the first hour
all i could do
was think about him.
i would think about
how cold it is outside
and i wonder what my dads doing right now
was it hot or just warm
i mean it is the middle of may
and
what happend to **** barbaras fiancee
whyd they part?
id think about when the wifi connection'll get up and running
because i want to post this on my page successfully

the second hour
all i could think about
was him again.
what was he doing now.
did he miss me?
its so rainy and windy outside the plane
what if there's tubulence and i never see him again..
id think about him
then his little brother
then his dad
then Edgar.
ugh when that word comes out
it has an automatic ****** connotation to it
Edgar
ugh i really ha-disliked that man.
whyd he dislike me so much?
he wont even look at me

the third hour
its seven from where im from
and where im going its
four o clock
how does time work like that?
who came up with that?
so is it that if youre on the eastern side of the country
and you had an argument
and you travel to the western side
was it as if it never happened?
of course not so then
why
why is everything so complicated?
thats a generic question for sure.

the fourth hour
gosh this aircraft is small
so miniscule compared to the world
isnt it so odd that some people seem so prideful and big while seen from outer space in a plane
the plane looks like a moving ant
a moving ant to us
and as kids
we'd slowly torture them under a
microscope
on those extra hot days.
oh the days

the fifth hour
isnt it terrible
to be torn between two people?
forced to make a decision
about whos better
or whos more this and that.
the only dilemmas that i have are
choosing between
nutella or whipped cream
if i was still nine.
things just get more complicated as time progresses inevitably.

the sixth hour
we'll be making our descent soon
well hasnt this been an interesting ride.
now i know to never ever sit with
riley on an airplane
ever.

me and her,
who we'll call Aylah,
dated for a while but
I was abusive.
Physically and mentally
due to my childhood.
A year of putting up with me led
her into therapy
and she soon broke up with me..

After we still spoke from time to time
but she was much more
                 distant
and I don't blame her.
I was a terrible boyfriend to Aya
So to make up for the past..
(And I have improved)
I invited her to lunch with me..
but somehow the conversation spiraled
to how I was a terrible listener
and she wasted a year of her life staying with me..
that I was the reason she was still unstable and
she'll never fall for me again.
I said a couple of things as well..

She didn't respond.
One hour went by.
One day went by.
One week went by.
Until I finally got a text.

"I'm dying now." she said

"Wym?" i said.
I knew she'd never be a victim of self-harm.
I refuse to believe it.
It's just not in her nature.
her sweet, lovable nature
and for a year she put up with me.
She could handle this,
Right?
She wanted space and
that's what I'll give her.
She'd have to be joking.
She probably meant
her phone was dying.

Silly.

as I looked for my father
all around the campgrounds.
I realized I was only looking at the
dirt road and what was in front of me
(even though I was barefoot and trying to
step lightly on rigid rocks and pebbles).
I then looked up and
took a breath.
fresh air.
non-city air.
cigarette-less air.
I looked to the left and there it was
a breathtaking mountain
mostly inhabited by the greenery
of the area.
The sky was clear and it was as if
the clouds were following me at the
same pace.
Nature.
I feel that as a city girl,
I don't take advantage of my surroundings
as much as I should.
All the lights of the city.
The different people with their
assorted accents, dialects, and cultures.
Life is beautiful.
You just need to step back and
observe the good and
take advantage of it.

why does it always feel like every time
we interact we are either:
laughing or
arguing.
With everything that i do,
you always have an opinion or
some input that just needs to get out there.
(to a certain extent you should because you are my father)
We never really
talk
since you're either at work
or you're dealing with the three other kids
or you just want to talk with mom.
And i don't blame you.

But i just got used to
not being spoken to.
i started to like it.
everyone minding their own business.
Now you're trying to change things up and
have me open up more.
And i hate it.
Its so..
unusual.
I close up and then we get into
another argument..

predictable.

Tio Daniel,

I'm really happy that you decided
to join the Navy.
Just finished boot camp and then off to Japan, right?
I tried to go to your graduation
but my dad wanted to go himself
since he wasn't allowed to be there
for most of his little brother's life..

When we met for the third time
in San Diego, we spoke for
a while and I told you about
how I write and
how my mom is really tough on me about grades.
and you just sat back in your chair for a little bit
then looked at your girlfriend
and started telling me of how much I look like my father
but I'm like **** krystal because she always kept
journals when you and her lived in the group home
and that was her outlet
to get away from everything.
And through it all she turned out just fine.
A single teardrop made its way down your cheek
going right over your smile and then
you hugged me
and told me I'll be better despite everything.
Despite our family's past.
Despite what we still go through.
Despite our fear of the uncertain and uncharted waters.
must be why you joined the Navy.

When I was thirteen and I was playing blind chicken with my 2 siblings- let me paint the scene: Ten year old Noah was chasing eight year old Lilah in hot pursuit with a blindfold- I know it sounds terrible already but it gets worse- He then of of course knocked down the hutch in my room and thousands of dollars shattered on my floor in the form of porcelain. I remember my mother cried that night. Then came the screaming. It was a combination of delirium, disbelief, and her just being plain irate. After all of it, I went to her and asked her why she got so mad it was just some "glass dolls" and then she said I could've used it to pay off college loans easier in the future by selling them rather struggle like she was doing.

Wendy,

what we have is a
tough love.
To be respectful i
have to call you
****/auntie.
But honestly,
you're my age so i really wont.
You've got a lot of attitude
and you're never afraid to
speak your mind.
Sometimes im amused by it
but my amusement of that conduct
only lasts so long.

even though your tough,
i could be tough too.

You were't raised with my father
and grandpa's not around.
Then shortly after
you were seperated from your mother
for being with the man she's with.
Since all four of you were seperated,
you guys all came out different,
but grandpa's strong genes led you guys to
all have the same
eyes
eyebrows and
the gene that gives you the extra urge
to want you to act on your anger..
hence why grandpas' in jail.

From the way you talk and carry yourself,
i realized that you want to live the way your friends do
with families that seem to have their lives all together.
instead, you put up a barrier
giving off the impression of
you not giving anything and
you could care less and
you could handle yourself
fine.
But when i look in your eyes.
You're crying out for help.
Admit to me
you're broken and you need help finding the pieces
from the disaster that has destroyed
years worth of childhood memories.
that had destroyed you and
has forced you to grow up.
that had destroyed you and
now resorts you to tapping into your
grandmas liquor cabinet from time to time
to "let go"
just knowing it will come back to you
right after the hangover.

Gigi,

life at home is
rough to say the least,
No it's hard
I know.
You didn't even tell anyone that you
graduated with honor roll
even through dealing with your mom.
You never got distracted
and I admired that.
That's a good thing..so why don't you want people
to be happy for you?

I gave you my phone number
at the last family reunion,

you never texted or called.
I try to reach out but
you push me away.
You insist on keeping your
problems to yourself..but I want you to burden me
if you feel like you would if you did vent to me.
I realize the moments that you let loose,
I see the real you.
The old you.
The you that never really left.
but when you realize it
You just start to close up again.

Got so quiet

When I needed rain
You always left me in a drought
So I went a waze
And chose another route
No longer have to deal with fears or doubts

Makes you want to tie the noose
And hang loose
like all the kids do
in a world full of blue
Even though you always hide
I really tried to be like you
and hold these feelings
  
inside.
It's a constant fight
I put up with it with all might.
Now it's time for my silent goodbye.

Her teeth as white as my mothers porcelain doll
and itty bitty *******
with a rear that was particularly
grandiose
it was unsettling
yet her tan lines were
extra crucial.
Her thighs
the type you could use
as earmuffs
year round.
She had ******* of a dancer
Petite yet fitting her stature.
i miss her golden brown eyes that'd
glisten
and even when i’d be looking into the sunset
her pupils would still dilate when
looking at me.

i miss her sunkissed skin
and the way she'd attempt to hold back her
laugh whenever everyone in the
house was
sleeping.
i miss the way she'd look at me
all confused when me and
her mother spoke and glanced her way.
That conniving smirk.
She knew she could get whatever
she wanted
if she played her cards right.

how even
poets
come to a loss of words when describing
what love is like
and how you seem to make my life
go round even when it seems
like everything's crashing?
When I'm upset when you tell me
the things that go wrong in your life
and I'm incapable of helping you,
like family complications
I start to cry

I know I shouldn't..
I get all worked up with the things
I
can't change..
Im working on that..
You always say your stupid jokes
and it's crazy you make
everything
better.

"Love may oftentimes seem cliché
especially when we hear ourselves overuse terms such as:
'I love you to the moon and back.'
So what to say or better yet.. how to say it?
How can genuine love..the real kind.. the kind that isn't always happy and wrapped with a bow be expressed?"
but it's true.
I really do love you.
And even though I'm young
it doesn't mean
I don't know what it feels like..

I've been writing so much recently
yet

I still feel

hollow..

He says it's impossible without him,


but it's possible.

When you say
"I love you"

do you mean it..?



It seems so
practiced.

Only you
had the power to
stop me
but you
never

did.

"I'm a good girl that's only bad for you"


                                                          ­             "Well that's just tragic.."

I love you


by saying that does it show
weakness
on my part?

Yes I do still have your jacket
and
it does make me feel
'kewl'

you risk tears if you let yourself be tamed
the fox say-ed
the little prince remained
for some time exchanged
names and soon gained
a friend.
the little prince changed
rather than stay the same
to train
the fox. it soon became
time however that he needed to explain
his plan of him going away.
the fox was deeply pained
yet maintained
his supportive claim.
the fox remained
and things stayed the same
yet both of their wishes are stained
of possibly being joined back together again

My fears are
1: my father hating me for an actual reason to finally blame me for
2: you hurting me because I don't care about anyone's opinion anymore thanks to you but yours is highly upheld and considered
3: accepting that I don't belong anymore and go to where I do- a place where people aren't visible or heard from anymore unless they left a legacy behind

All you said was that your fears were
1: the unknown which is evident because of your second fear
2: yourself..and what you are capable of

You are so right.

I think I'm starting to fear your fears.

he was raised to love
not to hate
he really did love her
he never felt the same about anyone before her
and hopefully
there wouldnt be an after.

he was also raised in a household
where fighting
was a norm.
he saw everyday his mother getting yelled at and beaten
by his step-father
and he would be threatened to fight with him.
(and by agreeing, he felt that could possibly help his mother open her eyes)
he never thought he could hate
but he did.
he sincerely hated
with a passion.
so much so that he started to actually feel it.
literal heartache.
he started to fear himself
knowing that he could both
love and
hate so greatly.
with his love,
he didnt want her to know
but he had put up a barrier
between both
her and him.
she started to sense it though.
she wanted to love him wholeheartedly
but he just wouldnt
allow it.

he was too afraid to hurt both her and him.
putting up a barrier couldve been the exact thing that could save them.
Like his family that was separated yet together
both crossed between
love and hate.

its incredible how everyone views stars diffently
some who see the stars as the nightlights when the sun goes out
some who wish on the stars
some who dream about being that high like stars
some who hope to be stars someday
some who think they can count the stars
some who want to shut out the world and cry out against the stars
some who want to think that the stars are
pieces of heaven shinin' through in a world so cold and somber
those who know that theres more to our world past the stars
some who love to identify and track the stars
some who wish they can know where the stars came from to give praise to such wonderful creation
some who know where the stars and everything under it came from
some who have to give up on everything in their lives and are forced
to wallow about in the streets and give the stars names
some who are too busy to think about stars
some whove never really looked up from whats in front of them
but me
ill love them because theyll always be there for me
unlike these human beings

Everyone has a hero
Girls look up to their mothers
Boys look up to their fathers
sometimes viseversa
We always learn something from them
positive or negative
his father was supposed to be his hero
to save the day in times of distress
but his hero vanished
he didn't learn anything from
his hero but to
vanish when people need you
the most

Raj was so conservative
She always wore
so many layers
Even on the hottest days
in summer
in summer I rarely saw her
wearing skin
even when my friends from the barrio opened up the hydrant and we played in the street in our bathing suits
Raj they asked me for one day
I think back and
cower over what has
become of my poor friend
Raj
She was always covered up
that I rarely saw her
but to think now
I'll never
see her
again

punkin,
i just got home and i let you know
then you sent me to bed to explain why tomorrow
which could be today
or a couple of days ago
or weeks ago
it depends when youre reading this.
anyways
as you know in the last poem i wrote was about
you
about
us.
when i told you about how i remember things by month
i didnt tell you this but
when i think of november
i think of how i asked you
what youd change about me.
see im trying to be the best person i can be
especially to feel worthy of you.
even though i asked you three times
you still wouldnt answer me.
the first time
you were confused.
the second time
you said you didnt want to tell me
the third time
you told me you wouldnt change a thing about me
which in essence would mean that without a piece of me
i wouldnt be i.
are you following or did i lose you?
why am i asking questions in a poem as if you could answer me?
gosh im really weird
anyways
though
when i think of february or march
i think of when you asked me this question yourself.
i was startled at first
i didnt want to answer you
i didnt know how
i didnt want to tell you how i truly felt.
i didnt want to tell you how perfect i think you are
i didnt want to tell you that i thought you were foolish for the question
i didnt want to tell you how i still admire you
when im mad at you
i didnt want to tell you how youve changed me
made me see another side
of myself.
you told me that my writings may not seem good to me
but to you.
you love them
and i may never see it
but you do..

take me
where nothing matters
time stands still
no hatred
corruption
and war
take me
where the grass
is greener
where there is
fresh air everywhere
no worries to beware
of terrorism anywhere
no worries
about the dreamkillers
and the doubters
somewhere
someday
You shall take me
to this
better atmosphere

i want to escape
i want to drink to future accomplishments
i want to love
i want to ***** up
i want to dance
i want to forget
i want to make the promise to love you forever
i want to make the perfect poem
so much pressure to make
the perfect poem.
instead of all these feelings
ill just talk about anything.
i live in the middle of
somewhere and nowhere and
life is crazy and terrible and good all at once.
and i do my best to exist just for you

Tonight
Im having trouble
sleeping again.
So I am writing.
You seem not to care
and forgotten about your
****** jacket and so it stays
across my room.
folded.
in the closet.
inside of my bin of clothes
Im gettin rid of which is also next to the
bin of clothes
that surely dont fit
anymore

Two days ago
I couldnt fall asleep again
Crap, i forgot to take my pills.
I grabbed your jacket again
thinking it could help me in some way.
Thinking too hard about the possible ways
it was helping me in a magical way,
I started reminiscing
about how good you are.
And how great of a father you
could be.
hold up.
kids?!
What am i on right now?!
god its late.
id lean back again and give your collar
more kisses and
an embrace.
And i drifted sound asleep
to the faint sound
of your laughter.

I couldnt fall asleep three days ago
so i layed down with the jacket that you gave me
at the anniversary party we both went to
where i got
"cold".
I missed you okay?
There
you have it.
i missed you
and i started giving
the collar of the jacket
kisses.
weird
i know but i had to.
I fell asleep eventually
knowing you were doing fine.

She left him
desolate
after countless months
left him with depression and
an aching heart
The real issue is that
he still loves her
after she moved on
he didnt
He has to suffer while
shes thriving
Hes stuck with the
emotional pain for her
his longing
for her
love ends too quickly
while heartbreak
lasts too long

Confusion
feelings and thoughts
jumbled together
secrets kept
drama spread
wallflowers noticing
geeks studying
normal
no such thing
Everyone's trying to
fit in
but then you think
'Are they the ones for me'
like shoe shopping
some too dull
some you'd never want
to be seen in public with
some too perky
and rarely you come across
ones
you truly
fall in love with

why do i feel like writing is the only proper
means of expression for myself?
why do i have trust issues?
i always need to look at people twice,
and still often because people themselves alter so much in a lifetime there is something new to be observed in them constantly
why does he keep coming back to me after all ive put him through?
the real reason...
why does he make my thoughts jump from admiration, to then love, to then thoughts of matrimony?
its a little odd honestly how i can come up with questions like these in a single moment.
but its what you wanted to hear.
you didnt want my pain and baggage to to be only on me
but on you too.
which is why you kept reading this.
these are thoughts that cross my mind when i feel unworthy of living
or just in a contemplative mood
even this silent violence makes my days quite somber
i cant put into words but yes
i do feel like i want to put the world on pause sometimes
and i know im not the only one that feels this way
so dont look at this poem like a fat kid looking at kale chips
that is why you see me
but sometimes
not there
sometimes quiet is violent

Today
I was thinkin'
bout all the girls
and boys
that turned 'to
girlfriends and boyfriends
straight outta their
playpens bein'
frightened by their
fears of aliens and boogiemen
Today
I was ponderin'
bout that girl I saw
wanderin' and
squanderin' her life
away on him
Today i was thinking
about the ones who spend there months
chasing the moon and like floatin'
Today
I got to wonderin' 'bout
the children who were
outspoken
listened
and paid attention
to the instruction
they were given
as young ones
and grew up to be
doctors, physicians,
and firemen

ugh
its her again
the girl who walks with her head down whenever
she passes by
the girl that lets her wild and curly brown hair hang in front of her face
in her book with a fast going pen that if she were to lift her writing tool the lead would be sizzling.
she had a terrible face
a b.r.f if you will.
she always looked like she never had anything nice to say.
i wonder if she wished she was different
if she secretly loathed it.
(she did)
if she wished she could show how
happy she
possibly was.
(she did)
god if only i can see through her.
'lighten up'
theyd tell her with a little pat on the shoulder and a half smile
im trying..
shed reply in a low voice looking back into her book
i want to get rid of this side of me.
its hated by everyone i meet and i dont want to be judged by his side of me anymore..
if only i was shown how

if only youd notice me again. what i did was wrong but when i steal glances of you in the silence, old memories of the word 'us' would start to flood in. and i miss it..so so much. usually im happy with my emotional state but when i see you.. i start to regret all that led up to now. i wish things didnt have to play out the way they did. im so sorry they did. something had to happen it was either him or.. you. and i chose him. thinking about all the bad that we went through. letting it shadow over all of our good times together. i miss the way youd laugh and then once your laughter would start to die out like the flames that you once started in my heart, youd simply smile and look at me and id feel like you could really see through..as if for one more second you could really make me never see another again. so many- so many feelings and i dont have words to narrow it down. i guess you could just say im rambling now. i guess im not making any sense now..sorry..again.

shes slowly dying inside, and
no one can tell
She wants to
run.
from the daily affairs
that choke her
of her
sanity
Its always do this,
but dont do it now
not yet
and dont take too long with it
and make sure you do this
when you say that
because imagine what everyonell
think of you if you did say or do that
Its too much to process/handle
when do you have time to
sleep?
to eat?
to recreate?
theres no purpose to keep
going..to keep my strained pulse beating..
She wants to run to the
farthest point on the Earth
possibly off..
but why she feels this way nobody knows
"its just the turbulent teenage years"
they said
so she did run
and nobody
noticed...
She started to fade away every weekend
when she was under the **** moon
no one could hold her down
when she felt like flying
like
soaring..
until she had enough

and smoothly descended back to

her ground

when im alone
and i have nothing to
direct my attention to
i wish i had my fill
of the things that are known to **** you.

its been a little while
that ive been clean of it

but i need it.

i get itchy
and twitchy
and thirsty
without it
my throat feels like its on fire
and the only thing that could cool my case
was another fill.

without it
i’d have these extrodinary headaches, real irritable
and i’d feel like i saw the room slowly crumbling down
and the floor would spin from beneath me
which it never did.

once i had another fill
it was as if it made my stomach full again
it felt like a three course meal
in one small compact dose.
so
so
tasty
yet terrible.
its tearing my family apart
and i know this but when my mind starts
thinking about moments like those.
where i felt really infinite.
i start to crave
for another fill.
another fill
just
one  
more
wont hurt.
at least for today..

the inviting fire
the one that did a little dance
when i lit the wick in the lavender candle in my room,
when the whole house was silent
and i could hear the whisps of the
inviting fire.
the decieving fire
dancing so beautifully
to the rhythm of every breath
i take in and
out
making me just want to
hold it in my hand and watch
it dance in my palm- but knowing
that the beautiful thing would hurt me
i dont attempt.
Tip it over on my bed and
it could end you and me mom said one night.
the blazing fire
the bright flame
that would light up the gold in my eyes
when i focused in the mirror in the dark
only source of light being the candle.
the fire
it could hurt
but maybe one day
I'll dance with
the flame

where it seemed like i’d pick a
flower for every
worry
every anxiety
every flaw i saw
but didnt have.
The few succulents
would
soothe my nine and a half year old
mind.
the cool wind
that would uptake
my body when i was
flying
in the local park swings.
i swore i was soaring.
i’d close my eyes
and if i could just lean
to touch the blossoming tree over the gate
and at least pull a little flower bud off-
id look like a real angel.
tudor park,
where id run
sweat beading all over,
stopping at moments
panting like a big dog to cool off and then
I’d start all over again.
forgetting about how sick i felt
forgetting the big news i heard
about my mom
forgetting i’d have to be a
big sister for the third time.
just running.
not thinking.
getting lost at times
and being fully content with it.
i want to go back to these days
at tudor park
tudor park,
when my dad was done
playing basketball
i remember,
he’d asked me what i’d been doing
by the bed of flowers
I’d stay silent,
gathering a flower out of the soil
one by one
and he’d say i’d turn out to be just
like my mother.
I have her eyes.
He didnt know how right he was.