You said you'd always be there
But,
You left
And now I don't know where you are
Nor do I want to look desperate searching everywhere for you

You're worse than nicotine

I think that
I was only made,
That I'm only in people's lives,
And that I'm only people's friend,
To be used...

There are nights I cry so hard that my body aches and I shake and I have to put my head in my pillow so no one hears me.
There are also nights I'm happy that you're happy and I think everything happens for a reason.
And there are also nights where I feel nothing at all.
But there is never a night that you don't cross my mind...

Eyes open
Hospital room
Nurses rushing
Drilling questions
Mind blank
Tongue frozen
Confused thoughts
Scared expression
Concerned faces
Scribbled words
Heartbreaking results
Deathly silent
Mouth opens
"Diagnosis, amnesia..."

Finding refuge in my own lies
"How are you?"
"I'm alright."
Small talk is a great disguise
Just let me be just let me be
Empty thoughts start to crowd my mind
Am I only living, living to survive?

No one knows what goes on up inside my head
There's a new kind of poison and it's starting to spread
No one knows what goes on up inside my head
They don't think I need help
But I'm scaring myself

All the voices in my head are coming to life
They're getting louder and I'm, I'm terrified
How do you run from your own mind?
Is this what I've become?
Take it back what have I done

I am now a joke,
A weird freak among a 3rd period senior math class
All because I tried to make a new friend,
And all because I gave a compliment

So I did a lot of thinking over the weekend,
I made some decisions,
I have realized now that I no longer love you
And I no longer want to try and make new friends,
Because you're the most fantastic friend I've ever had
And that is something I don't want to lose

I know I was selfish,
I was hurting so I did some stupid things
But I had realizations,
I made some changes

I ask now if you'll accept my apology,
Let me back into your life
Hear me out please and talk to me,
Because this silence is hell
And I'm constantly reminded of the memories we share
I want my friend back;

I miss our jokes
And weird things we do,
But most of all I miss you
And all the magnificent wonders that you hold...

If I can't be the pretty one,
I want to be the skinny one...

There's a girl
Who I've never seen before until last week,
She passed me as I was working the cafe -
The perfect natural shade of red-orange hair;
****,
Her hair was enough to make me fall in love and go crazy over her
Her messenger sling bag over her left shoulder
Thick homemade cloth headband keeping her hair pushed back
I wondered if her name was Autumn
It should be,
Her ravishing hair would make it all fall together perfectly
And I never thought I'd see her again,
But I did

After I closed up she was waiting outside of her next classroom
I told myself it was just pure coincidence,
But I saw you yet again Miss

Friday I was working the coffee cart making deliveries
And I stopped
Only to see you come down the stairs,
A few seconds of uncertainty rang through me
I could only tell by your hair
But at that moment,
You wore a long cardigan sweater with a hood over your head
And as I started to look away slightly disappointed it was as if you heard my mind;
Your hands came up grasping the edge of the cloth
As you swiftly flipped it down;
I never knew
Such a simple action could be so magical and graceful until then
I saw you in all your elegance
And my heart raced;
Such a prepossessing creature

Love tell me,
Why are you so **** gorgeous?

I remained staring at you,
Smiling like a ***** as other people saw me and passed,
But you kept walking away
Your back to me and knee-high boots clicking away
Madam,
Is this still just a coincidence?
Or is this now destiny for us to meet?

I was rushing up the stairs from the basement to get to class
When a blur of orange came down the stairs from the upper floor
And fell into line next to me

I looked over doing a doubletake at the wavy colored hair next to me
'It's not her,'
I mentally told myself
'For her hair is too light.'
So I now apologize to whoever you are for staring,
I just needed to know if you were my Autumn Girl
But I was so caught up in seeing who you were and your hair
That I ended up running into the real Autumn Girl;
Literally

I faced forward again only to run into something
And to cause things to scatter about falling to the ground;
My anxiety spiked and only got worse once I saw who you were
It was my Autumn Girl

We both bent down, collecting the mess I caused
"I'm so sorry, I apologize, I didn't mean -"
I was stuttering out words when you cut me off,
"Oh no don't worry about it. It's alright."
God darling,
Your voice is so calming,
Silvery and smokey -
It was as if you spoke words of honey;
Dripping from your lips
Thick and sweet
I just want to drown in it

But as I was memorized by your voice,
We touched;
I handed you one of your books as your hand brushed mine
Your skin so silky,
I hope you know you're a **** angel love

You smiled as we stood back up,
Nodding your head with a small
"Thank you."
Gracefully walking off

I hurried over, resting my hand upon the wall
Watching you walk off in beauty -
Careless of the people who could be staring

And in that moment I decided I'm going to attempt to write a letter
In hopes we actually get to talk more
God please don't let this end in ruin too...

I acted like it wasn't a big deal when really, it was breaking my heart.

I think I saw you in my sleep darling,
I think I saw you in my dreams...

I still like the color black,
For it makes me feel and reminds me of many different things all at once
So I stare at the black filing cabinet in mathematics,
Thinking of the different emotions and things that come to mind
And all at once words rushed to me flooding my brain;

Comfort, rebels, tumblr, sophistication, grim reaper, grunge, cute boys, death, beetles, hipster, cigarettes, indie, depression, records, roses, matte, and suicide
These were all words I felt,
Words I thought of when I thought of and saw the color black
Though, comfort, depression, and suicide stood out the most;
The vibe, the emotions that came with those words, resounding strongly through my body

This all reminded me of how I don't want to get better,
How I've been so depressed for so long that I find comfort in knowing depression is always there with me
And that depression is my friend,
How I always have with me as if it was clinging onto my back or always residing in the corner of my mind

This reminded me of my second reason I stopped taking my pills,
Because I felt alone without it;
How I felt bare and naked without that weight on my shoulders and I couldn't take it;

So black is comforting,
And I find myself at home in the darkness

I've been struggling with sleep
All because insomnia and nightmares are a thing
And this is all my fault somehow
So when I can't fall asleep until 2am
And end up missing the bus because I overslept a little
I get yelled at and blamed

I've been struggling with depression
All because of school and my family exist
And this is my fault somehow
So when I start thinking about suicide and self-harm
And end up confiding in someone because I don't want to feel so empty
I get yelled at and blamed

I've been struggling with school
All because depression and lack of sleep are a thing
And this is my fault somehow
So when I request to stay in my homeroom all day
And actually use what special treatment service is available to me
I get yelled at and blamed

It seems I can never do anything right anymore

What did I do
For you to leave?

"I love you",
You said,
And
I waited for
"but..."

But instead came
Your arms around me
And a
"no matter what"

Velvety paint
Upon wings
Creating elegance
And grace;
Angelic creatures
Flutter around
Traveling miles
Landing gently
On some
Rose blooms
Staring again
Another day

Hang a rope 'round my neck
Say goodbye, write the check

Smoking kills,
I get it
But I still want it

I want to light those paper death sticks -
I want the tar in my lungs -
I want to feel like I'm drowning...

Smoke the days away...

Flowers
Delicate, wild
Blooming, dancing, swaying
Making the world go ‘round
Blossoms

One step out of my comfort zone
But a step into making our bond stronger
Give me an inch yet I take a mile

I stay alert and cautious
But my walls fall and I become too clingy

You leave and I don't know what to do with myself
Bored and sad I wait patiently for you
Struggling to resist the urge to blow your phone up with messages
So I refuse to talk to anyone else
Until I hear from you first

I sit here now sad and depressed
Over something so stupid
All because
I'm too clingy

Now I have no idea who you are...

I'm so sick of being blamed,
Getting yelled at for adults' and teachers' mistakes
All because of the "she said, he said" bull

I've devoted so much time into my job
I've been a good student with honor and higher grade classes
I've always gone the extra mile and scored those brownie points
Yet now I'm on lockdown

Who knew acting out and skipping classes for once
All due to my mother's threats of kicking me out along with my suicidal thoughts
Would bring everyone to ******* hate me

Haha but listen here,
I won't give up that easily;
I'll bite back with venom and fangs while you try to toss me in a cage
I'll show you I'm the one who ******* rules my life
And that I make my own decisions
Even if that means ending my own life

She's made of poems n' paper airplanes
Soaring through the sky she may

Changing the world,
One word at a time

The fire alarm went off
The shrill screaming of the sirens sounding loudly in my ears
I oddly feel at peace among the chaos
The principal passed me
Giving me a wink and a smile when he saw me
'I'm a prized student to them. No one suspects a thing.'

I then walked past the office
And I passed my guidance counselor;
I passed the vice principal
And then the assistant principal
Along with everyone else that works in the office,
All of them clueless I was just sipping some margarita earlier

I love being daring

It doesn't matter if I have my eyes open or closed, I always see the same darkness.

I always daydream about dying,
That one day I'll die in some bad way.
I yearn for death,
All because I'm tired of living.

Part of me thinking it'd be some heartbreaking movie
Or a depressing book that messes with your mind
Where nobody cares,
Nobody comes to see me in the hospital,
And nobody tries to save me;

Part of me thinking it'd be some heartbreaking movie
Or a depressing book that messes with your mind
Where people care,
People do come to see me in the hospital,
And people do try to save me...

I daydream I'll die from cancer,
That one day I'll be told I have stage 3 or 4 something.
Cancer runs in my family.
So, it's messed up but I often find myself pleading that I'll finally be diagnosed with it.
All because I want everything to end...

I daydream I'll die from a school shooter,
That one day someone walks in with a gun and I'm the only one or one of the kids that dies.
We've had threats at our school a few years ago.
I wanted to go to school for that fairly good chance that something happened.
All because I want everything to end...

I daydream I'll die from a tragic car accident,
That one day the car crashes and I'm the only one who dies or is seriously injured.
I was in a car accident about 3 months ago.
If that man hit us 2 seconds later then he would've flipped the car,
And I didn't have my seatbelt on.
I would've been dead or in critical condition as my mother told me along with the officer who thought I had it on.
I never wear my seatbelt for that reason,
All because I want everything to end...

I daydream I'll die from a murderer or robber,
That one day I'll come home and be the first one to arrive just like usual and someone else whose identity is unknown.
Our trailer was broken into a few years ago.
Oh, how I wished whoever was there was still hiding somewhere,
I searched in my closet and under my bed hopeful I'd find someone and when I did they'd **** me.
All because I want everything to end...

I always daydream about dying,
That one day I'll die in some bad way.
I yearn for death,
All because I'm tired of living...

She rises from her bitter bed,
With thoughts of sadness in her head,
She idolises being dead.
Facing the day with never ending dread.

Please come back,
You're dearly missed

Right now,
I just want to die;
I want to hurt myself and disappear somehow, one way or another
And no one would notice or care

It's not like we're dating
And our relationship is just mutual and platonic,
So why do you affect my mood so much?

You determine if I feel social enough to talk to everyone else
If I feel confident and joyful
You determine if I feel silly and all giggly
If I feel careless and depressed
You determine it all because I'm so clingy and attached to you

But why?

I don't think this is working out;
You and I that is...

I'm at such a dilemma.
I want to distance myself from you
But yet,
I don't want to lose you...