Honestly,
people have been telling me my whole life about **** I'm going to have to do.
Exercise, eat right, good grades,
hard work.
And you may call it weak or cowardly, (though, I do prefer the term loophole),  but I gave up a long time ago on doing any of it.

I gave up on life, and I've never felt more free.

I woke up with your name on my tongue
Dreaming about you once again, I guess
I still hope it's you whenever the phone
rings
But that's just another fantasy I can't
fathom into reality

I needed you today
Well, everyday, but today especially.

But you weren't there today, were you?
Well, everyday, but today especially

It's always the same story and I keep
trying to reinvent the ending because
I thought I was the reason you showed
up?

I should've known from the first lie
That you would never be mine

Someone like me doesn't deserve someone like you and you can interpret that how you will

So go. Don't show up.
Go and believe me when I say I'm fine because I know you don't care today.

Well, everyday, but today especially.

I killed myself long ago
I kicked the chair, swallowed the
pill, slit my wrist and pulled the trigger
all at once
Then
for good measure
I led my ghost to the water with rocks in its pocket
And yet I'm still here

I cracked under pressure a while back
I let my madness show and scared
everyone half to death
Then
for good measure
I jumped off the cliff of sanity into my insane descent
And yet I'm still here

Something held me back.
I think something held me up, flushed
the chemicals, stitched my skin and
jammed the gun all at once.
And then
for good measure
went insane with me

But that something was a someone.
A someone who did all of it without knowing
Without knowing their smile
could lift my day, hold me up and give
me hope all at once
And then
for good measure
leave me with fading scent of their ****** perfection
Lest we forget, you're still here

Is it a coincidence?
I think not.
It's not just one of those serendipitous happenings where both times we meet are budding from me ******* up.

I may be staring intently at something that isn't there
but I believe it's a sign just as much as the one you always ignored at the intersection.

Me ******* up equals me seeing you.

It's not a perfect formula but I'm still working out the kinks
God, you know how I love math
I'm probably just grasping at something and anything that means I can be with you for just one more instant

I know you see what I'm doing here
And I thank you for playing along
Do whatever you will
Just don't correct me when I'm wrong

I'm trying to **** up

We're just a bunch of ****** up teenagers

living in a ****** up society

and people wonder why we're all

hitting the self-destruct button

I remember we used to play Kick the Cactus until we realized...
                
                  *****, this hurts

I really wish we were better
I wish we were the scenarios that I never stop creating
Because all this time I kept telling myself we would be so perfect
And yet it's been 10 months and I still can't seem to construct a logical sentence around you.

I really am witty and capable of speaking, trust me
It's just when you enter my vicinity you take all my words and smart-*** remarks away
All I can focus on is how beautiful you are and the fallacy of my ever growing affection for you

So I understand why you don't talk to me and
I don't blame you for wanting someone else

I thought I could get better over time but obviously that isn't the case
I'll just remain worth this strip of duct tape over my face