We are all broken inside
A sliver of humanity
                                                                                  Shattered
Hiding the truth from us
And pelting words
                                                         --Curses--
Bidding us to use them
In all our haste.
                            We condemn ourselves to our own fates.

I'll tell you what I thought about when I was gone and so alone,
Secrets with no one to tell--
Every action in this world has a consequence,
And I don't talk like an open book.

Don't tell anybody about the things we have planned
Or how you turned me around:
They just want to push us down,
But I will muster every ounce of confidence
To promise not to promise anymore.
I will take the chain from off the door:
It's not too late to apologize.
I went as far as I could,
I'm not afraid to fall, I might just learn to fly.
We learned so much about ourselves,
But did you know how much you moved me?

My world is not everything I hoped it would be.
It's a little bit scary;
I am lost for words.
I feel alone in the unknown,
All I want is to be in the light.
Please get me out of here,
Wash away all my tears,
Let me know that I'm not alone;
I am scared:
They are trying to figure out what I'm all about,
But it's not easy to be me--
I try my best.
You know I'd fall apart without you.

I want to see you be brave.
If you're still waiting for the breakdown,
I just hide it away--
Throw it away.
I feel like a problem girl,
And you are more than I deserve.

You want to know more about me?
It seems like there's always someone who disproves,
So I built a concrete wall.
Please be there through it all--
Everybody has a dark side.
Will you love me?
Will you love mine?
My hair looks dull,
My shoes are wrong,
They laugh at me,
I don't belong.

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got until it's gone?
I'm tired of hurting,
But I'm slowly learning that
Tomorrow may be one day too late.

Even the best fall down sometimes,
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme,
But when the time comes,
Don't run,
Set me free.
Here I stand,
Just the way I'm suppose to be,
But I'm going to make that change.

I will dance if you ask me to dance,
But right now I'm sitting here praying for reason.
You don't know a thing about me,
But I threw a wish in the well:
Be my escape--
I need someone who stands beside me,
Not in front of or behind me.
Please listen closely to everything I say,
Otherwise you will never know me.

Do you love

me

             enough

to leave
                                  if I ask?

Do you know what that
Life is like? That
Life that
The survivor that
Became is worth more than that
Who died? The life that
Living souls are worth more than that
Dead guy staring at you out of that
Pathetic history, that
History of survivors that
Had died so long ago that
Had somehow become more than that
Of real life? That
Somehow those people that
Didn't waste away that
Were brave enough that
Instead of pulling that
Trigger or enduring that
Pain were worth less than that
Old dead guy that
No one cares about now?

No, those that
Decided that
Their life was worth more than that
Heartache changed and that
Made them better. That
Made them see that
Their life of worth; that
Life, that
Living, that
Change is of worth. That
Made them worth more than that
Deemed genius that
Changed the world, that
Now lacks power that
Can fix the future that
The world will live in next.

These survivors have that
Which can save that
World that
They live in. They are waiting for that,
A feeling of worthiness that
Saves lives and spares futures, that
In turn colors that
Life of worth that
Everyone strives for. That
To strive for is to listen to that
Which needs to be said. That
Word spoken, that
Ear listening, that
Understanding is that
Which creates that
Survivor of that
World that
Is continuously becoming that
Place where that
Devil devours that
Good light.

That
You could be that
Survivor; that
You can change that
Your fate and that
Everyone's fate is that
Thread hanging from the ceiling that
Is about to snap, that
Others have that
Influence that
Ultimately decides if that
Thread will snap or not is that
Which is most believable. That
You could be the survivor is believable. That
Which is believable will always have that
Opposition and challenge. That
Is the way it is.

She hates me,
He's left me,
I am alone in the
Emptiness of my mind.
Alone with my memories of breaking others
And remembering every time ive broken..
Would it be terrible if i broke more?
he said i wasn't special enough.
i agree.

Heroes are weak.

They go around saving,
Caring,
Loving,
Protecting,
Expecting nothing.

They are exploited,
Used,
Cheated,
Hated.
Forever on their way to destroy
What will not be destroyed.

Yet they continue
In their own quite way.

I want to be weak.

I want to be the person that
Saves,
Cares,
Loves,
Protects.

I want to be the person people forget about.

I WILL be exploited, used, and cheated, but
I am STRONG.

Just like all the heroes before me.



I want to be a hero.

My words are running out...

Daunting.
An empty page--
It spells out my name,
Calling on me--
Nagging--
It pushes me
To build a new castle--
Find a new kingly knight.
But I would want to go back.
It was simpler
When the old pages were full--
When I knew what to expect.
I don't want new adventures--
I love the old ones with
My blood pounding,
Head spinning,
Heart breaking.
I would rather fall with my broken wings
Than learn to walk with my broken soul.
But--
It gradually fills--
Life, like a journey on this empty page
Brings us back to the beginning.

I am full once more
But just as broken as before.

This emotion of flying,
Falling...
I'm not use to it.
It's against the rules,
My silly rules,
To trip into someones arms.

And it's against the rules for
Someone to catch me.

Why did you?...

It feels like standing
On the edge
With a choice to fall
Or stand.
But either way
The depths cannot be suppressed.

It is exhilarating
And feared, just waiting
For the crash at the bottom.

It was dark and dreary. The poorly lit room stank of mold and mildew as ill kept books lay rotting in a pile. Weary of rats and spiders, you set to work, salvaging what you could, which tended to be nothing. Book after rotting book thrown into a pile, the smell of decay growing in the air. Finally, at the bottom of the stack, you discover a book bound in soft red velvet locked with a golden chain. Intrigued, you hid the book beneath your shirt, so The Others would not know of your precious treasure. The book's name: Future.

Your secret you may longer keep, it was future for the taking, but light may nar reach your place with confidence dividing. Returning to what you once knew is a ruin you can't face, staring at you through unclear eyes, the future you are bound to lose, but it is not a good thing to think that way now.

The Others-- they are lifeless faces, blank expressions interacting like clockwork and just the same every day. They needlessly stare at your labeled stupidity, a genius in society, lacerating you from the rest of society. There is an encompassing "alone" around your being, which you appreciate like perfume on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Yes, these are the days where you may escape for a few hours from pointed fingers and gawky gazes.

Another Tuesday on its way out, you brush the dust from your jeans and determine that they cannot see the book that you tucked away so carefully. How ancient is this book, to be buried beneath centuries of dilapidated covers? Yet, strangely, it did not suffer the same fate. Perhaps the future is like you are: something that will not change to conform to its surroundings.

Sure.
You can do that.
Just a flower,
Small,
Insignificant.
It can't change the world,
You say.
So you can get away with it.
You can get away with
Stepping on it,
Pulling the petals off one
By one.
Just a flower.
Only a flower.
One out of
Millions.
What is one dinky flower
In comparison to the
Capability you have to give?

You can give,
You can take,
You can build,
You can break.
Just a flower.
Does a flower matter?
Beat it,
Break it.
Ignore the perfect imperfections,
Ignore the hurt you cause.
You say you will give back,
Some way some how,
So you don't mind,
It's only a flower.

The flower has one question:
What do you have to give?

What do you do…
You fall in love with your best friend.
He's in love?
But not with you.
Sitting there imagining his arms,
Protecting arms,
Around you.
Then.
You remember his heart belongs to another.
He's taken all the poetry…
today you feel empty.
Waking to fog and snow,
Wanting to die there.
You were alone.
Again you are alone.
And yet, you can never tell him
Your heart is bleeding.

You say you want us to write.
Write about our feelings, locked inside,
But nothing deep.
But feeling is deep
Unless you're shallow.
Problems ruin people's lives,
Judgment is just discrimination against
People different than you.
There is not enough paper
Nor time enough
To write all I want to say about the world.

I had hot chocolate for breakfast.

You say write about yourself.
Here are the things everyone knows about me:
I'm a helpless romantic,
Wishing on a shooting star.
I eat ice cream in the winter,
And my dreams are bigger than the moon.
I try my luck in sticky situations and
I smile all the time
And love to laugh at things
But not at people.
What people don't know about me:
Too much.

Sometimes I wonder,
If I disappear,
Would anyone notice or care?

I'm not scarred
Like those homeless,
Like those abused,
Like those starved.
I'm not broken,
I'm not beaten,
I'm not dead.
But sometimes I feel that way.
There are too many people
Walking down this same rainy street.
They feel so alone while others walk right by.
It feels so lonely to walk down a
Rainy street in a crowed.

So many people dream,
Waiting and wanting to be noticed.
Some give up on their dreams,
Their resolutions falling victim to
Substance,
Drugs.
Some stronger than they
Fulfill their childhood pastimes.

Will I ever be enough?
That question plagues those that
Walk this world.
Is "enough" a set point
Or always just above our heads--
Out of reach?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a horrible person.
Yes, I think so.
I'm glad you disagree.
There are too many people like me.

I feel gone--
Dead by some accounts.
Lonely and abandoned I fall
Exhausted from the pain.

Pangs of emptiness
Flow through my veins.
I am diseased with
Hopelessness.

Stricken,
There is now way out.
Abandoned,
There is no way to get there.

Shade the gray light from me,
Gather my pieces.
I am fragile,
Merely breakable.
I don't want to go.

I am gone.
Hypnotized in a drunken world.
They tell me I'm sleepy,
They whisper other things.
I know what they do,
I don't trust what they say.
I trust you.
Are you the same way?

A schizophrenic feeling
Ravages my soul.
Do you exist?
Are you real?
Your smile makes me question.
I'm not worth even that.

Say a word again.
My name.
Not the name They know me by, but
Anything to make me seem real.
Tell me the wishes of my heart.

I don't want to leave,
But I'm only gone.
Destroyed by
Heartlessness.

Sing a song like a lullaby,
Flowers dancing round and round,
Across a glassy lake,
The Frost Prince is battling with
The Daisy Duke again.
Around and around their quarrel continues,
Feet stomping,
Words flailing,
The Flowers taking twists and turns,
Keeping in time with the rhythm.
The ice cracks,
The shatter breaks
The glass into knives within the words,
With Daisy Duke glancing right,
And Frost Prince glancing left,
The Flowers shrink, are cut, and fall.

The Flowers die again.

Here is what I shall do: love without knowing, trust without completely understanding, understand without judgment, try even when I know I will fall short, be ready to get back up before I fall, smile when there is nothing left to smile at, laugh when times are light, kneel when times are dark, find the little things called happiness, wonder at the world, say the words that need to be said, ask the questions that others avoid, be honest when the only option is to lie, forgive others when they hurt me more than they will ever know, be willing to listen to whoever needs to talk, give hugs to people that need help, make friends with people I will never meet again, sprinkle fairy dust on everything to make it sparkle, AND find joy in being myself because every moment is of worth.

Just give me a word,
Any word will do.
A word of promise,
Or a word of hate.
A word can hold a thousand meanings,
Or be as empty as a heart.

Would you understand me more
If my words were worth more
To you?
Could you love me,
Who dreams of love
And whose only release is
Words of heartbreak?

Tell me a word,
And it will be your promise.
Give me a word,
And I will make a world.

It still hurts when I think of your name.

She was in love with the icy night,
Crisp and cool,
Unlike the old she knew before.
Frozen,
Frosted,
Not knowing what danger she danced with
Skipping her way to feelings
That felt unreal.
Is this a dream?
As she kissed the night again,
The marble path reflecting her love's gaze.

It took a while before she realized the biting cold,
Despair in the back of her mind.
But who knows how yearns to return to the icy night,
Under the cool black sky?

There is too much tension here,
The anxiety is getting worse--
Crashing waves,
Frigid and gray,
Sweep the dust--
Once a heart--
Away.
I cannot deal with another deception today.

Can you be my needed wall to lean on,
Or the warm embrace I'm lacking?
And still I feel
My existence is
A burden-- to you, to me,
To those I once called friends.

Would the world continue in its
Unfailing course
If I disappeared?
If no one could remember me...

...I am easily forgotten besides...

The emptiness is growing...
...but I don't want to admit it.
I'm not fine.
I want to tell you,
Need to talk to you,
But I have no words.
When they come,
                                                           ­                                             I am long gone.

Perfect is not obtainable here.
We need mistakes so our
Miss tries,
Miss understandings,
Miss leads
Can then fix and stop behind
Miss takes.

Superficial smiles and
Clever complements
Plague the imperfect people
Wandering the wide world:
This eccentric earth filled with
Rock and Roll.
Too many people roll away
From any truth left,
Gauging themselves,
Their gluttony filled with
Their fake friends that are
Too much.
Too much like those that roll.
If the world was in a race for
The devil's lair of despair,
They would win--
They are well rounded in that area.

If I was more like myself,
Would people still be my friend?

Whine all you want,
The world will not change if
We can't take the change from our pockets
And cause it to go for a
Better cause than our own
Messed up feelings.
Cause you to change first,
So you can help the big problem
In the world.

Did you mean the words you said?
that i only complain about stupid s–
                    But I can't repeat the words you left me with
                                         (the words I call myself)
I never meant to tell you who I was,
But it just kept coming.
My sadness is introverted
And you pushed me enough
That it emptied like a tipped bucket,
Staining your memory of the girl
You once called
Beautiful.

I am the one they call beautiful,
Glittering in shimmery gold,
But listen to my heart break
As I let myself unfold.
I let the tears cascade
As I left my walled protection,
No where left to run from you,
Yet still unclear where I should go.
I am in a maze
Where the only obstacle is you,
Running around in endless circles,
With nothing left to do.
My head is pounding
As from a dreamless night
I wake again exhausted.
I can't bring myself to look at the phone
For fear of pain or pleasure--
Yet I do it anyway.
I dare not speak your name--
The reminder for broken friendship.

If only...

*But I am too vulnerable to dream.

Complete peace,
As I listen to your deep breathing.
I love the feeling of trust that I have
When you are next to me.
A soft smile crosses your lips when I kiss your cheek.
You make me smile,
I can see the light in your eyes,
You are the sun.

I love you.

I don't feel human.
I destroy too much,
Too much to think I am human:
Less than human.
I will break.
I have been broken too long.

Will anybody show me
How to be human again?
Don't say goodbye even though
I'm not here:
I'm in my shadow,
My mistakes deceiving the light in me.
Perfection is friend I made
When I was born to this world.

I'm less human
The more I remain here.
Can't you see
With your own eyes?
The beauty is ebbing away
And I live in a darker gray.
I can't tell if this demon is
Mine, or if it controls me.

Stay with me until the night is gone,
This nightmare has just begun.
Let's go back and diminish
The pains that are of today.
Sing to me until the soft wings of sleep
Suffocate the demon in my mind.
Show me how to be human again,
Like you would if you were mine.

I've been waiting for you to rescue me,
My tears keep coming,
No one there to catch them.
I thought you were here,
But you must have left an hour ago.
A day ago?
A week ago?
My knees are weak,
My sweating hands pulling
******* my ballgown,
I step hastily away
As my heartbreak claims
Another year away.

Would it be better
If I left you?
I surely couldn't have
Hurt you so much
If I was gone to start.
I wish…
Wish with all my heart to
Take the pain away,
The pain I give to you,
And all other pain too.
If only I was better,
Then I could help.
But I can't… and
All I want is for you to be happy.

Pain.
Suspicion.
Don't let it get to you,
Corroding.
Eating. Devouring.
With no remains.

Remember.
You are worth it.
He is worth it.

Don't
Give up.
Work. Walk. Wait.
He will stay with you the entire way.

Old memories past before
And the blows are still sharp-

Were you in such a rush
To throw me away?
The hand outreached to rescue me
From drowning,
Quickly pulled away.

The bruises and scars are here
And the new cuts
Crust over
With frost and ice,
Eager to reopen them.

I wish for someone
To hold me close
While I fall apart.

It would be good
For someone
To thaw my frozen heart.

Don't leave.
I'm desperate for you to hear my secrets.
You can't imagine what I've been through.
You don't know about the tears
That cascaded down my
Rosy cheeks,
But you also don't know how I feel
When I'm with you.
Have I told you how
The roses long to be cradled by
The western wind?
Hold me fast while the breeze turns harsh
And cold.
Take my hand and my heart,
Dance with me endlessly.
We could be the shadows on the walls.
Treasure me:
I am fragile and breakable.
The earthquakes tear this soul apart.
I keep trying to hide behind glass and makeup.
Is it working?
Can you see who I really am?
Forever,
I want you to wait for me.
Find me,
Lost in the darkness.
You left me,
Was my mask too much,
Or my heart too little?

I am scared to ask.

Patience, waiting.
That is what I have learned in this trial.
The need for constant guidance.
I try to learn more of how to reach out,
Reach up!
Feeling the pain,
Agony,
Bring me to my knees.
I receive strength from Thee.
But receiving the answer I am searching for,
Waiting for,
Praying for...

Feels like too much at the moment.

How do I develop that Kind of Faith?
Sometimes I feel I have the faith of Peter,
Thinking that I can walk on the stormy sea.
Then why,
Why!
Is the answer that I want,
The answer I need,
Too hard to ask for?
I sink down into the water.
To be healed, like
The blind man,
The *****,
The woman, with an issue of blood for twelve years,
I've only waited two so far.
Will I need to wait ten more? Or greater?

I have faith that I can be healed by Thee.
But I am scared of reaching out and touching the robe of my Savior.

Maybe...
Maybe...
maybe...
I should start by praying for the courage to
ask for an answer.
For then I will have strength enough to
Ask for the answer He has for me.

Cool, calm,
Not dangerous when
Viewed from a distance,
But unspeakable depths that will drag you
Down,
Down,
down.
Into my ratcheting currents and
Demonic tides at a depth hard to imagine.
And scenes you couldn’t imagine,
At least in my life.
I’m more and less than people think I am.
Unexpected,
Unknown,
And often invisible.
My hands are frost and
The icy mask I wear is melting into my flesh.
But I feel that mask slipping,
Collapsing to the ground and
Shattering,
Freeing the person I am.
Maybe wrong,
The frightening individual I am,
As dangerous as an iceberg,
Could be beautiful too.

People live in dark realities, a seamless nightmare, a grim fairy-tale of hope and heartache. People always try, perhaps their hardest, yet, people always fail: Is it better to question potential, or falter in a better place?

Some gave in-- The Others did. Their first mistake: setting out to fail. Many let it gather, a raging storm waiting to break loose from their eyes, clouding their perception while their friends turn into fiends consulting the devil. They don't know how you live. You let the storm blow over. You didn't give in. Limitless you are in your mind, yet others try to control that. You have always enjoyed your sunny patch in the dark storm of reality, but feel like a beggar at the mercy of this society.

Some things are better left unsaid,
Unsure of what I did,
I hurried, ran, and from you hid,
And took a long road,
Knowing not where it lead.

I feel I'm there, without your lies,
When you took her hand, butterflies,
Then you kissed her lips and then her eyes,
I could feel my tattered heart
Breaking inside.

How could you feel the way I do
When all she wants to see is you
I see you here and then I go,
Staring blankly at my shoes.

I can't seem to find a love like yours.
I only find thistles and thorns.
The roses of paradise trampled by boars,
Without you caring, my heart is torn.

This is my postiche redemption,
An artificial avoidance of the only thing I know.
Heartbreak paints the tension of my soul,
And love is the heart's suicide goal.

It hurts.
Pain,
It's ice cold and devours.
Frigid hands grip,
Clinging to the edge of the cliff,
Not knowing how long they can hang on.
Hot tears burn their way down clammy cheeks and
Through the soul.
Knowing that falling was eminent to fall--
Why was it caused by
Trust--
Trying--
Now it comes to a short and sudden
End.
The silence-- Life now,
It ticks by,
Painstakingly
Slow,
But faster than the rest. I feel my grip slip...

it seems to me
I've been doing much of the reaching
in all my relationships.

Not that I meant for that statement
To come across self-righteously.

I just don't know how to voice all these words.
Or if I should even try
When it feels like I'm talking to a
Concrete wall.
Grey,
Like me, but no chance of falling down.

I knew everyone would leave though...
Forgotten.

Curled up,
The brightness inside me is sick again,
Catching a cold from the words others have said,
Aching as it trembles in the
Recesses of my heart.
I try to remember your words,
Your sweet, warm, kind, loving words,
Hoping
You tell the truth,
Because I know you do.

Thank you for the words you have given me.

I told you.
I told you that if I showed you what's inside
You'd throw all my ugly back.
That You would toss me back
Into the chilly mud and garbage
And turn your back.
Leaving me alone,
Helpless,
Scrambling in the filth to find
What I hid and trusted you to hold.
You promised you wouldn't let go.
And I hoped! And trusted.
Oh how I trusted.
Through pain and through time
I trusted, waiting and loving you
For the brilliant man you are
And knew you could become.
Knowing if anyone could hold my heart
I would choose you,
The one I trusted most.
that's when you started to
feel how cold and heavy it is... that heart...
Ebbing away at your warmth and strength...

Oh how I wish I could have kept it hidden from you.

Every day a new struggle,
But no longer alone in the world
That was my own.
Every day a new day to
Have a friend,
Now more than
I have ever had.
Finally feeling accepted by others,
Seeing that worth wasn’t solely based upon
How I am perceived to be,
But rather how I could make a difference,
Change the world and others,
And having friends to be there, guiding me on my way,
Making me feel like I can hold the whole world,
Chase the rainbows,
Touch the sky,
Catch a shooting star,
Or lasso the moon.

And each friend has guided me on my way,
No matter how often I talked to them,
Or how close we became.

Thank you for touching the lives of so many
With your kindness and love,
You knew how to make everyone's days better
And gave the best hugs.

You always reminded me how much I am worth.

If I were a word yesterday,
They would be about
"Pain"
or
"Lost."
Feeling "trapped" in a
World who knows how to "punish" the
"Weak."
I would see how I have gone "unseen" and
"Ignored" by the ones who "hate" me best.
But that was "yesterday."

If I were a word today,
It would simply be
"Happy."

All I ask for is a heart full of love.
All I've ever wanted is a smile in your eyes.

Seeing you stand there
It makes me stop and stare,
Remembering how we once were.

You said you wouldn't ever leave.
Calls stopped and who knows how long
It has been since you've forgotten me.

This life-- It's tough
With you in a bad disguise.

When I play with your hair
You just don't seem to care
That we are no longer sure.

What I want is more than a brother,
One who will pick me up when I fall
Who will know my song and hold me.

When you want to stay or go
Think

What's the next step in this game called love?
I seem to have forgotten.
I'm the awkward one,
Bumbling over my words and
Losing control of my smiles.
Can you see the look in my eyes?
The one that you somehow put there?
I feel like a schoolgirl with her first crush,
Dancing, singing, blushing, giggling.
Step forward, step back, step forward again.
What is the next step?
Twirling around, laughing,
Then frozen. I've forgotten.
Love is a dance not a game.
Could I ask you to show me the next dance step?

Have you ever wondered how one spark can illuminate the universe?
Once thought as black and pressing,
now realized to be endless.
One spark.
One spark of knowledge
casting out the darkness
and giving needed knowledge to the world.

You have wondered.
Your soul feels the crushing question of existence
weighing down on your consciousness, often wondering,
"Is this a figment of another's dream?
Are others meant to push to a
pre-decided future?"
You may never find the truth you lack, you may never be satisfied.

One spark--
All knowledge needs to come from somewhere.

I want to fall in love,
Fall hard,
But smiling all the way,
Never wonder what it would be like
To never hold his hand,
Cause I know he would never leave.

Make me smile,
I've been missing that lately,
Missing him,
The one I have never met yet,
The one I've been dreaming of.

Invisible I,
Nothing to do with
Victory over anything but
Inconsiderate and inconsistent things.
Slowly I slip from memories
Isolating myself from the
Bullies of my own creation,
Letting my own thoughts of myself slip through
Eternity.

                I want to forget myself too.

No one hears my voice.

Yes. I know.
Their ears hear and their eyes watch.
But they can't dig deeper than that.

My voice is quiet, insignificant, petite,
but my voice is strong.
And it wants to be heard.

My words don't come out right when I say them.
People twist out meanings that were never there.
They hear with ears,
but they don't listen with hearts.

I write.

The meaning is clear to see,
To understand you must look.
But to those people that take time,
My voice is heard.

No matter if there is anyone there,
These words are loud and call for change.
My voice is heard.
But not to those fools
Who slit the tongue and
Devour every good meaning
Of the voice inside of me,
leaving it dead, empty, quiet, insignificant, puny.

My voice is dead
When it is unwritten.
Yet no one really wants to take the time;
Read and listen.

No one hears my voice.