hiding inside the darkness
peering out into the light
only to find
that my soul hates the bright--
too much to comprehend
too much to grasp
the dark seems safer for me
and I keep wanting just to clasp
its safety and its comfort
for darkness brings only quiet
and light brings all the sound
'make it stop!', my inner voice screams
as I fall in a heap onto the cold, hard ground...

Just because you can’t hear me doesn’t mean I’m not there.
Every moment is a waking nightmare
Of anxiety and all I see’s a dangerous path that leads to apathy.
Just because I’m still kicking and breathing and fighting
Doesn’t mean that I’m not struggling
Doesn’t mean that I’m not juggling every single task
With kicking, breathing, and fighting just to stay afloat.
Just to keep from drowning.
Just to keep from shaking and crying and breaking and dying and
Screaming out to the world

I am not okay!

And you know what that’s okay.
Because I don’t have to be okay every single day just to be able to say
Everything is fine.
Everything is not fine.
And when the world comes crashing down around you
And you feel like you’re about to burst because of all the emotions that you aren’t feeling
And when the world starts reeling and spinning under your feet
And you feel like you’re sinning because you don’t feel complete,
Take a moment

To breathe.

Because no matter what you believe
One day you will feel again
You’ll feel the sun on your face, a loved one’s embrace and then
You’ll finally feel
alive.

The iciness of his words
couldn't have hurt more
had he taken the icicle from
the overhang of my roof
and stabbed me
clean through to
this heart of mine.

Rigid and unforgiving
his breath spewed from his tongued mouth
forcing me to step back and wince
for so often the stench he breathes
brings harm to my soul
and wrecks havoc on the pieces of me
that once were whole.

'Tis only a memory now--
but still,
late at night
it comes back,
haunting me
taunting my senses
making me feel
as though
I should flee--
but where to go?
who to turn to now?
he's locked away--
but still...
those words, his evil
has a grip on me
somehow...

Perhaps if I go back to sleep
I'll find that on the morrow
I will still be alive
and can wash this nightmare
from my soul
and begin anew--
I keep thinking...
perhaps in the morning
I can just let it all go...
morning comes in only an hour or two...

None can ever say
that I did not try
to find my way--
I traveled all the way here
to start a new life
to escape the fear
of living with a monster
that never stayed under the bed--
instead he lashed out daily
and bashed in my head
and when I ran with all my might
to escape the abuse, the fear
he somehow found his way
and discovered me here--
so I had to resort to legalities
begging the law
to just take him away--Please.

He's in jail now
for quite a long time--
you see he finally committed
a heinous crime
of killing someone
with his bought and paid for gun
and I hope he does many years
so I will no longer have to run--

none can ever say
that I didn't try
to find my way
to make a real life
right here...
so that I won't have to hide
and live in fear
of monsters that don't stay under the bed
and of wondering  when it will be me
who they find lying dead...

Those messages you sent
to me in the dark of night
mean no more now
than they did
when we used to fight.
Just stay out of my life
and leave me alone!--
I don't want you anymore
and no, I won't come home--
I have no home
with you anymore
and I wish somehow
you'd just ignore
that we ever were a couple
for any length of time--
you hit me, you spat on me
you committed a crime
and NO, I will not take you back
and give you ONE MORE CHANCE
you see, I've already done that;
already danced that Dance--
and I don't need a repeat
of what I considered a living hell
so get the eff out of my life
and know this:
I do NOT wish you well!