Don't ask me how I'm doing
If you aren't ready to hear what I have to say
Do you really want to know
How I struggle to breathe, to wake up every day?
Do you really want to listen
To how I have to pretend, how hard it is to smile,
Do you really want to understand
Or would you like pretty lies for a while?
So here you go:

"I'm doing well, I've had a great year
I haven't cried myself to sleep, or wept in the shower
I haven't thought of ending it, or running away
My thoughts don't plague me every week, every hour
I'm not homesick, I'm not lonely, I'm not sad
I'm not depressed, I'm not anxious, I want to live
I love my job, I love my life, I love myself
I am worthy, I am useful, I have so much to give."

And the world tells me to swim
Swim till my heart gives out
All I can do is drown in pain
I'm underwater, awash in doubt.
"Help me", I long to say
"I cannot breathe, I want to live"
No one hears these unspoken words
I'm dead, dying, with nothing to give.

All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players;
Acting to the best of their ability
As they pretend, pretend, pretend
That everything's fine, that it always will be
Through tempests of unrelenting storms
Because the show must, it must go on.
Whatever would happen
If it had to stop?
The theatre crumbling out of existence?
What would they do, who would they be,
Where would they go
If they could not act anymore?

Billions of stars in the galaxy
Would anyone notice
If one stopped shining,
Winking out of existence?

Hi to everyone reading this.
I just needed to write this after a particularly depressing day with the thoughts in my head, and because I feel so lonely, and this is, I hope, a safe space to express that.
It's been years since I went home, and I can't go now because of travel restrictions during this **** pandemic, I miss my family and it sometimes feels it's been so long since I felt genuinely free and happy. I'm reverting to old addictive habits to cope, which are detrimental to my mental health, because I don't know what else to do, also because I don't know if there is an end to this, to keep holding on. I miss my friends, and it's been months since I met any of them. I haven't seen people my own age for what seems like forever, and I'm afraid I'm becoming something I don't recognize, that I dislike. My career feels like it's at a dead end because job search during this time is heading nowhere, and I've been looking for nearly a year now, while working at a job I really hate. It's no use opening up to people in my own life because I've done that enough and more times than I can count, and I'm tired of sounding like a broken record about things I cannot change. I'm sick of lockdowns and restrictions and stay-at home orders and social distancing and feeling so utterly hopeless I can't breathe at times.
I know I'm privileged, I know I'm lucky in so many ways and that there are so many in the world in a worse position than my own. So it feels absolutely ****** to even write all this down. But I don't know how to deal with all of this and I'm feeling so, so tired that I fear I may do something I regret. I am scared and hopeless and at a loss. Everything hurts, and every breath seems like a waste.
I'm looking for help, but I don't know how to help myself because I feel so useless. It seems pointless.
If anyone reads this, please know that I am trying, I am fighting very hard. But today may be the day I give up because I do not see the point anymore. **** covid. **** this pandemic. **** everything.

What if the clouds are weeping with glee
As they gently let their burdens go
Cherishing what it means to be free
Dancing in the wind, with ebb and flow?

All I want
Is to sleep away
The nightmare
Of reality.

When it rains and pours outside
It feels like maybe, just maybe
The universe sheds tears for you
When you can't cry for yourself

As the days blend into an endless night
We try to welcome change with delight
If only there were a way to tell
If the future would be heaven or hell
Perhaps we may be better prepared
To make the most of the time we've shared,
To remember those who are gone too soon,
To be grateful for every fortune,
To work without pride, to be forgiving,
To cherish the love of those still living.
Even if foreboding makes us unsure
We hope for the strength to live and endure.

If only the world would stop spinning
So I can finally breathe some air
I'll remove my mask of fortitude
To feel something beyond despair.

I wish
Oh how I wish
it weren't so hard
To be strong.

My heart          is in one spot
My soul                                         is in another
My body                hovers in between
      
              In uncertainty.

I

          Am

                                    All
    
 Ove­r
      
                                           The
          
               
                                                ­              Place.

You are
Magnificent
As though Poetry
Were given form.

The bird is told to leave its cage
Being bred in captivity
Feeling older than its real age
It flies with positivity.
Alas! Its burdens wear it down
It knows then that it's all a trap
It would escape, or it would drown
Its life wasted bridging the gap.

Perhaps I'll never be
The one
Who's always on your mind
But know this
I am content
With being an afterthought
As long as
You think of me.

I'm a poem from an unknown poet
Written to be broken and crude
A rough draft misplaced, without thought
One that's easily misconstrued.

Perhaps death will be kinder
My attempts to live are in vain.
The world expects a happy poem,
I am but a sorrowful refrain.

Staring at the waves of the sea
Wondering how cool it would be
To get lost in its blue madness
Instead of drowning in sadness.

Searching for air
Gasping, choking
Unable to breathe
In the face of glaring defeat
Overwhelmed by thoughts
Wanting to give up
Wanting to fight more
A mess of contradictions
Looking for answers
Trying to ask the right questions
Trying not to shy away
Trying to stay strong
Trying to find the right words
Trying not to be contrived
I'm trying
Trying
Trying.

I tried to walk along the sands of time
Wishing my footprints would one day be seen
But I got lost in the uphill climb
Consumed by a dream of what could have been
Struggling to breathe in the thin air of hope
I'm looking for a clear path ahead
There's no way back down this slippery *****
All that I see are illusions instead.
Are there signs that will tell me where to go?
I'm tired of waiting for them to arrive
If this is what it means to learn and grow
I'll make a move, aiming to stay alive.

I laid my heart out on a plate
Served it with my soul on the side
After an internal debate
The world moved on, my dreams denied.

What's missing?- The look, the flavor?
What should I change, so it will see?
Will I ever earn its favor?
Or will it just be fantasy?

If I truly let myself cry
I'd create an ocean of grief
Land would crumble in my sorrow
A damnation without relief.

They'd see how it feels to live a lie
Yet, a hole in my heart remains
They'd wish and wish for no tomorrow...
Yet, all the tears are spilt in vain.

The seas would dry, the Earth will heal
I'd still live with a broken heart
If I glue it back together
After a while, it falls apart.

This anger... hurts, even if it's real
Perhaps it isn't the right cure
By learning to make pleasant weather
In love and peace, I will endure.

If I were a poem
I'd be made of words
That only you'd understand.

I used to live in a river
Fluid, strong, going with the flow
But over time, I reached the sky
I stayed on land as ice and snow.

I don't know where my true home is
I keep moving among the three
Where was I born, where should I stay
That, to me, is a mystery.

I've been everywhere, seen it all
There's not much else to discover
To dwell in travel is my fate
Perhaps I am a wanderer.

I don't know if I'm saying goodbye
I don't know if I must laugh or cry.
My heart feels as if it's torn in two
I don't know if I'll get over you.
9 years I've waited, through ebb and flow
But I'm too tired now: I'll let you go.
I'm not giving up- I tried my best
I've merely failed in life's arduous test.
Someday, if we ever meet again
Remember these words- your last refrain
"I cannot give you more of me
We do make a great fantasy
I hope someone does make you real
In time, I'll learn the way to heal."

Cannot speak a word
Devoid of expression
Only having tears to offer
How long will they spill
Before they leave too?
How long must one walk
Before their legs fall off?
How long must one break
Before they're put together again?

Looking at a future that seems so grey
It's like all the colors have gone away
With emotion locked in an airtight chest,
So what remains is void, in quiet unrest
With tears to be occasional company,
Rampant thoughts form a soundless symphony.
Staring into space, people come and go-
The world is fast, yet in some ways, so slow.
There is no end to this chaos in sight,
The line further blurred between wrong and right.
Does it matter that these words are read?
Perhaps they should be hopeful instead
Pretending that everything will be fine
A noose of lies tightening with each headline.
Thus one plays the elusive waiting game,
Knowing that nothing will ever be the same.

I love you so much
That I wish you happiness
Even if it's her.

Don't ask me if I'm okay
Because I am not
I'm lucky enough to breathe,
While so many cannot.

It's a beautiful, sunny day outside
And I wish it could seep into my soul
It needs to breathe, away from the darkness
That wonders why it can never feel whole
Is there some point to hustling with a dream?
Do passion and hard work make a difference?
Why does life give hope....then ****** it away?
When will everything start making sense?

I'm an unknown book on a shelf
That one forgets to treat with care
Passed around among many people,
Alas! I've aged with wear and tear.

I don't recall to whom I belonged
Who once penned my words in fading ink
I'm not as strong as I used to be
I'm only a novel- I can't think.

I'm looking for a gentle owner
Who enjoys reading without pretense,
Keeping me safe, worn pages intact,
The one who'll cherish my existence.

I'm a train that's off the rails
With its brake stuck
With no one to pull it back
And I know, I do know
That at some point I will crash
And I'll wonder why
Why I didn't stop myself
But I'm so tired
I don't know if I can go on
I'm looking for strength
For the discipline
For the fortitude
Within myself
To replace the brake
Dust off my wheels
Pull myself onto the tracks
And start over again.

I'm searching for something I cannot understand
Is it connection? Is it purpose? Is it a sense of belonging?
If only I knew... I'd chase it better.

When I found you again, after years
My body felt alive, with you so near
My heart, unsure, skips a beat, hesitating
It almost moved on, it was tired of waiting.
Yet it remembers to falter for you
Muscle memory remains as good as new.
But I know, in my soul, within my mind
That you're not with me, I can be so blind
That all your tunes, you always sing for her
That your beautiful words, they are for her...

And as I listen, I can't help but wonder,
'Am I worthy?
Will I be worthy of those words someday?
If not from you, from someone else?
But can anyone ever really match up to you?'

Don't tell me this happened for a reason
Don't tell me to be positive
Don't you ******* say the Earth wants to heal itself
Not when people are dying
Not when lives are broken out of nowhere
Not when everywhere, everything is in chaos
Not when we don't know if there is a future
Don't tell me to stop caring
Because I don't know
I don't know how anymore.

I'd have to go out to find words,
I've used the ones I had at home.

Why do words look better on a sheet,
When, from my mouth, they seem incomplete?
How is it they flow so well with ink?
If I try to speak them, I cannot think.
Will they transform, someday? From noise to sound?
If I voice words out there, will they be found?

Questions-

What is the point of fighting to live
To sacrifice, with nothing to give?
Why does one pretend that life goes on
When the courage to proceed is gone?
Does it make sense to hold onto hope
While falling down a slippery *****?
Will optimism stop feeling fake?
How much can one bear till they break?
With everything in this world going wrong
Is there any reason to be strong?

Answers-

Justice delayed isn't justice denied
But it will be an eventful ride.
Live, to prove that you will always shine
Don't wait- the world won't ever be fine.
Don't give up hope, as long you're alive
You can do much more than just survive.
Be positive to drive away fear
Someday, all of this will become clear.
Patience and good faith will see you through,
You're never alone, I'm here for you.

Thank you for your words
They made me smile when I wanted to cry.
Thank you for listening
When no one, nowhere, wanted to hear me.
Thank you for your strength
You held me up when I wanted to die.
Thank you for your music
It taught my soul to love being alive.
Thank you for the conversations
I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.
Thank you for....being you
You don't know it, but you changed my life.

Life gave me a map and said "Follow this track
Work hard and stay focused; Don't ever look back.
Don't worry, I'll keep you safe- I give you my word."
I listened, and agreed, for my vision was blurred.

Little did I know, I was on the wrong trail
Far away from my dreams, I was doomed to fail
I'm looking for signs where they'll never be found
I'm shouting for help... but I can't hear a sound
I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere in dread
I thought Life made us strong...it gave me fear instead.

I'm the lone cloud on a summer's day
So many beg me to go away
Yet I stay on for the prayers of pain
For those longing for a bit of rain.

Will these hands ever stop writing for them
Hoping they'll read, understand and smile?
When will this soul learn to detach itself
Wishing they'll feel it, and stay awhile?

Will this heart ever stop beating for them
Stealing the life from this mortal shell?
It'll suffer in silence with all its pain
If it means they'll be happy and well.

Why do we love so much...that it hurts?
Will this heartache be worth it one day?
Can we heal from the wounds that no one sees?
Will you ever answer those who pray?

She's the better one for you
I know, I know that well
Go out with her, bend my heart
It won't break under your spell.

It's just a crush (I tell myself)
I'll try to work my way through
But just for now, I won't lose hope
That we could be me and you.

My life is a thunderstorm
That I watch, powerless, in vain
As it destroys flowers of hope
With every barrage of rain.

I'm the lone star next to the Moon,
Watching you gaze at her in awe,
Wishing you were seeing me instead.

I'm on the brink of running away,
At a clifftop, staring at the sea
It looks so tempting, to let it all go
To finally live in ecstasy...

But if there's a chance I can fight today
If it's possible I can be fearless
Maybe I'll turn this from a tale of Woe
To one of Triumph from utmost distress.

Time flies so fast,
That I'm stuck,
Paralyzed
Watching
As my words
Drift away....
As I fade...

Into..

Nothing.

My mask is made up of elaborate lies
If anyone found out what rests beneath,
There would be... everything to despise.

It gets heavier every single day
With each untruth put to make it strong
It's so difficult to keep it away.

Will I ever detach it from me?
Could I perhaps learn to breathe again
To live away from the misery?