Coming off the unbearably sweet high of our Nation's proud capital.
I salute you.
For bright mornings with fruit smoothies made so masterfully.
Afternoons of stasis.
Of quick showers and quick words on a condensed second floor.
Straight intelligence and legitimate knowledge.
Stories of brothers pranking in Palestine.
"Can I have some?" asked so coyly when candy is available for adults.
Thick hookah smoke burning my lungs and sapphire blues eyes.
Old nicknames. Flying off the tongue like song lyrics we all know.
Unfamiliar places, and familiar places.
Habibi. As-salamu alaykum. Words my cerebrum forgot but heart did not.
"Do you want coffee?" "Come here." "Kiss me."
Your smile. Your home. Your hands. Your eyes.
Nostalgia over taking our souls like baby pictures.
I wish it could've lasted forever.
But nothing does.
And that's good, right?
Too much of a good thing makes us greedy.

I disappeared last week
fell madly in love with Washington D.C.
Kissed my high school sweet thing and went to a Zoo with him
His eyes and fingertips penetrating my psyche
Fat and ugly red eyes as I left my temporary Paradiso
It's good that love like that only exists in small doses.
I hope one day I can return to the land of Gods & Devils
where all I want is drink and a deep kiss
a line and  an inhale
a now or a never

how do I wish you happiness and good luck?
I kissed a boy with his nose pierced and a native american tattoo on his arm.
why haven't I been worth fighting for and revisiting?
you just vanished and it hurt more than getting stabbed.

a very prominent philadelphia actor is still asleep next to me
i can't find my meteor
construction lurks outside
bang bang bang
he is stirring
i was everywhere last night
isn't it bizarre how memory works?
images rushing back like waves on a shore
who were we last year?
who were we last night?
I was so moved by terrible art
masturabatory
over romanticization of the highest pain
****
i amaze myself by how nice i can be sometimes
i hate being nice
life doesnt imitate art
whoever said that was a ******* idiot

paths are crossed while others are being blocked with road signs
neon lights on parkways blinding eyes
how easily people come and go these days
like sickness
patterns and get learned and forgotten
daily routines lost while olds ones are picked up like broken dishes
gestures and words are re-gifted to the next birthday boy
small fractions of memories stick like band-aids
originality was lost three years ago
love has become re-runs in syndication
eventually the VHS of romance will deteriorate to fuzz and static
running fast from the sopranos to baywatch
not knowing where taste escaped
lips on lips
chewing and spitting
double whiskeys all night and still feeling sober as the world around you falls into a drunken stupor
like silk falling off a soft shoulder
thoughts still present
paranoia growing
cigarettes are starting to be manifestations of thoughts
this one's for my broken heart
this one's because i'm drunk
this one's because it's hot out and i'm bored
when worse comes to worse
sleep is always there
until then
no harness
let's fall
who cares if there's anything to catch us

a saturated sunset start showing her sensual side
wine dripping down my thighs
the way you look at me
don't do it but don't stop
teeth shining
****
limbs twisting
choke
hot skin crashing together like cymbals
when did the sun come up?
we couldn't notice because we were coming up all night

+
1. biting pens the way I used to bite your lip
2. that shot of alcohol you don't need just to forget yourself
3. not sleeping because you always reside in my dreams
4. eating too much to not feel empty
5. not eating because i'm too full of regret

i wish i could tell you 'I love you' again
whiskey stinging only my lips as you watch me fall apart

You were a slotted spoon

You appeared to be picking me up

Cradling me to your lips

Enveloping my body into yours

I was too starry-eyed to see the giant holes in your arms

Doing everything I could to nourish you

Wanting your stomach full of warmth

Letting me skip so easily down to the ground

Disgusted, you turned away

I’m still in a puddle on the ground

that **** pond green flannel, those coal mine grey sweatpants
how quickly they lost your scent
of ever adventuring knees and out-stretched arms
usually in my direction
they lost your scent
as soon as I lost you

Watch the heartbreak melt away
Like an orange dreamsicle on hot sidewalks in front of your garage
Where bikes hang from ceilings, and cars stay clung to the earth
The smell of gasoline so faded by the warm rush of summer air
Parsley and tomatoes growing fruitfully from moist mulch

Watch the heartbreak melt away
Like the happiness leaving a familiar face
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings"
Those words running over and over and over in your head like a treadmill I never used.
Hands leaving space and entering shyly into fleece pockets

Watch the heartbreak melt away
Watch the heartbreak
Away

i sat up on a sinking down
over-grown messy hair scratching my face
and ***** plates piled in the sink
memories of a year ago flitter through my memory like old film
projecting sweeter and more saturated colors on a time I once loathed
why do things always seem better when they're from the past?
over-drawn lips
new curves
cracks and rolls
our to-do lists never seem to be complete
all we have is messy hair on our heads
and a sink full of ***** plates

i looked for you tonight
strange
barely knowing each other and feeling such a tight bond to you
how did we both grow up in the same neighborhood
3 and half hours from civilization

i looked for you tonight
gazing and hands, arms, and faces
none of them were yours and it baffled me due to your constant presence in this bar

i looked for you tonight
my shoulders slumped into my back
smiling fading, stars leaving eyes, hands lazier

i like the way your skin is filled with ink
precious affection and quiet sensuality
do you know the weight of your beauty?
staying silent because i don't want you to think i'm weird
you're disarming
it's been a long, long time since i haven't had anything to say
living in the garden of eden, you float every morning
Sunshine
the skyline looks so good outside your window
pin-up girls on your arms
when i'm on your skin
so am i

****.
1. I don't like sleeping because you're always in my dreams
2. Every time I walk down South Street, I hope I see you
3. I've been heart broken over you longer than the time we actually dated
4. I feel stupid for still loving you.

Jesus Christ
I'm in the same spot I was a year ago
Mentally
Not by means of location
In terms of proximity, last year I was closer to you
We've both moved farther apart
Ironic
God
I still remember the footpath I took when entering your house
the one with all the boys and the one with your beautiful family
Your mother is a goddess, and your father is the sweetest thing
Your brother is a little jokester, and your sister is an angel
I was not worthy
Speaking your name these days
It frightens me
Sometimes I don't even believe that we were ever 'us'
I've been in pain over the loss of you longer than we were together
I thought I laid you down and let you go
but you've stuck to me like a leech
the weight of your corpse is making my shoulders slump
stealing my joy like stolen scotch
just ******* out everything
You had no idea and it's not your fault
I should not have hurt someone as precious as you
glorious man
let the record play a little longer
I'm doing everything in my power not to write your name
that order of letters together makes me feel so powerless
It horrifies my soul and makes my heart ache like a purple bruise
Imagine what life would be like if we still talked
Would it be better? Would it worse? It would probably be the same
But at least I'd have your hand on my legs
Train wanderers
I never thought you would be the one to hop off first
I'm so ******* sorry.

"Seen 9:15 am"
no response

father
my light in the darkness
sweet courage and humble strength
prayer
generosity always makes your roots smile like the sun in March
carnations and archived success
padre, papa
you make other men look like ants
how did I get so lucky?

I tell myself that you're not my Jesus Christ as I binge drink
In reality
You were my Messiah and I crucified you
No wonder you can't forgive my sins the way you were supposed to
I get it

I am a grocery bag floating through the winter wind that's been caught in your branches

I hope nobody ever pulls away me from you

Floating is becoming boring

Let me pierced, tattered, crumpled

As long as it's with you

treble toned voice
inching closer as black-and-white men delve into mysterious plots
a paint-stained flannel rests easy on the cold floor
there's only time now for cheap beer and jutting eye contact
hair shampooed so freshly and genuine laughter
so familiar and so brand new

I feel like the only person alive during winter at 7 am
- Everything is a little more beautiful at night
- Oak cologne
- Skin is the sexiest part of the human body
- The moment his pheromones began to make me ill
- I'm floating too close to the sun
- Heels: A transformation
- A list of people I couldn't say no to
- We should've waited longer
- Modern romance and the death of sincerity

frigid air whips across my face as I strut down a familiar path
i've never been here without my protector
half-way to the back, i spot you
freshly assembled like a dapper gentleman from the 1930s
winking like the man in the moon

i melt into the bar table
sticky and smooth
pate
covering my crooked teeth in an attempt to stay grounded
I once heard it wasn't "cool" to smile but I can't resist
images of the past and present dance on your forearms as you speak
almond eyes

when did your hand end up on my knee?
illustrated hands wrapped around me like a coloring book that's been filled in so carefully with brand new prismacolor markers
who could I say no in those blurry moments of limbs tangling?
an angel on my right shoulder
the devil on my left
bliss

the unforgiving sun won't let me rest easy
silver and glass reflecting through a beautiful space
too shy to speak

this morning I was a lion when I should've been a lamb

maybe there's still some mystery left for you to keep hunting me

one black stripe and one white stripe sit so solemnly on a small sliver on my skin

somehow it stayed on through friction and dishes

mirror light all around my footless legs

and flannel sheets beneath the dregs  

knees shake and the earth quakes, the aroma of maple syrup wafts through my open mind, oxytocin erupting and cradling it back to Point A

the patterns in the wooden floor shift every season and there never will be a reason

like breathing or blinking or loving or feeling

it just is

oh
how we exist
so harmoniously in dream world

only to wake up
and disappoint reality

i need an outlet
congested breath is starting to give me insomnia
resting limbs on private parts
somehow the night turned to day so quickly
from black to muted mauve
to sunshine
blinding
three cigarette packs, two bars of chocolate, and a key
when did the air stop being cold?
fingers grazing curves
curves growing
turquoise ink stationary on soft skin
and your greying hair
sugar teeth
my solitude is much better with your company

I have no need for rainbows
I wish the world was forever night
warm and dark
like my disposition
so i could hide and not be seen when i wanted to be alone
and simply blame it on the lack of light

i often fantasize about the things i wish i could've done differently
looking back
it was only a handful of moments that really
just
well
anyway
i purposefully watch recorded memoirs of us making love
eyes locked like a heavily armed diamond safe
we couldn't break the code of our iris' and souls merging
i purposefully read notes and messages that were written in total bliss
somethings i scoffed off as nothings that ended up being the most something somethings that were ever somethings and they were special
never asking myself why
why did you walk away with fists when they should've been full of flowers
why did you terrorize the medicine man
why did you find solace in an eggless bird when you had the comfort of a lion leading a pride of loyal and loving knights and healers
the more i remind myself how much
much
i can't even put to words the agony i caused to your open heart
****
it makes me so much less bitter and hateful towards you
because your only crime against me was loving my touch and eyes
when I didn't deserve it.
but at least i can set you free
and hope you get the love that i should've blessed you with
the way you blessed me
only now it's starting to feel like a curse
because i'm starting to feel
like i can't feel
that feeling
that love feels like
what does it feel like?
it's been too long and my heart is beginning to turn to black ice

13th and pine
15th and pine
12th and federal
broad and morris
13th and spruce
juniper and lombard
juniper and locust
13th and walnut
18th and ellsworth
12th and kater
23rd and christian
15th and rodman
9th and filbert
17th and carpenter
10th and spruce
17th and cecil b. moore
23rd and annin
17th and ellsworth
somewhere desolate in Germantown
broad and catherine
12th and spruce
4th and catherine
10th and christian
16th and reed

I'd rather be alone
for the rest of eternity
than spend one more minute
waiting for you
to call me back.

how do i always manage to end up with my gloves up?

imagine this:
unbroken eye contact leads to an exchange of numbers that are now part of the modern identity
you think i can't tell how fearful and intrigued you are of my sharp tongue
intrigue leads to lust
rolling around flannel sheets at 2 am after hours of ****** bliss
then we sleep for hours and hours
swimming through each other's dreams like mermaids in the sea
repeat
repeat
your laugh begins to annoy me
repeat
my unwavering adoration is beginning to make you feel trapped
repeat
egos bruised and words that can't be taken back are thrown against the wall
repeat
i've been pushed over the edge
repeat
sleep alone
repeat
want you back
repeat





it's over.



start from the top again.

i feel like an egg that was born without a yolk
smooth white skin that is beginning to crack
there's nothing to spill out

i feel like an abandoned home in the middle of winter
condensation clouds floating through empty rooms that echo the sound of creaking wood and ghosts that used to be so comfortable

a bead of sweat slowly runs down my anatomy
from my red hair it begins slowly inching its way to my cheek
it feels like a tear
it is wet and now sits beneath my eyelash
yet it doesn't sting my blue iris

i've lost all control of my legs
the ones i use to twirl around Philly with
with you
they twitch and shake as the words dripping off your tongue roll into my open ears, as if i'd never heard such provocative language spat inside my cranium

have you made me more innocent?
discovering shapes, curves, rivets, and freckles in myself
transfiguring all my flaws into beauty

sitting in delicious silence
that's filled with sugar eyes and resting limbs on one another
candy falling from our jovial lips that are rarely not kissing

we could just sit here for hours
watching the smoke leave our lungs and enter each other
seeing each other without looking
hands clasped
sun sets
a smile
a kiss
black out

no amount of whiskey or **** can numb my undying desire for you
i still remember the texture of your skin against mine
where did you go?
i don't really want to know
to be honest
if i saw you again i'd probably freeze and die
like a sapling in winter
please
just
can we erase all the animosity?
i miss watching tv with you and ******* until we couldn't move
your mom's name has slipped my memory and it destroys me
the bark of your dog and the way she'd snuggle me haunts me
emily was your sister and we had nothing in common
yet we still were close because she knew how much you loved me
i'm so sorry for ruining everything
i would do anything
anything
to have you back in my life
your endless understanding of my battered soul
and the way you'd look at me before i would leave for the night
god
come back
you've become a ghost
and it's killing me.

keep down your walls and blocks
you make me whir and purr like a little kitty cat
the scratch of your mustache on my peach lips
brown eyes that penetrate my pear skin
my blueberry eyes feasting on your apricot knuckles
and tasting your apple knees

you recognize what an absolute abomination you are to the word 'love'
in your deceptively warm gaze, you explain to me your "paradigm"
a selfish jumble of words of which you don't know the definition
just so you can appear to be greater
than just a confused and self-obsessed little boy.
how could i not see through you the way you saw through me
winking at everyone behind me
holding my hand but casting spells to bring you more and more 'love'
you burn everything to create room for more
you are a bottomless urn in a bottomless pit of self-indulgence
lying makes your heart and lips shrink, and baby, they're almost gone.
you sanctioned yourself as a god, but you're just a person
a person who can't look in the mirror and say 'I lied to you."
and you know what?
you're a disgusting ******* liar.
you are no Messiah. you are no saint. you are no prince of the sun.
you're not Jesus Christ. And you never will be.

up in the east coast we have this saying
drink a beer, take a shot, gimme a kiss
or get the **** out

our lips curl
we are the girls your mama warned you about
not because we are bad
well, we are bad, but bad meaning naughty
your mama didn't want you to have desire in between your knees
hot, rough, soft, wet, cold, treat, candy, precious, cotton, gems, pure
the smaller the floor space, the closer we get
the ink in your skin spreads
wait

no
nevermind
:)
devour me

oh
ah
oh
ah
what time is it again?
we've been tangled up from sun up and to sun down and i fear i might be getting too wrapped around your body and soul

do you even know much an extra inch of height can do?
you make me feel like the goddess of trees
smoke billowing out of our parted lips and crooked teeth
eyes slowly fading in and out of mundane reality
floating through dilapidated streets filled with solemn expressions
the corners of my lips just won't turn down
eleven years stand between us, but it feels like we were born together
maybe in a past life i was your queen that you decorated delicately
with soft kisses on my stomach and shoulders
freckles quivering and sparkling like stars in the night sky
that tiny room is our kingdom of indulgent lust
you let me rule so justly
falling asleep to the whispering wind and the soft sensation of peace

you found me right before i got lost again
distrust and ******* make my shell more spacious and comfortable
the lion wasn't as docile as he seemed, so I ran inwards

right before my eyes lost sight of the light
two hands pulled me out
from the inside
and made me sparkle again

hello
i love you
i sink into the bath tub with a non-existent hymn coursing through my brain as I try to be focused and humble
whistles of a familiar song bring me solace
as does whiskey that tastes like peace and the spring

bring me all your green crystals
i want to make you feel better

oh, i say, we've found the truth
conjoined love binds us in love.
What could I even call 'me'?
I know I'm human but...
There is this calling
It guides my heart to an open pasture
acres of wheat and wild flowers murdered by an electric fascist.
I stand idly. Much of this "work" is just self-reflection.
Circumstances could always be worse.
Knowledge is power. Knowledge is strength. Knowledge is honor.

sitting cramped in like sardines on a double decker bus is beginning to feel normal and comfortable
vanilla and wild flowers lay on my tongue as I drift away
all my old lovers faces are beginning to blur together
all pieces of the puzzle that creates what I ultimately want in a human
one thing here
one spot there

my shirt is so sheer that you can see the pink of my skin
chapped lips and blood-shot eyes don't bring romance

the smell of pine wraps its gentle arms around me and cradles me to sleep
this is winter
good winter

he always longed for a pair of arms and legs to caress with his young face
his hands were delicate, though bruised and burned from creation
he stared into his gallery full of art
his lovers
he invests himself and gives everything to his current piece
when he's done, he's done
on to the next

he grew tiresome of psychedelic colors and infinite prisms.
he always grew tiresome though
fickle as freckles, indecisive as the ocean, easily bored as a child

he spotted the white gleam of the marble almost instantly
and he wanted it.
the giant, luminescent block wasn't as heavy as it looked
he carried it home on his hip and held it like a mother bird
he already saw the beauty inside

it took very little effort to mold what he saw
or wanted to see
the marble was softer than it looked
each piece that was chiseled off began to reveal a woman
she had curves like an old country road
big eyes that were filled with magic and adoration
he created her in a goddess' image
the time he spent on shaping her hips, *******, thighs, and waist were endless

the last piece of her he caressed with his chisel was her lips
details
the cupids bow, fullness, shape, and color

when he kissed her, she came alive
the color of an overcast sky filled her eyes
and she smiled
his hands pulled her close and he enveloped her
he brought her to life
they made love on the floor of the gallery
in front of all the other art
and he was so unapologetic about it
bringing her ecstasy over and over that she had never felt

inspiration struck him again
or maybe he was just bored of marveling over the same sculpture
he assured her that he needed time away from his art
all of it

he put in her the corner
and began sculpting something new
right before her eyes
but again, he assured her that he wasn't sculpting anything
even though she could see the work in front of her

the sculptor just wanted a full gallery.

the most important thing you ever taught me
to be in the moment and
to be thankful and
to be open and
and to be beautiful.

the moment i met you i fell into you

I can't sleep because I miss the way your room and body felt wrapped around me better than any blanket could.

lift your chin and smile please
you have no idea how gorgeous you are when you smile.

My father taught me a hundred yoga poses
He told me to stretch myself into the trees until my arms become branches

I'm not as skinny, and I love my curves.
2. I have less money in my bank account, but it's okay.
3. My tea is better than your's now.
4. I forget what your shoulder smells like.
5. I've had better ***.
6. Our naughty videos make me sad, not turned on.
7. I'm forgetting your family members' names.
8. My hair is darker and my lips are fuller.
9. I don't seek anyone's approval. I am who I am.
10. I've moved twice.
11. I've loved someone other than you.
12. I graduated from college.
13. I'm not afraid of going to your old neighborhood in North Philly.
14. I'm not ashamed of my music aesthetic
15. I love myself..

i didn't sleep last night
my eyes are beginning to cross and then re-focus
you are running my mind like a treadmill
a marathon
tongues sticking out
ears buzz
it's very early
we might be the only people alive right now