they are rushing to or what place they go home to
whooshes on cement carrying stories you will never know

like the little crack of disappointment in a relative’s voice
when they learn that you want to be something other than what they want you to be
and you try to laugh it off
but it’s a sting you never thought you would feel again after all this time
and then suddenly how well you’ve been doing doesn’t seem to matter
every single time you thought your smiles could reach the sky doesn’t seem to matter
because how can achievements in a path they disapprove of be something to be proud of?
how can something you fit better into feel wrong?

like the soft ripping of a paper envelope as it’s opened
and you’ve been tense for months about this one thing
and here it is in black and white and colors you wanted to associate with a new beginning
but instead it is all of what your worrying nagged you about
it is the words of the voice in your head printed out on thin paper
here is where the world feels like it drops
the only sound is of the letter being put back into its envelope
gently willing it to disappear

like the silence of someone after you speak
and you hear everything else like a click of a pen or a shifting of positions
your mind runs over a hundred, a thousand things
maybe they didn’t hear what you said?
maybe they don’t want to talk about it?
maybe they don’t get what you’re saying?
maybe you should start a new conversation?
you understand that silence should not be regarded as something bad
but here you are
choked by the possibility of them thinking you’re annoying
and that voice tells you to shut up
however the silence makes nerves tumble out of your mouth
why can’t you stop?

like the dull tapping of your fingertips on a keyboard
it’s been a while since you’ve allowed yourself this
months of pushing down the emotions that tug at you
and all you want to do is punch the words out of you
but there is nothing in the muddle that used to serve you so well
there is nothing because the thought of doing this pulls you deeper into the abyss
how you loved doing this before the world decided to tell you you do it wrong
you may have said that this was a part of you
and it is now another part you have lost

like the short bursts of shouting that you hear every time you take out your earphones
and you are reminded yet again why you keep them in
you are so tired of the voices, so tired of the fighting
you hear the scrape of the dining room chair you’re in as you push away after a meal
and you know too well that that is the last sound you want to hear outside of the music you blast
sometimes you think about how a lot can be different if only some events did not happen
and it is cruel to think that but you do it all the same
life had been peaceful before
now ruined by something you don’t have control over anymore

like the soft music at a small gathering
and there is laughter and glasses clinking and the shuffle of everyone’s steps
you block out that thought in your head that digs its claws
but as soon as you are driving home and staring at the streetlights
everything hits you at 50 miles an hour
you wonder how long your smile stayed there
you wonder if anybody sees it falter
and you can’t even explain to anyone why this happens
because you don’t know the answer yourself

like the constant questions
about why you want to do this or why you’re like this
asking about what you’ve decided on after years of confusion and debates with yourself
and they are too curious, too questioning of how you came upon those decisions
they try to offer explanations of what they think can be better for you
and it is like they do not trust you to know what is best for yourself
they think that what you want and the way you identify yourself isn’t what should be
and all your life you’ve been told that you can’t be this and you can’t do that
so now what should you be?

like the thud thud of your tears on a pillow
and you don’t even know where it hurts anymore
all you know is that when you hold that plushie you’ve had forever
a thousand pinpricks run along your arms and your chest
breathing will never be easy and here you are
too aware of the sound of choking back your cries
because there are things that the world doesn’t have to know
and one of them is how there are days you fracture
after weeks of not even knowing what it is exactly to feel

like the goodbyes after a few hours of talking in a cramped café
you know you’ll see them again but there is an emptiness as you go home
a part of you acknowledges the fact that they aren’t that far away
another part feels the longing for another hour, another hug
you know of each other’s schedules and how it is not practical to keep meeting up
but you want to cling to something other than your pillows and your wavering sanity
and having them with you has helped in a way that you miss instantly
as you are once again plunged into the reality of it all

it is the clock ticks as you wait for something to end
it is the steadying breath you take as you reel yourself back from the hell of your thoughts
it is the song you now use as a lullaby when your system refuses sleep
it is the drum of rain against windows as you try to find yourself again

there are sounds I will never unhear
and there will be days that I can’t stand to be me
but there will be sounds that pull me back
there are days that I continue to fight the voices
and that is what I should always remember.
Aleeza Nov 2017
if there is anything in this world that I know
it is that sadness doesn’t just leave
it prefers to hang itself on my almost-sure shoulders
it prefers to kiss my knuckles when I am at peace

if there is anything in this world that I know
it is that darkness doesn’t disappear during the day
it loves sneaking into the cracks in my troubled thoughts
it loves the solace of my empty bones

if there is anything in this world that I know
it is that nothing will ever be quiet for me
there are the words I shove back down my windpipe
there are the blue symphonies crying for me

but then again
there are early-morning greetings
and the promise of a cup of coffee that I won’t touch
the chill of the morning seeping into my pajamas with the stars

then again
there are tangles of phrases between my fingers
and the music of leaves dancing
the sun turning my eyes into different worlds

then again
there’s your shadow on the vandalized walls of this city
and the tilt of your smile that I’ve tattooed somewhere in my mind
the tug of your hands on my wrists


so for days that I stopped counting
all that I was sure of was the way I belonged in the crook of your neck
I felt the uncertainty unclasp itself from my spine
the choke of my tears faded into a memory

the dusk paints masterpieces on your serene features
you weave another story of your day
I hold onto your words like they are the only magic I know
I hold onto the bumping of our shoulders in the dying light

the dawn illuminates your drowsy stumbling through the streets
I hold you as we walk through abandonment
you laugh at the sound of your name
and I laugh at the thought of what we could be

for a time that I all but forgot
the sunshine somewhere in me ceased the rain
all the songs sang of you that I found
it was I who kissed your shaky hands

and still time finds a way through the ties around our wrists
maybe it was a lost cause from the beginning
how we fall into each other to fill in the gaps the universe has left
and how once again all of who I am is too much

the promises we made during midday hazes
the dreams that we recited with every flower we picked
the hope we had instilled in each other
the goodbyes that I knew would never be the end

and now all I know
is that the unquiet will never leave me
even when you do.
Aleeza Nov 2017
midnight every day
I lie in bed haunted by my own thoughts
and a question echoes through my bones
“can you really do it?”

almost two decades of the same thing
this question that bears down on me
is what I do enough?
is all of this exhaustion enough to prove something?

oftentimes I let myself be lost
between the lines and the colors and the textures
tangled in the words the world has bestowed upon me
trapped in the frames of what I display to the world

but with every piece I showcase
a part of me is eternally in each one
and the more I give to this earth
the less I have to myself

sometimes I let myself collapse into nothingness
breaking myself beyond repair
trying to find weakness and striking there
just to pour more into the art that I struggle to create

is there really anything good that will come out of this?
is using every ounce of my heart and soul worth every single day?

but if there is anything this cruel world has taught me
it is that I do not just give up on what I love
and what I love might be the death of me
and yet it is the immortality that will carry me on
it is the beauty that I am willing to leave behind
Aleeza Nov 2017
the thing about us is
we're on the verge of something
something beautiful? maybe
something disastrous? maybe

the thing about us is
it wasn't always like this
how could i have known
the day you told me your name
that someday i would always remember it?

and you were there
you were there when i cried
you were there when i laughed
you were there when i had all the stories
so i am not used to you being absent

and i was there
when everything was unfair
when the world seemed to hate you
when there was nowhere left to run

and in the way that things are
it all got messed up
the very day i stared at my ceiling
and i knew that it was you

and the thing is
it rarely ever works out the way we want it to
it rarely ever gives us the chance

but if i was allowed
if circumstances were different
i would have found you again
and i would have told you every word
and i would have drawn every line for you

but the thing is
i will stay where i am right now
i know where i stand
and it is not by your side
holding your hand
Aleeza Nov 2017
there are ribbons of light threaded in your hair
and the clock ticks are synchronized with your touch
I don’t know about the things you used to whisper to me
for now, all I know is how your hellos used to feel
and maybe it’s 3am and it’s too early for you to go
so I’ll ask you to stay until we can get lost again

it’s late to say goodbye now for I left without a word
don’t ask me to stay if you already know that I won’t
I don’t want to get lost again cause I’m trying to find myself
been broken by the consequences I had when I was with you

cold coffee and troubled stares
trying to find the life I lost in our cracked walls
the song we used to yell while cruising in cars
lost in the quiet sadness of the rain
our knees bump against each other and we don’t pull them away
and I keep saying sorry but you don’t hear anything I say

memories keep flashing
I’m trying to shake them off
I know that it’s best when we’re both apart
we keep on hurting each other with words we don’t mean
a sorry won’t fix what’s already been done
when I left I know you’ll be okay
we’ll both be free of what’s been keeping us chained
I loved you for a long time but I know it’s time to let you go
I know you’re already unhappy
you’re just afraid to be alone

but maybe alone is not what I fear
maybe I can’t stand the idea of you being removed from my words
all those years of sunshine so I knew I needed your rain
and maybe your storms were not enough
to chase away the emptiness of the light

I know that you’re a strong independent woman
but what you can’t let go was the fun memories we had
you cling to the words and you dwell in your thoughts
you know you’re so much more than that
but you refuse to take hold of that
we both knew that you don’t need me
but you don’t want to believe that
it’s better this way
we could be on our own, fixing ourselves on our separate ways
why would you run back to the person who broke you?
we both know that the circumstances won’t be better if ever I come back

broken is all I’ve known
cracks spidering across paint-splattered porcelain
and I didn’t mind that I crumbled in your hands
you used to look at me like you knew what I once was
and in all my dreams you drowned me
but I couldn’t take any other hand but yours
Aleeza Nov 2017
coffee shop dazes in the rain
4:15 cravings
knit sweaters that I always forget
the clatter of change on the table

mindless small talk for hours
my fingers fidgeting with my phone
a second order of sweetness
another dozen moments of silence

trying desperately to keep the conversation going
your hand constantly on your phone
and I don’t know what I am doing anymore
all I know is that I might be desperate

because I have no idea if you notice
that over sips of coffee my eyes wander to you
all your denim and your scuffed up sneakers and your bed hair
I notice the lines in your hands and the hollow of your throat

and I keep biting my tongue to keep myself from saying
I kinda wanna hold your hand in mine
I kinda wanna push the hair out of your eyes
I kinda want you all to myself

I clench my hands in my lap
knowing that you are inches from me
knowing that I can hold your heartbeat if I could
knowing that you will never allow it

and maybe I will stay here
right across from you in coffee shops
trying to hide my smile behind tentative sips
knowing that I do not have a place with you.
Aleeza Mar 2018
the thing I hate admitting the most
is that I miss you

a familiar feeling, this I know
residing in the base of my ribcage
pushed down with every breath I take
tucked away in the shadows of everyday
supposed to be forgotten until a more convenient time

but what is a convenient time
when every minute passes like nothing
when days and weeks drag on like eternities
when my waking hours are pockets of time turning up empty

I get stuffed into cars and trains and planes
watching as cities go by like mere blurs in my vision
counting broken streetlamps and closing my eyes against the dawn
drumming my fingertips against my seat
looking over at my sleeping companions
and thinking about how it felt to hear you whisper softly
asking if we’re already there

used to take deep breaths while lowering my shoulders when I’m with you
used to let my laugh resonate in the too-quiet spaces
used to let you know about what I have always hid from the world
used to hold my arms open for you to come into

but now I’d rather not stay too close to you
knowing that my everything will go rigid at the tension I didn’t even know we had
too aware of every word and every sound I make
a longing to go back but understanding that everything  is well in the past

we are adults now, after all
no more of the youth that made us giggle at each other’s shenanigans
talk of dreams isn’t even something we have time for
as we end up worlds away from a home we’ve shared over the years

maybe we can tell them that we tried
what with all the differences that became bricks in the wall between us
knocked on each other’s doors and holding onto a shred of hope that somebody will answer
picked up conversation again and again but knowing it will go nowhere
not the nowhere we used to be lost together in
but the nowhere we now hate

I don’t know how to talk to you
about the hate I feel for myself and how I want to claw my own being out
about the exhaustion that won’t go away with sleep
about old pictures that I can’t even bear to look at without feeling sad
about how much I want to talk to you after all this time

sometimes I’m worried I might forget
the sound of your laugh whenever I try to dance
because all my life I’ve never been great at moving in time to music
how your hands are holding me by the waist and trying to guide me through steps
those eyes I can’t look into anymore sparkling with contentment
the last strains of a song from somewhere enough for us to glide to

or maybe in a few years’ time I won’t remember
the soft but sure way you lean into a hug
arms around me with so much strength and yet the most care
I never knew what fitting perfectly with someone felt like before you
telling me things I can’t quite comprehend through all my tears
and I have so many words, none of which I can say
because how can you understand when even then, right there in your embrace
we were already so far away?

I keep myself up at night to try to run through it all
how we’ve soared and fallen and gotten up again and again
offering arms and hands to steady each other
sharing earphones and nodding to music only we can hear
quiet moments where we both looked down at our laps
our uneven breaths as we walked back with the sun only starting to set

I’d hate to ask for time
when for a while it was me who couldn’t make time for you
making excuses and shutting you out from the chaos of who I was
but I need it now more than ever
with the burden on my spine pushing me down further

no, I don’t want to ask you to carry it with me
for it is mine to bear
all I want is the way you used to hold me as I broke
maybe it won’t put everything back together like it used to
but for now, I don’t need it to

I’d hate to ask for explanations
when I don’t even have one for how I set out on my own without you
drifting from you like the paper boats on floodwater
but I want my heart to be quieted
from the doubts that plague it but have long been ignored

no, I don’t want to ask you to fight to keep this
for it is I who caused the rift
all I want is to hear about how it felt to see me go where it was hard to follow me
all I want is for you to explain why when you told me I was beautiful in a language I couldn’t understand, I still knew
why you keep telling the world I’m someone to be proud of when even I’m not proud of myself

I have come to accept it all, though
watching as your back disappears into the shadows after being bathed in neon
turning to the sea of glitter and flashes and smiles
knowing this was your world too
and choosing to leave it all behind is best
you say there isn’t much of a place left here for you
I keep thinking that your place is with me

but I will go back to the place where we grew together
dance to the songs you forgot to pack with you
let my smile reach the heavens we stared at for too long
watch as everything blurs as I go
knowing that someday, maybe
you will know what place to come home to.
Aleeza Nov 2017
I don't know what it is
that shackles my ankles and my arms and my heart to the bed
that every time I have to get up I feel like I leave a piece of me behind
that every time I see sunlight I can feel weight on me

and maybe things are okay
no rain taps on my windows
no shouting is heard through the walls
no devastating stories are to be heard

and the clunky shoes are not so bad today
and my jacket is freshly washed and warm
and everything is in its place
and the radio plays all the good songs
nothing is really wrong

and yet it is 8am and all I feel is the cold bite of the airconditioning and fear
fear that I can go wrong and all eyes will be on me
fear that they will be overly confident in who I am that they forget that I am human
fear that I have to keep this smile on for long

and yet it is 1pm and all I want is a hand to hold
so instead I write down my remaining notes
I try to pretend my life is put together
highlighting important words in my too-new planner

and yet it is 3pm and I try to lull myself to sleep
saying goodbye to who I'm talking to because it's only polite
listening to songs I know too well
trying to find a way to drown the scratchy lines in my mind

it is dark when I wake up
and I feel more exhausted than before
and there are messages for me waiting
and yet I don't answer them at all

I pull myself up and I stare at your name
it has been a while since we really talked
I don't want to start anything
since the last time, we only lasted for mere minutes

and I don't know how to handle losing the only one who really knew me
I don't know how many times I have tried and failed with you
but I know how you talk to people
and I know that you don't want to talk to me

dinner is not much better
they question the things I do and the places I go
so how can I explain
that I don't want to stay here
and be given the chance to be alone

they say that I can easily pass the exam
they say that I can do these things for sure
when I know that I will be lost there
and be the very first one to disappoint

and people keep saying hi
how are you?
what's up?
and I am tempted to tell them
but decide not to burden them with my darkness

I appreciate who they are
I appreciate the fact that they care
I love them for trying to connect with me
I love them for thinking about me, even for a moment

but why is it
that every time I tell them I'm doing better
I cry even more?

and it's 8:15pm and nothing is helping
not the jokes or the songs or the video clips
all I can think is how easy it could be to go
all I wonder is about who might notice first

if I fall from the graces of a heaven on earth
my everything crushing who I was
if I let my emptiness be filled with water instead
my words sinking with me

I told myself I wouldn't do that
I told myself I would never let myself get to that
yet here I am
my insides ripped out
the light I once knew gone

how can I tell people
that I hold hands because I am scared
needing to have someone to hold onto
needing to be reassured that they are there

how can I tell people
that I want to be held
held in the silence of all the words I forgot how to say
held despite of how I crumble

because I know that everything comes and goes
and yet this feeling has never left

and I don't know how to answer the question
are you okay?
when I don't know if anyone can hear my whispered
I'm not okay
and I don't know when I'll be.
Aleeza Nov 2017
it’s 2:15 am and I don’t really know where to go
you are asleep on the other end of the line
it’s been a while since what we said felt like it mattered
because now we are all about the hollow spaces

I can hear the cars passing by outside
and I keep thinking of how we used to be in cars going to each other
but now even if you aren’t that far from home
I know that it will be a long time before I can reach you again

fissures on the surface of my soul
are you afraid that you will break me?
rope burns and bleeding hands
are you afraid that I will let go?

sometimes I think of the very first time you smiled at me
there was no way that you could have known
of the rains that I could bring into your days
of the imminent destruction I could bring

and yet you held me like all of the hope in the world was within me
you loved me as if everything would really be okay
but it’s 2:30 now and I know that you’re not going to stay
and how can I blame you when all along we have been in ruins?
but for now I want to drown in yesterday
thinking of how we painted colors into our own sky
remembering what it felt to have the stars to ourselves
knowing that the hours with you were never hours I lost

my thoughts will scratch my mind raw, this I know
you were a boy of the flower fields and the moonlight and of late-night words
and all I am is a girl who is haunted by her own musings
your light does not need my shadow
Aleeza Nov 2017
there are clock ticks somewhere in the back of my mind
moonlight is catching in your shoulders and knuckles
we both have no idea of the time
and we both don’t mind

I hum a melody I thought I’ve long forgotten
as you tap out a rhythm I know too well
it feels like an eternity since our gazes met
a lifetime since we said any words

you ask me what we are doing
and all I can think is tormenting ourselves
pulling away from touch
depriving ourselves of the sweetness of dreams

a hundred delirious thoughts run through my mind
would your mouth taste of sunsets and cotton candy skies?
will your fingers feel electric against my spine?
would your heart beat with mine?

your tapping is calmer now
pressing little points into my skin
I tell you to meet my gaze
and when you look up
I can see the same questions in your eyes

because I know that you’re afraid of such ideas
I edge a bit closer to your cross-legged form
and without the hesitation that plagued me for years
I kiss you with all the moonlight and shadows

you don’t pull away the way I expected you to
but I don’t pull you into me more
because I am afraid that I will ruin the petal-like softness of your mouth
I am afraid that you will break under me
and spill all of your wonder onto my sky-blue sheets

I keep my hands clenched in my lap
but you like adventures all too much
and yours are tracing roadmaps across my skin
sending pinpoints of life across every portion that you touch

you break the melding of our mouths
and you hum a dark tune against my collarbone
my hands find a way inside the softness of your shirt
you’re alive in all of the places I explore

shaky fingers find where my pulse is strongest
I feel like a gunshot has gone off somewhere and the bullet is through me
too close, i think, all too close
and it's the hardest thing to keep breathing

my shirt is now entangled with the sheets
and my back goes rigid at the thought
of your touch going over the scars i had hidden for more than a decade
of the secrets i don't talk about with anyone

so i slip your shirt over your head to take my thoughts away
I run my hands over every inch of space as if i am writing our history
but yours are holding onto my waistband
and I feel like crying out of fear of your judgment

but you don't judge a thing
you only trace the lines on the inside of my thighs and the backs of my knees
you tell me that someday you will paint every single line
for i will remember you in my words and you will remember me in those

and i laugh, on the verge of tears
because here you are
someone with the sun in his smile and decades of mysteries in his words
and you make me feel like i am the world
all of its light and its lost beauty and its shadows
I am porcelain in the silvery light
and you hold me so I wouldn't shatter
my eyes wander over the planes of your features
and yet again I wonder

if anyone will see you the way that i do
lost in the winding path of his own making
a delicate soul who refuses to sleep because of curiosity about the universe
an enigma who cannot be unraveled

will they know what it takes for the corners of your mouth to tip into a smile
will they know of the ideas that plague your mind
will they know you beyond what everyone else saw

our mouths meet again amidst how tangled we are with each other
and I think I might believe in magic
as I etch the curves of your name into the back of my mind
we sing the darkness of our dreams

I may be unsure of thousands of thoughts every single day
but I will now wake up knowing
that I can be sure of you.
Aleeza Nov 2017
tick, tick, tick
i am not counting the hours i've spent with my fingers between yours
i am tracing the maps on your arms
i am trying to find a way home

we do not know what time it is
maybe it's 2am and we both have things to do
maybe it's 3pm and we have places to be
maybe it's midnight and we really have to say goodbye

all i know is
the world is not on my shoulders anymore
and all there is now is the wonder in your smile
all i can see is how well we fit

in my years
i wanted to know what it was like
to be beautiful enough to haunt
and here you are beside me in the dusk
and you tell me that i have entangled myself in your thoughts

all this time
i have been been trying to find what all the poets and the artists create for
and i found you

tick, tick, tick
how long until you see
the cracks that taint me
the shadows that follow me around

how long until you decide not to stay
you distance yourself from the calamity of me
how long until i have to beg
to stay with me so we can be lost again
Aleeza Nov 2017
I didn’t know you’d be here
dressed in jeans and a jacket unlike what you used to wear
I know those glasses perched on your nose
used to bump my nose ridge against them
as I pecked you on the cheek

unconsciously I straighten up
leaning against a granite bar
sipping champagne I’ve never liked
smiling my brightest smile even as it falters at the edges

I used to down 3 coffees
at 3am in the airport waiting for you
always the first one to greet your jetlagged laugh
airline food packets crinkling as we hug

this time you’re here without warning
possibly still drowsy from your flight
talking with the people we have left before
swirling the dark wine in your glass
the tiredness in your bones anything but evident

almost on habit my mind races
a thousand conversation starters I may never use
my nails clinking against glass
a free hand fidgeting with the rings on my finger

it has been a while
that much I can admit
and I barely remember what it was like
to stroke your hair in the taxi as you slept
or how you would scarf down a plate of pancakes within moments
or the way your hands would wave around as you talked

and ultimately I can say it’s been too long
as I pass my thumb over the silver of a wedding band
thinking of the promise engraved into its inside
and how the vows I made before having this
were too much like what I promised you

your voice loud and clear in my mind
timezones away and yet still so ecstatic as I told you the news
you swore to come back for the big day
hours into the night spent talking about how that was everything
about the blue flowers I wanted
and the cake I’ve always looked at from afar

then only a few weeks before
you tell me about how you couldn’t come
work was hectic and you couldn’t afford to lose a week
and I understood
yet I couldn’t help the stab I felt
so I pushed that down and smiled even if you couldn’t see it

on the day
I still looked for you
and your gentle urge for me to come forward with the swell of the music
I knew you wouldn’t be there
and yet a part of me hoped

when they played a video message from you
I couldn’t stop the tears
and I was streaking my face and my clothes
but it didn’t matter
you were almost a world away
but it felt like you were right there
snow falling all around you but your smile unfaltering in its warmth

and there you are
right across from me in this cramped room
and yes I’ve told you about nearly everything
from my kid to a new job to a reunion concert you should’ve gone to with me
yet I still hesitate to start anything
with you almost within arm’s reach

I gulp down more of the pale fizz
steeling my nerves as I decide
I of all people should talk with you
no matter what the years or the miles have done to us
for I may not have a chance like this soon

my steps are unsure but too quick to rethink
you don’t see me approach and that gives me a moment to breathe
before I tap your shoulder and you turn around
your face lit up more than the Christmas tree in the corner

your arms wide open before I know it
and my body leaning forward because it knows where it belongs
it’s a marvel how we still fit into each other’s spaces
almost our own universe away from everyone else
silent despite the thunder of our hearts

we pull away and still it feels like I’m home
with the laughter bubbling in our chests
and how could I forget
those eyes that are almost exactly like mine
ones I see every day in my reflection
a comfort I didn’t know I missed

after a while of more chit chat
we break away from the hustle of the people we barely know now
our glasses empty and on a table somewhere
there is enough in our systems to warm the chill of the night
and enough to make us stumble and giggle as we step away
leaving the music and the low lights
in favor of the moon and the calm

we lean against the railings of a terrace
talking about everything and nothing
with you first asking about the child you haven’t seen apart from the pictures
and me injecting questions about the place you’ve just moved in
I keep looking at the dark blanket of sky above us
and even as I nearly catch your gaze on me several times I don’t let you know
and my heart is as calm as ever
but for some reason I feel flowers bloom in the forgotten spaces between my ribs

somewhere between the last notes of a song thumping through the floor
and a light rain kissing our skin
your hand almost wanders into mine
as if it remembers too
how everything fits when it comes to us
but I see you pull back
snapping out of your thoughts and back into the reality
of who we are now and what we have
and what we lost

you ask me if it’s time for me to go
and it is but I don’t admit that out loud
so I say that I can stay for a while longer
and I am reminded of how beautiful you are under soft light
as your face breaks into an almost-smile

so there we stay
nothing more to say
as we understand each other beyond what any words can do
I keep thinking of how you will have to leave soon
and I know that this time
I will miss you even more

not sure if I will still be able to meet your sleepy eyes when you come home
not sure if I will still talk to you as often as I have since our timezones permitted it before but not now
not sure if any of our smiles will remain as the years take its toll on us
not sure if anyone will ever truly know me the way you did

I cave and say that maybe I should really go
you respond with a nod and an automatic stretching of arms
I settle into them one last time
steal a peck on your cheek and bump my nose ridge against your glasses
and I slip away knowing that we will find our way again
because that is what we have always done.
Aleeza Nov 2017
abandoned flower fields and the lazy afternoon sun
our footsteps falling into a steady rhythm
we are almost like music in this place of lost
and neither of us seem to remember

my fingers touch the edges of your hand
trying to establish a connection that I have long craved
and normally it is not okay
but this time you let mine fit in the spaces between yours

we find a place of solace and dry grass
you are a mere inches away but I am still afraid
still afraid of what this is
still unsure of what it may be

we’re both a little tipsy, I must admit
you lie down on the ground and count the grooves in my spine
and I try to think of something to say
but  all my years of words have failed me now

is it okay?
are we really okay?
because it has been a while
and a lot of things have changed
but I still don’t know if we are right

all they have said is that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be
this isn’t how things line up in their world
but we have a world of our own
and I would give anything to be entangled in it

this is the only time we can really escape
from the stares that will judge who we are
from the expectations that we never plan to meet
this is the only time that I can belong to you.
Aleeza Nov 2017
sometimes
it's better to not be seen
better to hide behind the lights
better to be just another face

but i wonder
if you knew me
would you like me too?
would you like the smile that reached my heart
would you like the way i lit up when it's you here
would you like the way that everything stops for you?

you're used to it
this boy of the stars and the rain and the words
you with a sea of believers behind him
will you really see me?

for i am ordinary
someone you won't know in your lifetime
will i matter the way that you matter to me?

it is however
an honor to be here
to see you even when i'm only part of the thousands that do
to see you where you belong
to know that up there
you can feel every single beat of our hearts

— The End —