I am so out of luck.
Nightmares, burning up,
I'm drowning in this withdrawal.
I do not want to be someone else;
I do not want to need this help.
Pressure on my chest, bizarre thoughts.
It is a flood of pain,
When you have everything to lose
And nothing to gain.

My head goes numb,
My thoughts die young.
I can no longer remember where I came from.
This is the transformation...
It is so sudden.
I am no longer me; I am another personality.
My actions and words, performed differently.
Lost in a trance, in the zone I am free,
Having released all my responsibilities.

Passing by,
I can feel your eyes,
As I put on a blank face -
It is my disguise.
I do not want you to see
What you do to me,
Feeling my heart skip yet another beat.
Tall, handsome, and mysterious.
Yes, those are the perfect ingredients.
That is all it takes; I am drawn to you.
I am hooked on your mystery,
Stuck like glue.

She's half twisted, she's half pure.
She's one-hundred percent human and nothing more.
She's someone you could choose to love or abhor.
She is not concerned with your opinion anymore.
She has an innocent side at the best of times,
With a cloud of darkness trailing not far behind.
She can be cruel as much as she can be kind.
She can be stubborn but strives for an open mind.
She is far from perfect; she is far from pristine.
If you look close, you'll notice her hands are not clean.
Judge her not only by what she says but what she means.
She is much more than at first glance she may seem.

As I climb,
You push me down.
You're the reason why
I can't make a sound.
You have me gagged, you have me bound.
I lose my center as you spin me 'round.
Off balance, I fall and try to get back up.
You hold me there, asking if I've had enough.
When I say yes, you just say, "Yeah, so what?"
Then you keep on torturing me;
You don't give a ****.

I inch so close to opening up.
I want so badly to not close myself off.
Hinting at the truth but never fully revealing it.
Can't be too obvious, have to keep it mysterious.

I'm tired of this act; why do I do this to myself?
It would be so easy and freeing to reach out for help.
Why can't I just give in and trust someone else?
I'm too embarrassed to do it, to express my real self.

Sometimes I surprise myself
With my own smile
Somehow it convinces me
I'm fine for a while
Then suddenly,
Without a whisper of a warning,
I no longer have any strength to get up in the morning.

Please stop looking at the world with a black and white filter,
Painting it like a biased picture.
Your mind wants to think simple; it does not want to think deep.
I think you're afraid of taking that leap.
Don't tell me what to believe, at the very least.
Everyone has their own soul, so unique.
We can all think for ourselves, we don't need to keep
A guidebook around like a flock of sheep.

She'll come to you, you don't have to go to her.
She initiates the dates and puts up with the waits,
As you always seem to arrive "fashionably" late.
And say you want to get her in bed, that's a piece of cake.
She doesn't even put up a wall for you to break.
It's just so easy for you to take, take, take.
It's just too easy to not appreciate.

Sparks fly in all directions.
I want so bad to keep your attention.
Yet here I am steering you in the wrong direction,
With my complete and utter lack of affection.

Sometimes I can be so cold.
Sometimes I can be so clueless.
It's frustrating, even for me,
When I can't show weakness to anybody.

Oh no, what did I say, what did I do?
I'm not even aware of how I hurt you.
It's inevitable, just another learning process
I have to go through.

All of these changes,
Making my head spin and spin,
Again and again.
I never thought I would still be here.
I thought I would be with him.
We had planned so much together,
Made so many promises to one another.

Then a part of me, it spoke so clearly.
It said, "Trust my words for I love you dearly."
"You can't let your fears keep you in the past.
You know this was never the type of love that could last.
You're no longer a child; you have to grow up now - fast."
And as I listened, I decided I would sabotage it -
Yes, I would corrupt my whole relationship.
I would just cut it up into little bits.
When I found a way, that's exactly what I did.
As I watched the pieces fall, I saw a new part of myself rise.
I felt ten years of pain and suffering start to subside.

You're making me nervous, the way that you smile,
And how you're so kind to me,
It's sickening.
I don't want a special someone, I don't want anything.
Yet you're making it hard for me to say no.
You're piquing my interest, so now I think you should go
Before we lose it, and it all spirals out of control.

I feel some strange connection to you though.
Like every time you walk by me, I just know.
When you compliment me, I feel a warmth inside,
And though I don't want to appear weak, it's too much to hide.
Yet all of these silly rules by which I have to abide,
Are stressing me out, can't we just cut the lies?
I'm so tired of these butterflies;
The nervousness is eating me alive.

It's not like you just wake up and say,
"I feel like being miserable today."
It starts so subtle that you still think you're okay,
Then drags you down little by little every day.
You notice that who you were is fading away,
As it slowly molds you to its liking like clay.
By the time you realize the damage, it's too late.
It has already taken a hold of you, along with your fate.

Crack a smile for me, won't you?
It's really no big deal, just forget about how you feel.
You can make it through the day,
If you wave your emotions away.
Take your heart from the driver's seat
And replace it with your brain.
Let logic and reason save you from your pain.
Let cold apathy just seep into your veins.
Feel the stress and the tension starting to drain.
It's so much easier when you do it this way.
So, why do you refuse to do it every day?

Five days
My brain's in a haze
I wake up whenever
I go to sleep later than ever
Same routine, same boring routine,
Sometimes I think I'll wake up
From this painful dream.
Everything seems the same,
Even though it's all changed.
All my priorities have been re-arranged.
I am the only one who can take care of myself now.
The only problem is I don't know how.

Do you feel that silence
Burning into you
The fury of what you did to me
You took away absolutely everything
And expect me to smile like nothing's happening.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
I can't say it enough.
And if you miss hearing from me,
Well, tough.
I never got the chance to really grow up,
Always bound to you like glue.
There are just some things you shouldn't do
To a fourteen-year-old girl who's so confused.
I even told you all about what I had been through.
Still, you crossed all boundaries then tried to blame who?
You blamed me, you placed all the blame on me,
For being young and naive,
For not being able to see
When people were taking advantage of me.
You weren't even here to help or protect,
How dare you act like you've always treated me with respect.
You were downright abusive, don't you forget.
You've filled me with so much guilt and regret,
When you haven't even looked at yourself yet.

I like you.
Sometimes I don't know why.
You act so arrogant, but then you act shy.
I've come to see so many different sides
Of you.
You try to be confident despite insecurity
Brewing underneath the surface constantly.
I guess I admire that about you, surprisingly.
You are everything a human is, undoubtedly.
I wish I could tell you that I care,
That no matter what, I want to be there.
I never do, simply out of fear.
It's hard for me to open up to those that are near.

Split* into different pieces
Trying to put them together,
I fail and feel so *defeated.
A caring friend is all that I needed.
They weren't there, so here I am,
Feeling bitter and cheated.

There's the me that smiles even when it's not real
There's the me that can do anything but feel
There's the me that only wants to cause pain
There's the me that refuses to accept blame
Yet deep down, I have come to meet the true me.
She's lost and confused as can be.
She's blinded by her own suffering.
She forgot the meaning of truly living.

Oh, don’t you know
I know who I’m contending with
Sister, it seems
Like you live in a dream
Because you can’t see things
As they might be

What I mean
Is that I know what the difference is
Between an angel and a devil
Between good and pure evil
What I mean
Is that I’ll never surrender
My humanity
To anything but the almighty power
Watching right above me

Yeah, I know
He whispers in my ears sometimes
And misleads me when I am blind
That’s just the kind of thing he’d do
And sometimes I do fall behind
Sometimes I do get out of line
But when I do, I give him a piece of my mind

What I mean
Is that I’m not listening
To his dark intentions for me
And his negativity
What I mean
Is that he is not what he seems
Hiding behind a smokescreen

Some days I wish I could just disappear
I close my eyes and imagine running far away from here
I am so lost, and I need you near
But when I wake from my delusion, you're no longer there

Eventually a child will realize
That if they play the victim, they will be victimized.
It's sad to say they may take the abuser's side
When they have no confidant in which to confide.

Still, the child is blamed without a second thought.
There's no one there to listen or any help to be sought.
They are on their own now, cast aside, left to rot.
This happens right under our noses, whether we like it or not.

I am not your ragdoll.
I am a human being.
You obviously have no idea what that even means.
You abuse everyone around you,
Especially the weak.
You even hurt those that have no voice to speak.

You sicken me, and I wish I had never known you.
You were calm one moment then furious out of the blue.
I think back to all those terrible things you would do.
Twisting my arm, saying you could break it if you wanted to.

Love was just something you never knew.

Welcome to Heaven, in the form of a pill.
Now, I've heard that you need it, that you've fallen quite ill.
Don't worry, you'll take it, we know that you will.
If you don't, then we can simply keep you until
You realize you need this for your heart to be filled.
Your mentality now is to either **** or be killed.
We don't know who taught you this, but it gives me a chill.
Reconstructing your brain, well, that gives us a thrill.

Can't help but be bitter, can't help but be sad.
It's like everything falls apart, everything I've ever had.
How does this even happen, how can it get so bad?
I just want to heal; I don't want to stay this mad.

How can I forgive them when I cannot forget
The pain that they caused me, from the time we first met?
Putting it behind me now seems to be my best bet,
But if it were that easy, why haven't I done it yet?