My Journey Through Madness

Jul 2017

Iz

You tell me not to be stressed
about food, gym and health
you tell me not to be obsessed
and you remind me those days when
I would eat a whole bar of chocolate
without knowing what calories were
But let me clarify one thing
it's not that easy
Those voices in my head
are controlling myself
and I'm trying to defeat them
but I'm getting tired
as they **** all my power
I swear I fight them back
and sometimes I win
but sometimes I take
one step forward and two steps back
so I'm always here
surrounded by anxiety and fear
60…59…58…57….56…55
just simple numbers on a scale
but as they decrease
I feel so powerful, yet so scared
to cross the line
dividing sanity from insanity
and suddenly I'm walking on a tightrope
trying not to fall
into the darkest of all holes

#society #mind #food #new #eatingdisorder #body #personal #sanity #weight #scale

Jul 2017

Sleepz

I was just a kid

When I think about my child hood,
I can only think of all the times I was yelled at,
the times I felt I wasn't good enough,
wasn't strong enough,
wasn't smart enough,
I wasn't ****,
I was just a kid.

Back when I was a kid,
I remember having dreams,
seeing demons in them,
killing everyone I ever loved.
Seeing my parents seeing my siblings,
thinking,
I watched you die last night.
What kind of movies did I see?
What sins did I commit to deserve that?
Did I not pray enough?

When I was a kid,
I used to play on the swings,
I used to play with other kids,
I used to be a happy kid.

When I was a kid,
I started being afraid to go to sleep,
because I felt like the monsters under my bed were gonna pull me by the legs.

When I was a kid I remember feeling hatred,
I remember I wanted to be able to **** up everyone I knew in a fight,
that's What made me feel strong,
having the confidence to never lose.

When I was a kid,
I could spell every word I ever heard,
even if it was new.
I remember I was the only one who had to work hard just to get a super citizen award ,
now they just come to me without doing anything at all?

When I was a kid this world made complete sense,
do What your parents tell you and you'll live a Long life.
I was bullied when I was 9,
I rebelled at age 12,
because I decided they don't know What's best for me.
I got in my first fight at 14 because I decided I wanted to be cool.
I got locked up when I was 15 because
I had bigger ***** then I could handle.
I won an award for scholarship & citizenship at age 16 because
I was the most successful.
At this age I was a big kid who still had nightmares.
At age 17 I began to become impatient,
I beat someone even after they were unconscious,
the nightmares still haunt me to this day.
At age 19 I won an award for swim instructor of the year.

And now?
Am I a good enough person for you?
Will you hire me to work for you?
How about you start by accepting my application to Harvard..
Or how about I make things easier for myself and just go to prison
and have a scar for ever person that I stab in the throat.
You talk about your dreams coming true,
only my nightmares have been Real to me.
And now not even the sky can be trusted.
You wanna know the truth?

I don't care much about how bad of a kid I was,
because I am the person I am today;
better than you.
Goodnight society.
And remember, I was just a kid.
I'll never forgive you society,
because I would spend every night looking at the stars thinking I'd never become one.

To come to think of it society,
I don't really want to be one anymore
Because in my nightmares I used to see stars die.
Same way you will.
Goodnight society,
have a good sleep.
I hope the monsters get to you society,
and I hope your nightmares become a reality to you as Well.
Cause I don't deserve it,
I'm just a kid.

#life #memories #dark #society #childhood #success #emotional #lessons #intense

Jul 2017

Camila

Living to die.

I lived (unconsciously) to die.
Reckless behavior, bending the rules.
I wanted to **** the butterflies he had given me,
drown them in ***** and whisky.
I tried riding in cars with unknown boys to fill the deep void.
I lost count of the beds I  woke up in,
I lost count of the nights I cried myself to sleep
I hated the loneliness in the morning after having someone next to me.

Live fast and die young.
Excess was not enough.
I wanted everything faster, higher, stronger.
More music, more "friends", more shots, more kisses
More....
               More...
                             More..
I didn´t realize I was slipping through my own hands.
Less time,  less life, less love, less of me.
Less...
           Less...
                      Less...
I kept pushing the buttons of whatever god that was keeping me safe
and I let my demons become the owners of who I usted to be.

I thought I was living the life,
but I was already dead inside.

MJML
Inspired by one of my best friends who went through depression, with the help of her family and us, her friends, she finally made it and is now sober and truly happy or at least getting there.

#sad #depression #anger #life #death #alcohol #strength #emotions #strong #youcandoit

Jul 2017

R M

Before Hello

I try not to worry
her
So much that sometimes
I answer
I’m fine
before
Hello
when she calls
because I know to her
I’m still more bone than
skin
I’m an empty bottle of
pills
One breath away from non
existence
A blood stain she scrubbed
with her tears
I’ve already worried years
off of her life
while trying to end
my own
So when she phones to
to check on me
I’ll always be fine
no matter what is
going on in my life
and sometimes before
Hello

#hello #mother #suicide #anorexia #depession #eating #disorder #worry #recovery #im

Jul 2017

DJ

What She Hides

She walks the halls,
Head held high.
Everybody hates her,
I don't understand why.
She is full of beauty,
Inside and out,
She tries hard to keep everyone happy,
Excluding herself.
A huge argument arose,
Sitting at the lunch table,
She runs off down the hall,
And I follow her,
When she realized I was there,
She turned around,
In tears,
And said,
"Why does everyone hate me?
I never meant to hurt anyone.
I tried cutting myself.
I took a handful of sleeping pills.
I always look happy,
But I'm depressed.
Smoking was the only thing,
Making me feel normal."
I didn't know what to say,
She has broken,
Her tears prove that,
This happy and beautiful girl,
Turned out to be depressed.
I promised her I am always here,
I promised myself I will help pick up her broken pieces.
Her mask is gone,
The veil is up.
I know what she hides,
And it's messed up.

#depression #selfharm #cutting #sadness #suicide

Jul 2017

Meg

Thorns

When you fail at loving others, you won't think of suicide.
Because suicide is the imaginary house you built with her.
Suicide is the family and life you built with her in the late night time.
When you fail, you will hide all the knives in your house.
If you get your hands on them, you'll carve her name into every surface you can reach. This includes yourself.
Her smile is almost equivalent to kittens, I say almost because kittens couldn't light your heart on fire like her smile does.
The few times you've touched her hair, will be the few times you remember so late at night when your demons are suffocating you.
You always got mad when she spoke bad about herself.
If she loved someone as imperfect as you, how did she hate herself?
Its all silly thoughts.
She never loved herself, but loved every inch of you.
But, you are the same. You loved absolutely every inch of her. But never loved yourself.
She was the cream and sweet touch to every scar upon your thighs and arms.
She melted you down and made you feel good.
That one day you lost her. And guilt spreads in your chest like a cage trying to contain a garden of thorns.
Your stomach rumbles of hunger, but you're not hungry.
You resist eating, and your stomach is ripping from the inside.
Her hair, her smile, rips you apart more than your stomach.
More than the guilt that is spreading in your chest.
When she doesn't answer your messages, you can see yourself on the 32nd floor of a building.
You watch as your own heart jumps out of your chest and commits suicide on the pavement.
You are sorry for being a failure to such a beautiful ray of sun.
Her eyes will wonder to others, while yours will continue to stay on her.
Even though she took your mind off your tics, and disorders.
Even though she made you feel safe, almost as though you stopped suffocating.
You have to smile, because she smiles.
And God, you love that smile.

#lgbt #selfharm #suicide #eating #disorder

Jul 2017

Meg

I would like to apologize

In advance
Because what I'm about to tell you won't make you dance
You see
I've dealt with heartbreak and I plea
I plea because for some reasons the one time I give heartbreak back
It suddenly hits my face with a smack
Maybe I shouldn't pretend that I'm something I'm not
Maybe I'm not cut out to be what my parents said I ought
She was someone to me
She was someone who actually knew who they wanted to be
You see
She was my star
She asked me and I bashed her down, creating an even bigger scar
I was nervous
I was afraid to love again
She swept me off my feet and taught me to feel even when I no longer felt the desire then
What I did to her I can still feel in my veins
I've brought a knife and carved her name
I lost the one person who liked me as me
You see
I would like to apologize in advance
For what I've told you won't make you dance

#suicide #selfharm #want #desire #heartbreak #pain #apologizing

Jul 2017

beautiful tragedy

Untitled

I'm sorry but it comes to a point that I dont want to live anymore
I'm always asking the same **** question "what am I waiting for?"

I'm trying so hard to be ok and trust me I want to live
But I'm giving it my all , I just dont got no more to give

I'm honestly tired of everything I already feel dead
I have a headache, I'm tired of hearing these ******* voices in my head

I'm calling out for help , but you cant see a hand when its reaching from the dark
You wanna know my story? Look at my body and follow the paths of marks

This world is ******* me up and I'm tearing myself down as well
As much as I run, jump and play I can't help to feel locked up in a cell

I'm really tired of the pain, I'm trying to be strong
But you cant tell a girl to continue fighting when shes been fighting for to long

Why continue when nothing changes, I'm just going to be in the same place
Yes I'm Gods gift to the world but I am sorry God but I just feel like a waste of space

I just want everything to end, I just want the pain to go away
I just want to walk around able to actually say that I'm OK

I just wish I can start my life all over and fix things
But no I'm just the puppet of my mind being controlled by strings

God I am begging you to please help me
I just cant take it anymore, I just want to spread my wings and be free

Your child cant take it anymore, she doesnt want to disappoint you and give back the gift you gave her that is called "life"
How could your child use this gift when she doesn't even feel alive?

The sad thing is that some people dont understand and they see you but dont do anything about it
So I am tired of this game so I just wanna quit

Please help me....please

I am not ok but hopefully I will be. Thank you to the people that read my work and actually take the time to read it. I appreciate it so much you dont understand how much that means to me. My writing keeps me going and knowing people enjoy my work makes things better so...you guys are also a reason that keeps me going haha..Thank you.

I'm also going to be off for awhile so if anyone wants to hold contact just message me.

#tired #depressed #giving #up #dead #contemplating #suicide

Jul 2017

Marshall CB Hiatt

Life

I want to feel like king again.

And feel loved and safe. I feel so alone and cold. Like I'm sleeping in an unenclosed barn in some tundra and the doors keep flapping open and my sleeping bag has holes and it's been years since anything besides spiders and moss has lived in here.

I feel like all the warm families and all the soft lovers have vanished and left me to my own devices. Like the last man on this cold, dead earth. I want to have purpose again. A reason to wake up and a reason to not throw a bullet through my brain.

I feel like I have asthma, or the air is so frozen it hurts my lungs. I can't breathe and my skin is starting to boil and my hair feels so unkempt and my beard just keep ******* growing no matter how many times I shave it. ******* I want everything to stop, but not freeze, I want the badness to go away and the goodness to come back.

I feel like I'm reverting. I'm devolving into the lesser person I once was, I'm losing what defined me. I want to fade away entirely or come back in full, not stay at 70% opacity and kind of just float here in limbo. I want to know that I'm not wanted, or be told that I am. I don't want to have to guess and play guessing games with life.

Being born is the most cruel gift I've ever been given. I am so very lucky to be born, such low odds of it happening, and at this golden time nonetheless, but GOD do I suffer in this golden gift. I am obliged to live a life, and a full one, but that life is inherently founded in suffering and constant war with attrition and loneliness and disease and age and heartbreak and cancer and hatred and cold. And we fight these things and it makes us happy, but we have to keep fighting and fighting and fighting for that happiness. We can't just rest and be happy because it will all start to crumble. Your money will dry up and your health will decline and you will get cancer and you will succumb to dark mental places and you will lose everyone you love if you stop fighting. So we don't have a choice we have to just KEEP FIGHTING. God, I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of suffering for the sake of avoiding a worse suffering. I want to just float. Just put the car in cruise control and coast at a healthy spot. But I can't.

Not with my mind. Not with my wallet. Not with my heart.

Life is the cruelest luck.

#bipolar #suffering #depression #suicide #life #love #hate #money #success #happiness