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Apr 2021 · 121
Note to self
Marya123 Apr 2021
It may seem hard, and even impossible at first, and you don't know if there will be an end to this pain. And it IS hard, difficult, frustrating and annoying. That's how you know the path is worth travelling. But the only way you find out whether you heal, is by trying. By trying, failing, giving up, and trying again. By taking that first, second, fourteenth or hundredth step. By giving it your all. If getting through this is important to you, some way, some day, you can do this. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know you can. You are good, and worth having in this world- it will not be the same without you. No matter how strongly you feel otherwise- there are people out there who love you and have been illuminated by your light- not because it shined any brighter or differently- but because it was there, and it made a difference. It doesn't matter if they know or realize that. You need to know that. You make a difference, by being here. Those fears and demons in your head- they are there to remind you that there is good worth fighting for, and that there is a heaven, a paradise that you need to get to through them. You deserve a life without the trauma, without the past ruling you. Listen, let them be- but don't let them consume you. They are not you- they are remnants of a forgotten time, a forgotten self, a past self, habits and routines that need to be forgotten. And in time, through hard work, they will lose their hold, and you will have new habits, routines, people, a new you to rely on. Believe in that. You are whole, no matter how broken you may feel right now. You are whole.
Mar 2021 · 201
Angel
Marya123 Mar 2021
Love me at my darkest
Love me in my sorrow
Love me at my weakest,
When it is your strength I borrow.

Love me when I don't want you,
Love me when I feel hollow
Love me at the end of all hope
When in your grace, I'll follow.
Mar 2021 · 171
Don't ask me how I'm doing
Marya123 Mar 2021
Don't ask me how I'm doing
If you aren't ready to hear what I have to say
Do you really want to know
How I struggle to breathe, to wake up every day?
Do you really want to listen
To how I have to pretend, how hard it is to smile,
Do you really want to understand
Or would you like pretty lies for a while?
So here you go:

"I'm doing well, I've had a great year
I haven't cried myself to sleep, or wept in the shower
I haven't thought of ending it, or running away
My thoughts don't plague me every week, every hour
I'm not homesick, I'm not lonely, I'm not sad
I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, I want to live
I love my job, I love my life, I love myself
I am worthy, I am useful, I have so much to give."
Mar 2021 · 198
Unlike a fish in water
Marya123 Mar 2021
And the world tells me to swim
Swim till my heart gives out
All I can do is drown in pain
I'm underwater, awash in doubt.
"Help me", I long to say
"I cannot breathe, I want to live"
No one hears these unspoken words
I'm dead, dying, with nothing to give.
Feb 2021 · 118
Melodrama
Marya123 Feb 2021
All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players;
Acting to the best of their ability
As they pretend, pretend, pretend
That everything's fine, that it always will be
Through tempests of unrelenting storms
Because the show must, it must go on.
Whatever would happen
If it had to stop?
The theatre crumbling out of existence?
What would they do, who would they be,
Where would they go
If they could not act anymore?
Feb 2021 · 109
twinkle
Marya123 Feb 2021
Billions of stars in the galaxy
Would anyone notice
If one stopped shining,
Winking out of existence?
Jan 2021 · 106
Untitled
Marya123 Jan 2021
Hi to everyone reading this.
I just needed to write this after a particularly depressing day with the thoughts in my head, and because I feel so lonely, and this is, I hope, a safe space to express that.
It's been years since I went home, and I can't go now because of travel restrictions during this **** pandemic, I miss my family and it sometimes feels it's been so long since I felt genuinely free and happy. I'm reverting to old addictive habits to cope, which are detrimental to my mental health, because I don't know what else to do, also because I don't know if there is an end to this, to keep holding on. I miss my friends, and it's been months since I met any of them. I haven't seen people my own age for what seems like forever, and I'm afraid I'm becoming something I don't recognize, that I dislike. My career feels like it's at a dead end because job search during this time is heading nowhere, and I've been looking for nearly a year now, while working at a job I really hate. It's no use opening up to people in my own life because I've done that enough and more times than I can count, and I'm tired of sounding like a broken record about things I cannot change. I'm sick of lockdowns and restrictions and stay-at home orders and social distancing and feeling so utterly hopeless I can't breathe at times.
I know I'm privileged, I know I'm lucky in so many ways and that there are so many in the world in a worse position than my own. So it feels absolutely ****** to even write all this down. But I don't know how to deal with all of this and I'm feeling so, so tired that I fear I may do something I regret. I am scared and hopeless and at a loss. Everything hurts, and every breath seems like a waste.
I'm looking for help, but I don't know how to help myself because I feel so useless. It seems pointless.
If anyone reads this, please know that I am trying, I am fighting very hard. But today may be the day I give up because I do not see the point anymore. **** covid. **** this pandemic. **** everything.
Jan 2021 · 269
song of the rain
Marya123 Jan 2021
What if the clouds are weeping with glee
As they gently let their burdens go
Cherishing what it means to be free
Dancing in the wind, with ebb and flow?
Jan 2021 · 121
good night
Marya123 Jan 2021
All I want
Is to sleep away
The nightmare
Of reality.
Jan 2021 · 124
Reading between the clouds
Marya123 Jan 2021
When it rains and pours outside
It feels like maybe, just maybe
The universe sheds tears for you
When you can't cry for yourself
Dec 2020 · 529
anew
Marya123 Dec 2020
As the days blend into an endless night
We try to welcome change with delight
If only there were a way to tell
If the future would be heaven or hell
Perhaps we may be better prepared
To make the most of the time we've shared,
To remember those who are gone too soon,
To be grateful for every fortune,
To work without pride, to be forgiving,
To cherish the love of those still living.
Even if foreboding makes us unsure
We hope for the strength to live and endure.
Dec 2020 · 113
2020
Marya123 Dec 2020
If only the world would stop spinning
So I can finally breathe some air
I'll remove my mask of fortitude
To feel something beyond despair.
Dec 2020 · 103
The price of strength
Marya123 Dec 2020
I wish
Oh how I wish
it weren't so hard
To be strong.
Dec 2020 · 80
Fragmented
Marya123 Dec 2020
My heart          is in one spot
My soul                                         is in another
My body                hovers in between
      
              In uncertainty.

I

          Am

                                    All
    
 Ove­r
      
                                           The
          
               
                                                ­              Place.
Dec 2020 · 73
Spellbound
Marya123 Dec 2020
You are
Magnificent
As though Poetry
Were given form.
Dec 2020 · 84
Woman
Marya123 Dec 2020
The bird is told to leave its cage
Being bred in captivity
Feeling older than its real age
It flies with positivity.
Alas! Its burdens wear it down
It knows then that it's all a trap
It would escape, or it would drown
Its life wasted bridging the gap.
For birds of all colors struggling to fly in this world: You are seen, and you are not alone.
Nov 2020 · 105
Fleeting
Marya123 Nov 2020
Perhaps I'll never be
The one
Who's always on your mind
But know this
I am content
With being an afterthought
As long as
You think of me.
Nov 2020 · 121
Unreadable
Marya123 Nov 2020
I'm a poem from an unknown poet
Written to be broken and crude
A rough draft misplaced, without thought
One that's easily misconstrued.
Nov 2020 · 80
Unfit
Marya123 Nov 2020
Perhaps death will be kinder
My attempts to live are in vain.
The world expects a happy poem,
I am but a sorrowful refrain.
Nov 2020 · 106
Beach
Marya123 Nov 2020
Staring at the waves of the sea
Wondering how cool it would be
To get lost in its blue madness
Instead of drowning in sadness.
Oct 2020 · 123
Battle
Marya123 Oct 2020
Searching for air
Gasping, choking
Unable to breathe
In the face of glaring defeat
Overwhelmed by thoughts
Wanting to give up
Wanting to fight more
A mess of contradictions
Looking for answers
Trying to ask the right questions
Trying not to shy away
Trying to stay strong
Trying to find the right words
Trying not to be contrived
I'm trying
Trying
Trying.
Oct 2020 · 320
Deserted
Marya123 Oct 2020
I tried to walk along the sands of time
Wishing my footprints would one day be seen
But I got lost in the uphill climb
Consumed by a dream of what could have been
Struggling to breathe in the thin air of hope
I'm looking for a clear path ahead
There's no way back down this slippery *****
All that I see are illusions instead.
Are there signs that will tell me where to go?
I'm tired of waiting for them to arrive
If this is what it means to learn and grow
I'll make a move, aiming to stay alive.
Oct 2020 · 142
Chef
Marya123 Oct 2020
I laid my heart out on a plate
Served it with my soul on the side
After an internal debate
The world moved on, my dreams denied.

What's missing?- The look, the flavor?
What should I change, so it will see?
Will I ever earn its favor?
Or will it just be fantasy?
Sep 2020 · 70
Resistance
Marya123 Sep 2020
If I truly let myself cry
I'd create an ocean of grief
Land would crumble in my sorrow
A damnation without relief.

They'd see how it feels to live a lie
Yet, a hole in my heart remains
They'd wish and wish for no tomorrow...
Yet, all the tears are spilt in vain.

The seas would dry, the Earth will heal
I'd still live with a broken heart
If I glue it back together
After a while, it falls apart.

This anger... hurts, even if it's real
Perhaps it isn't the right cure
By learning to make pleasant weather
In love and peace, I will endure.
Sep 2020 · 409
overwhelmed
Marya123 Sep 2020
If I were a poem
I'd be made of words
That only you'd understand.
Sep 2020 · 80
Thoughts of Water
Marya123 Sep 2020
I used to live in a river
Fluid, strong, going with the flow
But over time, I reached the sky
I stayed on land as ice and snow.

I don't know where my true home is
I keep moving among the three
Where was I born, where should I stay
That, to me, is a mystery.

I've been everywhere, seen it all
There's not much else to discover
To dwell in travel is my fate
Perhaps I am a wanderer.
Aug 2020 · 95
To a broken dream
Marya123 Aug 2020
I don't know if I'm saying goodbye
I don't know if I must laugh or cry.
My heart feels as if it's torn in two
I don't know if I'll get over you.
9 years I've waited, through ebb and flow
But I'm too tired now: I'll let you go.
I'm not giving up- I tried my best
I've merely failed in life's arduous test.
Someday, if we ever meet again
Remember these words- your last refrain
"I cannot give you more of me
We do make a great fantasy
I hope someone does make you real
In time, I'll learn the way to heal."
Jul 2020 · 95
Aching
Marya123 Jul 2020
Cannot speak a word
Devoid of expression
Only having tears to offer
How long will they spill
Before they leave too?
How long must one walk
Before their legs fall off?
How long must one break
Before they're put together again?
Jun 2020 · 125
Speechless
Marya123 Jun 2020
Looking at a future that seems so grey
It's like all the colors have gone away
With emotion locked in an airtight chest,
So what remains is void, in quiet unrest
With tears to be occasional company,
Rampant thoughts form a soundless symphony.
Staring into space, people come and go-
The world is fast, yet in some ways, so slow.
There is no end to this chaos in sight,
The line further blurred between wrong and right.
Does it matter that these words are read?
Perhaps they should be hopeful instead
Pretending that everything will be fine
A noose of lies tightening with each headline.
Thus one plays the elusive waiting game,
Knowing that nothing will ever be the same.
Jun 2020 · 89
Unrequited- A haiku
Marya123 Jun 2020
I love you so much
That I wish you happiness
Even if it's her.
Jun 2020 · 272
Don't ask
Marya123 Jun 2020
Don't ask me if I'm okay
Because I am not
I'm lucky enough to breathe,
While so many cannot.
Jun 2020 · 134
Giving up
Marya123 Jun 2020
It's a beautiful, sunny day outside
And I wish it could seep into my soul
It needs to breathe, away from the darkness
That wonders why it can never feel whole
Is there some point to hustling with a dream?
Do passion and hard work make a difference?
Why does life give hope....then ****** it away?
When will everything start making sense?
May 2020 · 198
Lost book
Marya123 May 2020
I'm an unknown book on a shelf
That one forgets to treat with care
Passed around among many people,
Alas! I've aged with wear and tear.

I don't recall to whom I belonged
Who once penned my words in fading ink
I'm not as strong as I used to be
I'm only a novel- I can't think.

I'm looking for a gentle owner
Who enjoys reading without pretense,
Keeping me safe, worn pages intact,
The one who'll cherish my existence.
May 2020 · 110
Journey
Marya123 May 2020
I'm a train that's off the rails
With its brake stuck
With no one to pull it back
And I know, I do know
That at some point I will crash
And I'll wonder why
Why I didn't stop myself
But I'm so tired
I don't know if I can go on
I'm looking for strength
For the discipline
For the fortitude
Within myself
To replace the brake
Dust off my wheels
Pull myself onto the tracks
And start over again.
May 2020 · 136
Blind
Marya123 May 2020
I'm searching for something I cannot understand
Is it connection? Is it purpose? Is it a sense of belonging?
If only I knew... I'd chase it better.
Apr 2020 · 125
Lost love
Marya123 Apr 2020
When I found you again, after years
My body felt alive, with you so near
My heart, unsure, skips a beat, hesitating
It almost moved on, it was tired of waiting.
Yet it remembers to falter for you
Muscle memory remains as good as new.
But I know, in my soul, within my mind
That you're not with me, I can be so blind
That all your tunes, you always sing for her
That your beautiful words, they are for her...

And as I listen, I can't help but wonder,
'Am I worthy?
Will I be worthy of those words someday?
If not from you, from someone else?
But can anyone ever really match up to you?'
Apr 2020 · 112
Don't tell me
Marya123 Apr 2020
Don't tell me this happened for a reason
Don't tell me to be positive
Don't you ******* say the Earth wants to heal itself
Not when people are dying
Not when lives are broken out of nowhere
Not when everywhere, everything is in chaos
Not when we don't know if there is a future
Don't tell me to stop caring
Because I don't know
I don't know how anymore.
Apr 2020 · 104
Pandemic poem
Marya123 Apr 2020
I'd have to go out to find words,
I've used the ones I had at home.
Writer's block during a pandemic.
Apr 2020 · 261
Misunderstood
Marya123 Apr 2020
Why do words look better on a sheet,
When, from my mouth, they seem incomplete?
How is it they flow so well with ink?
If I try to speak them, I cannot think.
Will they transform, someday? From noise to sound?
If I voice words out there, will they be found?
Apr 2020 · 199
Raison d'être
Marya123 Apr 2020
Questions-

What is the point of fighting to live
To sacrifice, with nothing to give?
Why does one pretend that life goes on
When the courage to proceed is gone?
Does it make sense to hold onto hope
While falling down a slippery *****?
Will optimism stop feeling fake?
How much can one bear till they break?
With everything in this world going wrong
Is there any reason to be strong?

Answers-

Justice delayed isn't justice denied
But it will be an eventful ride.
Live, to prove that you will always shine
Don't wait- the world won't ever be fine.
Don't give up hope, as long you're alive
You can do much more than just survive.
Be positive to drive away fear
Someday, all of this will become clear.
Patience and good faith will see you through,
You're never alone, I'm here for you.
Apr 2020 · 90
Gratitude
Marya123 Apr 2020
Thank you for your words
They made me smile when I wanted to cry.
Thank you for listening
When no one, nowhere, wanted to hear me.
Thank you for your strength
You held me up when I wanted to die.
Thank you for your music
It taught my soul to love being alive.
Thank you for the conversations
I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.
Thank you for....being you
You don't know it, but you changed my life.
Mar 2020 · 170
Dead end
Marya123 Mar 2020
Life gave me a map and said "Follow this track
Work hard and stay focused; Don't ever look back.
Don't worry, I'll keep you safe- I give you my word."
I listened, and agreed, for my vision was blurred.

Little did I know, I was on the wrong trail
Far away from my dreams, I was doomed to fail
I'm looking for signs where they'll never be found
I'm shouting for help... but I can't hear a sound
I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere in dread
I thought Life made us strong...it gave me fear instead.
Mar 2020 · 141
Grey
Marya123 Mar 2020
I'm the lone cloud on a summer's day
So many beg me to go away
Yet I stay on for the prayers of pain
For those longing for a bit of rain.
Mar 2020 · 91
What I'd ask Cupid
Marya123 Mar 2020
Will these hands ever stop writing for them
Hoping they'll read, understand and smile?
When will this soul learn to detach itself
Wishing they'll feel it, and stay awhile?

Will this heart ever stop beating for them
Stealing the life from this mortal shell?
It'll suffer in silence with all its pain
If it means they'll be happy and well.

Why do we love so much...that it hurts?
Will this heartache be worth it one day?
Can we heal from the wounds that no one sees?
Will you ever answer those who pray?
Mar 2020 · 113
Heartbent
Marya123 Mar 2020
She's the better one for you
I know, I know that well
Go out with her, bend my heart
It won't break under your spell.

It's just a crush (I tell myself)
I'll try to work my way through
But just for now, I won't lose hope
That we could be me and you.
Mar 2020 · 164
Cyclone
Marya123 Mar 2020
My life is a thunderstorm
That I watch, powerless, in vain
As it destroys flowers of hope
With every barrage of rain.
Mar 2020 · 118
Wishful
Marya123 Mar 2020
I'm the lone star next to the Moon,
Watching you gaze at her in awe,
Wishing you were seeing me instead.
Mar 2020 · 151
Almost
Marya123 Mar 2020
I'm on the brink of running away,
At a clifftop, staring at the sea
It looks so tempting, to let it all go
To finally live in ecstasy...

But if there's a chance I can fight today
If it's possible I can be fearless
Maybe I'll turn this from a tale of Woe
To one of Triumph from utmost distress.
Trying to find courage.
Mar 2020 · 129
Lost poem
Marya123 Mar 2020
Time flies so fast,
That I'm stuck,
Paralyzed
Watching
As my words
Drift away....
As I fade...

Into..

Nothing.
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