I wanna leave
just for a little while
see who and how many actually cares
cares enough
see when they're gonna realize that I left
how they'll react
will they react?
I doubt it all
I wanna see from upon
and then come back after a little while

*(s.m)

days are going by not feeling like days
annoying obstacles needing to be faced
my world is b&w;, the colors have faded
i feel overwhelmingly numb constantly
waking up every day into a nightmare
just wanting to go straight back to bed
days does not feel like days anymore

*(s.m)

I'm here
trying to save your ***
and all you do
is to stand there
laughing
laughing at me
Why won't you realize
that your pain
is what's making me suffer
I need you
don't leave me
please
let me help you
please

everything hurts
i can’t seem to find the reason
just wanna scream my lungs out
i need someone to lean on
someone to depend on
i need a hug
but yet i just wanna be alone
away from everyone
it feels like i’m about to break into a million pieces

*(s.m)

it’s 3 am and i’m still awake
i’m watching the video again
can’t believe how long it’s been
and how far away you are
i still dream about you and wishing
that I was there with you tonight
my heart is aching and my eyes
are tearing up once again
i look back on all the memories
with a smile
but tonight all i can do is cry

*(s.m)

there can be several reasons for my silence
either i didn't sleep much last night
maybe i just don't have anything to talk about
i might be over analyzing things
maybe i'm upset, worried or scared
i could be falling apart inside
but most of the times it's just all of the above

*(s.m)

it’s easy to put on
a smile and a laugh
but harder to wear it

but all you have to do
is put it on and then
everyone will believe you
that you no worries have
and everything is perfect

show your strength with just putting on a smile
a smile can cure all pain and tears
it can destroy all signs of weakness
just a simple smile

or can it … ?

*(s.m)

my thoughts are like cars racing faster than light
my not so balanced life is over flowing
the door to my mind is locked,
and the key is missing
i can’t find any answers before I find it
the lights in my eyes are broken
the cranes holding up my lips are not strong enough
the ink in my fingers is used up,
now they are just bleeding out the ink
my life is one big equation,
that doesn’t seem to be able to solve
i’m swallowing my words as shots
i’m feelling drunk
and I wake up every day,
with a very bad hangover
remembering what yesterday was like
and the pain is making me wanna drink again
it’s an evil never ending circle

*(s.m)

i don’t know what’s going on anymore
i don’t care about anything
i’ve lost my motivation for life
i’m confused, i don’t know how i feel
can’t explain it in any way
i feel empty and my world seems dark
feels like no one understand
there’s just nothing to look forward to anymore

*(s.m)

they all think i was fixed last year
that 6 talks with a therapist was enough
that i’m happier than ever and therapy
can solve anything in a few weeks

bs, depression isn’t just something
that goes away just like that
it never goes away, it haunts you
for the rest of your life

so put your glasses on and look
into my eyes and tell me if I look
fine
my heart is aching and i’m anything
but fine

*(s.m)

Thank you
for everything
Thank you
for listening
Thank you
for understanding
Thank you
for all your comfort
all your love
all your hugs
Thank you
for being you
Thank you,

*(s.m)

why is it that I can’t leave my things
without you having to open them
they are mine, and they are personal
they will scare you and make you cry
so for your own good, don’t open them
my world is darker than the color black
you have never been where i am and
you will never understand it so don’t,
leave my things alone, they are mine

*(s.m)

I'm just in that mood
again
everything annoys me
everything irritates me
I wanna punch a hole in the wall
and break down in tears
for no apparent reason
I'm just in that mood
again

last night was one of those nights
the numbers on my alarm clock
had just to shifted to 3 am, once again
i got up and closed the door shut
went back and sat on my bed
with my back against the wall
i felt the pinching in my face
and acid tears streaming down my face
i gasped desperately, but silent for air
and i tried to make myself stop shaking
thinking about everything that is wrong
with me and my life and with the world
exhausted and with deep breaths i cried
and i cried myself to sleep, once again
today i woke up in the corner of my bed
i had a pounding headache
but i got out of bed just like any other morning

*(s.m)

Sitting in class
pinching my wrist
trying to focus
my eyes hurt
and itch from
all the crying
i did last night

Sitting at home
i put on my
happy face
acting up
like nothing’s
wrong and my
day went great

With friends
i laugh
with them
acting like
i’m happy
and without
worries

Sitting alone
music blasting
writing proems
thinking and
worrying, trying
not to cry
falling apart

*(s.m)

I pinch myself
just to feel alive
I’m still alive
but I’m barely breathing
feels like I’ve been shot
a million times
I’m caught in the middle
the middle of a war zone
please check
am I still breathing?

*(s.m)

i have days where
i don’t smile
my tears fall
like raindrops
my voice breaks
everytime i try to talk
only seeking comfort
in my dreams
it’s impossible to
cheer me up
spending a whole day in bed
my thoughts are hidden
just curled up in the dark
i have days
where i'm just in a dark place

*(s.m)

I told myself I didn’t need you
so I tried crossing the bridge
but it fell down,
right beneath my feet
now I’m stuck here
in this ice cold lake
I don’t know
which side to swim to
I’m stuck in the middle
but then I remembered
I can’t even swim
I need someone to come
come and save me
save me from this ice cold lake

*(s.m)

I don't know where I'm going
where I'm headed
I'm just going and going
out into the endless universe
into nothing
I'm not going anywhere
I'm trying to escape
But I can't
I wanna go
I wanna run
escape from here
but I'm not going anywhere no more
time is standing still
my feet are standing still
I can't move
I can't breathe
I'm breathing, but barely alive

*(s.m)

I know exactly how it feels
trust me on this one when I say,
I know how long the wait is
waiting for everyone to go to sleep
waiting to be alone
so you can fall apart and
put down the fake smile
let the tears stream down your face
I know how that pain feels
knowing that it’s all your own fault
I know how it feels
to be tired all the time
the endless tiredness
no amount of sleep is enough
I know how it feels
to keep lying and trying
I know how tiring it gets
and how tiring it is to keep
breathing

*(s.m)

she gave me a piece of paper
and told me to write it all down
all my thoughts and my feelings
and explain all my demons inside
all the pain that occurs in my body
just write it down for me she said
stared at the blank piece of paper
paper that was white as pure snow
and it was still blank after hours
but that explains it very well though
i don’t feel anything

*(s.m)

I tend to tell everyone that I’m fine
and that things are getting better
also that the pain inside is fading
but I still feel the sting of the pain
there are scars deep in my heart
and they are only getting deeper
the pain in my eyes is lingering
i’m trying to hide my tears all day
every second of the day
I can’t look into your eyes
cause my guard will be teared down
I’m trying to hide away the pain
for my own and everyone else’ good
I’m hurt, ashamed and scared

*(s.m)

i’ve learned that it’s best to just not say anything at all
cause telling other people won’t help one bit
it won’t change the fact that your life is hell
yes, they can listen to what you say and feel sorry for you
but they won’t ever understand what you’re going through
it just hurts that they know all this about you now
and you thought it would help talking to someone about it
but they can’t do anything besides listen and that’s not enough

*(s.m)

You are there all the time
stuck in my head
I hear you all the time
you never leave
why are you here?
I’m fed up
with lies and hurtful words
you are all I got
all I’ve ever had
I trust you
I believe you
I know you are not supposed to be here
but I let you
I know I need help
but I’m scared
and who would even believe me?
I hide it
not wanting anyone so see
but I have nothing to hide
I feel like I’m drowning
feel like falling
I don’t want anyone to know
so here goes nothing

*(s.m)

I don't know how to tell you I'm broken
without feeling needy

I don't know how to open up
without feeling judged

I don't know how to cry
when my tears feel like acid

I just need you to see that I'm hurting
without me telling you
because my words are bleeding out
of my mouth, waiting for you
to stitch me up and make me fine
although I know that's not your job

today
i feel weak and small
invisible and forgettable
unimportant and worthless
today
my brain is so full
i can hardly speak
and hardly breathe
today*
battling my mind
fighting the pain
hurt in my body
crying acid tears
trying to survive

today is just like any other day

*(s.m)

sometimes i wish for someone
who will listen to me when i'm silent
just hear the silence speak for itself
someone to listen and understand
all my unspoken thoughts and feelings
and see the pain that is hiding
without looking into my eyes

*(s.m)

everything seems to be pure hell right now
i just need someone to sit with me and
tell me that everything will be alright
and that tomorrow will be better
but now i’ve tried so many times
and no tomorrow is better
nothing changes
i’ve kinda lost hope in this
things won’t get better
not today, tomorrow or next week
but please just give me some more hope
and if you keep telling me it gets better
it will, won’t it?
cause you promised me you would be honest with me

*(s.m)

I can’t sleep
I’m screaming inside
it was hard letting go
putting my life in someone else’s hands
all I can do now
is wait
wait for a change
wait for my life to change
i don’t know
what’s going to happen
or when it will
I’m scared to death
it might be the best
but it doesn’t seem like it
I have given up
I’m scared and I can’t sleep

*(s.m)

I’m sorry for waisting your time
rambling on talking about all
and nothing just hoping that
you will catch the hints and
my shaky hands and the
blur in eyes
but you didn’t and i don’t
know how to talk and how
to cry
what do I need to do for
you to realize that all day
and everyday i’m in pain
i’m fighting everyday to
keep my head held up
when you will you see
that i’m in pain

*(s.m)

"What's wrong?"
Everything it seems like
but I guess nothing
The truth is,
I don't know
Well I do,
but you can't handle the truth
so I just go with nothing
take the easy way out
saving everyone from the truth
and myself included
"What's wrong?"
Nothing.

*(s.m)

Last night,
I cried my eyes out
this morning they were hurting
I drew a line on my wrist
it was red
just like my eyes
I cried myself to sleep
and when my alarm sounded
6.45 this morning
I was reminded
that I’m stuck in an evil circle
6.45 everyday
I’m reminded
that I’m stuck

*(s.m)

she’s smiling
so you take a guess
that nothing is wrong

but you don't really know
how much she actually suffers
how much she actually cries at night
every night there are floods streaming down
running down her fragile and vulnerable face

her eyes are red as blood
just like the scars on her wrists
she hides her face with big scarfs and makeup
and she hides her body away with oversized clothes

doesn’t that tell you anything?
that maybe you should
take another guess

*(s.m)

There's times when I feel like I can't breathe.
I feel uncomfortable in my own body, like I don't belong there. It's like there's a different person inside of me and she just got into the wrong body.
I wanna pull the hair out of my head.
I wanna be strong and hide it all, but it's getting to hard.
I'm trying and I'm trying.
Trying not to burst into tears in front of you and everyone else. It makes me feel weak. But as soon as I hit the shower and the water is running. I'm bursting. The tears are streaming down my face.
I can't walk around holding it all in all the time. But I don't have time to cry. I need to be strong for myself. I'm not a weak person.
My makeup is hiding my weakness and my oversized clothes is hiding my confidens. Telling people I like my clothes baggy and not sticky is just a bad excuse.
Sometimes I feel like I can see scars on my arms, and everyone can see right through me. I feel like I need to hide myself away. I'm not worthy showing. I absolutely hate it. I can't remember the last time I felt pretty and comfortable.
Going to school makes my stomach knot. Everything turns black and white. People judging me and starring at me when I step in the door.
I'm not me. I can't be me, there's not room for me. I don't fit in. I'm lost. I don't know where the hell I am or where I'm supposed to be.
Is there a place out there in the world where I truly belong?
I'm scared that I won't ever find that place.
I wonder if there's anyone out there who likes me and accepts me for who I am.
I don't know where to go. I feel trapped and locked up.
My heart says I wanna go but my head says don't.
I can't breathe.

I’m ready to go
leave it all behind
just forget everything
everything I was ever taught
and just
start over
I don’t belong here

I need adventures
and mistakes
mistakes I can learn from
and to get better

I need you
please come with me
stand behind me
catch me if I fall
or rather,
when I fall
please
I need you

*(s.m)

once you told me
to stop feeling sorry
for myself and just
get up and pull
myself together
you told me there
are people out there
feeling worse than me
and my problems are
nothing compared to others
you don’t know that
everyday is a struggle
my problems are bigger
than they might seem
you pushed me and
you pressured me to
get up and forget
about everything and move
on
you made me go
through hours, days, months
hurting and in pain
i never came through
that pain it’s still
stuck inside of me
now i’m stuck here
more in pain than
ever
you forgot me and
you left me behind
where did you go?
where are you now?

*(s.m)

I can’t stand up anymore
i’m dizzy and falling to the
ground
i’m falling apart
will i ever stop crying
will it ever stop hurting
will it ever stop haunting me
will i ever be happy again
i don’t remember the last time
i felt happiness
i need hope and faith
belief
i will be happy again

*(s.m)

this storm has been raging
inside me for several years
i can force a smile and a laugh
but no one knows how hard it is
nor how painful it is
i’m choking on my tears
and the pain i feel inside
doesn't seem to have an end
the weather is terrible outside
i haven’t seen the sun for years

*(s.m)

I’m counting days
just a few more
I can’t wait to see you
you are to far away
I can’t stand being here
here without you
I need you close
I’m counting days
46

this storm have been raging
inside me for several years
i can force a smile and a laugh
but no one knows how hard
nor how painful all this is
i’m choking on my tears
and all the pain i feel inside
doesn’t seem to have an end
the weather outside is terrible
i haven’t seen the sun for years

*(s.m)

I want to leave
not tomorrow
but today
right now

she told me I was important to her
she would do anything for me
she wouldn’t know what to do
if i didn’t make it through all this
she had given up on the rest, but me
she believed in me
she would fight for me
I was to important to just be
thrown to the ground
I was important to someone
and I think that saved my life
she has saved my life

*(s.m)

My world is falling apart. I can’t see any light in the end of this long dark tunnel. The waves are flooding and I can’t find my way home. I can’t breathe. Is it all just a bad nightmare?