Dear Ignorance,

You're everywhere; suffocating the minds of people I see and encounter every day.

Especially today in my calculus class. But this kind of ignorance hit me ******* a more personal level.

Three girls talking before class. The normal, boring stuff. I wasn't particularly listening but the next thing they said I wish never came out of their mouths.

"I could never be anorexic, I just love food too much."

Her friends giggle and agree quietly but they don't know how hard those words hit me. I know they didn't mean it to be insulting but that's exactly how I took it and for the next 60 minutes of class I replayed that sentence in my head about 100 times.

To think that people could be that ignorant about eating disorders. As if it is the people who hate food that decide it is a good idea to starve themselves.

I decided to write this letter because I want to change the way people view eating disorders. Because, if I could go back and talk to those girls I would. Not to yell at them but to educate them. To have them understand why saying something that ignorant can be hurtful to the people around them. But, I can't go back and that's why I am writing to you, whoever you may be. I don't know you or your view on eating disorders but I'd like to educate you a little from my personal experience.

I love food. I always have. Growing up I never had to worry about my weight because I had sports. But, as sports began to slowly stop as I grew up, so did the food I ate.

Now I could blame it on society's view on what beautiful is or the death of someone close in my family or even the boy who broke my heart in high school that made me decide to stop eating. Of course those were factors in my eating disorder but in reality it was my own decision. I started to gain weight fast and with that, my self confidence lowered. And as my self confidence lowered, well, so did my calorie intake.

When someone is dealing with an eating disorder that person is having DAILY arguments with their mind because they LOVE food. They WANT food. They CRAVE it.

So what stops them?

Their mind

You: "One more granola bar won't make me too fat right?"
Mind: "Are you kidding? One more granola bar and you'll pop out of your size two jeans. You don't want to go up ANOTHER size, do you?

Little does the mind know your body only consumed about 80 calories that day to begin with and you're lightheaded; so lightheaded you're afraid you'll pass out.


It was a long struggle but now, five years later, I can honestly say that I am beautiful. I can say that food does not define me. My weight does not define my beauty. I can love food and still be healthy. I can love food and still love my body. I'll admit it's hard at some points. Sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I look in the mirror and am not entirely happy with what I see but I have friends and family who love me and remind me daily how strong I am and how loved I am.

So, to the three girls in my calc class. Don't think that being anorexic is simply "not enjoying food." It's much more than that; much different than that; much more complicated than that. Everyone experiences eating disorders differently. So next time before assuming things about topics you don't know a single thing about, stay quiet and educate yourselves.

Sincerely,
A girl who loves food more than anything.

To the people who think education majors have it easy,

Nothing, and I truly mean nothing, gets under my skin more than people who have the same mindset as you.
People like you think that my 3.8 GPA isn’t as worthy as someone else’s in a different major.
People like you think education majors can’t possibly be as stressful as other majors.
People like you think that my 40-page unit plan doesn’t even begin to compare to your 40-page report.
People like you think that teaching is easy.

it's *******.

I’m not going to sit here and go into detail about all of the difficult assignments I’ve had over the past four years as a middle school math major because frankly you’re just not worth my time. Also, because that would mean that I have something to prove to you, and I don’t. You can’t begin to judge a major until you have sat in on their classes, done their assignments, took their tests, etc. So, for you to judge my major based solely on the fact that I’m teaching children makes you arrogant and ignorant.

Imagine the excitement you feel when you get an A on an exam you spent days studying for. Now imagine that same excitement being stripped away from you in a second because someone tells you that your major is easy and that that’s the reason you got such a good grade.
Imagine working your **** off to earn Dean’s List every semester you’ve been at school, for someone to turn around and tell you that the only reason you’ve achieved that is because of your easy major.

It’s hurtful.

I chose to become a teacher because I want to take part in shaping children’s minds. I want to take part in making students grow up enjoying math. I want to take part in making learning fun.  
I don’t think that is something I’ll ever regret, no matter how many times you try to bring me down.
Please just focus on your own major. Focus on your own difficult assignments, your own difficult tests, and your own difficult projects, that way you can truly strive for success.

And I’ll still be here, an education major, cheering you on.

Sincerely,
A future teacher.

Some days I feel healed; convincing myself that everything that has happened was for a reason, a reason I'll one day understand.

Other days I feel broken; convincing myself that I'll never be healed, forever being alone.

But, most days I fall somewhere in the middle. How can someone feel broken and healed at the same time?

Maybe it's because my definition of "healed" isn't quite right. Or maybe it's because even though I'm on my way, I'm just not there yet, as much as I try to tell myself that I am.

I constantly joke to everyone about how I must be bad at relationships because I can never make them work.

But will they still find it funny if I told them that my anxiety eats me alive until I ruin the one good thing I have going for myself at the time?

My anxiety turns me into someone I don't want to be.
Someone who questions every aspect of the relationship.

Am I happy?
Could someone else make me happier?
Is this how I see my future?
Are we meant for each other?
Is he going to hurt me like my ex did?
Am I wasting my time?

These are all questions that completely consume me because of my anxiety.

They consume me until I can no longer take it and leave. I create problems that aren't there and convince myself that this is my only option.

It's exhausting constantly fighting with my anxiety, especially when it wins more often than not.

I am drained.

I am tired of pushing my feelings down so far my brain and my heart can no longer reach them.

I guess I'll just pray for more days where I feel healed, even if I know deep down it's not real.

Nothing bothers me more than the thought that someone's sense of independence completely diminishes when in a relationship.

The thought that someone doesn't know how to be single because they choose to be in a relationship.

The thought that being a hopeless romantic means you can't be alone.

It's just not true.

Being in a relationship means a lot of things.

It means being able to share your own ideas, hopes, fears, and feelings with the other person.
It means falling in love with their flaws.
It means encouraging them to become something great in life.
It means being there for one another when times get difficult.
It means being selfless.
It means caring for one another.
It means loving one another.

It doesn't mean losing each other's sense of independence.

You can be in a relationship and be independent.
You can be a hopeless romantic and enjoy spending time alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's easy to depend on someone and it's not always wrong to. But it's dangerous to fall into that path of dependence.

It's dangerous because life is unpredictable. Someone can always leave. They can leave you with nothing but broken pieces and when that happens you'll have to pick up those pieces they left behind, by yourself.

You must find the balance between independence and dependence.
You must learn when it is okay to depend on someone and when you must handle something alone.

Never be in a relationship with someone who questions your independence; who forces you to depend on the other person.

Never settle for less than what you deserve.

When I think of change in my own life
I think of doors surrounding me
suffocating me
almost

with each change that occurs in life
I open a different door
creating an entirely new set of doors to choose from

but with endless amounts of doors
how do I begin to choose which to open?

some doors are already cracked open
while others are locked shut

some doors are freshly painted
while others are cracked, peeling at the touch

so how do I decide?

how do I decide between
opening the already cracked door
or finding the key to the locked one

how do I decide between
opening the new door
or the door that's falling apart

because
regardless of how it looks on the outside
the inside is unknown

you can pick the easy door
but easy isn't always worthwhile

you can pick the appealing door
but appealing isn't always logical

the doors surround you daily
waiting for you to decide
growing impatient

do you rush and pick a door
and risk opening the wrong door

or do you wait
in an attempt to plan out every possible option
resulting in you feeling stuck
frozen in place
unable to move
unable to choose

feeling stuck may be miserable
but looking back and regretting your decision
wishing you could turn around and go back is just as bad
isn't it?

you were my drug
you were created specifically for me
or so I thought

My body consumed you
entirely
for over a year and a half

I was convinced that I couldn't
live without you
breathe without you
be without you

Because the withdrawal
was so excruciating
I thought that I wasn't strong enough

Relapsing
over
and over
again

Knowing that I shouldn't want it
Knowing that I shouldn't need it
Knowing that I deserve a life without it

Regretting the day I first tried my drug
Regretting the warning signs of my addiction
Regretting being too weak to stop

I'm officially 6 months clean
and I wish I can say I did it by myself
but I didn't
does that make me weak?
I almost don't care

I can now live without you
breathe without you
be without you

without withdrawal
without relapsing

"You don't have any respect for yourself, bouncing from guy to guy."

These words sting and stay with me every single day. To think that someone I once loved could say something like that to me. To think that someone I once loved actually thinks that of me. But more importantly, to think that the number of guys you've been with actually determines your self worth.

I could sit here and go on defending myself saying how m y number isn't even a high number but that's not the point. The point is that the number of guys you have dated or been with, however high that number may be, DOES NOT define your self worth.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about a year and a half without knowing it. Throughout the relationship he had said and done some pretty awful things to me; things that if my dad knew about, he would probably go to his house the next day to beat the **** out of him. But this one stuck to me like glue. Why? because he had made me believe it. He tricked my mind into thinking I was some kind of worthless person who doesn't respect myself.

I ask myself why I believed it. Why would someone believe that they are a **** with no self respect? Why would anyone think that ever about themselves? I think I believed it simply because the person who said this was the boy I loved, the boy I confided in, the boy I at one point saw my future with, telling me I have no self worth. It hit me hard, so hard. Harder than any other terrible thing he has said to me.

No guy should ever make you feel worthless.
No guy should ever convince you that you are anything less than whole.
No guy should ever degrade you throughout your relationship.
No guy should ever make you feel scared to be around him when he is angry.
No guy should ever put his hands on you.
No guy should ever throw your mental disorder in your face.
No guy should ever feel as though it is okay to purposely hurt you because he feels hurt.
No guy should ever make you feel like you're on top of the world one day and under it the next.

He did all of this.

I can see this now. I can see this now and I have two people that I call my best friends to thank for helping me through this past year. They always supported my decision; knowing that I was a smart girl and simply wanted me to be careful with him. They helped make me realize that what I was involved in was NOT okay. They knew it way before I did but until I had my "click", realizing that this is not healthy or worthwhile, I was going to stay in that relationship.

Thank god for my click.

when I said I didn't want to live anymore
and you looked the other way
claiming that your intention was pure
telling me that you thought that what I needed at the time was not you

when in reality that was simply
your way out

out of the toxicity we knew as love

I read something once that expressed how it isn't someone's responsibility to stay and fix a significant other

and so I can't blame you for leaving me at my worst

but
I'd like to know if the same rules apply when you're the sole reason your significant other needs to be "fixed"
are you still allowed to leave?
I guess it doesn't matter
because you did..

as much as I knew you loved me
you did not love me enough to see me live

as much as I wanted to die
I'm just thankful that I didn't

because the guilt you would feel
would be almost unbearable
forever

but instead
you got to move on

well
move on enough to be with someone else
even if its temporary

while I'm still here dealing with the aftermath

I know that I've come a long way
but I also still know that I have a way to go

I also know that regardless of your relationship status currently
you still do love me
you love me but
again
not enough to act on it
only enough to reach out from time to time
only enough to check up on my social media
in the hopes that you see something that shows you that I'm thinking of you

is that even love?
maybe
but I think it's the manipulative kind

and I deserve something more than that
much more

and before I used to dream about you giving me more

but I think we're still both smart enough to see that as much as we may think we have changed we haven't

you're still the guy who strings me along with no regards of my feelings
enough to give me a taste
but leaving me hoping that I will crave more
with no intentions on giving me exactly that

and I'm still the girl
who's feels things much deeper than she wants
who still needs some fixing
who gets herself into trouble with love

but I'm on my way
and I'm not sure that I can say the same thing about you

I pray that I can one day

Do you think the moon ever gets frustrated repeating the same phases over and over again?

Do you think the moon wishes to stay full?

Do you think on the days the moon is not full, it feels incomplete?

Do you think the moon ever feels lonely, missing the sun?

Do you think the moon stares at its reflection, criticizing every crater?

I wonder if the moon knows how beautiful it is.

Why did no one warn us what being in your 20s is actually like?

There are 25 year olds married.
There are 25 year olds just starting their career.
There are 25 year olds living with their parents.
There are 25 year olds with babies.
There are 25 year olds living with friends.
There are 25 year olds in school.
There are 25 year olds buying a house.

There is no rule book.
There is no timeline after high school.

It's daunting.
Some days you may feel behind.
Other days you may feel ahead of the game.

When in reality there is no finish line.
There is no winner or loser.

Just a bunch of kids living life, figuring it out along the way.

I left a permanent mark on my skin. Again.

I tell myself I'll never regret that. Because in that moment it's what I needed and wanted.

It's my constant reminder that when I look down at my body, I see what I've been through, and where I'm heading.

I treat my skin as my own road map.

If someone were to undress me and lay me down
I would have them trace my skin
slowly working their way around my body
only to stop at every heartbreak and life lesson

The faded ink would give away its time frame
creating a story that I get to claim as my own

At that point
not only would I be naked to the eye
but I would be completely vulnerable
as if I'm peeling back layers of my own skin
opening up to my insides
exposing my thoughts throughout the years.

I dreamt of you last night
I still remember everything so vividly

when I saw you I knew that I was dreaming
because of the way you looked at me
we didn't have to exchange words
we both knew it wasn't real
we had to enjoy whatever time we had left together
because I would soon wake up
and we'd be back to never speaking again
we'd be back to you hating me
we'd be back to me hating me

I'd call it a dream but then I'd have to admit to myself that I wanted to dream of you

All aspects of my future make me anxious

Every time I think about it
I imagine this pit growing in my stomach

It starts off small
about the size of a seed
but the more that I think about it
the more I water it
and the bigger it grows

Where will I teach if I can't find a job?
bigger
Where will I live?
bigger
Who will I end up with?
bigger
Will I even find someone that wants to marry me?
BIGGER
Will I be able to have kids?
BIGGER
Will my family be around to watch me grow old?
BIG-

And then suddenly the pit has grown so large
it no longer has any room left to grow
It has taken over my stomach completely
causing me to stop in the middle of my tracks
frozen in fear
waiting desperately for it to get smaller

But it never does
Because you see
the more you water it
the bigger it grows
and there's no going backwards


Backwards
If I could go backwards
I would **** every last droplet of water out of the seed


I would give anything to make it shrink
There's not much I hate more than the unknown

Just because I'm happy for you doesn't mean it doesn't feel weird. And maybe "weird" isn't the right word but as I sit here trying to figure out a better word to describe my feeling I come up blank.

I'm not hurt.
I'm not sad.
I'm....weird.

Because in reality I am truly happy for you.
I'm happy you're happy.
Finally.

I know you're a great guy and will make her happy. I hope she doesn't hurt you like I did. I hope she will never doubt that you're the right guy for her, like I so often did. I hope she will show you affection, affection I could never show as much as I tried to. I hope she will love you more than I ever did (which was a lot).

Because you deserve just that.

but ****.. does it feel weird.

I don't trust myself when it comes to love
I have made too many mistakes
regretted too many decisions

but where does that leave me now?
I can't make decisions based off of how I feel
because how I feel is tainted with anxiety

I feel stuck in time
while the days pass by me
unable to make decisions
fearing that I will one day regret them

so instead
as time moves on
I do not

I want to be happy.

I want to be content with the simplicity of life.

I want to stop living in extremes.

I want to feel what it is like to be in love
              without having to relive old memories.

I want to stop experiencing highs off of sadness.

I want to be able to take a deep breath
                in order to feel relief
                           rather than a gasp for air
                                     instinctual to my survival.

I want to welcome passion in again
               with wide open arms
                          feeling its embrace
                                   remembering its smell

I go through days where I feel as though I don’t deserve this love, this life.

I try my best to remember that the abuse I endured was real and damaging.

That what I went through would’ve affected anyone who stood in my shoes the same way.

I can accept the abuse
I have accepted it a long time ago.

I just can’t seem to accept how long my healing journey took me and the people I hurt along the way.

I had been unknowingly lying to myself and others thinking I was fine when I in fact was far from it.

The truth is, I was so used to feeling that way that I thought it was normal. Now 7 years later I can only describe it as feeling like a foggy version of myself.

I thought because I wasn’t in my room crying, I was fine. I figured because I still had a social life, I couldn’t be traumatized.

I ended up subconsciously accepting the love I thought I deserved and then got upset and blamed my partner when it turned out to not be the love I wanted in the end.

I turned away the love I knew that I wanted but was too scared to feel, only I turned away too late, after the damage was already inflicted.

I can forgive myself for enduring the abuse for far longer than I should’ve.

I can not forgive myself for hurting others through my journey of healing.

If you look through my poems it tells the same story
over and over again.

pain
numb
healing
confusion

repeat.

you'd think I'd be tired of it by now
or at least enough to put an end to it.

It's because I have fallen into the habit of not letting my brain process things.
When I get hurt
I have a day or two of wallowing
and then I refuse to let myself get like that again.

I used to think that was healthier.
Blocking everything out.

but to this day...

if you bring up my high school boyfriend
I block out the fact that I envisioned my entire future with him and it still hurts thinking that it won't happen.

if you bring up my college boyfriend
I block out the fact that I was so irrevocably in love with him to ever even want to put an end to the toxicity.

I block out the fact that my inability to love again is because I have already given all of my love out and I feel as though I have nothing left to give. Or maybe it's because as much as I want to experience love again I turn down any opportunity of it because of my pure fear of it not working.

Writing helps
for however long it takes me to write that day
I allow myself to not block everything out
to take down the barrier temporarily
and to feel

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit

it has been 3 years.

I know how much you love my blonde hair
that's why I cut it

6 inches gone
along with the memories of us
the toxicity of me

not only did I cut my hair short but I dyed it dark
so that there is no possible trace of blonde
no trace of you

maybe it'll help you accept what happened between us
maybe it'll help you move on from me faster
maybe
maybe
maybe

it's just hair.

It's something I crave daily to try and lessen the anxiety I experience in life

I need control in every aspect of my life
something as simple as cleaning
all the way down to my own feelings

When I lack control in one aspect of my life
it intensifies in another

I try my best to avoid feeling different emotions because I begin to feel out of control when I feel them

I listen to sad songs because it allows me to control a specific feeling in that moment

I am not sure where this habit was learned
I am not sure when this habit was formed

but it has created such a strain on my life
I need to learn to be okay without control
or just less of it

It's something we all have, some without even realizing it.
It's something a person needs in order to survive.

I'm one to preach the words, "Everything happens for a reason" and "You end up where you're supposed to be" and I try my hardest to have faith in those words, but I too often find myself failing at that.

I think it's just something someone says to make themselves feel better. I can't let myself hide behind that, but that doesn't mean I won't try to.

I tell myself those two phrases daily; wishing, praying, for them to actually come into existence. But they never do.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why my cousin passed away form a drug overdose. Tell me why he had to get addicted in the first place.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why my grandmother passed away suddenly from a freak accident when her health was fine.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why father's only two friends died from cancer.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why people experience heart break, of all kinds.

If everything happens for a reason, tell me why there has been 18 school shootings so far this year.

If everything happens for a reason please just give me those reasons. And don't give me some ******* that people make up to only make themselves feel better. I won't fall for that. I refuse to.

I want so badly for someone to tell me otherwise, so I can make sense of it all.

And then maybe, I'll have a little bit of faith.

My boyfriend asks me why I always listen to sad songs and write sad poems.

How do I tell him that I listen to these songs to remind me of what once was?

Or that I write these sad poems because I can only write about what makes me feel the most.

Why do I even want to be reminded of my bad times?

Is it because the songs and poems make me feel things so deeply; something I crave more than most?

I am not a sad person.

But I was; for a very long time. So sad I didn't want to be alive.

But time has changed.
I've changed.
Grew.
I am happy.

But my old, sad self is still in me somewhere, waiting for any opportunity to pop out and ruin my happiness like it has so many times before.

I hope one day we run into each other at a coffee shop.
Not to have one of those cliché moments where we realize we never should have broken up.
Or even one of those cliché moments where we begin to fall in love with each other all over again.

Instead

To laugh about just how ridiculously in love we were with each other back then.
To talk about just how wrong we were for each other.
To talk about just how toxic you were for me, but at the same time realizing that you grew from it, into the man I knew you had the potential to be.

We would talk about just how better off we are now, not together.

Maybe even talk about how happy we are with other people in our lives.
without feeling jealousy.
without feeling sadness.

To be happy that the other person is happy.

To finally realize why the heart break had to happen, as many times as it did.


*I just know I'm not ready for that yet.

Isn’t it weird how abusive people can somehow make you feel like you’re the crazy one?

Like you were the one who cared too much
The one who reacted poorly
The one who loved too hard
The one who was always in the wrong

When in reality you were the one who
protected them
defended them
forgave them

Over
And
Over
When they didn’t deserve it in the first place

It really makes you wonder
Just how messed up their brain is
Just how warped of a view on the past they must have

But now
You’re the one living with the aftermath
You’re the one with the messed up brain
You’re the one with a warped view on love
You’re the one trying desperately to get it right
years later

All the while your abuser is living a life full of blissful ignorance

You cling to the past
but with each day that passes you feel it slipping from your grip
more and more

until all you have left seems to touch you in the form of
flashbacks
deja vu
dreams

anything to remind you of what once was

sometimes you wish you could tighten your grip before it's too late

but it is too late

the memories you have
of that person
of that relationship
can't be brought back
too much has changed
too much has happened since then
that person
that relationship
no longer exists

so why torture yourself over something you no longer have any control over?

because if you could go back you would've done things differently

I wouldn't have gone back to *** until I was healed that way our second chance might've lasted a lifetime
I would've left *** after the first red flag so I could look back and appreciate all of the good without all of the bad
I would've given xxxxxx a real chance regardless of my fear of being hurt

but I can't go back and neither can you

so this is an ode to my past

thank you for teaching me endless amounts of love lessons
thank you for forming me into the person that I am today

thank you for letting me have control in where I leave you

and where I leave you is right here
no further will you go along this journey with me

I hope you understand

I think sometimes what stops us from following our gut is the fear of rejection

You know what you want
but you're afraid you won't get it
or that the other person won't feel the same way anymore
or that it won't work out

it's a risk
and some of us aren't risk takers
but I think we should be