I was not prepared
Seeing you for the first time in years felt like the air was punched right out of me
I’m not sure if I pretended well enough
I’m not sure I care

If this was years ago, I would’ve talked to you
I would’ve texted you after
Not caring where you were at in life
Where I’m at…

I’ve always been selfish with my feelings
I’m trying not to be
I kept my space
Until I heard my name being called to come join everyone

I couldn’t stop looking up at the stars
Or lack there of

I couldn’t stop telling myself that this is what I deserve
This feeling of regret

And instead of making it known
Trying to fix it
Or get what I could back

I just keep reminding myself that I need to leave us there
in the past
and continue moving forward

I will not disrupt lives for my own selfish feelings

I only wonder how long you’ll be visiting me in my dreams
Like my own form of torture.

Life has made me bitter

Every proposal
Every instagram post
Every brag by a friend

I ignore the bitter taste in my mouth
swallow it instead
jealousy hides in my stomach
it tries to escape but I somehow force a smile

from the outside I look happy, hopeful
but my smile is masked by gritting teeth
my eyes start to glaze over
I pray no one notices that I'm no longer present in the conversation
because as they speak my jealousy begins to build
it builds so high I have two choices
change the subject or walk away
anything can be better than someone else's perfect relationship
especially when you're convinced you'll never find yours

life has made me bitter
it's my least favorite attribute

When I'm anxious I feel frozen in place
like my feet are glued to the floor
like the air I gasp for is thick and humid

When I'm anxious I feel tired
like my mind is running a marathon
like my heart is begging to take a break

When I'm anxious I feel broken
like I am constantly scrambling to seem put together
like my reflection can see through my facade
ashamed of what it is looking at

When I'm anxious I feel hopeless
like no one can possibly help me
like I will forever feel this way

all I've ever wanted was an apology.
and not one of those half *** apologies but a sincere one

but
just because I want one doesn't mean I need one
because I don't

I want one
so that I can make sense of it all

I want one
so that I can find comfort in the past

I want one
so that I know I didn't love a ****** guy

I want one
so that I know you've come to terms with your actions

I want one
so that I know you were the guy I fell for not the guy you became

I want one
because I deserve one

but *******
I don't need one.

I can't seem to get it right.
With every guy I meet.

Is there something wrong with them?
Or is there something wrong with me?

Is it because they're not you?
Or because I'm scared that they will become you?

Is it because I still haven't met the right guy?
Or because my expectations are too hard to obtain?

Is it because there's always a problem?
Or because I create that problem myself?


I'd like to believe it's because I just haven't met the right one yet.
The guy that it will come effortlessly with.
The guy that makes me fall into him with both feet, knowing exactly what I might get myself into, without a worry in the world.
The guy that doesn't make me second guess every move we make.
The guy who consumes my mind so deeply, there isn't any room for the demons in my head.

I know that guy is out there for me. Whether it is someone from my past or someone in my future.
I will find him.

Everything happens for a reason.

Say it again.

Repeat it until you're blue in the face.

Or until you believe it yourself.

Which ever comes first.

usually when I become numb
I start to write and it all pours out

tonight I am numb
but can't get my fingers to start typing

maybe I just have to much to say
too much to feel
too much to write


not able to form a poem out of the jumbled mess in my mind

It's true
as time goes on
our memories start to become more fuzzy
but not all of them

I can't stop thinking about my cousin

how earth shattering it was to get that call that he had died

that the disease he was fighting with for years finally caught him

to this day something that will haunt me is the thought of just how mad my cousin must've been when he woke up in heaven realizing what he had done

how much ******* regret he must feel
how much he must miss us

my family is forever altered by what had happened
we never truly healed
we never will

and I don't think this is something anyone can relate to
unless you have experienced the same heart break first hand

I remember getting the call from my dad the morning after a night out with friends to tell me what had happened.

I remember rushing home to my uncle's house to find my entire family, in tears, unable to comprehend.

I remember spending days where all my family did was become numb in order to get things done and then cry when they were finally finished for the day.

I remember walking into the funeral home thinking it was just a really bad movie.

I remember my one cousin saw the casket and started screaming
she fell to the floor not being able to hold herself up
and kept repeating that she was unable to do this

I remember my father humming songs in his head for hours trying to block out the reality of what was happening to our family.

I remember my family going up to the open casket and kissing my cousin's dead, cold body on the head, repeatedly.

I remember the guilt I felt for not having a stronger relationship with him.

I remember everything
so ******* vividly
even 2 years later

and I don't think it'll ever get fuzzy.

People don't talk enough about the aftermath of abuse
Reflecting on the last 6 years has taught me a lot about trauma
How it can follow you for years
How it can still show up in your dreams every now and then
How it can change you into someone you don't even recognize

Even after therapy
even after processing and healing
and even after time
it is so hard to have a healthy relationship with someone new

The triggers follow you
even when you're convinced they don't exist anymore

For example,
I remember throwing myself out of a moving vehicle 4 years after because my boyfriend and I were arguing after a night out drinking
In that moment I was back with abusive ex
the memory of him forcing me in his car drunk and not letting me leave even after hitting a parked car was so present in my brain
it was like it was happening again
except it wasn't
not even close

Fast forward and 6 years later I am still learning how to effectively communicate with my current boyfriend

There's not a day that goes by where I am not utterly shocked at how an argument can just stay exactly that...an argument
It doesn't have to grow into something bigger
something that causes people to say or do hurtful things
something that takes days or even weeks to get over
something that ends in heart break

I find myself bracing for impact with every disagreement
something as simple as "I shouldn't have done/said that, I'm sorry" causes me to spiral
something simple still causes me to experience a wave of anxiety
anxiety I can't ignore or wish away
but instead have to work through
over and over again

To this day I am learning how to love again
I experienced abuse at the age of 19
It's like my brain was hardwired wrong
and now I need to spend years fixing it

To this day I am learning how to not crave toxicity
my brain has confused love with abuse and comfort with boredom
I find myself craving constant reassurance
I find myself panicking when I should feel comfort
I find myself mad at how I still feel these things

But the truth is
I am too ******* myself
What I experienced
and what many other men and women experience
IS HARD
It's not something you can forget
or pretend never happened
I tried that and it just prolonged the inevitable

The truth is
I have come such a long way
I was changed in so many ways
but I have also grown in just the same

I will continue to grow and heal
I will continue to learn how to love again

I know I am on the right track
I feel myself getting so close

I want a healthy relationship so badly
One I can be proud of and seek comfort in
One I can spend the rest of my life enjoying

I do not miss him
I only miss the potential future I would have had with him

I knew this for months
but I was a selfish coward
unable to admit to myself that I was settling
I almost settled for something I knew I didn't want
simply because I wanted so badly to get it right

I didn't want to disappoint anyone especially him
I knew how much he wanted this
how much he wanted me
so I tried to force it
but it was fake

the more I dragged it out the more I hurt him
and so I left
unexpectedly to him
but to me it was a relief
no longer was I settling
I was finally choosing what was best for me

for so long I felt trapped
knowing someone better for me was out there waiting

to think that I almost gave that up
to think that if I had settled
I never would have met you

our future is unknown
maybe even non-existent
but that wouldn't change how I feel

and I am finally comfortable with that

6 months of therapy
and I'm not anywhere close to being done

but I have seen great progress
and for that I am grateful

When someone doesn't see the potential of what could be

try not to be angry
         try not to be sad
                   try not to blame yourself
                            try not to wonder why you weren't good enough

try

try to accept that it simply wasn't meant to be experienced
        try to accept that he simply didn't see just how great you are
              try to accept that he simply didn't see just how much you
                      had to offer him

you shouldn't have to wait around for someone

to realize just how great you could be together
        to realize just how worth it you are
                  to realize that you could've pulled each other
                        out of the darkest corners of your souls
                                that you both know too well.

but instead he will sit in the dark

alone

and when he sees you bright and gleaming

he will wonder why he ever even preferred the comfort of darkness

How do you know you're ready to experience love again when your mind is the last thing you trust?

you have every reason to be skeptical
3 failed relationships proves that doesn't it?

you blame yourself
not seeing the warning signs
ignoring the bad parts of a relationship
thinking it'll change
or maybe that it simply doesn't matter enough

but love is a drug
and love is blinding

every.single.time

love has blinded me

love has given me such a high
that when the withdrawal hits
it is so excruciating
I blame myself for getting high in the first place

so why do I keep doing it?
maybe because each time I am convinced that it is going to last
or maybe because I am just so desperate to get it right

My drug has failed me so many times that the sight of it now makes me sick to my stomach

I have turned away from it entirely

So why does a part of me worry that I will never get high again?
Sober is safe
Sober is secure

but

Sober is boring

Nothing will beat the feeling of being high in love.

you'd think after so much time
I wouldn't be triggered
but here I am typing
feeling as though the words are spilling out of me
just like old times

I have come to terms with a lot
I have accepted a lot
but I still think you are still trying to manipulate me

I hope that I am wrong
I hope that after 5 years you have grown from that
I hope that it is just my trauma response

but why post a gym selfie in my old camp shirt?
why do you still have anything of mine?
aren't things like that triggering for you too?
don't things like that remind you of how abusive you were?

I accepted you on social media to prove to myself and to you that I was okay
That I could see you on social media without spiraling into an anxiety attack
That I could see you try to be happy with someone else without hating myself

And although all of these things are true 5 years later
I don't think the PTSD will ever leave me

So please, get rid of the shirt.

Some days I think God has put me here for a reason

Some days I think God has put me through hard times to make me stronger

Some days I think God is preparing me for something bigger

Some days I think God takes loved ones away from me because they are needed in heaven

Some days I think God has kept me from you for a reason

Some days I think God has never made our timing right on purpose

Some days I think God has made me struggle with love to prepare me for an even greater one

Some days I think God is trying to teach me patience and self love

Some days I think God is trying to teach me to find passion in security

Some days I think God is trying to teach me to take risks with no regards of the aftermath

Some days I think God is constantly testing me

Some days I remember
most days I don't believe in God

People say love comes your way when you least expect it

and maybe that's when I'll know that I'm ready to let love in again

when I stop looking for it
when I stop letting it consume my thoughts
when I stop letting it control my decisions

I will be ready for love

When I accept that there is no set plan
When I accept that time is not meant to cause anxious thoughts
When I accept that it is okay to be alone

I think I had this weird misconception for the longest time without even realizing it.

For awhile I was in control of every relationship I had with a guy. I chose when it started, when it ended, how it ended, whether it would start again, when it would start again, etc.

I think I thought that every guy I was with would always be waiting for me to change my mind and turn back around. Well because, that's how it was for a long time.

But that thought is what made me be in control.

And I know that's ****** up, as I type it. But it's true.

For the girl with little self confidence, thinking that every guy she's been with would wait around for her. How arrogant is that.

How wrong is that

I realized it when my anxiety took over, having to take a step away from the guy I was with, thinking that he would understand and simply wait for me.

But he didn't

He was so quick to move on. And he had every right to.

Honestly, I'm happy it happened. It had to happen for me to realize how toxic I was being to myself and to other guys.

All of my poems consist of one topic, one guy, breaking me down.

I can't let what he did to me effect how I treat future guys.

I can't be the person they write poems about years later talking about how toxic I was for them.

I refuse to be that person.

I am not that person.

I will never be that person.

I've been struggling with words lately
which is weird for me

maybe it's because
I'm not sure how to make sense of it all

I'm still waiting
for everything to make sense
trying to force it almost

trying to trick
my own heart
my own mind

into believing that this is how it was supposed to happen
when I know it wasn't

Years ago you walked into my life
I can still picture what you were wearing

It popped up as a memory on Snapchat
Like a punch in the gut

The feeling I had was indescribable
To think that it has been that long

I think the feeling I was hit with was regret
Or maybe nostalgia? I’m not sure

I know it’s something I’ll live with forever
I will be married with kids and still get hit with that same feeling if your name is brought up

Don’t get me wrong I don’t miss the past
I don’t miss what we went through
What I put you through

But I think I will always miss… you
Your humor
Your kindness
Your selflessness
Our endless conversations
Our craving each others attention

I still check up on you every now and then
More often than I’d like to admit
And no it’s not how you think

I check to see if you’re okay
Which I guess is a hard thing to tell over social media but
I check to see if you’re having fun with friends
I check to see what funny tweets you retweet (we really did have the same sense of humor)
I check because I need to know that you’re happy
So that the guilt doesn’t eat away at me as much
So maybe I am still being selfish in that way

My only saving grace is knowing how great of a person you are
Knowing you will (or already have) found happiness again in someone else

I know now we have too much history to ever get back what we had
Or could’ve had

I don’t believe in soulmates
But I do believe we were put together for a reason
“right person wrong time”
to teach us a lesson

And **** did I learn that lesson.

The worst thing I have ever done was try to love someone while I was still broken

I expected him to pick up the pieces without getting cut

I was blind to the blood dripping off his hands while he held me afloat

I was apathetic to the bruises formed on his arms from my inability to let go

His every wince in pain was covered up with a smile of support undeserving

I was too far buried in my own mind to grasp reality

I was too far gone to see that the problem was not he or we but me

I left him in the afterglow hoping one day I’d meet him there knowing now I deserve of no such destination

I go back to the beginning of my writing to be reminded of what once was

more so to see how far I've come

other times to see how little has changed

depends on my mood...

I have lived most of my adult life living in a constant state of anxiety.

After finally feeling as though I have conquered my relationship anxiety, I feel anxious about things I’ve never thought of before.

I used to compulsively think and worry about whether or not my partner is the one, if I will end up divorced or childless, if I should break up with my partner, if I should fix things with an old partner, etc.

Now, I am simply anxious about death.

I feel so content in my relationship for the first time but my brain still somehow finds a way to ruin me.

It’s laughing at me saying “Now you’ll get to worry about not making it to see your happiest days.”

It has made my OCD skyrocket. I am compulsively acting in ridiculous behaviors because my brain is telling me that if I don’t, my partner or I will die.

It feels as though I am being punished for making all of those mistakes between the years of my abuse and now.

It’s fine, I deserve it and more.
It’s fine, I can handle it and more.

I finally figured out why it was so hard for me to love again after him

I always said I wanted to find passion without abuse
but what I didn't realize is that I actually confused them for each other

I wanted so badly to feel again without the bad parts
but what I didn't realize is that without the bad parts
the good parts wouldn't have felt as great as they actually were

I wanted to feel the same way he made me feel without the abuse
but what I didn't realize is that you can't have one without the other

what I felt for him was so intense
it was so deeply rooted in me
I wanted that
and I couldn't understand why I kept failing to find it again

when I did find someone who reminded of that feeling
instead of embracing it
arms opened wide
I ran
confused by my own decisions

I asked myself "You waited this long to find someone you could love and the second you find it you ruin it, why?"

I didn't realize that what I spent years looking for was the feeling I could only feel while being in an abusive relationship

I didn't realize that a normal, healthy relationship doesn't make you feel that way

and that's okay

You should be able to love someone without having to feel everything so intensely at all times

You should be able to feel comfort and content without thinking there is something wrong with the relationship

You should be able to have passionate days and normal days and bad days all mixed together without thinking your relationship is doomed

Because a normal relationship is not like the movies

and it is not like what I experienced 4 years ago.

I feel happy
euphoric
hopeful
in love
satisfied with the present
content with the future
at peace with the past


I feel broken
tarnished
stained
infected
polluted with anxiety
poisoned with trauma
warped with self-loathing
rooted with problems

You say let’s meet up to see if there’s still something there

I can’t respond
I won’t respond

I will not let myself repeat the past
As much as I want to be selfish
As much as I’m dying to be reckless
With you

You say let’s meet up to see if we’re still us

The difference is

I don’t need to see you again
To know that we are.

I can finally say that I’m happy with the life that I’ve built for myself

I can finally see a future that doesn’t scare the **** out of me

One that I would be happy with

But that doesn’t stop myself from thinking
And dreaming
And wondering

And knowing
That things could be different

It was easier thinking you hated me
Thinking that the ivy you planted in me was rotten from the ground up
Turning each leaf brown as time passed

But I forgot that ivy is resilient
It doesn’t take much for it’s leaves to grow back

With each leaf that grows inside of me I have to remind myself of why I must not tend to it

Why I must ignore the ivy

Because I did not care for my plant years ago
Because I am bound to **** it again, eventually
Because maybe if I pretend it’s not there, it’ll grow in an environment more deserving


Because I can not stop staring at the dead leaves on the ground serving as my daily reminder that I am the cause of that

I’ve always considered myself a bit of a risk taker when it comes to love.

The hopeless romantic in me has gotten me into trouble in the past.

But why when it comes to you, was I so **** cautious?
Unable to take that leap. Even years later.

I fight between a number of reasons.
Knowing there’s truth behind each one of them.
Some more than others.

1- You deserve better.
2- I will always be the person that hurt you and to live with that daily reminder would eat me alive.
3- You are better than me in almost every single way and I don’t think my insecurities could handle being less than.
4- I was scared that I would fall into old habits, dark feelings swallowing me whole, reminding me of the past.
5- I was scared to crave toxicity only to end up hurting you again.
6- I was scared. Period.

I have lived so many lives.
Pictured so many different futures for myself.

I have been the victim.
I have been the villain.
I have burned every past version of myself.

My current version is the only life I want to live.
The life where love comes naturally.
The life where I chose safety and comfort with no regrets.
The life where I try and try and try.

The problem is I can’t burn the old versions that live inside my head.
Almost every single night I dream.
Each dream has the same message.
One where I am with an old version of myself.
One where I do life differently.
One where I keep seeing him. Or him. Or him.

But I’m angry.
It’s not fair that my old versions can live freely in my dreams.
With no remorse.
With no consequences.

It’s as if my dreams visit as a daily reminder that I will never escape my past.

I have grown so accustomed to these dreams, I wake up every morning saying “hello old friend”.

Knowing this is my penance.