I finally said no
To a man yearning for my body
And I felt relief and overjoyed
That I overcame the need to please
But also a hint of sadness
Because it took me so long to claim my body

I've waited for years
To cross the finish line
Finally broke the ribbon
But am I supposed to be happy?
Because last night I cried red

I'm happy for you
Not sad for me

When the clock ticks 10
I have no zen
There isn't a feeling
That exists

When the clock ticks 10
I reach for the pen

I'm empty inside

Every year I try to be
The better version
Of myself you see
But every year I fail at the
And end up laying
Unknown how to be

Can't think of a thing
That will  make you know the thing

I drunk messaged him
Told him I love him
In response to my plea
He told me it wasn't a good time
It was a constant cycle

To be broken
From this thing
That woke me up

I wish I could wipe away
The feeling that I can't explain

I've laid there
Trying to write
How I feel

Except there may be no words
That can describe the way

I lose my value
In men who I trust
A shimmer of compassion is all it takes
And then I drown

Waiting

For months to hear
"How I've missed you!"
And for months there was silence
Until I was the one to give in
And what I realized
When I messaged you
That you are a waste of time

All you want are my thighs
Every night they cry
But you don't care about the signs
If you looked closely you'd see the indentions
From something that had no prevention
But I know you are all the same
A ****
Who just wants to...

I put so much worth in my smile
It rarely appears
Packed out of sight
Afraid others would grow tired of it
Eventually it was lost
Or maybe just broken

Shame lingers on my body
Causing me to wonder
About who actually knows
And who
Really doesn't care
That I have these scars

Hot streak of success
Turns into
The worst week of distress

Some times I wish this alcohol would end me
So I wouldn't have to worry about that time
That I almost did it myself
And how I wish
I would have followed through

There isn't anything

How difficult it can be to write poetry
When your mind is so numb

Do you remember when we first met
I drank so much I couldn't recall
The next day you messaged me
Telling me it's okay to be sad
And from there we clicked
Addicted to the very thing that made me forget

Acted like we didn't have a clue
When we were in a group
With that orange haired chick and the laughing one too
It was a fun secret
The one I didn't mind getting caught hiding

And when you pulled back
Told me everything was painful
I held you close
Even when you pushed away
But when I did the same
You told me
"Ok then"
And I didn't know who to blame

Do you not understand
Anything that you are doing?
Many things have been said
Of all of them
None will hurt more than your silence

Little daisy in the field
I have not met you
But I can't wait for the beauty you will bring

A fragile petal
Rests upon our finger tips
Careful now
Hold it with love
And do not shatter it

I am sad
And when that happens
I think I need pain
The kind that can scar
The scars you can see
They may bleed
But that's how I stop being sad

He kissed me like he loved me
Like he thought it would make the pain go away

Welcome to my amusement park
There are many thrilling rides
Have some over priced food
Throw up where you like
Toss your trash on any path
Curse at my long lines
Don't worry about the mess
That's what I am for
So run along
And exhaust everything you can

You told me
About the time you tripped
You fell so hard
That when you got back up
You were never the same

I've thought about it for some time now
And it isn't your fault
Or anyone in particular

This is all mine
I could never find happiness in myself
A typical sad story
Of a girl who died

It's difficult for me to write this
Only because I know you'll cry
I was hoping my tears were enough
Enough to take place of yours

But now I know that isn't possible
I hope that when you mourn
You don't think of the bad
Fill your mind with more

I want you to remember my smile
How you always saw me wearing it
Please, forget the thing
That stained my face

You were the only one in this world
To bring me a sense of comfort
I know I drove you crazy
I could be unbearably clingy

There is no doubt my suffering
Also fueled yours
I apologize for that
It was a terrible habit to cry

There is a memory
I hope it floats in your mind
On days you don't feel sane
After I'm gone

You told me you loved me
I never felt more happy
Our smiles gave light to the world
Feeding your garden

Then when I opened my eyes
I could only see your silhouette
Stomping on my flowers
Away from a dream

That I wasn't sure who belonged to anymore

You lay awake
Head on the pillow
Feeling anything but mellow
Where do you go
When you’re all alone

Thoughts pouring down
Patter harshly on your brain
Asking why you have to be
The person that they see

It's nice to have that security
But what happens when it slips
That one person who loves you
Pulls away
No longer showered by their affection

Then what do you do?
Because I'm not loving you anymore
Not the way you expect me to
I'm leaving that fantasy behind
No longer bound by your sympathy

You make my heart pound
It could fuel our getaway
Let's drive out until the car hits E
No destination
We'll take any road you please

My hand in yours is all I need
Baby just you and me

I'm depressed
But you don't care
I will scream for help
From anyone around here
You'll shift around
Because it makes you uncomfortable
Then laugh it off
So I'll do the same
Then one day
You'll wonder what went wrong
How I never once seemed unhappy
You'll write on my wall
Then share a post about suicide
You know the one
Where you pretend to care after I've died

I grasp for the air
Trying to catch it

Choking on my tears
As they race down my face

Leaving skid marks on my cheeks
Heading towards the end

They call this place cold
The unknown

Some say this is peaceful
Because being alive is suffering

I'm in love with guys
Who will never love me
One who treats me like trash
The other who tells me I'm a queen
But no matter what I do
Neither want me
So neither do I

One time my mother told me she hated my hair
She never actually said those words but it was in her stare
Another time she told me that my piercings reek of dispair
She didn't say it
But I felt it in the air

Then I realized that these feelings were false
projected thoughts
Onto a mom
Who felt nothing but love and empathy
For her self hating child