There isn't anything

Some times I wish this alcohol would end me
So I wouldn't have to worry about that time
That I almost did it myself
And how I wish
I would have followed through

Hot streak of success
Turns into
The worst week of distress

Shame lingers on my body
Causing me to wonder
About who actually knows
And who
Really doesn't care
That I have these scars

I put so much worth in my smile
It rarely appears
Packed out of sight
Afraid others would grow tired of it
Eventually it was lost
Or maybe just broken

All you want are my thighs
Every night they cry
But you don't care about the signs
If you looked closely you'd see the indentions
From something that had no prevention
But I know you are all the same
A ****
Who just wants to...

This unconditional sadness eats at me
Some days the way I dress takes a toll on me
Others my hair brings me to despair

But then there are weeks where I feel
Empty
Miserable in my doubt
Yet

I wish that I could cut through this emptiness
Watch it spill over my body
Down in the drain
Leaving nothing
But a stain
Of my happiness

This unconditional saddness is unbearable
But I do not know how to stop it

I lose my value
In men who I trust
A shimmer of compassion is all it takes
And then I drown

Waiting

For months to hear
"How I've missed you!"
And for months there was silence
Until I was the one to give in
And what I realized
When I messaged you
That you are a waste of time

I wish I could wipe away
The feeling that I can't explain

I've laid there
Trying to write
How I feel

Except there may be no words
That can describe the way

I drunk messaged him
Told him I love him
In response to my plea
He told me it wasn't a good time
It was a constant cycle

To be broken
From this thing
That woke me up

Can't think of a thing
That will  make you know the thing

Every year I try to be
The better version
Of myself you see
But every year I fail at the
And end up laying
Unknown how to be

When the clock ticks 10
I have no zen
There isn't a feeling
That exists

When the clock ticks 10
I reach for the pen

I'm empty inside

I'm happy for you
Not sad for me

There is a vein in my wrist
Begging to be sliced
And what will come out is not blood
But my suffering

I've waited for years
To cross the finish line
Finally broke the ribbon
But am I supposed to be happy?
Because last night I cried red

You've trapped me in your embrace
Closed me off from the world
Told me it's better this way
No one can ever hurt you
If no one is ever around

Someone loves you
sOmeone loves you
soMeone loves you
somEone loves you
someOne loves you
someoNe loves you
someonE loves you

One time my mother told me she hated my hair
She never actually said those words but it was in her stare
Another time she told me that my piercings reek of dispair
She didn't say it
But I felt it in the air

Then I realized that these feelings were false
projected thoughts
Onto a mom
Who felt nothing but love and empathy
For her self hating child

What would you do if a boy who meant so much told you that you were a ****?
What would you do if he harassed you for nudes day in and day out but played it as a joke?
What would you do if you were falling and knew he was no good but tortured yourself for being a *****?
What would you do if you were drowning in tears while being stabbed with a knife, telling you it's your fault, you're no good?
Why would he tell me he adores me but he hates the way I walk?
Why would he show me his colors but color me black?
What would you do if you stood up for yourself and someone spat in your face to sit your *** down?

Do you watch for shooting stars
Hope they'll grant your very wish

Do you throw pennies in the fountain
Wishing for your desires

What about dreaming on 11:11
Desiring good to come in life

Would you deem me odd
For not talking to the air
Asking for it to change me

Baby, you’re not a million dollars
If you were then you wouldn’t be mine
You’d be in the stores I've visited
The restaurants I ate at
You’d be tucked away in a safe place for no one to marvel at

No, you’re more than that
You’re not money
Money has no meaning compared to you
You’re the stars in the sky
The air I breathe
You’re a wonderful piece

If I could choose between you and a million bucks
I wouldn’t hesitate on my choice
Money can buy me an ear
But you’re always here
Money can buy me comfort
But you’re who brings me happiness
There’s no comparing

I want to show you off to the world
and then hold you close
Money I can flaunt
and then it’s gone for someone else
But you I can keep
And I wouldn’t give you away for things
I don’t want anyone to have you
Because you’re mine

The first was when you punched me in the heart
Told me to try and understand
That my bruised heart MIGHT heal

The second was when you hit a vein
The blood stained the bathroom floor
And you were quick to clean up the mess
Apologized me back to life

The third time you killed me in my closet
I was drowning in my tears
Fears devoured my mind
I was sure there was no coming back
But you surprised my heart and it leapt for you

But you weren't done
You decided you wanted me dead again
The fourth was more personal
You watched me this time
No call
No distance
This time you did it in person and it was painful
You watched me suffer
You tried to ease the pain
I couldn't even pretend to be alive

Please don't try to bring me back
There's no use
You shot me in my heart this time

I was happily in love
Soaking in your smile through a window
I couldn't imagine being in a happier place
But I tend to ask the questions I know I'll hate the answer to
And right away I did and then the glass broke in to shards
I was bleeding out but you told me it'd be alright
Maybe there'd be a way to clean up the mess
And so I hid my wounds

The second time was painful
We had our differences
And that really stuck a wall in between us
You killed me on the phone
Told me it's not you but it's me
I don't understand the bi community
How is it possible to enjoy anything
When I'm stuck in this --
But before you could breathe your last word
You realized what you had said
Took it all back and we cried together
It was magical and it kept my hope going
Clouded my mind and forced me to forget the horrid things I just heard

The third time was my fault
I was in pain from our lack of lust
No communication was happening and i was losing trust
So I called on the phone
And you were alone
Talked of my fears
It had me in tears
You said what I thought
And it was getting really hot
We hung up cuz you had class
And I fell on my ***
But
Later I rang in the closet
And my eyes were a faucet
You made a surprise visit
And that was it
My heart leapt
And it you kept

The last time was painful
Not only did we meet but it was unexpected
This time there was no phone to shield you
No speaker to talk through
You looked me in my eyes
Pointed a gun at my heart
But caressed my face
Told me it'd be okay
Then pulled the trigger