They tell me,
'Just try it on, you don't have to wear it the next day.'
Oh isn't that so easy for you to say,
When you've cast all your morals away?

I don't miss you.
I don't know why I think I do.
Because if you were here right now,
I don't even know how
I would live my life.
I can feel you creeping up again,
Trying to get back in,
Trying to tie up those pesky loose ends.
It ends here now before it ever begins.
I'm not going to let you hurt me again.

Don't ******* reach out to me;
Just leave me alone.
I don't want to go out;
I want to stay home.
I don't want any warmth;
I'm used to the cold.
So,
Let me freeze here until I grow old.

I just want out,
I just don't care.
How am I feeling?
I'm not even aware.
My eyes are empty,
Am I standing here?
Or am I just floating in the air?

Clumsily, carelessly spewing out words
That now I would take back, if I could.
I idolized you, losing my value,
Standing by as your ego just grew.
Now I only have myself to blame
As you look down on me
With no intention of equality.

I feel too much.
I judge too quick.
When I see a flaw, I just pick, pick, pick.
I'm too much of a perfectionist.
It's something I will never admit.
I'm too empathic, I care too much.
It is nearly impossible to earn my trust.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm in love or lust.
Sometimes I just want to give up.

Like a case of fine jewelry,
My vulnerability is on display.
It would be locked up tight though,
If I had my way.

She needs you because she feels,
And when she does, it's all too real.
Conveniently,
You are her fantasy.
Through you she lives vicariously -
The bitter queen of apathy.

Burying all those burdens,
Saving all those dreams,
Sometimes it's much, much better,
More promising than it seems.

I love what you do to me,
Sickeningly sweetening,
Viciously inviting,
Altogether frightening.

If I could just meet you, for one second,
Make direct contact, know that you exist.
If I could just be you and feel that wonderful feeling, both relieving and thrilling.
If you could show yourself to me, I would learn to be happy.
But, there's this painful reality
Where you can only be
An ever evasive shadow.
Selfishly you side-step the light, unaffected when you leave me empty and shallow.

Planting subtle seeds of uncertainty,
Like a well-orchestrated symphony
At the right time, right tempo,
The manipulation is all mental.

You remind me of him,
Living life on a whim.
Chance of facing consequences is slim.
Deceptive and dangerous, charisma's contagious.
The way you insist on having control is outrageous.
I guess I'm just getting to know you in stages
And I don't like the person underneath all those faces.

Fake, fake, fake.
Whatever could it take
To break your false exterior,
To believe you're not superior?

Pain, pain, pain.
What is it that you gain
By inflicting it on others
With absolutely no shame?

Pushing people away
Has always been my great forte.
To their utter confusion,
I do not pursue them
When they walk the other way.

I thought I really didn't matter to you; I thought you didn't care.
A chance to prove me wrong is what I simply couldn't spare.
So wrapped up in my delusions and depression, blind to any kind of progression.
I didn't see you grow, I wouldn't let you show.
You could have been there, if I had dared
To reach out for help, to admit that I was scared.

I am so quiet on the outside
So loud within
And maybe you can hear it,
If you really listen.

Sometimes I just want to scream
Assuring myself it's all a bad dream
Lying to myself so it won't seem
As hopeless.

I'm stuck in this gray place,
Just trying to get by everyday.
Why did I ever settle for this way
Of life?

When a chill goes up and down my spine
When I finally realize that you're mine
I should be grateful, happy, should feel fine
But I find myself walking such a fine line.

It's funny how I feel for you
Like when you make the sky turn a perfect blue
Like when you make it all seem so brand new
All these beautiful things you do.

I am not in love with you like a boy loves a girl
And you are not the center of my world
Yet you are such an important puzzle piece,
Such an essential part of me.

Everything just goes black.
A no breathing attack.
I tried for so long, imagine that.
Wherever I came from,
I'm now going back.

What's happening to me
All of a sudden
I don't understand
I wake up not knowing what time it is,
Maybe not even what day it is.
I panic, not knowing where I am
Or if I do know, it just doesn't seem real.

I can't understand why I do it
Every day, it drives me insane.
If only I believed I was better than this.
If only I respected myself more.
Living life the same, day after day.
I just want this monotony to go away.

Here is the line;
Be careful, it is fine.
You better not try me;
I'm an expert at feeling angry.
Watch where you step,
Or crack an eggshell with regret.
It's all just a stupid test.
Even I haven't figured it out yet.

Closing my eyes
Trying to envision some kind of prize
A gold medal at the end of the day
Could it wash my apathy away?

I built this beautiful castle of lies
All around me
Searching for some truth,
And finding nothing.

I remember the first few times
When I just tried to put it out of my mind.
I would replay the events and edit each part.
I would switch the finish with the start.
A chaotic scene, a jumbled mess.
Images racing through my head.
After I pressed pause, part of me stopped.
Then another part just started back up.
I'm moving forward while I'm standing still.
I'm feeling that friction; it's giving me chills.

Whenever this happens,
I just white it out.
I keep opening up to you,
Despite all my doubt.
Looking back, I always come to regret it,
Wishing I didn't feel so weak and pathetic.
Erase, erase, erase
Anything that can save face
Anything that keeps me out of that dark, helpless place.

You can't shut me up, you can't get rid of me.
I will always be here, no matter what you do.
You can love or hate me, but I'll still be part of you.
You can try to drown me in alcohol or blood,
But I'll stay in my place, welcoming the flood.

The chaos in my mind has been brewing
So quietly, so still.
It's driving me crazy; I would rather be ill.
I just want to feel, again and again.
I don't care if it hurts; I want the pain to seep in,
To every part of me so I know that I'm here,
So I can face that real reflection in the mirror.
I want to see those eyes shed at least one single tear;
I am so sick of that blank, empty stare.

We spent so long building foundations so strong.
Now it's like they were never there; they are forever gone.
Was it all just an illusion?
Was it all just a dream?
Whenever I hear from you, that's just how it seems.
I don't hear warmth in your tone or even familiarity.
I don't think you ever truly loved me.

Trust me, it is my last resort.
I would rather paint a picture,
Write a song,
Find a place where I feel I belong.
It is not the first thing on my mind,
But I just can't seem to leave it behind.

Please do not be afraid
Breathe in the air, deeply,
Knowing fully that you are alive.
And even if you were to die,
Right now, right here,
You wouldn't really die.
Flesh decays; it grows frailer with age.
And where it once was,
Your soul remains.

Special, the way they look at you.
Special, the way they walk too.
Special, the way they smile.
And to see them you would walk a million miles
Away.

Shallow people crave shallow love.
It's all they know, all they're made of.
Somewhere along the line, they never learned
How to have compassion, how to wait their turn.
They are high maintenance, always vying for your attention.
If they feel they don't have it, they throw a tantrum.
Self-esteem? Yes, I think they should get some.
Respect for others? They really have none.

It's funny how sometimes you can't see something
Until it's right in front of you.
Then suddenly what you believed, what you always knew,
It all turns out to be true.
It is one of the best feelings,
Knowing your faith was not in vain.
I'm just standing here, looking out at the rain,
Thinking of how much you've relieved my pain.

I never thought I'd feel this way.
I tried, but I failed to push you away.
Then when I finally let go and caved,
You said you can't afford to stay.
I'm left feeling all kinds of grays.
Don't even know if I'm sad or amazed
That you would just up and leave
And now it's getting so hard for me to believe
That this is ultimately for the best,
That this is in your best interest.
I'm not the one to determine that though,
So I'll support you, as I watch you go.

Trust me, I am the perfect assassin.
I've been trained perfectly, to seek out my enemies,
Anyone who appears weaker than me.
I can sense that lack of strength from a mile away.
I can take them all down in less than a day.
I know what kind of words will make them cringe;
I know how to fight, I know how to win.

I remember that day,
That day you walked with me.
I remember it felt like peace and harmony.
It was refreshing in all of its simplicity.
My friends, my family, they all neglected
What I had to say, the questions children ask every day.
It did not matter what kind of attention you gave.
Even if it was negative, it was a drug that I craved.
You may not have understood, but you knew it, didn't you?
You knew that I truly, desperately needed you.
Exploitation was your art.
I wish I had seen it; I wish I was smart.

Weak, vulnerable.
Ugly, undesirable.
Lazy, unmotivated.
These swirling thoughts of hatred.
Gripping me tightly, along with these memories,
Getting the best of me,
Showing no sympathy.
I hold my head in my hands, desperately,
Begging for the chaos to come to an end.
You try to help; you try to step in.
It's of no use; these voices will win.
There's one of you and hundreds of them.
Still you insist on protecting; you want to defend.
It is like a tornado in my mind.
If you think you can change that,
You must be blind.

Poor pathetic girl
Thinks that she'll always fail
Thinks all her friends are not real
They are as good as enemies to her
The line between power and love
So perfectly blurred.
She sees evil in innocence,
Innocence in evil.
She does not know if she should hate or pity the devil.
Should she be kind or cruel to those who hurt her?
Do they have good or bad intentions - she can't decipher.
Well, she always has to be the best at whatever.
Always has to be charming, always has to be clever.
Putting herself under all of this pointless pressure.
Why can't she admit that she does need others?
Why can't she see that people do care?
Why has she been walking the path to nowhere?

I don't care what you want.
I will take what I want.
I will get what I want.
You can't make me open up.
I won't leave myself weak
On an island that no one can reach.
You are testing my patience.
I never promised you trust.
I never said that I must.
Shut up, that's enough!
You don't like this, then tough.
You don't have to stick around.
There is no obligation here to which you are bound.
You can run away anytime, so go ahead.
You are not the first one;
You certainly won't be the last.

There's a saying that we are our own worst enemies.
The more I learn about myself, I have to agree.
It is not my friends nor my family
That will end up being the death of me.
Words in my head, words so mean,
Words that drive me to cry and scream.
Sometimes I can't believe this is happening;
Sometimes it all just feels like a bad dream.
The more you live in your own head, the more you hide,
The more you suffer and the less you confide
In the people who could help you understand why
You shouldn't believe in these horrible lies.

Sometimes I'm left wondering -
Did you enslave me or did you set me free?
Your selfish actions posed as my best company.
A sense of power is what you gave to me;
In return, I granted you a sense of relief.
It was some kind of silent agreement that we reached.
It was some kind of agreement begging to be breached.
I still think of you sometimes, and I have to ask,
"What was he thinking when he did that?"
It disturbs me that most of it was just an act.
It hurts me that you didn't use more tact.

This whole time
You were going through the same thing as I...
And god ******, why didn't I even try?
I could have done so much more, and it makes me cry.
Now I'm left asking myself, why, why, why?
Well, now I've seen the other side -
What happens when you follow your petty pride.

This gap between us makes no sense;
I want to tear apart my stupid shield of defense.
I want to put all of these foolish fears to rest.
I want to say, "**** the past, **** regrets."
I want to be part of people's world again, to re-connect.

Butterflies flit around in my stomach.
My blood boils, and I feel sick.
I've tried so hard to ignore it -
Dreams for the future,
Dreams that seem so impossible to attain.
Am I too lazy to try, or am I afraid?
Success scares me as much as failure.
So, I stay frozen waiting patiently for my fire
To melt my apathy and hopefully,
Breathe some of its life into me.

Look at me, aren't I so cool?
I can laugh at you, make you feel like a fool.
While you're looking up, I'm looking down.
I see you there, small on the ground.
At any moment I can make your heart turn around.
It's that sliver of kindness within me that you found.
It keeps you from leaving, thirsting for more.
It keeps you from walking out of that door.
I can shut my emotions off at any time.
I can make you forget, I can make you blind.
I will lie to your face with absolutely no expression.
I don't care if I leave you with a false impression.
I do this all to protect myself.
How am I supposed to know what you're all about?
Guilty until proven innocent.
Can't trust anyone without knowing their true intent.

The way you kissed me,
The way we looked at each other.
I cannot put it out of my mind.
I try to be logical, I try to find
Any excuse not to feel; this can't be real.
There are too many wounds
Left to heal.
I thought I would do it on my own;
I thought I was alone.
You tell me I'm special,
That I'm someone you were lucky to find,
As you look right through me with your deep dark eyes.
I tell you you're one of the sweetest guys;
You laugh as if you're not surprised.
Trust me, these are not just pretty little lies.
I really like you, and it's hard to hide.

Cold, icy, mean.
The unforgiving queen.
Hurt by the past, she strikes back.
She ruins anyone in her path.