Ah, and this--
this--
Where I have wanted to be.

I am begging for help
I have been here before
I know how this goes
I am begging for help
But my lips remain closed.

His little lover drowned downtown the
Emotions little lover found through sound he
Didn't know were too deep, little lover wasn't found but
Little lover sank and drowned.

Her little lover drowned on the highway the
Feelings in the songs little lover played were
Too heavy, even on a good day so
Little lover sank on the highway.

Little lover couldn't swim through pain
Little lover couldn't float on the thoughts from the brain
Little lover couldn't get a single break
Little lover just sank, sank, sank.

And he's crying, and she's crying
Little lover wasn't dead, little lover's dying
No one even saw lover's head above the waves
So little lover's somewhere rotting in the lake.

The funeral had only two attendees that
Weren't paid just to weep and look sad and
Little lover would've hated everything about
That funeral if little lover was still around.

Little lover didn't get a pair of wings
Or fly to heaven to forever sing
And little lover isn't burning in hell
But little lover isn't alive and well.

Little lover disappeared in a second
Little lover ceased to exist then
And little lover didn't tell, not a sound
Little lover just drowned.

I don't need a miracle
To make me smile
I don't need a comedian
To make me laugh awhile

I don't require much at all
To see the little things
That make life worth living
That make gifts worth giving

I don't need money to ride a plane
And at the world, take a look.
Because with a book, I can fly
And see every cranny and nook

I don't need fame to feel love
I don't need Twitter followers or Facebook
Because when I'm with my friends
I've got more than enough

So go on and have your
Superficial wants, but when you're finally ready
Come over to where I live
Where life is true, fun, and steady

Where the sun is shining
So we go outside
And horses are lovely
So we take a ride

Where instinct is action
And plans are no more
Where we laugh and play
'Till we can't anymore

Join me here in this world
Join me in a land of sun
Where we're all filled with love
And never judge anyone

Little sticks
So deadly
Grey in the air
So pure
Mind so focused
Unfocused
Little sticks
Of death
I'm flying
Orange stick
I crash
Red tipped
I inhale
Little sticks of death

It is crowded.
People bustle and laugh and speak.
Each of them have lives and dreams and hopes and pains
Each of them have friends and family and love and are loved and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

Please help me.
Words die on the tip of my tongue, incinerated by the lack of a listening ear and
Thoughts die before they form for lack of conversation and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

I feel as though I am spinning into a magnificant crash landing and
Only vibrate to a stop when I am wrapped tightly in arms and
Feel the emptiness crush to a compacted version of itself and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

I stop breathing occasionally and panic when I can't remember how to inhale and
I wonder why I feel relief in those moments, just behind the terror and
I scold myself because I was never brave nor cowardly enough to and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

There was a time when I would bleed emptiness onto my floor and
Slice into my skin with a knife as dull as the world seems to be and
Starve it out of my body with a determined for of will and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

I am empty, exhausted now, too tired to coax the void out of me and
I can no longer remind myself that things will be better as they are not bad and
I instead stare into space and wait until my closed eyes will not reopen and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

Imagining things
I'm never going to do
Reading a book
Eating some food

Lonely
Depressed
Motivationless

Do you think you're better off alone?
When the ceiling of a ***** room
Is the night sky and stars and
You're getting comfortable in late night gloom.

.

I'd hate to go home alone but I never left my bed.

.

What's worth the air in your lungs today?
Is it the people you forgot to keep in touch with
Or the helpless yearning for something
Or the life you remember you used to miss.

.

I smoke cigarettes for the warmth in my lungs
And the burn in my throat
Like one thousand bright suns.

.

You could've been vulnerable and explained that
You'd **** for an hour with warm arms around you
And a listening ear, and ****** movies on Netflix
And that cry you refused to allow yourself to do.

.

If any less of a **** was given about your problems
The whole world would be constipated
Permanently.

.

I could've pretended awkward hands in the dead of night
Meant true love, meant something, meant, at least, mutual 'like'.
But denials' for people who don't think so much
And thinkings' my best ally and my worst crutch.

.

You should take hold of your life today, get up, do something
But this bed is safe, this bed is familiar for the ambition-less
And you're the only one who shat there
So sleep in it.

.

The futures' only bright for optimists and I'd never be accused of that.

.

When I'm getting tired of wrapping a lack of feeling
Into precise stanzas, lines, and rhymes
Maybe I'll figure out what I've been rambling on about
Stand up, and live my life.

.

Eenie, meanie, miney, mo
What the **** is life good for
I'll trade you a penny, you give me a dime
And we're all still running on borrowed time.

.

You're too tired to sleep today; three more and you won't wake up.

.

This is the end, I've picked out a date
Got everything planned out, no one's awake, no one can stop me.
Wait. I chickened out, missed it again, failed like the failure I am.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

.

Isolation's only fun for the people with nothing better to do.

.

There's no good way to end something that began badly.
I should remember that
It's a good line
Almost proverbial.

Look your best for death
Before you drown in a fairytale
You've marked the date with an 'X'
In red on your calendar
You plan to sneak out that night
And you've butterflies in your chest
But you've just got to have this date with her
So look you're best for death
"I love you's" are for the dead.

I used to do it slow
Drag the knife like a violin bow
Just to see my blood
Spill out the way it should

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I used to feel spite
Nipping at my heart day and night
But then I found the knife
And everything was alright

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I used to be so good
Better than any child ever could
And then the pAiN found me
So dense, it is, I cannot see

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I used to write letters
And hope they'd know me better
When I finally left this world
Ripped free like an oyster's pearl

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I'm a different person now.
I'm no longer in pAiN
I'm living in apathy
In ever-constant rain

Slices are merely cuts
And blood is nothing big
Pain is simply life
And calm is nonexistent

The method behind the madness
Always shows in the end
I cut my arms to see my blood,
Feel the pain and realize I'm alive again.

biting my tongue on words it's too early for
grasping at air like you're there to be touched
craving your voice from sunup to sundown
praying, begging, these hopes wont be crushed

its your magnetism
its what pulls me to you
its the way you inspire me
its the things i want to say and do

i think about you constantly
with you im at my happiest
i want to hear you all the time
as im nursing this single wish

its your magnetism
its your voice your words
its your smile that i adore
its your laughter as my reward

theres a plane with my name on it
thats what im hoping for
theres fifteen thousand miles
and im done with each one, no more

i feel like a child again
the world is my oyster
space is the limit on my dreams
and you're a star cluster

I will reach out the same hands I used to push the world away
And grasp to it like a child
Do not leave me alone right now or I will cease to exist.

I will fade, eventually, one day, maybe; but I will not fade like this.

I will shake apart into the billion pieces I ripped myself into
And scatter myself in the wind.
If I am apart, I cannot, all at once, be yanked from my body.

There's is no pull but the one I feel, I know something's got me.

I can feel the panic creep up my spine and constrict my lungs
Hold my hand please
I am not ready, I don't want to leave again, I can't endure another crash.

I curl into the tightest of ***** and pray this moment will pass.





I would that you, someone, would make me real.
I have tried and failed.
In this moment, I exist and I believe it.

Tomorrow, I will float above myself and know.
I will know we are all a lie.
I will question why I pretend at living and try to cease it.

Paranoia will cover my brain and tell me the truth:
None of this is real. I am not real.
But I would like to real. I would that you, someone, would make me it.

She is unhappy
She feels so scarred
She feels so ugly
She feels so large

She looks so tired
She looks so trapped
She seems so sad
So broken, so snapped

She doesn't cry like an angel
Her eyes are puffy and her face is a mess
She gives silent heaves and wipes at her nose
And she knows she as ugly as everyone says

She ***** in her cheeks
Pinches her nose
Pulls up her brows
Then drops the pose

She changes her clothes
She fixes her nails
She cuts her hair
And no one cares

She slathers on foundation
Stains her lips with rouge
Conceals every imperfection
Stills her hair with mousse

She still feels ugly
She still feels overweight
She still won't eat a bite of food
Until she feels she looks great

But that day isn't coming
She is judged everyday
By that mirror and that scale
And the model on the front page

She's fat, she knows it
She's not in perfect shape
There's no thigh gap
There's no one that likes her face

And she's staring at the mirror
Seeing her reality
She wants to look better
She wants to be pretty

She's staring at the mirror
She's waiting for the image to change
She's waiting for her work to pay off
She checking every single day

And she's staring in the mirror
It's been years and she still doesn't fit
And she's staring at the mirror
But never once has she liked the image

Some days, I wish I was deaf
I wish I couldn't hear
So that people could make their routine sounds
And my mind would stay clear

'Misophonia' they call it
It's driving me insane
A hum, a chew, a noise
Replaying in my brain

I can't abide people
Because they'll make a sound
And just like that my good mood
Crashes to the ground

Misophonia, they call it
Misophonia, I hate my ears
They pick up every single noise
I wish I couldn't hear

*Misophonia, literally “hatred of sound”, is a form of decreased sound tolerance. It is believed[1] to be a neurological disorder characterized by negative experiences resulting only from specific sounds, whether loud or soft.

You'll find no loyalty to a country in me
A body of land is a body of land
And that is all it will ever be.

You'll find no tether to a grave with me
Mistakes were made for which must be paid
But before it's due, I will flee.

You'll find no tearful denials in my speech
The people have done what they thought they must
And that has never shocked me.

You'll find no willful positivity in me
The hand we've turned will be a lesson learned
Wether it be joy or misery.

You'll find little else but solidarity
My morals are my country
My strength is my mentality
My freedom, my nationality

You'll find little else but the strength to temper your mistakes
With stoic resignation I will watch
As this country breaks, it breaks.

I imagine your hands dwarfing someone else's and the image puts something bitter on the back of my tongue
I imagine you sweeping back hair that doesn't curl rebelliously at your fingers, insisting your hand stay with them
Words wet with dismay stick to my dry throat and if I could cough them out thered be nothing but different configurations of "stay"
I imagine your lips covering some spectre of a woman who is not me and I am amazed by the vastness of my hate

I remember the warmth of your chest as you pressed into my side, crowded me to the table, and my heart leapt into my throat
I couldn't think past awareness of you, felt you down my spine and into my shoes
That little was enough to do to leave me gasping
I'd be frigid if I insisted I could ever do without it

I remember kissing the mouthpiece of a roll and inhaling acrid smoke and you pressed the tip of your spliff to my lips before I had finished coughing and
Chased smoke like it was an ever-distant horizon vanishing into my chest
I am a ruined woman, stuck dreaming and waiting, there's humiliation that comes with this sort of infatuation

You get me tense, keep me constantly on the precipice of something, torso dangling over a railing, always threatening the possibility of free fall
I can hardly deal with my day to day humanity, the depravity you spark is beyond me and my meager means of processing

You look at me and I feel distinctly underdressed, publicly indecent, unnecessarily yearning as though I've never once known decorum
I fumble as I rarely do, trip over words like they're untied shoes, and my heart is imprinted under the press of your thumb
I've caught myself often wondering if I am merely imagining the heat of the summer and I am roasting in your company
My skin oversensitive, my heart aches with fresh burns, but when you leave I freeze and claw you back to me

The way that my mind, ever caterwauling, overthinking, shaking is so immediately quiet and still to give your voice room
That the world narrows to a point and the buzz of reality fades and I can focus on you
That the fear I cradle is smothered by the weight of your consideration
There's so much that qualifies as perfection that its unfamiliarity makes me consider running from whatever it is brewing between you and me.

Mondays
When I oversleep
Forget to eat
And fall out of seats

Mondays
When they hate on gays
"What *******" they say
And reject all change

Mondays
When the people are biased
And no one's ever quiet
And the children rebel and riot

Mondays
When people are killed
For someone else's thrills
Against loved one's wills

Mondays
I say
But, in truth,
It's everyday.

I know I smile
At you when you speak
But you actually annoy me
More than I let on

I know I'm too serious
Whenever you see me
But I really like you
More than I let on

I know I'm too stoic
When you show me you care
But I need your sympathy
More than I let on

I know I'm too happy
When you try to be serious
But I need your respect
More than I let on

I won't always show
What I feel on my face
But sometimes it's hard
To give you a way

To see what I'm feeling
To make me vulnerable
But I wish I could show you
More than I let on

I wonder, at times, if you regret.
Perhaps you wish you hadn't woken up in time
To catch a swinging hammer as it whistled through the air
And subsequently saved my life.

Do you wish you'd told him one time less
Not to **** me as you walked away, swaddled in blankets?
From that filthy scene, from his hands wrapped around my neck
From my strangled gasps as I fought to breathe.

Do you regret defying your doctor's warning?
He'd told you, your first pregnancy was a miracle, be satisfied
Do you wish you'd simply nodded and taken that to heart
Went home with your first baby and followed his advice?

Do you ever believe his words: there's something in me that must be beaten out?
You kept me from death despite all my tries, the whole while telling me to go
You firmly believed I should live, if only to assuage your guilt
Do you wish, just once, you'd told me "yes" instead of "no"

Do you wish you'd let me go?









I do.

I am happy in life and with the people I know
But I am not happy with you
I wouldn't go back for the world, wouldn't change a thing
But I'd never begrudge it of you.

If you went back, would you erase me, the stain on what could've been family?
Would you rip me from your perfect life and beg forgiveness for being cruel?
Or would you decide to, once again, not be my savior or mother?
With all due respect, if you would, you're a fool.

Some days
I see how you act
With her
And I remember
I'm the child
You
Didn't want.

I cannot reach my Muses
And I'm beyond terrified
I can hear their voices
But there's no spark inside

Perhaps I've found another
And have not realised it yet
But the possibility doesn't halt the panic
I worry and I fret.

It seems muse has become affection
It seems inspiration is admiration
It seems awe is now infatuation
It seems I cannot deal with this situation.

Muse, I am searching
Dear Muse, please come home
Muse, please stop hiding
Please see this blockade gone.

My Muse, do not remain silent.
My Muse, are you blocked from me?
My Muse, my love and inspiration
My kingdom for you to be free.

Half past nine
And the night feels so young
Despite eyelids too heavy to open

Inspiration
On the tip of the tongue
And tapping fingers on keys.

Thoughts prevail wrapped in affection
And the door to originality is awry
Affection and Muse mix seamlessly.

Confusion in delusions
What could and should scrape by
The heart and the pen are insoluble.

Panic within existentialism
No words come to mind
Affection is not Muse.

Separation of heart and hand
Leave old alliances behind
For Muse or for Affection?

I get....excited
Because I'm insecure
I want to cling to what I have
And what I didn't have before

I get hyper
I have to hold on tight
So if I come off badly
It's so you don't leave my sight

I'm very....possessive
I can't give what's mine away
I need to have the people
That I really want to stay

I get loud
To attract attention
I'm versatile
I want to be mentioned

I change depending on who's talking
To better fit their expectation
And when they like me
I chain myself to them

So, my bad
I'm a bit manipulative
And yes, my bad
I don't want to be hated

I get... mean
When things don't to plan
I gravitate to those
Who'll take my outstretched hand

I'm envious of most people
Who can show what they feel
Because I don't want to feel pathetic
So I never act real

I get...anxious
When I don't feel in place
So I fake self-confidence
And let come what may

I've no self-esteem
And I'm very bitter
When I boost up others
And I feel no better

I get...jealous
My friends are mine alone
And I will not, I cannot
I refuse to let them go

So, my bad
I know I'm a mess
I can blame it on my past
That I've never put to rest

And yes, my bad
Please don't hate me
I know I'm not ideal
I know I'm crazy

I'm actually quiet
I'm actually paranoid
I'm actually misophonic
I actually hate noise

I don't like most people
I pretend that I do
So I know it's my bad
If I've mislead you

Because I get lonely
My mind has it's own agenda
I pull people in
Because I feel horrendous

I get...overwrought
And I swear off food
And I cut my arms
And I sit and brood

This is all my fault
Please don't be mad
I swear, I can change
My bad, my bad

That long hair that flows
Right down her back
A rich chocolate brown
Following wherever she goes

Those little coral slips
Just above her chin
Shaped like a heart
Stretched tight when she grins

Those indescribable orbs
Are they brown, blue, green?
But no, it's an amalgamation
That falls somewhere in between

A laugh so bright and contagious
That I join it no matter my mood
So genuine and lovely that when
It's fading I give pursuit

A smile I can't help but mimic
As it's forms around the words
That tickle me to teary laughter
No matter how absurd

And she is my friend
She means the world to me
She's my current standard
My definition of beauty

His lips pull into a wretched smile
That used to make me follow suit
But as it forms around hurtful words
I know that, in truth,

He was always ugly
And I was just entertainment
He'd never see me equally
And I'd never be able to make him

He mocks all I can't change
And discourages all that I do
And I've not enough self-confidence
To counter the words he threw

How did I miss how hideous
This child of a boy could be?
As now, he's set the standard
Of my definition of ugly

I've got it portrait of myself
Drawn all on my own
I can see all of my flaws
That I dutifully scribbled down

And I'll show people with a smile
And they tell me it's quite ugly
And then blanch as they realize
I've drawn a picture of me

And there is some part of
My heart that takes the blows
Even though they called me pretty
My brain really knows

So I walk up to my mirror
And ***** my value, my assets
I don't think I'll ever understand
How anyone can look like this

All the magazines
I pour over hold
All the pretty people
All the pretty souls

And I wish I was like them
I wish I could be
But nothing seems to alter
My perception of reality

Ana and Mia are my best friends
Down goes the food, then back up again
"Don't eat it, doll, you must be thin"
"Well, now that you have, regurgitate it."

It's delicious on the tip of my tongue
Then bitter like guilt the second I'm done
It's heavy in my stomach and I can't move
Until I lean over the toilet and purge the food.

Ana and Mia are my best friends
They'll stick with this fat girl till the end.
Ana and Mia are my diet plan
My throat is burning but at least I'll be thin.

"Nadia"
"Hope," it means.
"Beautiful," they say.
"Kind," she is.
"Caring," they are.

"Nadia."
She is the ever-hopeful,
The triply beautiful,
The very kindhearted,
The infinitely caring.

"Nadia"'s.
They are the unendingly positive,
The unfairly lovely,
The unduly affable,
The unfailingly kind.

"Nadia," oh, how she shines
So brightly, so comfortingly.
"Nadia," oh, how she loves
Without judgement or favor.
But I am not "Nadia."

I am Nadia.

My lips are moving but my brain is not
I've got my smile handy, I'll never be caught
I'm nervous but it'll never show on my face
I'll pretend I fit, I belong in this place.

My hands aren't clammy, I don't have a stutter
My voice is steady though my legs are rubber
I'm sitting down, no one gets to see
I'm nervous, I'm unsure, but I can fake happy.

I'm an actor, a professional, I'm perfect at what I do
I'm smiling, I'm laughing, but, god, how I hate you.
I fly through moods as though it's my sole purpose
I go by an alias so no one knows I wrote this.

I'm nervous, I'm nervous, I'm ******* terrified
But far be it from me to be typically traumatized
I'm a 'survivor', I'm doing just fine, I'm not panicking
I'll never display the bad moments publicly.

I once said I'd die before I let it happen again.
I'm different now, I'm better than that.
I once said I'd die before I let it happen again
I'm a survivor, **** that, I'll fight back.

Don't touch me.
Don't talk to me, don't touch me
I hate you, I can't stand you
Stay the **** away from me.

I'd ******* **** to never be unsafe again.
I'd rip a man limb from limb.

I have a bag packed, I could run at any moment
I have a weapon, a motive, a reason
I have the unadulterated power of pure terror
I do and will mean as I've said, "Never. Again."

Am I not your cup of tea?
Did I add a teaspoon too much insanity?
Does your mouth twist at the taste of me?
Am I not your cup of tea?

Or do I fit you perfectly?
When you see the crazy,
Do you drink deeply?
Am I your perfect cup of tea?

Am I far too bitter?
Can you even taste the sweet?
Did I add too much hurt,
To be your perfect cup of tea?

Or maybe you take your tea black.
Maybe I'm just right.
Maybe you sip and savor
Maybe I'm just the right kind.

Am I not your cup of tea?
Did I steep too much of me?
Were the additives too sweet
To be your perfect cup of tea?

I never quite understood the worth of tact
Say the words that you mean and don't take them back.
I spoke my mind when I saw it fit to be told
And I may not have been rude but I was always bold.

But here I am biting the tip of my tongue off
Wondering, if I speak, will your laughter stop?
I regret my words and I regret my silence equally
I wonder if you've had enough, are your sick of me?

I never considered that I maybe go too far
I teased too much, laughed a little too hard.
I remember how happy you used to be
I see how that's changed in my company.

I'd like to apologize for being too serious
It's not odd to me, I've always been a mess.
I am sorry for forcing you to be part of a team
I never intended to hurt you despite how it may seem.

I am a nuisance, forgive me this, I tried to hide it
I am shrill and annoying, more than you should put up with.
I am a child masquerading as an adult; I know I'm failing
I am disloyal and filthy- ****, really- I've thought of bailing.

I'm sorry. I hate this. I hate me. I'm not quite sure what I'm living for. I miss being sad for reasons I could understand and fix. I miss October of 2014. If I could go back, I'd have more courage. I'm a **** for thinking that. I'm sorry you met me, I will ******* up. I'm sorry. I'm honestly the worst. So conceited and self interested and superficial and petty and spiteful and ******. I hope you don't hate me in the end. I hope you. I don't know. I hope.

Oh no!
What have I done?
This is madness,
And it's only just begun.
Quick, abort the mission!
Before it's far too late!
How could I end up liking,
A girl that's obviously straight?
She's not homophobic
But she wouldn't accept me
Oh no, oh no, oh no
I've got to set myself free!
Even if I have to lie to my brain
I've got to pull back these reins!

She's not pretty!
Oh yes she is
She's not nice!
Is that what you're trying to fool me with?
She's chubby!
So are you sweetie, and we both know she's not
She's a real ****!
That arguments' already been shot
She's short!
You don't seem to care
She's not my type!
Now, who are you trying to fool here?
Her hair's too long!
Now you're just grasping at straws
Her morals are all wrong!
Aren't those your flaws?

I've tried my best
But I know it's not true
My brain is quite smart
Aw, sweetie, thank you
I'm not going to get rid of this
The way I normally do
It seems this crush is a bit stuck
This isn't just a crush dear, get a clue
So I suppose I may panic,
Because this situation blows.
And in case I've not said it enough-
Oh no, oh no, oh no!

I thought I'd found it
Found you
Found the one.

You fit me
Completed me
Like the moon and the sun.

But you wanted more
Wasn't content
Couldn't be satisfied.

And I hated that
Hated you
And your useless lies.

See, we could have ruled the world
I made a spot in my plan for you
I could have had one of everything
You could have had it too.

Doll, I never quite wanted to break someone
As much as I wanted to put them together
And, no, you didn't manage to hurt me
But you've got me more than bitter.

I wasn't good enough
But here's one last huzzah; we tried
Because you don't get what you did
But here's one last hurrah and goodbye.

I am bleeding but not dying
I want to go but am not trying
I'm reaching but not flying
I'm screaming but not lying.

I feel something bitter at the back of my tongue when I see them
We both know I am tethered here now, will do nothing, am bound.
But jealousy burns in my chest like bile and hisses, demands to know when
We both know I have no answer, no timeline for my touchdown.

You think I won't, you know it, I've been here so long
You think I care about a promise whispered in a heartbeat.
I want to rip out my esophagus and wind it round my lungs
I want to peel back my skin, carefully separate my veins, and bleed.

What am I doing here?

I cannot, will not, I refuse to live.

Yet here I am without you
Breathing.
Smiling.
Speaking.
Working.

I hate it.

If you knew where you were going, why didn't you invite me?
I would follow you wherever you said you wanted to go.
Instead I sit on empty promises and hang onto life and my mother's pleas.
I will tear apart my mind and body and bury myself in winter's first snow.

I am not okay.
You are not here.
I am not there.

I cannot fly.






Help.

You asked a question
And I gave a response
Not complicated at all
Yet you took so long

You came back again
Almost passed by
And asked me again
Just to "clarify"

I'm sick of waiting
I'm ready to leave
But you bring my reward
So I keep my peace

Until I realize
What's in front of me
I am more than furious
I ordered a number three.

It didn't start out as a suicide attempt
But one cut after five too many
Death didn't look so scary.

It didn't start out as a suicide attempt
But twelve cuts in and the blood dripping down
Felt oddly akin to catharsis.

It didn't start out as a suicide attempt
But by the time help came-- far too early to be late--
Life's continuation seemed akin to regret.

In the loud silence
There is a fine mess
Where a girl, a little pregnant
Is trying to act naturally

She an adult child
Absolutely unsure of what she's done
For an advanced beginner in parenthood
She's doing awfully good

Anxiously she patiently waits
As the amateur expert checks
Is she almost safe
Or is she almost pregnant?

It chills like fire
It burns like ice
It's dark like day
And so bright like night
It's an oxymoron
That makes paradoxical sense
It's a pseudo-pseudonym
Filled with disguise, thick and dense
And it's become a fine mess
In the years I've been gone
The acute dullness
Of the field seems so wrong
But the change is the same
And the routine is ever-changing
And this name has no name
As we look for what we can't see

I wake as your  friend                                     You wake as my lover
I speak as your lover                                       You speak as my friend
I act as your possession                                   You are my possesion
I rebel as your cover                                        A means to an end
I hurt for your compassion                             You live for my acceptance
I injure for your respect                                  Though it's never been withheld
I confide for your emotion                              You crave my direction
I give and you collect                                      Never will you rebel

This is madness                                               This is Sparta
This is insanity                                                This is the price of exellence
I can't be everything for you                          I am your everything
You can't be everything for me                     I am magnificence
You treat everyone the same                         I am fair and righteous
As a friend, yet as a lover                              And yet you seek more
And it's a cruel, cruel game                          Dare you grow capricious
From your twisted love, no one recovers     You'll become one I abhor

I am done                                                       You are confused
(I am never done)                                          And I will not calm you
I am sick                                                        As I am amused
(But I'm not tired)                                         As I drop little clues  
I will run                                                        You'l­l never leave me
(I won't run)                                                  But I'll abandon you
Because I love you                                        You'll always need me
(A better word is 'desire')                             And I'll never need you

Let me go!                                                    My grip is vice-like
(But you're not holding me)                       I'm not ready to let you go
Bring me back!                                            If I lose you, 'my dear'
(But I never left)                                          I must find yet another 'beau'
Love me only!                                             And I've not the time to put effort
(But you love equally)                               In little minions like you
Push me away!                                          I've not a care to give for
(Or bridge this rift)                                    You insects I never knew

Please, disappear                                       I am your torture
One day you'll understand                      But I am your salvation
That the twisted way you love                 I am your executioner
Could coax death from any human        And I am your redemption
Please, disappear!                                     You'll wish me dead forever
Though I'll weep when you're gone        You'll wish me dead I know
I know sanity will return                          And you'll wish yourself deader
And I'll eventually move on.                    *When away I finally go.

It's unwarranted; I know everything is fine.
                                   stop checking and they'll stab you from behind
It's my personality; I'm inclined to mistrust.
                                           just when you feel safe it'll crumble to dust
Just because it's happened before...
                                          only fools don't listen when they're warned
I'm happy now, I'm just looking for a penance.
                                         with good comes bad; there must be balance


I'll talk to the therapist, he'll know what's wrong
                                      aren't you afraid he's just leading you along?
He's there to help when I'm feeling stranded at sea!
                               of course, and foremost, he's there for the money
I've never thought any of this, I'm not the kind
                                     yes you have, it's all at the back of your mind
I just want to know why I'm thinking these things again.
                             just like the last time, it's the beginning of the end

I'm talking to myself, I've lost my ******* mind.
                                               we already had this discussion last time
I'm actually sitting here poisoning my own brain.
                                            Or, maybe, you're saving your life. again.
I'm listening to paranoia like I haven't already dealt with it.
                           boxing it, me, up doesn't count as dealing with ****
........I'm scared.
                                                and that, exactly, is why we're still here

I'm safe here, I'm just fooling myself, right?
                    absolutely, but i'd check every door three times a night
If no one can get in, I'm totally safe.
                              well, there's the people already inside this place...
My mom would never lay a hand on me.
                   of course not; nor would your brother, so option three...
This is ridiculous. The stupidest thing I've thought yet.
                         that's what everyone says right up till the first threat

I'm not going to deal with this.
                                                          tha­t's fine; you'll be sorely missed
I'm grasping at straws and it's pitiful
                                                         ­  or perhaps, **** near insightful
I'm going to sleep, I'm stronger than this nonsense
                                   but you sleep so deeply, where's your defense?
I hate this. I hate this. Why am I thinking this ****?
                       *it's because you're right, you are, you ******* know it