“Your heart is a beast”
They said
And ripped open your ribcage to pull it out
Antiseptic smiles
scalpels in their hands
a sheet stapled to your chest that just said
”wrong”

“this is for your own good”
They said
While the
flesh peeled and
Bones cra ck e d apart
Fur pulled out til it was all red
And

The howl was stolen from your throat
so you couldn’t even scream
couldn’t bare your own **** fangs
Cause they’d taken those too

Your heart is a dull-toothed beast
Staggering and swaying
Snapping at the wind
Spitting up blood
Leaving a red trail in the earth with its paws
To match the one your organs made
When they all spilled out

“for your own good” they said

And

You are dying



Bleeding out in the dirt
Hemorrhaging on the inside
like some forgotten thing hit on the highway
like some old fiend, having taken its last blow
and curled up to die
while the warrior sheaths his sword and gets a hero’s welcome

but you don’t

you should be dying
but someone scoops up your shattered little heart and the shards of your bones
your organs where you left them on the ground
and takes you home

“it’s okay” they say
As they gently scrub the blood out of your fur
until it’s all white again
“you’ll be alright” they say
as they clean the grime out of your paws
sharpen your nails
Dust off your heart
And nestle it deep in your chest
under patchwork superglued bones

they arrange all your important parts with the care of someone
who knows how easily things break
drain all the blood out of your lungs
and you remember how simple breathing used to be
when you weren’t drowning with every breath

“they were wrong” the tender one says, sharpening your fangs
Petting your head
“But you are not”
And their hands are so warm
That you think you can believe it

When the bullet first struck, you couldn’t feel a thing
Nothing rose out of your throat, you just
Breathed a steady rhythm in your veins
In, out, in, out, in, out
in
out

Until you forgot how
And you couldn’t breathe
Cause something had stuck itself in your lungs your blood your heart so deep
So sharp
that you were drowning in your own **** blood
sputtering up a river
trying
trying
trying
to breathe to think to feel anything but a guttural agony in your chest
and the bullet was just stuck there
tearing and tearing it all apart
a wrecking ball
an open wound

the remains of something lost

he reeks of death
that boy
formaldehyde in his veins
arsenic on his lips
choking as he laughs, a breathless thing,
a death rattle

he says the shreds of tires on the side of road look like dead dogs
spilling out their guts among the broken beer bottles and trash
for all the world to see
that the flies hovering spell out a confession if you look close enough
that it’s all yours, he says, for you
how romantic
your boy

he said he’d burn you up
and he did
til you breathed blood and smoke and the sadness dripped from him
“it’s okay” you say, like it’s not his fault
Because it isn’t his fault that you did it anyway
“It’s okay” you say, because they always said you weren’t good
At letting sleeping dogs lie
“it’s okay” you say but you spit up your lungs on his shirt
And press your head against his chest

And give you him your heart

“I'm not using it”, you say, and pray
That it will keep him warm
And let the death settle in the empty hole

A man walks into a bar and
doesnt walk out

you walk into a bar
and you dont walk out
and you think maybe thats how it happened

he just walked into a bar
and never walked out

walked into a knife
walked into the barrel of a gun
walked into a river with cinderblock shoes
walked into a car and didn’t turn back
walked into your life and right back out

you stumble out of a bar
cursing and crying and
crashing into the pavement but
that doesn’t matter

you feel like dying
or melting
imagine that you slip and fall apart until you’re just a puddle
imagine that you slip through the lines in the concrete
through the roots and the earth
live down there instead
but

you’re still here
crying on the ****** sidewalk in front of a ****** bar with whisky on your shirt and your breath and something cold and sharp in your heart
and that’s not the problem so much as
he isn’t here too

He is hot

(Not like that -I mean- yeah like that oh god most definitely like that but that's not what you mean when you say that-)

He burns

something muzzle-flash bright, eyes like stars, catching your stomach on fire, catching the whole ******* universe ablaze with the ease of someone

just

playing

a

game

(A game you bet your heart on, a game you bet your life on, what's the difference)

And you love him
Oh god you love him

You'd let the universe burn and cover yourself with matches

Just to see him shine

(1) New Message:
(Photo attached: depicting a crab with a knife)
haha is this you

(1) New Message:
i’ll be back late, gotta job, chinese for dinner?
i’m buying

(1) New Message:
haven’t heard from you, you didn’t come home. You okay?
people disappear in this town, you know i worry

(1) New Message:
it’s been three days. Jesus christ, Dan, please text me or call me or something. If you want space, just tell me. i’m worried about you

(1) New Message:
did I do something? i’m sorry, for whatever I did. Please come back. Please answer me. One word is enough. i’m starting to get scared, okay?

(1) New Message:
I asked around town. Someone said that you died.
Answer me. Please.

(1) New Message:
wheeeeere th fuckk r youu
cme back ‘m sorryy

(1) New Message:
it’s been a week. Everyone I ask says that you aren’t coming back. I don’t believe them, I cant.
You’re stuff is still here.

(1) New Message:
I won’t ask any questions. Even if you just come ******* take your stuff, come back already. it’s my turn to buy dinner.

(1) New Message:
I miss you.

(1) New Message:
someone tried to buy your ****** duck carving, the one you said wouldn’t sell for free.
I almost punched them and cried in the back.
I’m so sorry pls come back pls answer me pls be alive

(1) New Message:
you never showed me your favorite movie

(1) New Message:
I smoked one of your cigarettes today. It burned like hell and tasted like ****
I miss you so much

(1) New Message:
it hurts

(1) New Message:
you werent supposed to diei was supposed to protect you you protect me we protect eachother but youre ******* gone im so ******* sorry pls come back i cant do this
i cant lose you

(1) New Message:
I never got to tell you
come back already so I can tell you

(1) New Message:
Happy birthday

(1) New Message:
I left your presents out
as though you’d ******* show up months later
and I bought some of the whiskey we drank our first night out
i’ll leave a glass for you

(1) New Message:
I love you

(1) New Message:
I should’ve told you a long time ago
I love you so ******* much it’s killing me

(1) New Message:
why did you have to die

The boy you loved drowned

Drowns every day
But he hasn’t come back
(He always does)
Maybe won’t
The icy shoreline whispers
“And if he doesn’t?”

He will
He has too

You don’t want to think about it

It whispers a lot to you
In the quiet moments like this
Before he comes back
Like
“What’s the point?”
(You say that this is the only way you’ll fix him)
“And what about yourself?”
(You say that you’re not the one drowning)
“You’re choking on paint again”
It says
And

You are
Dripping down your lips, cold like blood isn’t, not the right shade
Too chalky
Hardening in your lungs, but you missed a spot
So you drink another coat down

It stops talking
And the boy you love washes up on the shoreline
So you wring the blood of his lungs
Set a fire in his heart

And try again

She stumbled, a half-drug path, on the road
Death dripping from her mouth
Fear and madness in her blazing eyes
the light of a roaring
dying
fire behind them

and all were scared

huddled in houses, peering through windows at their terror, at their downfall
except one, who thought ‘isn’t this sad?’
and cried “Isn’t this cruel?”
“an animal doomed to die, body stolen to personify demise,
Isn’t that a tragedy?”

And wasn’t it?

Muscles pushed forward only by the necessity to spread, to infect
Pushed without care of a dying vessel
dried and cracking and mad
Nothing really left of her
Nothing really left for her
Except a blissful sleep

And the one who cried, who mourned Death itself
Who wished to cradle the unfortunate body in his arms
For a last, kind embrace
Instead aimed a shotgun towards it’s heart
And granted it rest

They asked
“are you happy?”
And the question echoed through a devastated void

it was the way he glowed
lit up entire street blocks as he walked
like he’d swallowed a million fireflies
and let them loose every time he opened his mouth
to speak
and devour your heart




it was the way he looked at you
like you were something real
like you were something beautiful

you aren’t, you try to tell him. tell him a million times, never tell him enough.

“That’s just the skin I wear.”

he must see that
(that you are a wretched thing, built sharp and toxic
that the blood doesn’t wash off your hands anymore
that he should be as far from you as he can get)


he must be blind you think
or stupid
but nobody’s ever made your heart skip like he did





it was the way he touched you
slow and soft
more like bruised fruit than
the knife that you were

you warned him that he would cut himself doing that
your skin was not meant to touch
but he still kissed your ****** lips
and held your treacherous hands
like things that were made for something so tender
such as love





you tell him that you are not

something living and breathing
something warm and glowing and beautiful
something human
something like him

but that boy
he loves you
he’d love you for anything


you love him too

it hurts

you’ve split open more people than you can count
stopped counting
but the way he looks at you-
eyes so wide
waves clashing against rock, harsh, deafening
pleading
desperate
rapids in his mouth as he speaks, a slurred fatal thing
“I don’t-”

but then the ocean goes silent and cold and still and-
you think that you’d like to split yourself apart

start at the stomach, your biggest knife
drag it up, bones scraping, through your spine
up your sternum, break every rib, until it reached your heart
rip that apart too
maybe you could breath then through what’s left of your lungs
maybe then you could get the taste of his blood out of your mouth

you drink poison to **** all your living parts
your bleeding parts
to **** all the things inside you that can feel
but you can still see the blood on your hands
but you still want to burn every inch of you that touched him

so

you **** and you **** and you **** and you ****
and you ****
and you
****
you **** everything you touch
you poison everything good
you remember the way he looked at you
eyes so wide
blood falling from his lips
a calamitous fatal thing
and-

it hurts

he
strolled into the room,
flickering
faltering
burnt at the edges
icicles in his throat
hand to his guts as they fell to the floor

and you wanted to go up and touch his face
wipe the blood from his lips
say
“Oh god no im sorry im sorry
im so ******* sorry”
But that won’t fix how split and broken and spilling he is inside

(always was that way, You should’ve known, stupid kid, You can’t fix everyone)

But this wasnt just anyone, never had been just anyone, you wouldn’t do this if it was just- anyone but
But
but

instead, you watch, eyes swimming with icy waters as he
picks himself up, bloodied hands cradling waterlogged lungs
intestines hung like tinsel
shattered little heart glittering on the ground
and
doesnt look at you
laughs cold and bitter and longing

“Feels like every other day, huh?”

you laugh
when she says that the world ends every other day
bitterly
longing
"i wish"

she says nothing
paint drips down her lips

you wanna say that
you are drowning dying someone save me im drowning
drowning
drown
ing

but instead you
let the fish swim in your lungs
harden your heart into a bright reef
spit up water, choke
say "i'm kidding"
"i'm joking, okay?"
"don't worry so much"

she sighs
does that a lot these days
like she knows
something
you don't

you pretend you've lost count
                                (feverishly, insides painted red and dripping-)
of how many times it's ended in "i'm sorry im sorry im so ******* sorry please come back"
"please listen"
"please dont leave"
(he won't and the door slams)

of how many times you've dredged yourself out of icy lakes to
grasp desperately at his clothes, his skin, his hair
breathing cold air into cold lungs, smearing paint onto his lips
to pretend
that this isn't another
                                                                (please god no)
                        
                                                      rewind

you tip the coffee to your lips, a dark brew, red dripping down the cup
and-
you know how this ends, but you always did, didn't you?

He's drowning hes dying someone save him hes drowning
hes drowning
              hes drowning
                             hes drowning
hes
always been drowning, stupid girl, didn't you know?
Didn't you?

sometimes the pills do it (32), sometimes the blades (48)
sometimes he just doesn’t wake up (25)
sometimes he climbs to the tallest building and-
                                                     rewind
rewind. rewind. rewind rewind rewindrewind rewind

you pretend that you've lost count
but you know
you always knew
that it would come to this, that it would end and
                                               (im sorry im sorry im so ******* sorry)
the only thing you could do was drown with him

sinking
sinking
sinking
into icy depths
watching
the fish swim by as your lips turn blue and his eyes close and your insides burn like a gallon of bleach and

you tip the paint to your lips, red falling from the corners of your mouth,
snaking down your throat, wrapping around your heart
you dredge yourself out of an icy lake and-
                                                      rewind

Oh....
You came.
You should’ve gone home, this is just a waste of time.
…
Why did you write that?
It was full of lies.
I don’t like lies.

And I don’t like you.
You smile all the time, never stop talking, and can’t seem to take a hint.
How am I supposed to get a word in?
You don’t leave any room for the truth in your mind.
It’ll be your downfall one day, honestly.
Maybe that day’s today.

Wait- are you crying?
Oh no, don’t do that please, I can’t stand to see you cry.
I-
It’s not your fault so please don’t cry.

I guess I should’ve been more clear.
Maybe then, you would’ve seen the police tape sooner.
And we wouldn’t be here.
But-
….
But I could never blame you for trying to see the best in people.


I’m...I’m not the one for you.
You said that I could’ve replaced the sun with how bright I shine.
That I’m the one poets serenaded for, and-
My smile was the only thing you needed.
That you loved me.

But you must be blind.

If I shined, then trash cans must be impossible to look at.
Because I’m about as good as the grime under my shoes compared to you.
And the only poets that write about me wear blue uniforms and shiny metal on their chests.

And this twisted thing on my face...couldn’t be called a smile.
It’s a mask at best, a scowl I sometimes flip around,
And about as genuine as a politician's silver tongue.
It’s a sham compared to the beautiful rise of your lips- a ***** fraud.


Honestly, darling-
Don’t look at me like that.
I know your hearts so large that it’s hard to see-
But I tried to show you sooner.
I tried to show you just how ****** up I was,
But you didn’t understand.

Please, do yourself a favor and get out while you can.

I break everything I touch,
Held together with elmers and staples,
A patchwork blend of hard-edged parts,
None of them fit together right.
They’ll cut you if you’re not careful.

I carefully forge my expressions in my heart-
Fiery hot like a potter’s kiln-
But so icy cold when the orders stop coming,
And suddenly there’s nothing.

So you see now, right?
I’m broken, a defective model.
I can’t do anything right.
So why would you waste your time on something like that?
When someone like you could have so much better-
Could have the world-
If you wanted it.

Maybe…
If you’d seen the walls I built-
All my sharp edges designed to keep the world away-
The caution tape I wore like bandages to warn people like you.

Maybe It wouldn’t have come to this.
I wouldn’t have to watch you cry over a ****-up like me.
I wouldn’t have to try so hard not to do the same cause ****-
The truth hurts- and oh god was this all too true-

I’m so sorry.

I shouldn’t have come.

I should’ve gone home instead of wasting your time here.

I should’ve written you a letter-
Full of words that come as close as possible to explaining how amazing you are-
And how I’m the complete opposite- a shadow of a person in your light.

Cause I love you so very much,
And I hate to see you cry.

“Hush..hush..hush”


Well not today, my lovely, darling, babe...

These stitches you lovingly laced in my lips,
I'm throwing them away.

Along with the fluttering butterflies, long dead anyways,
Saccharine smiles, wilted rose bouquets,

Looks like it's about to rain.

But I brought an umbrella, what about you?

What a shame, your suit is brand new!

And you just got your hair done today?

How could this happen to you?
,    ,     ,
  ,     ,     ,
,    ,    ,
   ,     ,   ,


I wonder if these raindrops remember us,

How it was,
Before it wasn't,

Before dancing in the rain drowned in the flood,
And love wasn't lost in the waves.

Sharks haunt these waters now,
Flattery lining their fangs,

Looking for starry-eyed babes in the wood to play with and entertain.
.
.
.
Until you don't care anymore,
And I'm here to look pretty and brighten your day.

But I still have something to say, my love,
For I've finally grown my own fangs.
And I'm tired of being a pretty show dog,
Tired of being contained.

One day, you'll look around and see that you're missing someone, something,
And I'll be happy, dancing, beloved, far far away,

And you'll be in some pain,

And It'll be far too late,

But maybe then you'll realize what you let wash away.

“^Betam ewodihalehu”, The man stares down at his lover.
“I haven’t seen you in so long”, He says, recalling the last time.
They were celebrating their anniversary, taking a trip to ^Addis Ababa,
Eyes shining brilliantly, skin warm under the sun, their hands linked,
Wearing a pink necklace.

They’d sat under their favorite tree, the one he’d proposed under,
The one he’d napped under, head in his lover’s lap
Staring up into cocoa eyes.
Staring up at the happiness dancing in those eyes.

He woke up and looked at the empty space on the bed.
Something was missing.
He made breakfast for two.
Someone was missing.  

He found him under their tree, dancing,
With a German necklace around his neck
Choking the happiness out of his sweet eyes.
“^The Western disease”, they said.

The man wondered if these times are really so different,
From the disturbing death of love in concentration camps,
Pink triangles pinned to lifeless frames,
From the accusations of being non-German just because
They didn’t show the same love.

He wondered why the world must be so hateful
That he had feared to hold his lover’s hand,
How so many had lost their lives in the name of
A warm, innocent, love that was no different
From their prosecutor’s.

He stares at the fresh ground, the wooden cross,
Feels the cold air chilling his face,
And wonders why of all the things,
The glorious history that his home contained,
They’d had to inherit the *******.

Someone once told me that everyone dies alone--- and all I could think when I heard such a thing was,
                  “What a lonely end that must be.”





But I don't want to die alone.
When I’m to meet my end, I would like to meet it with you, my lover, my family, my friend, and the stranger that may be reading this.

Sweet Death, give me anybody in this endlessly beautiful universe; I know you have someone to spare.

All I ask is that I do not die alone,

For to die alone-
Must be a terribly lonely end.