I almost drove 10 hours
To see your droopy tired eyes
To caress your soft and perfect hair
And to lay your head upon my thighs

I almost drove 10 hours
So I could drown in your perfect smile
And to see those eyes light up
Becuase you haven't seen me in awhile

I almost drove 10 hours
So we could be side by side
But you sorely begged me not to
So I sat in my room and cried

My life was fine and I was happy
And then you showed up
And everything went abrupt

You made me laugh until my face went numb
My problems you held like a forceful gun
I soon discovered an emotion I'd never felt
And you ripped it away from my fragile heart

My eyes once glowed like the stars beaming bright
But now they're filled with the sea spilling out
It's true you listened and that is no doubt
But you showed no remorse and simply threw me about

For so long I clung to you, scared of the world around
And now I'm sitting in my room unable to move about
In fear of being alone

I thought I was broke
And you would make me whole
But I didn't realize you tore me one by one
Into pieces I lost, long ago with my smile

I cried every day
And forced you to keep me together
But little did I know that you couldn't find me either
Gave up on my life and lusted for me rather

I thought that it was love
But it was too late when I found out
That you were the one to hide my pieces
And wrote love on each end
To make me think that it was okay to be used over and over again

I hate to be your heartbreak
But that's the only outcome I can see
For I've given up on trying to be free
Free from the sorrow and pain
It all just comes back and haunting
Like a nasty stubborn stain

I finally said no
To a man yearning for my body
And I felt relief and overjoyed
That I overcame the need to please
But also a hint of sadness
Because it took me so long to claim my body

I heard the door bell
But ignored the ring
I went about my day
I thought I could enjoy the little things
My dogs basking in the sun
I played my favorite games
The door bell kept ringing
Yeah it was a little annoying
But I ignored it for the most part
Slept through the night
And did it over again

The rings turned into knocks
I played my games but was a little distracted
My dogs were still adorable and I hugged them tight
I laid in bed, took me awhile to sleep because there were still knocks at my door

A year goes by
And I've tuned out the knocks for the most part
I was still enjoying my games for the most part
My dogs energy was still entrancing me..for the most part

One day the knocks became bangs
BANG, BANG
was all I could hear at my door
My games weren't fun anymore
My dogs whined at my feet
Sleeping at first was hard
But eventually became easy
For it was the only way to escape the noise

Death seeps through the ink of your pen
Here we are again
Your brain reeks of madness
Damaged remains
Inches away from the ground
That's where I'll be found

It’s not that I don’t think about you anymore
Because I do
You’re always in the back of my head

But I don’t sulk over you
I don’t cry because of you
I don’t laugh anymore when I talk to you

I’m so glad you’re gone
Or maybe just not present as much anymore
It’s such a relief

It was painful at first
Just the thought without you made me feel alone
I thought I’d always feel this way

And then a miracle happened
He came into my life
He helped me push you away, whether he knew it or not

He helped me stand my ground
I can see so much clearer
And he holds me when I cry

Unlike you when I felt like I should die

When you see my face you’ll see joy and happiness
But when you look into my eyes you’ll see the pain and misery
My thoughts aren’t accurate with the words that I speak
But your mind isn’t concentrated on how I’m so weak

Though I say I’m alright
I’m happy
I’m fine
On the inside, I’m hurting
I’m crying
I’m yelling

You do yes I know, I know you do care
But I can’t reveal myself, for you may glare
The cuts and the tears, they aren’t ever shown
And the misery is hidden and never aglow

My happiness is yours, I reflect and I stare
My feelings are nothing
And you couldn’t bear
The life that I live
So silently away
I love and I live
I lose and I gain

But this isn’t me
I’ll never be the same
My losses seem more
More than I’ve gained
And here I am smiling with old old pain
I’ve loved and I’ve lived
I’ve lost and I’ve gained

My smile is staying
For that’s what you like
But at the end of the day
I’ll go in my room
I’ll curl and cry and I may cut too

Though I say it’s okay
I’m not sad
I’m no mad
I do indeed love you
But I need someone too

I think I’m prone to sadness
The everlasting hole
For when I find my smile
I feel different in my soul

I’ll watch the tree roots struggle as they try to find their place
And wonder of the sorrow when a butterfly sticks to a leaf
This emotion is exhausting, I can’t keep pace
Because like that butterfly I want to feel relief

For joy is something so hard to fuel
And depression is easy
I want to be happy
And the tears make me queasy

But my laugh slips through my fingers
When I’m alone and without a soul
So I stick to what I know well
And that is staying in this hole

Have you ever been so lonely
Lost in the woods
But terrified to turn back
Because you know where you came from
The darkness is unbearable
Yet you hold yourself to the floor
Saying
Don’t give up…
Don’t give up…

Welcome to my room
Where sadness blooms into hatred
And your thoughts beat you to the floor
There's a place to sit
So you can cry
Or maybe you'd prefer to lie
There are so many options
And don't forget the bathroom
It has an endless supply
For instance you could watch yourself bleed
Oh my room is so welcoming
With every self loathing thought
I've spent so much time here
I'm destined to rot

It used to rain when I looked out your car window
you'd tell me it's obvious
The raindrops stain the pane
No real reason
Just started pouring
You grew tired of the sound
Listening to it patter on your car
Told me we'd stop and go somewhere
And you left me there
Soaking in the water
To figure it out

And I did
When I look out the car window
I don't see rain
I don't even hear it
All I see is a field
Lushes and green
As bright as the sun
There aren't drops anywhere
Just smiles and laughter
And I don't see you

Your last breath was painful
You spat out so much hatred
Laid down all your guilt

It was a rainy day
But the sun dried out your lips
You yelled until you coughed up ashes

Not sure of what you had become
Change was impossible
So many attempts, yet no success

Such a ****** up shard
Grabbed yourself
Then bled

You watched me slice my heart open
Rip my lungs into pieces
Tore my way into my brain
So I wouldn't feel the pain

And you sat there watching
Lighting the fire to burn me
There's nothing to show
No one will ever know

How'd you figure out I was a *****?
You couldn't have simply opened the door.
I've scrubbed my insides clean,
And buried every scene.
Yet, you discovered the spot
In my deep plot,
And made me no more.

Follow me down the path
Of ugly suicide
Ugly is redundant
But some will call it beauty

How is their beauty in ending your life
Rope burns around your neck
Or ****** slit wrists
Cut the point that only mattered

Where's the beauty of a cold body
Limp on the floor
Found pale and alone
The only way to show how they felt

Suicide is a solution for some
The only way to leave the nasty voices
Haunting their mind

A world full of sorrowful delicacy
Butterflies in the air
Suffocating in beauty
Sweet attachments
My teeth ache immensely

Love is taking over my mind
Where to begin
Drowning in oceans of tears
Sky's full of fears
Mountains moved
Trees swayed
Yet nothings changed

I don't think I'm ever going to be enough for you
I'm not going to be what you truly want
Maybe you think you love me because I was the first girl to really catch your eye
But I'm not going to be the only one
I have problems you want to fix
But that's not your job, it's mine
I would be lying if I said you didn't help me pick my head up, you did
But you can't fix me 100%
That's my job, I have no clue how
But you've helped me figure things out
I don't think I'm good for you, I'm an unhealthy addiction
You probably don't see it now
But you'll realize I'm not the only pearl in the sea
You just settled with the first one you found and in reality, my clam is empty
I'm toxic

I wish I knew that I was going to fall in love
Because I would have stopped myself from the start
Dropped my heart
And never looked back

Instead I'm gasping for air
Trying to find an ounce of love
From your cold hearted demeanor
And crying from the pain you've brought me

I'm in love with guys
Who will never love me
One who treats me like trash
The other who tells me I'm a queen
But no matter what I do
Neither want me
So neither do I

I grasp for the air
Trying to catch it

Choking on my tears
As they race down my face

Leaving skid marks on my cheeks
Heading towards the end

They call this place cold
The unknown

Some say this is peaceful
Because being alive is suffering

I'm depressed
But you don't care
I will scream for help
From anyone around here
You'll shift around
Because it makes you uncomfortable
Then laugh it off
So I'll do the same
Then one day
You'll wonder what went wrong
How I never once seemed unhappy
You'll write on my wall
Then share a post about suicide
You know the one
Where you pretend to care after I've died

You make my heart pound
It could fuel our getaway
Let's drive out until the car hits E
No destination
We'll take any road you please

My hand in yours is all I need
Baby just you and me

It's nice to have that security
But what happens when it slips
That one person who loves you
Pulls away
No longer showered by their affection

Then what do you do?
Because I'm not loving you anymore
Not the way you expect me to
I'm leaving that fantasy behind
No longer bound by your sympathy

You lay awake
Head on the pillow
Feeling anything but mellow
Where do you go
When you’re all alone

Thoughts pouring down
Patter harshly on your brain
Asking why you have to be
The person that they see

You told me you loved me
I never felt more happy
Our smiles gave light to the world
Feeding your garden

Then when I opened my eyes
I could only see your silhouette
Stomping on my flowers
Away from a dream

That I wasn't sure who belonged to anymore

I've thought about it for some time now
And it isn't your fault
Or anyone in particular

This is all mine
I could never find happiness in myself
A typical sad story
Of a girl who died

It's difficult for me to write this
Only because I know you'll cry
I was hoping my tears were enough
Enough to take place of yours

But now I know that isn't possible
I hope that when you mourn
You don't think of the bad
Fill your mind with more

I want you to remember my smile
How you always saw me wearing it
Please, forget the thing
That stained my face

You were the only one in this world
To bring me a sense of comfort
I know I drove you crazy
I could be unbearably clingy

There is no doubt my suffering
Also fueled yours
I apologize for that
It was a terrible habit to cry

There is a memory
I hope it floats in your mind
On days you don't feel sane
After I'm gone

The waves nip at my ankles

Filling my scars with its salty water

Burning me down into the ground

You told me
About the time you tripped
You fell so hard
That when you got back up
You were never the same

Welcome to my amusement park
There are many thrilling rides
Have some over priced food
Throw up where you like
Toss your trash on any path
Curse at my long lines
Don't worry about the mess
That's what I am for
So run along
And exhaust everything you can

He kissed me like he loved me
Like he thought it would make the pain go away

I am sad
And when that happens
I think I need pain
The kind that can scar
The scars you can see
They may bleed
But that's how I stop being sad

Little daisy in the field
I have not met you
But I can't wait for the beauty you will bring

A fragile petal
Rests upon our finger tips
Careful now
Hold it with love
And do not shatter it

Do you not understand
Anything that you are doing?
Many things have been said
Of all of them
None will hurt more than your silence

Do you remember when we first met
I drank so much I couldn't recall
The next day you messaged me
Telling me it's okay to be sad
And from there we clicked
Addicted to the very thing that made me forget

Acted like we didn't have a clue
When we were in a group
With that orange haired chick and the laughing one too
It was a fun secret
The one I didn't mind getting caught hiding

And when you pulled back
Told me everything was painful
I held you close
Even when you pushed away
But when I did the same
You told me
"Ok then"
And I didn't know who to blame

How difficult it can be to write poetry
When your mind is so numb

To find a spot in this world can be hard

I've wandered the forest for so long
Searching for a place where I'd belong
And it can be a painful journey
At times I've felt like I could join the butterflies
But they flew to a height I couldn't reach
I turned to the soil
Where the worms might be more welcoming
But they dug into the dirt
Making it hard to find a trace

I found the wasps and thought their stingers were beauty
But they were not very kindly
I wonder if I will ever find my place
It seems unlikely